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what now (Re where do I start)

Old 12-29-2004, 10:28 AM
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what now (Re where do I start)

I posted this earlier in newcomers, and was advised I could get advise here.

:-( I don't even know if I am posting in the right place. where do I start?

I think my partner is an alcoholic.He drinks every day. Sometimes as little as 4-5 cans of extra strength lager (Special Brew) Sometimes a few whiskies and some wine. I have been with him for 7 months, and only one night did he not drink. He then takes sleeping tablets, as he says he drinks as he can'nt sleep without it. It is ruining our relationship. He is always broke, he can't afford to go out and do things, and now he's in debt, he's still spending more than he can afford on alcohol. I don't think he is at the stage where he would drink copious amounts of alcohol, but I am scared it's where it's going. The worst of it is, he is so over the limit to drive, even going to work in the morning. I am worried he hurt himself or someone else, or lose his license. He is never violent or nasty whens he is drinking. I have tried sayin cut down, but he says he can't sleep and that gets him down, and I know it's true. The one day he did'nt drink, he stared at the ceiling all night. Of course over xmas things got a bit heated, and the mere suggestion of alcoholism is flatly denied. I want to help him, but at the moment it seems he does not think he has a problem :-(



Please help

Tori
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Old 12-29-2004, 10:50 AM
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He is an alcoholic. Run, Run, Run. You have just begun this relationship. Read many of the other post and ask yourself do I want to be in these situations the rest of my life. It is not a good thing to strap yourself with. It is a horrible thing to strap your kids with someday.
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Old 12-29-2004, 10:51 AM
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Hi Tori

Welcome to SR. I don't live too far away from you (just up the A12!).

Please settle in and have a read of some of the posts here. You will learn that you can't stop your partner drinking, nor can you control how much he drinks.

He obviously doesn't think that there is a problem, however YOU think there is. The only person you can get help for is you and I would suggest checking out some Al-anon meetings. I think there is a Thursday night meeting in Colchester - if you ring the number on here http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/contact.php , they will be able to give you details. I would be quite happy to talk to you before you go. Send me a Personal Message if you want to speak (click on my name and choose the Send PM option).

Settle in, take a look around and don't panic. You've come to the right place.

Love

Minnie
xxx
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Old 12-29-2004, 10:53 AM
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Oh, and Clyde's advice isn't bad, either!!
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Old 12-29-2004, 10:56 AM
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:-( I want to try to stick it out for a bit. he says he can do without it, so for now I think I'm committed
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Old 12-29-2004, 12:50 PM
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Tori,

Look around and what you see are alot of people who realized years into a marriage that thier SO was an alcoholic. Some of the A's have quit some have not. What you will NEVER READ HERE is how it GOT BETTER OVER THE YEARS WITHOUT QUITTING. It doesnt. They either quit, or eventually, as it is a progressive disease they die.

Tori, there is a heck of a lot of heartache along the way. The inability to sleep is his system being not only use to alcohol but requiring it. His need for sleeping pills compounds the problem. It shows his tolerance for alcohol is increasing, which will require him to drink more. Dont worry in a few short years they are able to embarrass you with less alcohol.

By this time you may have years invested, and you will not leave because you hope against hope that this will be the year he quits, acts responsible, and begans to treat you better. But it wont be. Perhaps next year....

It may not go this way at all, he may quit within a a week or so, or perhaps hurt someone while driving drunk....My point is this...You dont know...Listen to Clyde, and RUN, do not pass go, just RUN.
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Old 12-29-2004, 02:58 PM
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hi I have to agree with Clyde RUN honey RUN. I wish I would have found a site like this 12 years ago and someone would have told me to run.

If he doesn't think he has a problem you can't make him realize he does.Believe me it causes so much pain wondering why he would choose alcohol over you and it just gets worse.

Please keep reading here and really think about things.

((((((hugs)))))
Mindi
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Old 12-29-2004, 03:24 PM
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Really--Just keep reading the posts at this sight and any other alanon or AA sight.
I get that you feel compelled to help him, but how much of your life do you owe him?
This whole AH or AB is real messy business. Most of us have been dealing with it
for years and years and as you can see we didn't run. I guess thats why when we see
someone like yourself--early in the relationship-no children--not married--we all
say RUN--RUN---Run. Realistic you have to do whats best for you and we should
be more gentle but please keep in touch and let us know how you are.
Smiles---DEE
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Old 12-29-2004, 05:52 PM
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my recent ex bf that i was with for a year and a half is a very high functioning alcoholic who also uses alcohol to "relax" and to block out emotions and dealing with things. He was/is never violent and honestly did get less anxious and depressed when he drank so i guess i didn't see it as a problem. but i realized that even though he is doing nothing terrible to me, he is causing me emotional stress and sometimes it is not what they are doing but what they are not doing that is the problem. he does not put me as a priority and he thinks of himself often and my needs do not get met when he is going through something the least bit stressful. anyway he has admitted that he is an alcoholic- and has been going to therapy and aa but we had to break up because he couldn't deal with our relationship and aa at the same time. i asked him to take a two week break without speaking before we broke up to see if things with him would get better. i figured once he was sober things would get good between us but it only brought up more issues for him. he now has to deal with all those emotions he was blocking out and he is questioning everything he's ever done in his life - including dating me so for now we cannot be together. i am going to CODA and writing in a journal everyday and seeing a therapist( which i have done on and off for the last 10 years or so). I don't think i am the most codependent person but i definitely see traits that i have that i need to work on and the meetings help. i am now focusing on myself and it has been the best thing for me. i do miss him but i cannot be with him the way he is acting now. he is so lost. i just wanted to share my experience so u know that u are not alone and that it helps to focus on yourself. we can use focusing on others as a way of not having to focus on ourselves but it seems to just cause problems for us- so i would rather focus on me now and deal with some pain and hurt - rather than avoiding it only to feel more pain later.
hope that helped
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Old 12-30-2004, 07:46 AM
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re

Well..last night we had a big row. It's over. We visited one of his friends, and the discussion of children came up and I said with the amount he drank kids woudl not be an issue. Yet. anyway, I left his early, adn the next day, he dumped me. He said I had killed any love he had for me with what i'd said. His friend at the time agreed with me, that he would have to cut down on the alcohol if we had children, but I seem to have born the brunt of it all. He says he no longer loves me, which has cut me in two. I cried on the phone wiht him for an hour, because I love him so much, I just want him to try and cut down a bit, and in turn things woudl be better, as I'd be able to see him making an effort. I think the short answer is, he knows at the moment, he just can't do it. He is an alcoholic. I know this for sure now. Apparently I am the one with the problem. I'm insecure, paranoid and jealous, and he is right, he has made me all these things with the things he has done. The alcohol is not the only problem. He surrounds himself with lots of back up plans as i see it. Girls text him and call all times of the day and night, I feel scared he will go off with someone else. I almost feel stupid. he has been the only man to make me feel good about myself. He always told me how much he loved me, how good I looked, when I know I'm overweight and fed up. Think I have problems I need to deal with myself. But now I'm alone. He won't ever come back to me now. He is so angry. I think he hates me. He says he will never come back to me as he feels nothing for me. Yet christmas day he loved me. Now he does'nt. Just like that. makes me wonder if he ever really loved me at all. How could I be so stupid. I knwo what you are all thinking. She's had a lucky escape, and I know deep down this is probably true, I'm not so blind. But fact is, I love him, I still love him, and I still want him, for all his faults. I feel so alone. I don't have many friends, but some good ones. When I'm alone I'm totally miserable. The thoguth of starting over all over again is too much. I'm 31 and all my friends are settles with families and every relationship I have falls apart. I know I'm not easy to get on with too but I keep choosing the wrong men. I planned all my work around him over xmas and new year, now I'm at at lost end. I have no one to be with new year, although I do have family which I know sounds selfish, but the thought of being alone at new year scares me. I dont ant to be alone
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Old 12-30-2004, 07:59 AM
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((((((((Tori)))))))))))
I am sorry for your pain. I know that it hurts to be alone, but in the end we all are alone. It sounds like you could use some building up of your self esteem. Check out the Alanon meeting in your area. This might help you to learn to love yourself more and therefore expect more out of a relationship. Take it easy, call a friend, post your feelings here. You can make it though, there are people that care. I care. You are in my prayers. hang on.
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Old 12-30-2004, 08:46 AM
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I feel a meeting woudl be pointless now. I have no alcohol problems so how can they help me? Think all I need now is time. Will take a while to get over but I know I'll survive. I always seem to. I just miss him so much :-(
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Old 12-30-2004, 10:07 AM
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Welcome to SR..
Xmas and New Years are hard for the A's. I will bet once the parties are over he will be back to you, but it would be best to not go back into this. We should go to Al-Anon to learn how to live, how to avoid this again, and get a sponser for tel calls and go to coffee and maybe other fun things. It keeps the mind busy learning and we can help others because we have been there. Try different meetings till it feels right or you met someone you can relate to.
Our pattern is, we go out and find another alcoholic. So it is best to change ourselves, and know all the signs etc. Not easy but so worth it.
These are suggestions only, just how I think. I know how you are hurting, been there. Please take care of you. Read all the posts here. HUGS thelma
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Old 12-30-2004, 10:16 AM
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(((((( Tori))))))) I know your heart is breaking, and you are probably in a bit of spin. But, the cold hard reality is - you were right to be concerned. He just did you an enormous favor, believe me. I know what it is like to love someone and be hurt, but believe me the hurt you feel now, is NOTHING compared to the hurt of having children with a man and watching him put alcohol above you and your children, to watch him hurt their precious little hearts, to wonder how you got where you are and then to realize every decision you make impacts another little, innocent life, as well. Take the pain now, and get over it and get over him... Believe what these people say, when they post. And count your blessings - even though I know right now, it may not feel like it is a blessing. If I could do it over again - I wouldn't touch someone I even considered MAYBE drank a little too much - it's just not worth the heartache to come. Believe it, please believe it... You have a good New Year - alone is better than with an abusive drunk, a happy drunk, an incoherent drunk... alone is better.
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Old 12-30-2004, 12:05 PM
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Go to an al-anon meeting, just becasue you don't have a problem with alcohol, does not mean that you would not benefit from al-anon. I like to say that I wish I had found al-anon while growing up as it is a wonderful way to live. You mentioned you keep choosing the wrong men and that they make you feel jealous and insecure, well..... learn how to choose the right men by learning about yourself, improving your self esteem and finding out what makes you tick....it isn't being with a man or partner....it is in being secure and comfortable with yourself. Once you get there, people will beat down your door to want to be with you....31 is mighty young to me to be throwing in the towel for a lifetime of happiness. Generally, "sick" people find "sick" people and it takes quite a while to unlearn "sick" behaviors, but consider attending a meeting as an investment in yourself...you deserve it and you deserve to be happy, alone or with a man. By the way, look how far relying on someone else for happiness has gotten you........what a double edged sword love can be. Take a breather, go to a meeting, come here, and focus on yourself...everything else will eventually fall in to place....."well" people find "well" people just the same. I wouldn't change my AH for anything (mainly because I can't), not a single of his faults.....but I won't stick around if he crosses the boundaries I have set for acceptable behavior toward me and my children. I also am secretly thankful that his being an alcoholic led me to discover my issues and work on them....my side of the street is getting cleaner every day and I am certainly proud of the shine and happy that I have accomplished it....regardless of what my AH does. I agree..... alone is better than anything many of the people on here have endured in the name of love. It bothered me that my AH was driving drunk, but it didn't really hit home until I was out driving one day and came to the realization that he could kill me just as well as any other person out there....shows a lot of love for me huh? Broken hearts heal, but when you're dead....you're dead...and for many of us here that was or is a real possiblity. Some A's are like ticking time bombs, others are like rollercoaster rides that never end....neither of those sounds fun too me....and if I were in your shoes, I would be very glad the ride stopped and you could get off, even if you vomit anyway.....Sorry for the pain this has caused you and I hope you find your way. Good luck and god bless.
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Old 12-30-2004, 02:06 PM
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Even though I think he did you a favor, I feel for your pain. I think you were correct in wondering if he ever loved you in the first place. The moment you challenged his alcohol he turned on you. That is not love. From what I know and have read, alcoholics are very selfish people. I can definately see the difference in mine, sober and not. I am terrified to be alone. I do not want to be a single mom. I do not want my income cut in half. I do not want to loose my hsbands family, as I have none of my own. I do not want to sleep alone. I do not want to loose my best friend. I don't want to admit that I wasted 9 years of my life and love (OK not waste because I have and angel out of the deal) But in the end I have to think of my child and my own sanity. It is time for me to get off the coaster and onto all the "I don't wants". By dumping you he just saved you all that heart ache. I really sounds like you need to put your love and attention on yourself. I think you can never be happy in a relationship if you can not be happy with yourself. None of us are perfect but we all have something that makes us important and valuable to someone and if your boyfriend can not see it, then **** on him. But you have to be able to see or no one else can. You are so worthy of your own love and someday you will find a man that is worthy of you.
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Old 12-30-2004, 02:07 PM
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Dearest Tori,

so very sorry about the brutal breakup and all that. With your strength and courage, you showed him you knew the score and scared him to death. That's probably why the breakup. I think you're wonderful to be able to see the problem before you became so very seriously involved or married. And like you said, God forbid should there be kids.

Eventhough there is no longer an alcoholic in your life, the damage of his disease has affected you. Going to the meetings you'll find out how deeply the disease runs into the lives of us who love them.

For your mental health and wellbeing, please do the meetings. You'll learn how to avoid the AH type in the future. Otherwise, your next beau will be a repeat of your last one. It happens all the time. Please take care of yourself and attend meetings.

Hugs and blessings, Kathy
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Old 12-30-2004, 02:41 PM
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Why is it that whenever we suffer a breakup, all we focus on are the few good times? We seem to completely forget the troubled times or the serious problems which lead to the split. Tori, get down on your knees and thank your lucky stars!!!! You have NO idea the size of the bullet you just dodged.

He made you feel good about yourself during this 7-month relationship. But trust me... trust everyone here... over the next 7 months (if this relationship had continued), his disease would make you feel much worse than you do right now. The pain you are feeling now is NOTHING compared to the pain you would be feeling later on.

I know you don't see this right now, but you have much to be thankful for. Forget about having a date on New Year's. You have so much more -- you have yourself, and you're important. 2005 will be a new beginning for you. Embrace it!

P.S. I, too, believe he will be back. Be smart. Don't take him. You'll regret it for many more New Years to come -- maybe even the rest of your life.
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Old 12-31-2004, 11:33 AM
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:-( I know you're all talking sense. I keep reading....
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Old 12-31-2004, 02:25 PM
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tori,

Listen to all these people. They have been there, done that. I just separated from my ah of 17 years. I loved him too, but I should have listened to my inner voice noticing how much he drank and how he acted when drunk. But, I married anyway, and have watched and been in pain as the years rolled by and he got worse. Walking on glass, worrying, verbal abuse, watching him act like an idiot, embarassing my daughter when her friends were over, always looking around the bend and hoping, hoping, hoping that he would stop, listening to the lies, losing respect,and the list goes on....

We've all had past loves and you will get over this one too. Do not panic! There will be another love out there someday. Pick yourself up girl. Have confidence in yourself. You don't need a partner to make you whole, you only need yourself. Concentrate on YOU! Let go and detach from him. Go to Alanon. It's not for the alcoholic, but for people who are involved with an alcoholic. You will see things more clearly.

Listen to that intuition. It usually is always right.

Good luck. Life will continue without him.

Sam
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