Is This What Marriage Is Like?
 

4 months ago I was married to a recovering alcoholic. I'm 23 and he's 34. He has been sober since I've known him until now. He has been taking vicodin for chronic pain for the past 1 1/2 years and recently told me that he would like to get off of the medication because he doesn't like to be dependent on it. A week later I found out that he had been taking anywhere from 40-100 pills a day! He then went into the hospital for detoxing and found out that his liver enzymes were extremely elevated and he was transferred to a medical floor. His enzymes would keep going up and the doctors were concerned that he would have to be put on a donor list if the enzymes wouldn't come down. Thank God they started to come down and now he's doing better and the levels are almost back to normal. In the meantime, I found out that he hadn't been paying the bills and has spent well over $11,000 since we were married in August. I also found out that he knew he had a problem since before we were married.

So here I am, feeling lied to, betrayed, angry and hurt. I feel as though his vows meant nothing to me. I'm not sure what to expect as far as Tx goes and when do you reach a point when enough is enough?? I'm having a tough time worrying about whether I will be enabling or become co-dependent and how do you give tough love? And how can someone claim to love you so much but then turn around and hurt you so bad?? I feel as though I've aged 10 years...I feel old and I'm only 23!! So if anyone out there has any words of wisdom I would greatly appreciate your comments and advice...

NewlyWed :confused:

((((Newlywed)))))))))) wow- what a terrible thing to have happened! Welcome to SR - we can all relate to you pain here. I dont' have any specific advise, other than to find out as much as you can from reading these posts and any other place that offers information about addiction. I'm sorry for you hurt honey..

Hey Newlywed...

My answer to your question... Is This What Marriage Is Like?

..is no... that's isn't what marriage is like. But it is what living with an addict is like.

I'm sorry you were enlightened after the fact... and I'm sorry you got tossed in the deep end so fast.... but... it's reality now.... ;o(

Understanding codependency and addiction is the only way to help oneself make the necessary decisions around allowing this sort of behavior in ones' life. If there is anything I have learned.... it's that I can't make someone live their life according to what I think is best for them.... all I can do is choose to do what is best for me....


I pray for strength for you.

Hi Newlywed

I am so sorry for you. I come from the other side of the fence being a recovering alcoholic.

I recently split up from my fiance because of my addiction and just as importantly, the behaviours which came from my addiction. Lying, lack of self esteem, denial etc. etc. The fact is that until I got into AA and began to work my recovery, I couldn't even be honest with myself, let alone loved ones. I caused the situation and it's my responsibility. I spent ages trying to impose my will on her and never took time to really consider her needs. (I thought I did, but how the heck could I when I was so wrapped up in myself).

I know how much I still love her, but unless I work my recovery, that means nothing to her.

This is not your fault and you can't control your H's behaviour or his actions. He needs to want to change for himself. If he can grasp that fact and get into recovery, you guys stand a chance.

For now, stay strong and look after yourself.

Rich

Bikewench,

Can one be "codependant" after only 4 months of marriage? I would put this under the "you got rooked" after only 4 months.

PS-Rich, as a guy on this board it is good to see a man do what is right for a change.Good luck to you

AHCB....

From my prespective of codependancy... yes .

In fact.... if I'm already suffering from the disease myself.... I'm going to lie to myself about what I'm seeing so that I can fulfill my own codependant lie.


Codependancy is about not knowing how to see the truth.... or choosing to not see.... or simply thinking the truth or reality doesn't apply to one....

Anyone that goes over a codependant characteristic list will no doubt see their own traits many times over.

As far as I've seen, codependency is usually a pre-existing condition for people in alcoholic or otherwise toxic relationships.

Personally, I think the term is applied too broadly and I never identify myself as a "codependent". I certainly display codep behaviors from time to time, and for me this stems from growing up in a family system drenched in the disease of alcoholism. I didn't choose that situation. I was born into it.

The toxic relationships I've chosen since then? Those, I volunteered for. For today, I choose not to involve myself in toxic situations with toxic people any more than is absolutely necessary. Otherwise, my sanity suffers.

I agree. Also, I think co-dependency can be a personality trait developed early in life, regardless of whether you are raised around addictions (I wasn't). This trait can be toxic all by itself. Anyway, the fact that Newlywed finds herself in this "mess" after only 4 months of marriage doesn't necessarily make her a co-dependent. She is new to this and is shocked and confused.

Newlywed, read the many posts here. You can make healthy decisions for yourself and your future. You've got the rest of your life ahead of you.

Codependancy comes from unresolved childhood wounding... in any form.

Read the post "What Addicts Do"
 

Ugly, but true. It's a fact of life. Doesn't make them BAD, evil, worthless human beings, but they'll follow the behaviors that addicts follow. Hopefully, your husband will get detoxed and clean. Once he does that, then he can face the consequences of his actions. Hang in there. This is a BAD situation and you must be devastated, but at least it sounds as if he really wants to kick the habit and that is a positive sign.

Hmmmm. I am certainly codependent, and have been for as long as I can remember. I was a shy girl who always needed to have a 'best friend' to do everything with. I can see this going all the way back to at least age 8. As I reached teen years I replaced best girl friends with best boy friends. Boyfriends or best girl friends, I handled it the same -- I always was willing to do whatever they wanted and like whatever they liked in order to have them and not be alone. And I wanted to be with them all the time, I was uncomfortable without them

As far as something in my childhood, I think it had to do with being unattractive in pre-teen years, with bad skin and greasy hair. I think my social phobia along with my appearance kept me from developing into someone who was popular (I joined nothing, and had poor social skills), which led to low self esteem, which led me to be codependent.

As I blossomed and became actually quite attractive, I think it was too late to prevent my codependence. I could now get men easily, but tended to fall for the 'wrong' ones... the needy ones. I craved the passionate expression of adoration they offered verbally. Then they could manipulate my self esteem issues and fear of being alone to control me and keep me with little more than those words, while their actions did not match.

Is God Forgiving?
 

I appreciate all the comments that I have received. I have been thinking about what I will do if something like this happens again. I've read some stories on here and am in awe by what other people go through!! People tend to wonder if they should leave their spouse and stop the "madness". When a person reaches a point of "enough is enough" and they want out....does God understand?? Since I made the vows to my husband that I will stick through this marriage in good times and in bad, does that mean that living a life with an alcoholic who is in constant relapse is what God wants for us?? And if we say that we want out, are we quitting on the marriage and on God????? Just some food for thought.....

Hello Newly,

Alwlays know that God understands, loves you and wants only the best for you. He does not want you to suffer nor be in pain.

What decisions you make will be for your own wellbeing, health and sanity. You're not quitting on the marriage. Nor on God. You're quitting on the addict/alcoholic. You've made the conscious decision to take your life back, (if that's the case) and to continue living a sane and happy life. And remember that God never quits on you.

Blessings, Kathy

Gelfling is right. God, our Higher Power, our Creator, whatever you choose to call it, doesn't want us to live miserable lives. In fact, the Bible says God wants us to have an "abundant" life. I think it's our own fears that keep us questioning and second-guessing what to do. At least that's my problem. I keep thinking, "Can I get a decent job? Can I make enough money so I can retire decently? Will I end up dying alone in some shabby apartment?" Jeesh! Talk about lack of faith. And when I think about it, that's the bottom line - taking that leap of faith into the great, vast unknown.

If a time comes when you feel you should go, you'll know it. Some folks get to that point, others don't. It's up to the individual.

is this what marriage is like?
 

I am sorry to hear of your pain and findings so early in your marriage. I hope not to get major flack for this, but I think now is time to do some major thinking and determine if, quite possibly, you want to live your life like this forever, but the odds point in that favor with any addict. You can get an annulment this early in the marriage. I don't want to throw a negative stone, but really REALLY think this through.

bikew - you certainly explained codependency in a nutshell. thank you for that wonderful nugget!

I have heard ministers say that GOD forgives divorce. The requirement is to repent.
That means in this case ask him to forgive because of your being unaware, then start reading books, so you will not do it again.
I get the idea that if we say we are sorry, then we mean also we will not repeat that again. You have to go with your gut. not by what I have heard or read.
I think if you try to read everything from Al-Anon and post here and go to meetings the answer will come. BEST FOR YOU thelm PS I would never preach anything, just shared what I have heard. Please do your own research.

These were my thoughts also. You were married under false pretenses. Go to Al-anon meetings, learn more, keep reading here and stay strong for yourself. You have choices to make on what way to go. Make them wisely. (((hug)))

faith

Newlywed--There are a lot of good comments here and I agree with what our
friends here are telling you. I just want to restate something that has already been said. You were misled by your AH and it is very early in the marriage. I'm certain
that you can get an anullment based on the fact that he decieved you. You may
want to give this a lot of thought--you might also want to look into his past. I'm guessing that you will find other episodes of addiction. Learn all you can about your
AH so that you can make a good decision for yourself. First and foremost--take
care of yourself. Let us know how you are doing. Smiles--Dee

Newlywed,

About God forgiving you. YES. Even the church recognizes divorce for legitimate reasons (physcial abuse/mental abuse) They tend not to recognize the "oh i dont love you and im bored etc" type.

In this case talk to your minister/priest/rabbi. I do not believe that you have anything to repent for and I bet your advisor agrees. Repenting is asking for the forgivness of sins. My favorite expression that even can help the alcoholic??

"God realizes the difference between weakness and wickedness".....peace to you