Hello, I'm new
onlyGODcanjudge!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: North Carolina, USA
Posts: 2
Hello, I'm new
:nose :nose :nose Hello all, I'm new to this site and needed a place to go and talk to others about my problems. Here is my situation in brief. I am married just one year to a man who has been in recovery for ten years and has managed to stay clean for the whole ten years (and i'm very proud of him for that) but up until two weeks ago he had not been to a meeting or church in a year and a half. While he says he has not picked up a drink in all that time (and I believe him) he certainly has changed. He's mad all the time, gets angry at me for things that I might see as little things, blames for things that go wrong, and i just recently found out that he has been using the internet to gain access to singles websites and look and naked womens pictures. Two weeks ago he looked me in the eyes and lied to me about purchasing a cell phone with our money that i knew nothing about and used it to talk to a women in New Orleans on. ( A women who he has been talking to on the phone and lied about for the past three weeks) Anyway, he cried and apologized over and over again and just kept his head hung low. I wanted to leave him because I was tired of him telling me everything was my fault but I didnt. I forgave him and stayed. Just last night I told him that he hurts me when he says mean things to me like shut up, or you fool: i told him i'm not going to take it anymore and he's says i'm sorry - i can try not to do it anymore. He started going to meetings again since this happened but I'm so confused (or so stupid). I cried out for us to go to marrage counseling two times. the first time we went to one sessions and he said he didnt like the counselor so i told him to pick anyone he'd like to go to and he never did. I'm still waiting. I love hime a lot but feel so confused. My mother keeps telling me love is not enough.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Ma
Posts: 145
Hi,
Well despite a lot of information some is missing. You have been married a year, but how long have you been together? Are you the same ages etc. I am a M so I will offer you a my thoughts but thought you need to know if it is from a m or f. As husband of an A I can say it is not easy. My wife whom I love very much has been sober for 13 months, and works the program and goes to 3-4 meetings a week.
The most important thing is that even when she was drinking, I could trust her. Simply stated, she did not lie then or now.
You may ahe several things going on. He could be drinking, although I think you would notice that without much trouble. The internet and phone thing is another problem. Now ladies, please do not kill me when I say that most men have looked at pictures on the internet that they should not. Part of it is just to look, part is to see what s actually out there. ( as in what is available on the "wold wide web") There is alot out there. Some people can become obessesd or compulsie over this as well as sex addictions. Now having said that, most will perhaps look for a while, get bored and move on. They will not buy a cell phone, they will not talk to someone, etc. That brings it to a whole other level. I think at that point it is cheating.
Thats why I said you have a couple of issues. No one deserves to be put down, called names etc. Sometimes in the heat of an argument things can be said. That is the exception and not the rule. Even in those cases, it is wrong. Your mom is right "love is not always enough". But it may be in your case or it may not. I would think that you need to establish some guidelines, or rules if you will and stick by them. (ie no phone for one) If he does not follow them then perhaps it is time to move on.
If on the other hand, you want to move on now, that is your right. Every person deserves to be in a relationship of love and respect.....aj
Well despite a lot of information some is missing. You have been married a year, but how long have you been together? Are you the same ages etc. I am a M so I will offer you a my thoughts but thought you need to know if it is from a m or f. As husband of an A I can say it is not easy. My wife whom I love very much has been sober for 13 months, and works the program and goes to 3-4 meetings a week.
The most important thing is that even when she was drinking, I could trust her. Simply stated, she did not lie then or now.
You may ahe several things going on. He could be drinking, although I think you would notice that without much trouble. The internet and phone thing is another problem. Now ladies, please do not kill me when I say that most men have looked at pictures on the internet that they should not. Part of it is just to look, part is to see what s actually out there. ( as in what is available on the "wold wide web") There is alot out there. Some people can become obessesd or compulsie over this as well as sex addictions. Now having said that, most will perhaps look for a while, get bored and move on. They will not buy a cell phone, they will not talk to someone, etc. That brings it to a whole other level. I think at that point it is cheating.
Thats why I said you have a couple of issues. No one deserves to be put down, called names etc. Sometimes in the heat of an argument things can be said. That is the exception and not the rule. Even in those cases, it is wrong. Your mom is right "love is not always enough". But it may be in your case or it may not. I would think that you need to establish some guidelines, or rules if you will and stick by them. (ie no phone for one) If he does not follow them then perhaps it is time to move on.
If on the other hand, you want to move on now, that is your right. Every person deserves to be in a relationship of love and respect.....aj
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
OGCJ,
Welcome to SR. I hope you will find what you need here and share your thoughts, feelings, successes and challenges because we all benefit from hearing that we are not alone.
My H has been in recovery for 6 years. I know from what he tells me that addicts can replace one addiction for another. My H is a research addict - when he thinks about buying something he will research and read and research and read, until there is nothing left to know about the topic. Other addicts replace drinking with gambling, others with religion, some others with porn. The -ics and the -isms will exist for all of us, for some we are chemically challenged, for others we are emotionally challenged but working a program is what keeps us sane.
I started attending Al-Anon about the same time I started dating my now H. He was actively attending AA meetings every week. He is now going less frequently and we talk about the need to get back to both of us going to meetings everyweek to keep the "recovery" tools sharp. For me it is codependence. For him is is alcohol and drugs. In either case we are both in need of better coping skills which we gain knowledge about through sharing with others, listening to what they have to offer and being connected.
For me Love without respect, patience, acceptance, support, compassion, kindness, willingness is incomplete and I deserve more than just Love.
Wishing you some peace today,
Petunia
Welcome to SR. I hope you will find what you need here and share your thoughts, feelings, successes and challenges because we all benefit from hearing that we are not alone.
My H has been in recovery for 6 years. I know from what he tells me that addicts can replace one addiction for another. My H is a research addict - when he thinks about buying something he will research and read and research and read, until there is nothing left to know about the topic. Other addicts replace drinking with gambling, others with religion, some others with porn. The -ics and the -isms will exist for all of us, for some we are chemically challenged, for others we are emotionally challenged but working a program is what keeps us sane.
I started attending Al-Anon about the same time I started dating my now H. He was actively attending AA meetings every week. He is now going less frequently and we talk about the need to get back to both of us going to meetings everyweek to keep the "recovery" tools sharp. For me it is codependence. For him is is alcohol and drugs. In either case we are both in need of better coping skills which we gain knowledge about through sharing with others, listening to what they have to offer and being connected.
For me Love without respect, patience, acceptance, support, compassion, kindness, willingness is incomplete and I deserve more than just Love.
Wishing you some peace today,
Petunia
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