It's been almost a year
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Alexandria VA
Posts: 9
It's been almost a year
My AH has been in recovery for almost 12 months, and here's what I'm up against:
A) He seems miserable and depressed. Has few interests; watches TV when he's not at work or sleeping. Has very few friends; says that without alcohol & drugs life is boring and he doesn't know what to say to people. He sleeps a lot, hardly talks to me.
B) He refuses the possibility that he is depressed, and he is dead set against anti-depressant medication. He does see a therapist weekly (but he calls it a chore), and we go to marriage counseling weekly (at my insistence). I go to a therapist and Al Anon weekly (both godsends!)
C) I try to mind my own business when it comes to his recovery plan, but he never talks to his sponsor, isn't working the steps, and recently cut way back on the number of meetings he goes to. I observe this but don't talk to him about it - it's his deal.
D) He has a bad temper occasionally, and I worry when he flares up at our 2 year old. He would never hurt our son, but he yells and curses and slams things. I don't like the example he sets, in terms of throwing tantrums and also in so much TV watching.
E) I am very detached from my husband at this point. I have activities, friends, etc. I'm no longer allowing myself to get wrapped up in his depression - and yet it is depressing to live with someone so sad, insecure, and boring. We haven't had sex in almost a year.
F) I never knew him sober before. We have been married for 7 years and were both drinking when we met. Maybe we don't have anything in common anymore, and maybe my needs have changed. He's a kind man, but he's not emotionally available or financially responsible or, frankly, fun to be around.
G) He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (by 3 different psychiatrists) last year before he went into rehab. He went off his medication without telling me, a few months later. I don't know if what he's experiencing now is a normal part of adjusting to sober life, or whether it's a depressive phase of his disorder.
So here I am, wondering whether to keep going in this marriage. I'm trying to be patient, but I'm pulling a dead weight. He's struggling, and I feel guilty considering leaving in his time of need. Then again, I've learned that sometimes leaving is what they need in order to learn that they are responsible for getting themselves better. For better or for worse - well this is worse, but how long do I hang in there?????
A) He seems miserable and depressed. Has few interests; watches TV when he's not at work or sleeping. Has very few friends; says that without alcohol & drugs life is boring and he doesn't know what to say to people. He sleeps a lot, hardly talks to me.
B) He refuses the possibility that he is depressed, and he is dead set against anti-depressant medication. He does see a therapist weekly (but he calls it a chore), and we go to marriage counseling weekly (at my insistence). I go to a therapist and Al Anon weekly (both godsends!)
C) I try to mind my own business when it comes to his recovery plan, but he never talks to his sponsor, isn't working the steps, and recently cut way back on the number of meetings he goes to. I observe this but don't talk to him about it - it's his deal.
D) He has a bad temper occasionally, and I worry when he flares up at our 2 year old. He would never hurt our son, but he yells and curses and slams things. I don't like the example he sets, in terms of throwing tantrums and also in so much TV watching.
E) I am very detached from my husband at this point. I have activities, friends, etc. I'm no longer allowing myself to get wrapped up in his depression - and yet it is depressing to live with someone so sad, insecure, and boring. We haven't had sex in almost a year.
F) I never knew him sober before. We have been married for 7 years and were both drinking when we met. Maybe we don't have anything in common anymore, and maybe my needs have changed. He's a kind man, but he's not emotionally available or financially responsible or, frankly, fun to be around.
G) He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (by 3 different psychiatrists) last year before he went into rehab. He went off his medication without telling me, a few months later. I don't know if what he's experiencing now is a normal part of adjusting to sober life, or whether it's a depressive phase of his disorder.
So here I am, wondering whether to keep going in this marriage. I'm trying to be patient, but I'm pulling a dead weight. He's struggling, and I feel guilty considering leaving in his time of need. Then again, I've learned that sometimes leaving is what they need in order to learn that they are responsible for getting themselves better. For better or for worse - well this is worse, but how long do I hang in there?????
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
It sounds like all your husband has done is remove the drugs and alcohol.
And while that is a great thing, it is not all that's necessary.
It also sounds like he isn't going to improve unless he takes his meds.
Clearly, that is his choice.
There isn't much you can do.
You can't make him take his meds.
You can't make him work a program.
You can't make him a happy person.
It's not easy to live with someone who is depressed and who doesn't interact with you on any level.
How long do you hang in there?
Until it's clear to you that "there" isn't where you want to be anymore.
And don't let guilt guide your choice.
Let what's going to make you happy be what guides you.
And while that is a great thing, it is not all that's necessary.
It also sounds like he isn't going to improve unless he takes his meds.
Clearly, that is his choice.
There isn't much you can do.
You can't make him take his meds.
You can't make him work a program.
You can't make him a happy person.
It's not easy to live with someone who is depressed and who doesn't interact with you on any level.
How long do you hang in there?
Until it's clear to you that "there" isn't where you want to be anymore.
And don't let guilt guide your choice.
Let what's going to make you happy be what guides you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: bowling green ky
Posts: 201
My AH is sober only 1 month- but the last 2 or 3 days he has start the same thing. He is depressed VERRY negative about everything, complaining whining- He acts like he did right before the last relapse (and frankly the two before that) my AH has NO clue how to be sober. I am trying hard to let him deal with it as he needs to, but it is hard. I hope your husband finds some way to beat the anger and depression without medicationg on alcohol.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Then again, I've learned that sometimes leaving is what they need in order to learn that they are responsible for getting themselves better. For better or for worse - well this is worse, but how long do I hang in there?????
Sometimes a relationship is just dead, and all the life support in the world won't put an ounce of life back into it.
Only you know where your relationship is, and only you will know when the time has come to leave it, or to choose to stay.
Hugs and Prayers that you answers come soon
Ann
Ugh!
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Enchanted Elmoland
Posts: 180
Hey Smilo!
I could have written that post only I have no kids, just some great pets. My AH is however still using. My only point in responding here is to let you know you are not the only person i such a situation. I know I felt much less alone in reading your post so thanks for that. I too wonder how long is it that someone can be in a "relationship" alone. I have tossed those words, "for better or worse" in my head for a very long time and wonder what I had commited to. If I would have known walking down that isle, just how much of it would be the worse part would I have still taken that walk? Well I cannot live in what ifs and I cannot change him that part I am sure of. So, for now I am doing the same as you going to my therapy, detaching, and seeking the help of alanon and anyone else that is available to help me in my journey. I feel the more healthy I get the more separated we become. I've learned so much from this experience but mostly that I want a healthy lifestyle and need a relationship with my HP. I think sometimes bad things happen so you know where your true strength comes from... Well, big ((((HUGS))))
~Faith
I could have written that post only I have no kids, just some great pets. My AH is however still using. My only point in responding here is to let you know you are not the only person i such a situation. I know I felt much less alone in reading your post so thanks for that. I too wonder how long is it that someone can be in a "relationship" alone. I have tossed those words, "for better or worse" in my head for a very long time and wonder what I had commited to. If I would have known walking down that isle, just how much of it would be the worse part would I have still taken that walk? Well I cannot live in what ifs and I cannot change him that part I am sure of. So, for now I am doing the same as you going to my therapy, detaching, and seeking the help of alanon and anyone else that is available to help me in my journey. I feel the more healthy I get the more separated we become. I've learned so much from this experience but mostly that I want a healthy lifestyle and need a relationship with my HP. I think sometimes bad things happen so you know where your true strength comes from... Well, big ((((HUGS))))
~Faith
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
For ever so long I felt the same way, now each morning I ask my H.P., sometimes my sponsor, and myself.
"Where am I today?
Where do I need to go to get to where I am supposed to be?
What do I need to do or receive to stay where I am Just for today?"
I also remind myself that marriages made in sickness don't always survive health. So Just for Today comes into play for me. I need also remember how long we lived together in sickness and got no where. If I am the one moving forward in healthy ways, always keeping the focus on my recovery, can I not stay in this marriage long enough to give my partner a chance to recover too?
As long as my partner doesn't interfere with my al-anon program, my recovery, my journey, is kind, responsible, caring, and here to the best of his abilities, the answer keeps coming up the same for me.
Just for today I am right where I am supposed to be.
Your answers maybe totally different than mine. I am only sharing with you what works for me. Both of us can have different answers to these questions and both of us can be right for ourselves. I believe that is why in al-anon we don't don't give advise.
Native Americans have a saying that fits this advise thing perfectly;
Don't judge anyone til you have walked a mile in their moccasins.
Good luck on your journey.
"Where am I today?
Where do I need to go to get to where I am supposed to be?
What do I need to do or receive to stay where I am Just for today?"
I also remind myself that marriages made in sickness don't always survive health. So Just for Today comes into play for me. I need also remember how long we lived together in sickness and got no where. If I am the one moving forward in healthy ways, always keeping the focus on my recovery, can I not stay in this marriage long enough to give my partner a chance to recover too?
As long as my partner doesn't interfere with my al-anon program, my recovery, my journey, is kind, responsible, caring, and here to the best of his abilities, the answer keeps coming up the same for me.
Just for today I am right where I am supposed to be.
Your answers maybe totally different than mine. I am only sharing with you what works for me. Both of us can have different answers to these questions and both of us can be right for ourselves. I believe that is why in al-anon we don't don't give advise.
Native Americans have a saying that fits this advise thing perfectly;
Don't judge anyone til you have walked a mile in their moccasins.
Good luck on your journey.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi Smilo.
I came here in August of '01, just a few months after Dino began to put crack out of his life. I say "began" because it was an on and off process that lasted for... oh... I don't even know how long. I stopped paying really close attention and I wasn't living with him, although he did stay with me from time to time (sometimes for months). He didn't go to AA or NA. He spent some time in counseling and therapy, but not much. The first couple of years it seemed that he was just stuck in the mentality that took him to drugs in the first place. Change was very slow. However, change he has. Now almost 4 years later he's pretty together.
About that "time of need" thing. Life with Dino drove me stark raving mad. As a matter of fact, he left here that March of 2001 partly because I was getting violent. And when he stayed here after that he only got to stay until he got on my last nerve. Often he was clever enough to leave before I started throwing things. Sometimes not. I think that those times, when he was back to using drugs or simply acting like a beligerent jerk, it could be said that he was in his "time of need". Using or acting out must certainly be signs of inner turmoil. However, those became my times of need as well, because I just couldn't stand it. I was too raw from those first 5 years of him to take another ounce of shizzle. And I was energetically working on recovery! So in his "times of need" I washed my hands of him... over and over. It didn't hurt him a bit. As a matter of fact he learned a lot about keeping his big fat feet off my toes. I didn't choose my sanity over his. Letting him lean on me at that time would have meant that we both fell. I simply chose my sanity. He was on his own because he had to be. He made it through, and he doesn't resent me. We're both saner now, and we're sort of starting over.
I see how hard you're struggling to understand your husband and be fair and kind to him. But you also remind me of those times when I just couldn't take another minute. You don't have to. His recovery does not depend on you standing by. I hope you will choose your own sanity, whatever that means to you. And I hope that, like Dino, your husband will find his own path to sanity as well. It took awhile for Dino. And I'm not sure that even if someone had said definitely "Dino will be endurable officially on February 14, 2004" that I would have been able to say "Oh, okay. I can take it, then." JT has a very wise phrase in her arsenal. "You can stay married one day at a time." It's the same notion that Gabe is referring to when she says "Until it's clear to you that "there" isn't where you want to be anymore." It's okay to stay now because it's okay now, and decide tomorrow or next week that it is not okay any more.
Hugs,
Smoke
I came here in August of '01, just a few months after Dino began to put crack out of his life. I say "began" because it was an on and off process that lasted for... oh... I don't even know how long. I stopped paying really close attention and I wasn't living with him, although he did stay with me from time to time (sometimes for months). He didn't go to AA or NA. He spent some time in counseling and therapy, but not much. The first couple of years it seemed that he was just stuck in the mentality that took him to drugs in the first place. Change was very slow. However, change he has. Now almost 4 years later he's pretty together.
About that "time of need" thing. Life with Dino drove me stark raving mad. As a matter of fact, he left here that March of 2001 partly because I was getting violent. And when he stayed here after that he only got to stay until he got on my last nerve. Often he was clever enough to leave before I started throwing things. Sometimes not. I think that those times, when he was back to using drugs or simply acting like a beligerent jerk, it could be said that he was in his "time of need". Using or acting out must certainly be signs of inner turmoil. However, those became my times of need as well, because I just couldn't stand it. I was too raw from those first 5 years of him to take another ounce of shizzle. And I was energetically working on recovery! So in his "times of need" I washed my hands of him... over and over. It didn't hurt him a bit. As a matter of fact he learned a lot about keeping his big fat feet off my toes. I didn't choose my sanity over his. Letting him lean on me at that time would have meant that we both fell. I simply chose my sanity. He was on his own because he had to be. He made it through, and he doesn't resent me. We're both saner now, and we're sort of starting over.
I see how hard you're struggling to understand your husband and be fair and kind to him. But you also remind me of those times when I just couldn't take another minute. You don't have to. His recovery does not depend on you standing by. I hope you will choose your own sanity, whatever that means to you. And I hope that, like Dino, your husband will find his own path to sanity as well. It took awhile for Dino. And I'm not sure that even if someone had said definitely "Dino will be endurable officially on February 14, 2004" that I would have been able to say "Oh, okay. I can take it, then." JT has a very wise phrase in her arsenal. "You can stay married one day at a time." It's the same notion that Gabe is referring to when she says "Until it's clear to you that "there" isn't where you want to be anymore." It's okay to stay now because it's okay now, and decide tomorrow or next week that it is not okay any more.
Hugs,
Smoke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Alexandria VA
Posts: 9
Thank you all SO much. It is amazing how it works - those of you who understand are able to tell me exactly what what I need to hear!
His recovery does not depend on you standing by.
And don't let guilt guide your choice.
I feel the more healthy I get the more separated we become.
Just for Today Just for Today Just for Today Just for Today Just for Today Just for Today Just for Today Just for Today Just for Today Just for Today
Today is a new day, a new year, and I am going to re-focus on myself and today. It helps immensely to know that there are others out there who understand. Today I will simply keep trying to be healthy & sane, and trust that if the time comes to make a change, I'll know.
love and best of luck.
--smilo
His recovery does not depend on you standing by.
And don't let guilt guide your choice.
I feel the more healthy I get the more separated we become.
Just for Today Just for Today Just for Today Just for Today Just for Today Just for Today Just for Today Just for Today Just for Today Just for Today
Today is a new day, a new year, and I am going to re-focus on myself and today. It helps immensely to know that there are others out there who understand. Today I will simply keep trying to be healthy & sane, and trust that if the time comes to make a change, I'll know.
love and best of luck.
--smilo
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