JDSO071470

I feel guilty even writing on this board... I have been married to my addict (cocaine) husband for 5 years, and he has been in recovery for over 10. We have two beautiful children, 4 and 8 months. I am at the end of my rope - he stopped working a program, stopped going to meetings about 6 months ago - and just like clock work relapsed. First in June of 04, then in August, now again in December. He is so predictable and cannot hide it when he choses to relapse. I grew up with an alcoholic father who died suddenly three years ago - I do not want to raise my children in the environment I grew up in - I just won't do it. My husband is very successful, has achieved many things and has what I hoped was a great life - but lately, all he can do is complain. The latest game is, let's talk about the wife's issues. Today is the perfect example, we were to go to an open meeting and dinner, part of the latest recovery effort, and he cancels, switches work plans and heads out of town because the drive will be "too" long tomorrow. It's now 10:30 and no phone call -- since 4:00. It's the same game different day. I am just tired, tired of fighting, tired of being told I am a lousy wife, lover, partner, the list goes on... I just want out! I have no one to turn to, he does not want me telling his folks or family (which I think is enabling by omission). I am just tired. I deserve better, and the kids deserve better. Worst of all, my heart is completely broken not just for me, but for our kids. He choses coke over them. I go to meetings, I review the threads looking for some direction. I don't know where to start - I am completely lost.

JessicaNAJ

JDS - I'm sorry you are hurting right now.

My prayers are with you. May you have peace tonight and get a good nights rest.

sam

I understand everything you said, JDS. This is exactly how I felt 8 month's ago. I am now separated from my ah and it took me 17 years to do it. I was so depressed and tired, I could barely get to my job as a teacher. I just said, enough. I won't go through this anymore. And, you know what, I went ahead and told his family (also, alcoholics and enablers) how many secrets I had about him and our marriage. All the cover-ups and lies. After I told them, it felt like the beginning of a rock being lifted off my shoulder. (Of course, they don't speak to me now, but I don't care. It's their problem, not mine.)

My one question to myself was when I finally made the decision. Do I want to do this 15 more years, do I want to be 65 and wonder what the hell I had done with my life, and did I want my daughter exposed to the lies, worries, cover-ups as I had been doing for so long and risk her becoming co-dependent as I? No, to it all.

You have to make the decision for yourself. It's scary and hard. But, I am more at peace. I just couldn't live with his illness any longer.

I will think of you. Listen to God and he will guide you. But remember, you have to listen real close as to not let yourself and your co-dependence get in the way. You will know what to do and don't second guess yourself. Go with your heart.

Hugs.

Sam

boilerchic32

i feel your pain...i've been crying all day because of an alcoholic boyfriend...my prayers aare for you!