Christmas Events
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: CA
Posts: 109
Christmas Events
Hi Guys
Well Im still going. It has now been 8 weeks since I left him and everyday has hurt and everyday I have wondered if I did the right thing. Over the last month he has seemed to be getting his act together. He has cut back ( so I have heard from others) and I know he hasnt been with any women (till now...) I decided on the 20th Dec I was going to get away. Im exhausted and needed a break.
Before I went we met up a few times and the night before I went away we spent the night together. It was clear there are still strong feelings on both sides. We had a talk and agreed it was the alch that was the issue and was the reason we couldnt be together as I felt I cant support him anymore. A mistake maybe, but it felt so good and right at the time. I left for my trip feeling Ok.
On Christmas Eve my "friend" called. This is my best friend who knows everything and what I have been through. I slept on her couch for 1 week after we broke up. Someone who knew all my secrets and feelings. She told me 3 weeks after we broke up she slept with him.!!!! How could she. She told me she had met him in a bar. He was drunk (which I believe!!) and she said she was too. I have been friends with her a while and she never never gets that drunk she doesnt know what shes doing.
She knew damm well what she was doing.
I called him to ask if it was true and he admitted it. He sounded awful. He was so so sorry and was nearly in tears. I put down the phone and cried an ocean. I called him Christmas Day. I wanted the truth. He said it had happened once and he regretted it, was so sorry etc...
My friends (who had been in the bar with him Christmas Eve) called to see I was Ok. They said after the phone call he was real upset and quiet. He then drank himself into oblivion. It was that bad he was sicking up blood. He had to be taken into hosptial. He didn`t tell me this when I spoke to him Christmas Day. I guess he was so ashamed.
He has a lung disorder anyhow and providing he "takes care" of himself can live a decent life. Apparently the way he is with the drinking he will be lucky to reach 40. He is only 29. It is like he is on a mission to destroy himself before it destroys him. Im not sure. It cant be my issue anymore. What is my issue though is my "friend" betrayed me by sleeping with him.
Because my ex boyfriend and I were together for so long we naturally have the same circle of friends who are incrediably supportive. I am going out with them all on Friday. I know he is going to be there. It will be the first time I will have seen him since I got back of my trip and since I found out. What do I do? Do I talk to him about it? Do I ignore him? Or do I be nice to him? I actually dont blame him so much for sleeping with her as I know it meant nothing and to be honest I dont think he remembers that much.
Can someone help me out on this one.
Thanks so much
Well Im still going. It has now been 8 weeks since I left him and everyday has hurt and everyday I have wondered if I did the right thing. Over the last month he has seemed to be getting his act together. He has cut back ( so I have heard from others) and I know he hasnt been with any women (till now...) I decided on the 20th Dec I was going to get away. Im exhausted and needed a break.
Before I went we met up a few times and the night before I went away we spent the night together. It was clear there are still strong feelings on both sides. We had a talk and agreed it was the alch that was the issue and was the reason we couldnt be together as I felt I cant support him anymore. A mistake maybe, but it felt so good and right at the time. I left for my trip feeling Ok.
On Christmas Eve my "friend" called. This is my best friend who knows everything and what I have been through. I slept on her couch for 1 week after we broke up. Someone who knew all my secrets and feelings. She told me 3 weeks after we broke up she slept with him.!!!! How could she. She told me she had met him in a bar. He was drunk (which I believe!!) and she said she was too. I have been friends with her a while and she never never gets that drunk she doesnt know what shes doing.
She knew damm well what she was doing.
I called him to ask if it was true and he admitted it. He sounded awful. He was so so sorry and was nearly in tears. I put down the phone and cried an ocean. I called him Christmas Day. I wanted the truth. He said it had happened once and he regretted it, was so sorry etc...
My friends (who had been in the bar with him Christmas Eve) called to see I was Ok. They said after the phone call he was real upset and quiet. He then drank himself into oblivion. It was that bad he was sicking up blood. He had to be taken into hosptial. He didn`t tell me this when I spoke to him Christmas Day. I guess he was so ashamed.
He has a lung disorder anyhow and providing he "takes care" of himself can live a decent life. Apparently the way he is with the drinking he will be lucky to reach 40. He is only 29. It is like he is on a mission to destroy himself before it destroys him. Im not sure. It cant be my issue anymore. What is my issue though is my "friend" betrayed me by sleeping with him.
Because my ex boyfriend and I were together for so long we naturally have the same circle of friends who are incrediably supportive. I am going out with them all on Friday. I know he is going to be there. It will be the first time I will have seen him since I got back of my trip and since I found out. What do I do? Do I talk to him about it? Do I ignore him? Or do I be nice to him? I actually dont blame him so much for sleeping with her as I know it meant nothing and to be honest I dont think he remembers that much.
Can someone help me out on this one.
Thanks so much
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: out of town
Posts: 85
Whew that's a tough one. I don't think you will know the answer until you see his face. Will the friend he slept with be their also? That might make a difference. Are you sure you are ready to put yourself in that position? My prayers and strength are with you on this one.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I'm going to relate a little story here and hope it helps in some way.
I'm a volunteer for an animal rescue group and as such one of my duties is to decide which potential adopters would provide suitable homes for the animals in our care. In order to make a determination we take a brief history from them. In short, we ask them if they've had a dog before and if so what happened to the dog.
The answer we're hoping to hear is that "I still have it," or "it died of old age." The answer we don't like to hear is "I gave it away because it barked too much," or "it shed too much," or "it got into the garbage." In essence we're trying to determine if they've ditched a dog for a behavior that is simply inherent in dogs. And why do we do that? Because in the course of our volunteer work we've come to the realization that people tend to repeat their past behaviors. So we make our judgments on whether they will care for the dog properly and for a lifetime based on their past history. Those who've displayed behaviors we deem inappropriate and harmful are sent on their merry way. Those who have provided a stable and nuturing environment in the past are the ones most likely to provide it in the future.
And in participating in this board, we've come to the realization that humans tend to repeat their past behaviors, too. So the reality is your husband will likely engage in extramarital affairs again, and your friend was willing to betray your trust once, so under the right circumstances, she will likely betray you again. So the question that you have to decide is whether you are willing to accept these behaviors or not. Only you know what's right for you. I wish you the wisdom and clarity of mind to make the right choice for you.
I'm a volunteer for an animal rescue group and as such one of my duties is to decide which potential adopters would provide suitable homes for the animals in our care. In order to make a determination we take a brief history from them. In short, we ask them if they've had a dog before and if so what happened to the dog.
The answer we're hoping to hear is that "I still have it," or "it died of old age." The answer we don't like to hear is "I gave it away because it barked too much," or "it shed too much," or "it got into the garbage." In essence we're trying to determine if they've ditched a dog for a behavior that is simply inherent in dogs. And why do we do that? Because in the course of our volunteer work we've come to the realization that people tend to repeat their past behaviors. So we make our judgments on whether they will care for the dog properly and for a lifetime based on their past history. Those who've displayed behaviors we deem inappropriate and harmful are sent on their merry way. Those who have provided a stable and nuturing environment in the past are the ones most likely to provide it in the future.
And in participating in this board, we've come to the realization that humans tend to repeat their past behaviors, too. So the reality is your husband will likely engage in extramarital affairs again, and your friend was willing to betray your trust once, so under the right circumstances, she will likely betray you again. So the question that you have to decide is whether you are willing to accept these behaviors or not. Only you know what's right for you. I wish you the wisdom and clarity of mind to make the right choice for you.
Radar
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 199
(((Katie))) Big hugs, dear. I've never been in this situation so I can only imagine how much it hurts. You might want to consider seeing a therapist even if it's just to vent so this doesn't fester in you and cause huge trust issues in your future.
:hugehug
:hugehug
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Ma
Posts: 145
Katie,
He is an alcoholic, who refuses treatment (cutting back is not treatment) and he slept with your best friend..(is she part of that incredibly supportive group?) and Your asking if you should be nice to him?? Wow-you are understanding-
He is an alcoholic, who refuses treatment (cutting back is not treatment) and he slept with your best friend..(is she part of that incredibly supportive group?) and Your asking if you should be nice to him?? Wow-you are understanding-
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
Katie,
When I broke up with an ex ABF, one thing I learned (but didn't do at first) was to tell people that knew both of us that I didn't want to hear any details about him. If someone started to tell me something I would ask them to stop, nicely but firmly. It was one of the first boundaries I learned to set for myself.
I also had to reevaluate the circle of friends that we had to figure out if I wanted to continue to see some of them. I recall in your earliest post that you mentioned your exABF has 2 circles of friends, and one group thought that he was acting quite immaturely, the other supported his behavior, even encouraged it. When I split up with this EX I had to make some decisions similar to this, as to which group I would spend time with and how much. I have built new friendships since then which have distanced me even more from any possible "updates" and I am grateful not to hear what is going on.
Recovery from my "love/codependece addiction" is something that I still work on. And there are days, even after I have moved on that I do wonder what has happened to him, but I don't follow through on them and seek out the information as I know, deep in my heart, that there is nothing there for me and it would not serve me well to go poking around.
Give yourself some more time and space to figure things out. It took me a long time to get to this point in my life and it will take me until the day I die to change my habits.
Wishing you the best,
Petunia
When I broke up with an ex ABF, one thing I learned (but didn't do at first) was to tell people that knew both of us that I didn't want to hear any details about him. If someone started to tell me something I would ask them to stop, nicely but firmly. It was one of the first boundaries I learned to set for myself.
I also had to reevaluate the circle of friends that we had to figure out if I wanted to continue to see some of them. I recall in your earliest post that you mentioned your exABF has 2 circles of friends, and one group thought that he was acting quite immaturely, the other supported his behavior, even encouraged it. When I split up with this EX I had to make some decisions similar to this, as to which group I would spend time with and how much. I have built new friendships since then which have distanced me even more from any possible "updates" and I am grateful not to hear what is going on.
Recovery from my "love/codependece addiction" is something that I still work on. And there are days, even after I have moved on that I do wonder what has happened to him, but I don't follow through on them and seek out the information as I know, deep in my heart, that there is nothing there for me and it would not serve me well to go poking around.
Give yourself some more time and space to figure things out. It took me a long time to get to this point in my life and it will take me until the day I die to change my habits.
Wishing you the best,
Petunia
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: State of indecision
Posts: 25
I guess I'm wondering what you gain by seeing him at all. Being drunk is no excuse for people to hurt you. I'm brand new here (hi!) so I don't know your backstory, but the whole situation seems toxic to me and I think you are having a rough enough time without inviting more stress in.
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