Need to vent.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: west hartford, ct
Posts: 1
Need to vent.....
Hello everyone,
I am new to the board. I have an AH of 5 years. He doesn't think he is an A, but he does recognize that he drinks too much (6-8 beers every night). As of the first of the year he said he would cut back to drinking only 2 days per week. Five days into it, he has kept that promise. I have tried going to Alanon in the past, but he would not let me go. He thinks that his drinking too much is his problem, not mine.
Yesterday I told him I can't deal with this anymore and want to leave. Even though the drinking has stopped for a few days, I have no faith that it will stay that way. I have become very distant towards him in the past 2-3 months. I think that is because I don't want to be hurt anymore. He told me he loved me and I was all he ever wanted, but I need to give him a chance.
There are many great qualities about my husband, but there are also many not so great qualities. I am so afraid that I am going to wake up 25 years from now and wish that I had done something a long time ago.
He says that I don't communicate with him, which is true. I hold a lot in, because if I don't then I am a nag. It just feels like I can't win no matter what I do.
I feel like I have to be secretive about so many things I do, so I don't have to deal with the confrontation and the negativity. He gets furious when I talk to my sister about my problems and even good times. He thinks those are private things that I shouldn't discuss with other people. I just bought Codependent No More and Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, secretly, hopefully they will help.
I am so tired of feeling sad and alone. Thanks for listening.
Kelly
I am new to the board. I have an AH of 5 years. He doesn't think he is an A, but he does recognize that he drinks too much (6-8 beers every night). As of the first of the year he said he would cut back to drinking only 2 days per week. Five days into it, he has kept that promise. I have tried going to Alanon in the past, but he would not let me go. He thinks that his drinking too much is his problem, not mine.
Yesterday I told him I can't deal with this anymore and want to leave. Even though the drinking has stopped for a few days, I have no faith that it will stay that way. I have become very distant towards him in the past 2-3 months. I think that is because I don't want to be hurt anymore. He told me he loved me and I was all he ever wanted, but I need to give him a chance.
There are many great qualities about my husband, but there are also many not so great qualities. I am so afraid that I am going to wake up 25 years from now and wish that I had done something a long time ago.
He says that I don't communicate with him, which is true. I hold a lot in, because if I don't then I am a nag. It just feels like I can't win no matter what I do.
I feel like I have to be secretive about so many things I do, so I don't have to deal with the confrontation and the negativity. He gets furious when I talk to my sister about my problems and even good times. He thinks those are private things that I shouldn't discuss with other people. I just bought Codependent No More and Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, secretly, hopefully they will help.
I am so tired of feeling sad and alone. Thanks for listening.
Kelly
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Welcome to SR - First of all we are not "other people", we are family and we all understand the pain you are feeling right now. There are alot of people here who will listen to your "venting" and will even share their own with you. I have learned so much from everyone here, and it's really comforting to know that we are not alone.
I would strongly encourage you find an Al-Anon meeting in your area. He can only ask that you not go / he can't stop you from doing what it best for you. My AH did not want me going to Al-Anon. I think he was afraid I'd stop worry about and taking care of him and start doing those things for me. Ironically, that's what happened. I am learning I can be happy regardless of what he's doing. And it feels so good to NOT worry so much.
My AH cut back his drinking too, to three nights a week. The problem didn't go away..... He's an Alcoholic and it won't until HE'S ready for it too. But you can learn to live your life happily.
I would strongly encourage you find an Al-Anon meeting in your area. He can only ask that you not go / he can't stop you from doing what it best for you. My AH did not want me going to Al-Anon. I think he was afraid I'd stop worry about and taking care of him and start doing those things for me. Ironically, that's what happened. I am learning I can be happy regardless of what he's doing. And it feels so good to NOT worry so much.
My AH cut back his drinking too, to three nights a week. The problem didn't go away..... He's an Alcoholic and it won't until HE'S ready for it too. But you can learn to live your life happily.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
kelly - welcome to sr! this is a wonderful place filled with lots and great info, and also many caring, wise folks who will allow you to vent and share their experiences with you. read all you can on this site, not only the posts here, but others under alcoholism and other topics.
jessica is right - you need to do what you feel will be the best for you. we can't change/control our ah's - only they have the power to do that.
jessica is right - you need to do what you feel will be the best for you. we can't change/control our ah's - only they have the power to do that.
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
Kelly,
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us and have posted your thoughts. There is much to read, and read, and read here. Post, vent, read, listen, listen, listen, share, share, listen, because we are all in this together.
I've learned much from the folks here. And my life is much happier and healthier because of many of the posts I've read the inspirational stories that folks have shared.
You are worth the time investment. You are worth the energy it takes to figure out who you are, and what you really want out to life. You are worth being treated with love and respect, by yourself first and then all the others around you.
I wish you some peace today and hope you will find what you need to get through today.
Peace,
Petunia
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us and have posted your thoughts. There is much to read, and read, and read here. Post, vent, read, listen, listen, listen, share, share, listen, because we are all in this together.
I've learned much from the folks here. And my life is much happier and healthier because of many of the posts I've read the inspirational stories that folks have shared.
You are worth the time investment. You are worth the energy it takes to figure out who you are, and what you really want out to life. You are worth being treated with love and respect, by yourself first and then all the others around you.
I wish you some peace today and hope you will find what you need to get through today.
Peace,
Petunia
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Kelly,
Welcome to SR. You are not alone unless you chose to be. We are here at SR 24/7.
We understand as few others can because we too live with the family disease of alcoholism.
When I first started going to Al-Anon my spouse to didn't want me to and he wasn't even drinking then. I started because both my parents were alcoholic. I soon learned that the members of the group understood what I had gone through as a child.
I have come to realize my Higher Power was doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. He knew what was before me in the coming years.
Now there is no way I'd give up my Al-Anon program for anyone. I GO FOR ME! I need to be at meetings where people are comitted to recovery. Where there is love and understanding. Where there are people who will help me stay in reality. Today I will not give up the one place I've found that I can grow spiritually and find serenity while in a crazy making family.
I can't tell you what you must do but I do hope you will keep posting and keep coming back.
Love and prayers from one who cares.
Welcome to SR. You are not alone unless you chose to be. We are here at SR 24/7.
We understand as few others can because we too live with the family disease of alcoholism.
When I first started going to Al-Anon my spouse to didn't want me to and he wasn't even drinking then. I started because both my parents were alcoholic. I soon learned that the members of the group understood what I had gone through as a child.
I have come to realize my Higher Power was doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. He knew what was before me in the coming years.
Now there is no way I'd give up my Al-Anon program for anyone. I GO FOR ME! I need to be at meetings where people are comitted to recovery. Where there is love and understanding. Where there are people who will help me stay in reality. Today I will not give up the one place I've found that I can grow spiritually and find serenity while in a crazy making family.
I can't tell you what you must do but I do hope you will keep posting and keep coming back.
Love and prayers from one who cares.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Alexandria VA
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by sk9799
I have tried going to Alanon in the past, but he would not let me go. He thinks that his drinking too much is his problem, not mine.
his drinking too much IS his problem, not yours. But how you live your life is YOUR problem. And that is the only thing you have control over. Al-anon is a wonderful place (like SR!) where you will be heard, understood, and sympathized with.
Did he physically restrain you from going? or verbally forbid it? Sounds like he feels threatened. Truthfully it is not about him. It is about you, and how you can become a healthier person.
Only you can decide what you will and will not accept in your life. If you are unhappy then all you can do is examine your own behavior and see what you are doing/allowing that is making you unhappy.
Happy reading (those are wonderful books) and I hope you do go to Al-anon.
I wish you the best of luck!
--smilo
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
Hi and welcome--I think we all come here to vent and then surprise we find a big
family that loves us and cares and supports us emotionally. You are definitly on the
right track--You can not change his drinking but you can your own outlook. Take care of you. Help yourself grow and discover. My AH tried to keep me isolated for years.
He had lots of reasons why I should not spend time with people unless he was there
but fortunately my son got me out and about and then I went to alanon and now
I'm taking back my life. Really--I had no idea how controlled I was untill I started
stepping out of the boundrys he had set. It's like a whole new world and I hope you find it soon. Smiles--Dee
family that loves us and cares and supports us emotionally. You are definitly on the
right track--You can not change his drinking but you can your own outlook. Take care of you. Help yourself grow and discover. My AH tried to keep me isolated for years.
He had lots of reasons why I should not spend time with people unless he was there
but fortunately my son got me out and about and then I went to alanon and now
I'm taking back my life. Really--I had no idea how controlled I was untill I started
stepping out of the boundrys he had set. It's like a whole new world and I hope you find it soon. Smiles--Dee
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