He was a no show - why disappointed?
Caring for the 3 little bears
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
He was a no show - why disappointed?
We went to a visitation Wednesday, and I believe he was using. I said something to him. We didn't have a fight, just let him know I knew. When I dropped him off he said let's go to church together Sunday evening, which we have been doing for several weeks. Haven't heard a word from him since Wednesday. He usually calls every day to talk to the kids. He was a no show tonight.
Why am I letting this bother me so much. Expectations are resentments waiting to happen, right? I guess I am not so upset that he would be a no show for my sake, but for his two precious little girls?
Why can't I just let go of this? What can I do to help these little ones?
I know I can reinforce this is not their fault. That dad is sick and his brain doesn't work right.
I have been grieving my marriage off and on for the past 10 or 11 weeks, however long we have been separated. I guess maybe now I am grieving the fact that my children don't have an participating father. I raised two older ones without their dad, and they are doing unbelievably well now at the ages of 18 and 20. But, I know it was hard for them. These two have had a dad around. And now he is gone. Will it be harder for them?
Many people tell me they are proud of me for not getting divorced. Many people tell me they are proud of me for trying so hard to make this work. But, I know many people would be proud of me for calling it quits - especially my two older daughters! I don't really care who is proud of me about what, i just want to do the right thing for these two precious little girls.
Am I just having a pity party? Why can't I just face the fact that this is over and done? I feel like I am waiting for something tragic happen to finally call it quits. This has been going on over 16 years. What in the world am I waiting for? I know I need some guidance - I just don't feel like I am ready to make any huge decision right now.
Thanks for listening.
And now, my 5 year old is crying for daddy.
Why am I letting this bother me so much. Expectations are resentments waiting to happen, right? I guess I am not so upset that he would be a no show for my sake, but for his two precious little girls?
Why can't I just let go of this? What can I do to help these little ones?
I know I can reinforce this is not their fault. That dad is sick and his brain doesn't work right.
I have been grieving my marriage off and on for the past 10 or 11 weeks, however long we have been separated. I guess maybe now I am grieving the fact that my children don't have an participating father. I raised two older ones without their dad, and they are doing unbelievably well now at the ages of 18 and 20. But, I know it was hard for them. These two have had a dad around. And now he is gone. Will it be harder for them?
Many people tell me they are proud of me for not getting divorced. Many people tell me they are proud of me for trying so hard to make this work. But, I know many people would be proud of me for calling it quits - especially my two older daughters! I don't really care who is proud of me about what, i just want to do the right thing for these two precious little girls.
Am I just having a pity party? Why can't I just face the fact that this is over and done? I feel like I am waiting for something tragic happen to finally call it quits. This has been going on over 16 years. What in the world am I waiting for? I know I need some guidance - I just don't feel like I am ready to make any huge decision right now.
Thanks for listening.
And now, my 5 year old is crying for daddy.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Wraybear
If you don't feel ready, wait. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, this is your life and only you can decide what is right for you and when the timing is right to do it.
We don't have to force solutions. Just waiting until the time is right allows life to unfold naturally and often the answers come to us loud and clear when we are just patient and wait.
Hugs
Ann
If you don't feel ready, wait. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, this is your life and only you can decide what is right for you and when the timing is right to do it.
We don't have to force solutions. Just waiting until the time is right allows life to unfold naturally and often the answers come to us loud and clear when we are just patient and wait.
Hugs
Ann
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Wray,
You're holding onto the familiar.
No matter how bad it seems, sometimes the familiar feels safer than the unknown.
When we need to get to the next good place, one of two things happens.
We either go there on our own, or the Universe gives us a big shove.
Every time I've gotten a shove, I've gotten a parachute that ensured a safe landing.
You will too.
Hugs,
Gabe
You're holding onto the familiar.
No matter how bad it seems, sometimes the familiar feels safer than the unknown.
When we need to get to the next good place, one of two things happens.
We either go there on our own, or the Universe gives us a big shove.
Every time I've gotten a shove, I've gotten a parachute that ensured a safe landing.
You will too.
Hugs,
Gabe
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
wraybear, you have to find what is best for you. When it is best for you. It doesn't have to be today unless you feel it does. When you do what is best for you then you will also be doing what is best for your kids. My heart goes out to you because I know this is eating you alive. Stop. Try and find some peace in your soul before you make a decision. Otherwise just forcing yourself to make the decision could drain you of all the stregnth that you will need when you do decide. I know that is hard. But the one thing I can tell you that I know first hand is that if you don't take care of yourself then the problem can destroy you.
If you don't keep yourself well then your kids will have two sick parents.
Hugs
B
If you don't keep yourself well then your kids will have two sick parents.
Hugs
B
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Wraybear -
You know that knot that is in your stomach everytime something like this happens? When you are ready to let go, that knot will also let go. Your kids will feel the absence of that knot almost as much as you do.
It will probably never feel like the perfect moment and if you wait for that it will never happen but the time does come when you will know. As long as you and the kids are not in any danger you can keep doing what you are doing "one day at a time".
Big hugs to you, Jo
You know that knot that is in your stomach everytime something like this happens? When you are ready to let go, that knot will also let go. Your kids will feel the absence of that knot almost as much as you do.
It will probably never feel like the perfect moment and if you wait for that it will never happen but the time does come when you will know. As long as you and the kids are not in any danger you can keep doing what you are doing "one day at a time".
Big hugs to you, Jo
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Originally Posted by wraybear
What can I do to help these little ones?
Don't worry about what anyone else things or expects. You do what YOU need to do. Afterall, this is your life - not their's.
Stay strong ... Your doing great!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Ma
Posts: 145
Wraybear,
You are disappointed because you are tired. Tired of worrying about him, his effect on the kids, tired of thinking that maybe just maybe "this is the time". The time he stops, and the time you can be a "normal "family"
We have all been there. We tell ourselves that we will not get get fooled again. Until they stop, I wont believe it. BUt we do. We hope against hope, and ask God that this be the time my SO stops drinking. Hoping makes you tired. We get damm sad that this time has turned out like all the others.
Now the question is what we do with that sadness. Do we let it linger for a day or two (nothing wrong with wanting a small pity party) before we move it on, and go back hoping that the next time is "the time". Or do we just let in engulf us so we no longer see our way clear, or a future beyond this. We dont let it linger..we hope..
DO you remember in Peanuts how each fall charlie brown went to kick the football? He stood there lining it up and seeing it in his eyes mind, sail through the air. He was excited and full of hope and then LUCY...damm her..Pulled it away.....We could focus our attention on the disappointment in charlie browns life at that moment, the sadness, all that he imagined gone because of one person..OR we focus on his hope. That despite the setback, he was ready to try each time the ball was placed down. As we all are. Sadess and disappointment, yes. But we try anyway. Now we dont know if or when charlie gets to kick the football, but we do know this; If he no longer trys, he will never kick it. Never know the thrill of it sailing in the air, seeing it go even farther than he hoped or imagined.
Wraybear you are disappointed because honestly this just sucks sometimes. Dust youself off, and get ready for another kick, for there will be another chance. Then hopefuly, it will be better than you ever hoped or imagined.
You are disappointed because you are tired. Tired of worrying about him, his effect on the kids, tired of thinking that maybe just maybe "this is the time". The time he stops, and the time you can be a "normal "family"
We have all been there. We tell ourselves that we will not get get fooled again. Until they stop, I wont believe it. BUt we do. We hope against hope, and ask God that this be the time my SO stops drinking. Hoping makes you tired. We get damm sad that this time has turned out like all the others.
Now the question is what we do with that sadness. Do we let it linger for a day or two (nothing wrong with wanting a small pity party) before we move it on, and go back hoping that the next time is "the time". Or do we just let in engulf us so we no longer see our way clear, or a future beyond this. We dont let it linger..we hope..
DO you remember in Peanuts how each fall charlie brown went to kick the football? He stood there lining it up and seeing it in his eyes mind, sail through the air. He was excited and full of hope and then LUCY...damm her..Pulled it away.....We could focus our attention on the disappointment in charlie browns life at that moment, the sadness, all that he imagined gone because of one person..OR we focus on his hope. That despite the setback, he was ready to try each time the ball was placed down. As we all are. Sadess and disappointment, yes. But we try anyway. Now we dont know if or when charlie gets to kick the football, but we do know this; If he no longer trys, he will never kick it. Never know the thrill of it sailing in the air, seeing it go even farther than he hoped or imagined.
Wraybear you are disappointed because honestly this just sucks sometimes. Dust youself off, and get ready for another kick, for there will be another chance. Then hopefuly, it will be better than you ever hoped or imagined.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
I just wanted to add some wisdom from my 9 year old. I saw my AH's car parked by the bar in a tow zone. I was worried he was going to get towed, knowing he has not money as it is now. I couldn't get ahold of my AH on his phone and muttered my thoughts out loud. My son said to me, "that's his problem".
Kids are awesome and we really don't give them enough credit. They are so resilliant. Take care of them little ones and you. You don't have to justify their daddy's actions to them. That's his problem.
Kids are awesome and we really don't give them enough credit. They are so resilliant. Take care of them little ones and you. You don't have to justify their daddy's actions to them. That's his problem.
Caring for the 3 little bears
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
Jessica, thanks! I needed to hear that. And, thanks everyone else for your words of wisdom. I LOVE this place! It is so nice to hear your various points of view and I learn something from each and every one of you each and every time I get on here. Thanks!
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