Totally Helpless and Hurt
 

I just found this site, and thought I might find some comfort and support and even help for myself in my situation. I have been trying to help my Ex-husband for some time with his "A" problem through this last DUI which will be his 5th in 10 years, and I'm beginning to think I'm crazy. We split due to an affair after being together for 12 years. He was released from jail back in August after pulling three months, and more recently, he was caught again and released after 30 days now facing some serious, serious jail time. Unfotunately he is still conversing with his "now" ex-girlfriend who is also a major "big" time "A", and I'm really having issues an thinking there is something seriously wrong with me. I have been appointed an officer of the courts for him, and with him still talking with this other person is beginning to really make me crazy. There is so much more to this story, but I hope you get the basics of what I am saying. Someone PLEASE help me!

To keep your sanity -remove yourself from all contact with him. Get yourself unappointed. He cheated on you= you owe him nothing. If you remain in this situation, you will go crazy- and for who- an alcoholic ex/ You are not his keeper. Make him responsible for his own actions. Were you not happier with no contact? if so go back to it. dax

You are NOT responsible for your ex's actions. Only he is. You need to detach and move on with your life. He has pretty well made his choice and if he wanted to be clean and sober, he wouldn't be in this mess, would he?
Try Alanon. It will help you so much.
Let go, get unappointed and move on with your life. You deserve better.

Hey hdshvls,
Sounds like you've been through a world of hurt with this guy.
You must really love him.
Ask yourself this question.
What are you getting out of this relationship?
Something is keeping you there.
When you get that figured out, it will be time to move on to the next step.
Glad you found us, stick around.
Gabe

I know ya'll probably know what I am saying, but it's just not that simple. We just had this major discussion, and I am going crazy right now, my emotions are on such a rollercoaster it's not funny. I've told him to go back to this chick. I really thought this time around that he and I could work things out after 14 years, but I'm seeing that we can't. He is taking these mandatory classes and taking Antibuse so he doesn't drink, and of course I'm there to see this through and help him "once again". If this other low life chick that he is so inlove with wants him so badly, then why doesn't she stand up to the plate for him. I question every move I am making now, and I know I need to get out, but if I do, he goes to back to jail. No pass go! He's got a terrible disease, and I know that, but I for some reason think I deserve this crap. Talking about it really helps, and I'm hoping that I can gain the strength to totally back out of this picture before I end up in a padded cell. I have already gone to jail myself for domestic violence (because of him and this other woman), and that's not what I am about, but I know have to take anger management classes because I struck out at him, and left a mark. This whole situation is just plum nuts, and I'm trying to figure out how I got myself back involved in his life after moving on for 15 months. Oh, that's right, I received a phone call after his 4th DUI from his girlfriend because she an ex-felon herself, and couldn't seem to carry her butt to the jail to bond him. I'm crazy, I know it. Thanks for allowing me to vent.

Yes I do love him, but at this point, I'm not sure what kind of love it is. Maybe it's just the love that God has shown me since I ran into him again (that is God). Maybe that is why I can't seem to turn my back, but I also know that God wouldn't want me to be unhappy in my life. He actually gives me "nothing", and has never given me anything even when we were legally married and before. I've always been a so to speak whipping post for him.

Did you go to jail because he filed charges against you? Or did the chick? either way- you owe him nothing. I am going to get flamed for this-I think he deserved it- Those of you against violence may now become hysterical. But when you find you spouse with another person you go nuts. The hurt is beyond imagination. hugs to you. dax

HDSHVLS, sorry you spent so much time on this rollercoaster. Sounds like they both are addicts, and you will never be able to figure either of them out. So, stop trying. Do something for yourself. You can't control either of them. You can't cure him. You can "love" him, but that doesn't mean you have to try to help him or live with him. He is not the same man you married. Find a support group. It isn't simple, yet it really is simple. Take care of yourself! Because, no one else will.

PS - You are not crazy, you are involved with addiction, and this is what addiction does to people.

Neither of them did, the police got involved and they pressed the charges.

Folks I know what steps to make, I just can't seem to pick my lead feet up and make them. I'm not a stupid wome (I like to think), but obviously this addiction has got a great hold of myself. He's 48 years old, and he's been drinking all of his life. It would be a safe bet to say that this is the first time in his life that he has actually sought out some kind of help, and of course, thanks to me, I found it for him. Maybe he's doing these things now to help him stay out of jail this time to show the judge, who knows. Maybe he will flee and look over his shoulder the rest of his life, maybe he will just check out cause he's a miserable human being. Thanks for the reply's people, I really do appreciate it, like I said I need to pick up my feet and move.

I am not a doctor or therapist, but you know the saying" It takes one to know one"? Well, honey, you are co-dependant with a capital C!
Co-dependants want to fix everyone and evrything in their path. There is a cure. Walking away and stepping back cold turkey. There is withdrawal, but you can resist.
If you have the means, seek a therapist, or go to ALANON. Get some face to face support. SR is great, but you need someone to help you be accountable.
You can do it. Your ex will probably bug you to help, but change your phone number, move if you have to just get away.
:lumpy

Hi. Your ex put himself in this situation... why do you have to get him out of trouble??? Why is it your responsibility??? You and only you is making it your responsibility.

Like Dawn says, you're codependent just like most of us. Now you need to learn how to not be codependent. Read Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie and go to Al-Anon. Learn how to be free of other people's problems so you can concentrate on your own life instead of theirs.

Take care and let us know how it goes... :wavey:

I definately am the big "C", and I know that. I plan on attending Al-Anon meetings, I have already made my mind up about that. Currently, I am trying to get him out of the house and go back to his sick relationship with his ex-girlfriend who he seems to think he's so in love with. They both are facing jail time (again), and I told him if he's so miserable, then he needs to go and be with her and live happy if that's what's going to make him happy. He sits around and sulks all day long, and I can't stand it, because I know what is going through his mind. I never thought of myself as a week person, but in this situation, I am. I will check in and let you all know what happens. Thanks for all your support and thanks for allowing me to vent.

My situation is simular. Although he is not my "ex" yet, he is awaiting to go to jail for his 3rd DUI. He is living in the home. He doesn't have a "girlfriend" but is trying to start relationships with some pretty low life scummy women. He says it is just for sex and I shouldn't be concerned. The hard part for me is that I know if he doesn't live with me he will probably be homeless. It is really hard to turn someone you have been with for 23 years to the street. I wish he had some other place to stay. He has no job, money or license and is still drinking. His family and friends will have nothing to do with him. My plan is just to wait until he goes to jail. He say he is going to get 2 years. I hoping that will be enough time to get my life together. I am ashamed to say I have also hit my AH and thrown logs of firewood at him. I was never in trouble legally but it was a wake up call for me to get out of this situation. At the time I did feel he deserved it, but I know it is not right. Good luck to you, it is a really hard situation hoplefully the legal system will free us and keep them. My thoughts are with you..

A little (more) unsolicited advice. If you can't get him to leave, call the police to make him go. Or threaten to. If he has a record, he won't want the police to be invovled and should go. But, you have to be ready to follow through on your threat if he doesn't go. Give him 3 days to move and then act.
And sweetie, please don't "plan to go to ALANON". As the old Nike commercial said "JUST DO IT!" :bunny3:

I hear what you are saying. Loud and Clear. I don't want to be ugly, but he knows what I am capable of doing, and I'm sick of his low life **** as well. It never about "sex", any therapist will tell you that. We need to get strong and stay strong, and not turn back. My problem is that I did turn back after moving forward. I reckon I'm just a sucker with a kind heart. I never used to have one back in the day, but it seems as I get older, I get softer in that aspect of my life.