I am not sure I like my therapist very much...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: US
Posts: 316
I am not sure I like my therapist very much...
and I am tempted to cancel my appointment this week. I know that she is right and I know the things she says to me are only what I say to her reflected back to me and I DO NOT want to hear it.
For example, I will say "I love my husband and I am so angry with him for being a drunk" and she will say "Your husband is a drunk, you have every right to be angry". I DO NOT want to be an angry person. I do not want someone ELSE to call my husband a drunk.
I guess I should go anyway and just tell her to be nice to me.
Jenny
For example, I will say "I love my husband and I am so angry with him for being a drunk" and she will say "Your husband is a drunk, you have every right to be angry". I DO NOT want to be an angry person. I do not want someone ELSE to call my husband a drunk.
I guess I should go anyway and just tell her to be nice to me.
Jenny
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Hey Jen:
How long have you been seeing your therapist? I saw one posting that suggested a person should attend at least 6 meetings before they make a decision. Sounds like sound advice to me. Perhaps the reason you don't like your therapist to repeat what you've told her is that it seems to take on a different meaning when someone else tells you what you already know.
Case in point, I've read many threads here where the poster is discussing problems that are similar to my situation with my AB. I find it interesting that when it's someone else's problem, I immediately know the solution. But when it's my problem, I seem to have so much trouble deciding what I need to do.
By reading other people's posts, I've learned that I already knew the solution, I was just deluding myself that I had the power to change my AB. I'm learning that I have LOTS of power to change myself. And you know, as I make these changes, my AB seems to be changing himself in response to the changes I've made. I see that as a win-win situation.
So, perhaps what your therapist is trying to accomplish is to let you see how what you're telling her sounds like coming from some else.
Whadda think?
How long have you been seeing your therapist? I saw one posting that suggested a person should attend at least 6 meetings before they make a decision. Sounds like sound advice to me. Perhaps the reason you don't like your therapist to repeat what you've told her is that it seems to take on a different meaning when someone else tells you what you already know.
Case in point, I've read many threads here where the poster is discussing problems that are similar to my situation with my AB. I find it interesting that when it's someone else's problem, I immediately know the solution. But when it's my problem, I seem to have so much trouble deciding what I need to do.
By reading other people's posts, I've learned that I already knew the solution, I was just deluding myself that I had the power to change my AB. I'm learning that I have LOTS of power to change myself. And you know, as I make these changes, my AB seems to be changing himself in response to the changes I've made. I see that as a win-win situation.
So, perhaps what your therapist is trying to accomplish is to let you see how what you're telling her sounds like coming from some else.
Whadda think?
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
JennyK, my therapist, who happens to be a Christian who believes addiction is sin, told me that my AH's sin has "carried" over into me. She drew a thick black line around my heart that was connected to him and his addictions. And that thick black line can represent whatever you want it too, in this case, maybe your ANGER. Maybe you could tell the therapist you would like her to help you get rid of that thick black line and you don't want this anger to affect your heart anymore. It sure made sense to me, but I have a lot of thick black lines that need to get erased! I know I didn't explain this as well as she did, but I am no therapist, which you may want to consider when reading this - lol.
Take care.
Take care.
al anon
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: new york
Posts: 45
sometimes we don't like people who tell us the truth. i don't know about ur situation but u said that ur therapist is reflecting what u said. when u are in the situation by yourself( i mean ur relationship with your significant other), it is easy to talk urself out of feeling like u are in a bad situation. When someone points it out to you it goes against what u've been believing all along and defense mechanisms go up. U might learn much if u keep going or u might learn that u really don't like this person but it might help u to keep going either way
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Why not talk to her about how you feel when she say these things?
I think before any two people can come to have trust in each other sometimes there's stuff they need to get sorted, like what she means when she says stuff and how you feel about what's said. If you can be proactive in raising with her what you find hard it'll make the process much more two way - the way it should be.
Edit - sorry the first sentence read completely wrong!! I forgot the 'not' !! (where's the 'stupid' smiley?)
I think before any two people can come to have trust in each other sometimes there's stuff they need to get sorted, like what she means when she says stuff and how you feel about what's said. If you can be proactive in raising with her what you find hard it'll make the process much more two way - the way it should be.
Edit - sorry the first sentence read completely wrong!! I forgot the 'not' !! (where's the 'stupid' smiley?)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Hey Jenny,you say,she says to me,only what i say back to her relfected,back to me...hmmmm.Maybe not.Looks to me like she put her own "opinion" in here too.Example.You said,i love my husband and i am so angry with him for being a drunk.
Her response...your husband is a drunk,....you have every ...".right".... to be angry...{her words not yours}..Maybe this is why you want to cancell the next appointment?Its good that folks "hear" what i actually say.Then we are...clear...going one step at a time,here...Although you may feel that, you have this right to be angry,you didnt say these words,to her....
I,have the right to be peaved off,angry,etc...I could be "right" in getting angry,.Angry at this disease,not the person.Hard one.But through recovery steps,it can be done.Being "right",doesnt mean a thing.Changes nothing for me....Guys making a left hand turn.He see,s the oncoming car.But figures he has the "right" to make his turn,and so he does.BAm!!!.big acident,that could have been avoided.But all this guy thought off,was that he was in the "right"...The law says that he had the right to make this turn.And that the other car should have waited for him to make this turn.Didnt happen.The other guy didnt know any better,and thought he too was "right"...
All the best,,take it one day at a time....
Her response...your husband is a drunk,....you have every ...".right".... to be angry...{her words not yours}..Maybe this is why you want to cancell the next appointment?Its good that folks "hear" what i actually say.Then we are...clear...going one step at a time,here...Although you may feel that, you have this right to be angry,you didnt say these words,to her....
I,have the right to be peaved off,angry,etc...I could be "right" in getting angry,.Angry at this disease,not the person.Hard one.But through recovery steps,it can be done.Being "right",doesnt mean a thing.Changes nothing for me....Guys making a left hand turn.He see,s the oncoming car.But figures he has the "right" to make his turn,and so he does.BAm!!!.big acident,that could have been avoided.But all this guy thought off,was that he was in the "right"...The law says that he had the right to make this turn.And that the other car should have waited for him to make this turn.Didnt happen.The other guy didnt know any better,and thought he too was "right"...
All the best,,take it one day at a time....
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Hi Jen,
Do you think you're in denial? When someone tells us something we already know, we have a tendency to get defensive and protect the AH/AD. We can say and think one thing about our problem, but when someone does it, it makes us mad. I went through the same thing with my therapist. It took time, but she was radiating back to me my anger, fear and hate. I guess it's a method with which they help us see our situation more clearly and from a different point of view. Yeah, we know all about it, but do we want to hear it? It different somehow.
A therapist cannot tell you what to do directly. It's their job to listen and help us listen to ourselves. They will rephrase what we tell them, but they won't come right out and tell us they're a bunch of drunks.
There were many times I got angry with her. One such episode was when we were talking about what things I wanted to accomplish with therapy and she said, "that's if you come back". I was really pi**** at her for making that statement. Now I see that it was her way of lighting a fire under me to make sure that I work on helping myself and accepting the fact it would take time.
Keep going to her and tell her of your feelings.
Kathy
Do you think you're in denial? When someone tells us something we already know, we have a tendency to get defensive and protect the AH/AD. We can say and think one thing about our problem, but when someone does it, it makes us mad. I went through the same thing with my therapist. It took time, but she was radiating back to me my anger, fear and hate. I guess it's a method with which they help us see our situation more clearly and from a different point of view. Yeah, we know all about it, but do we want to hear it? It different somehow.
A therapist cannot tell you what to do directly. It's their job to listen and help us listen to ourselves. They will rephrase what we tell them, but they won't come right out and tell us they're a bunch of drunks.
There were many times I got angry with her. One such episode was when we were talking about what things I wanted to accomplish with therapy and she said, "that's if you come back". I was really pi**** at her for making that statement. Now I see that it was her way of lighting a fire under me to make sure that I work on helping myself and accepting the fact it would take time.
Keep going to her and tell her of your feelings.
Kathy
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I did not like my counselor either.......he is a recovering crack addict.....when I first went in there, I had a gut instinct that he was a recovering something......so I asked him and he told me that he was........I was a bit uncomfortable with that, but said hey I am going to give him a try........he was a counselor, dealing mainly with drugs and alcohol...so I thought he would be able to help my husband for sure because he could relate.....
I had discovered later on in part of my recovery process.....that I was going to the counselor for the wrong reasons...I was going so they would agree with everything I was saying and fix my H......and the couple of session where issues came up where he agreed with my H.........ouch I didnt like it very much.......but left out of there saying to myself this guy has no clue what I am going through..........he has no idea......
Meanwhile I was coming to this site and reading and learning and going to the library and getting books.......Sometimes I felt when I went in there.....I knew more than he did............he told me that I was not co-dependent......If he couldnt see that I was co-dependent...........than I knew there was something wrong.
I know that part of me was being so close minded........I didnt want to hear what my problems were........I was here to fix my husbands problems because I didnt have any..............I was the victim.........I was looking for someone to feel sorry for me........and say poor poor me........
I went for 16 visits with this guy..........before I realized I was going for all the wrong reasons.........and I really didnt like him very much.....my goal for this new year is to seek IC and go for myself.............someone mentioned on this site once, that stuck to me very strongly...........it is very rare when two people want and seek recovery at the same time............So this year 2005..........I am going to find a counselor for just me............
I had discovered later on in part of my recovery process.....that I was going to the counselor for the wrong reasons...I was going so they would agree with everything I was saying and fix my H......and the couple of session where issues came up where he agreed with my H.........ouch I didnt like it very much.......but left out of there saying to myself this guy has no clue what I am going through..........he has no idea......
Meanwhile I was coming to this site and reading and learning and going to the library and getting books.......Sometimes I felt when I went in there.....I knew more than he did............he told me that I was not co-dependent......If he couldnt see that I was co-dependent...........than I knew there was something wrong.
I know that part of me was being so close minded........I didnt want to hear what my problems were........I was here to fix my husbands problems because I didnt have any..............I was the victim.........I was looking for someone to feel sorry for me........and say poor poor me........
I went for 16 visits with this guy..........before I realized I was going for all the wrong reasons.........and I really didnt like him very much.....my goal for this new year is to seek IC and go for myself.............someone mentioned on this site once, that stuck to me very strongly...........it is very rare when two people want and seek recovery at the same time............So this year 2005..........I am going to find a counselor for just me............
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
JennyK,
I have not liked my counselor at times. And have cancelled appointments or avoided making others when I got annoyed or my feelings were hurt by things that she pointed out or questions she asked. But I am still seeing her, 3 years later with much progress under my belt.
I have learned that I can disasgree with my counselor and tell her that I don't agree with her perspective. Sometimes she will push the issue, other times she will let it drop. But I realize now that this is what a relationship is about. Agreeing to disagree - sometimes. Other times, voicing why I feel the way I do and listening to the other when they present their thoughts.
Early in my therapy sessions I didn't have sufficient coping skills or relationship skills to allow this to occur. I am better now and continue to grow every day to some degree and am grateful for her approach.
I hope that you will find some support in whomever you choose to talk to. I know that my counselor has been a huge positive influence on my road to unlearning my co-dependent behaviors.
Peace,
Petunia
I have not liked my counselor at times. And have cancelled appointments or avoided making others when I got annoyed or my feelings were hurt by things that she pointed out or questions she asked. But I am still seeing her, 3 years later with much progress under my belt.
I have learned that I can disasgree with my counselor and tell her that I don't agree with her perspective. Sometimes she will push the issue, other times she will let it drop. But I realize now that this is what a relationship is about. Agreeing to disagree - sometimes. Other times, voicing why I feel the way I do and listening to the other when they present their thoughts.
Early in my therapy sessions I didn't have sufficient coping skills or relationship skills to allow this to occur. I am better now and continue to grow every day to some degree and am grateful for her approach.
I hope that you will find some support in whomever you choose to talk to. I know that my counselor has been a huge positive influence on my road to unlearning my co-dependent behaviors.
Peace,
Petunia
Radar
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 199
Hi Jenny. My AH and I have been seeing a counselor for about 2 months. We go together and separately and sometimes I just don't want to see her because she makes me feel uncomfortable. But that's her JOB! She made me see that my anger and bitterness was hurting me more than him. She made me see that I start a lot of the fights. She made me see that some of my behaviors were destructive to me and to any relationship that I have, friends included.
What I really like about her is her number one rule for us is "No Sex Allowed!" YAY! We're not allowed to have sex until we become friends and can trust each other again. That may take a long long time...
What I really like about her is her number one rule for us is "No Sex Allowed!" YAY! We're not allowed to have sex until we become friends and can trust each other again. That may take a long long time...
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