hope816

Hello everyone(new here)
Growing up abused..in ALL ways..and never having a family(on my own at age 17-100%); I was r---d by a family member @ age 15-had the baby(b/c alcoholic/drug addict/severe abusive mother) wouldn't allow me(& I was VERY unable to TALK/shy/needed help/ to give the poor baby a chance by giving him up for adoption. I had never been taught A THING--anyway, this woman left-(she had her own demons--from a horrific childhood/etc) so, gradually I "came out of the sick shell of shyness". * I never turned to drugs--just simply wanted someone to just like me--(love me) I went into nursing(big surprise huh)--and worked,worked,gave,gave,gave,etc. I didn't know how to be a mother/parent--stupididly left my son w/various sick/alcoholic/dysfunctional/jailskipping bum/"family" members who simply allowed him to be filthy/exposed/etc. I accept FULL responsibility for ALL this.
(When the poor child was infant & toddler,etc..I walked to minimum wage jobs---saving & stretching the life out of my money for him--BUT not knowing the damage--I left him with like g-mother--whom at the time I thought at least would "help" me/teach him,etc.. ) Anyway, until I "woke up" at age 20--- attended nursing school... (never went out--never had a friend my entire childhood) (all I ever wanted was a HOME) .. I worked as a nurse--but by then.. my son had been exposed (my fault) by these people... I eventually married a sick abusive man(didn't drink--I thought was "safe"), must have been on drugs...........nearly killed me--but more important--was VERY hurtful to my poor son--who had ZERO self esteem. He never was physically abusive to him(just me) but, via neglect/humiliation/ never getting gifts-he had a son,same age... this was VERY harmful. When I stood up for my son--I was beat,r---d,etc... therefore my poor baby was further damaged. As these yrs are going by..... (I had 2 more sons via husb.) I am in therapy to deal with childhood,my poor son,etc--and my eyes are opened shockingly. My son simply at the time I left abusive husb. with the 2 other sons---into shelter/help/etc.. my son is 16-----> had been around the sick family of mine-- who ALL drank/in & out of jail/NONE worked(all this has never changed)-- was "with them"...primarily my terribly alcoholic,sociopathic brother----- I was in terrible shape--trying to save my life/& my 2 new sons... couldn't get my 16yo son to "come with me".... (I had been a horrible mother--yes by default..sigh...) My sick brother "took him" under his influence.. years are going by..... through the yrs I tried to beg my son... bribe him--EVERYTHING to come to me--get help, etc......... he never did. Jump to today.
I have been a nurse now 25yrs. My other sons are now 17 & 20. We have always attended Church... gotten help... & most important--these 2 boys have NEVER been around ANY of "those" people. (they all live 35mi N of me-sm town) And "those" people have NEVER reached out to me either. (note: I tried all these yrs-- visiting, buying TV's, inviting to Church, cars, crying,begging, etc........nothing ever helped--they simply seem to HATE me.. and I never knew why) ..anyway, 8yr ago..my sick alcoholic brother came to me penniless, had married a homeless girl from Fla.. both were on ALL types drugs---(at the time, naively) I didn't suspect the drugs. And my son w/them... I allowed the 3 to stay at my home(note: I have never dated, gone out with friends--NOTHING--simply wanted to "redeem" myself with God..and give my life to my kids) Within 2 weeks--1 of them--(all 3?) had stolen much from me---------(brother & wife now were expecting a poor child)------------my home was TRASHED--but most important to me--was the sick influence on my then younger sons--whom I was afraid of going down the trash road(all my fault of course) So, I had to kick these people out--though begging/crying for my then 20yo son to stay & "get help" (never even finished school)---he simply defending them---"they didn't steal--you just think you're better,etc"....... and left to live on the street with them. My mother(whom had been married 7?? times.......called freq. cursing,etc.. me.. I couldn't allow myself & these 2 boys to "go down" with the rest of them--so I decided to tell ALL of them--I NEVER wanted to see them again----------unless they chose to admit they had stolen from me/trashed my home/get help---I was going to get them a home)......... I never heard from ANYONE AGAIN.--until 2yrs ago---my then 29yo son contacts me--- to tell me my brother was dying (cancer-he was 47)--I re-enter their lives--they are all (with my poor mother) living in PURE filth--in a trailer--subzisting on my mother's $$$$. My brother & this drug addict had now 2 girls---4 & 5--who I was shocked hadn't been removed.
Sorry, I was getting off on another issue I am trying to "fix".
Now, brother passed away 1 1/2 yr ago--my son left with the drug addict wife--& the poor kids--(OMG) to Her home state(Fl) (he is now a drug addict(?) drinks------------------if you give him just $1--------he can't resist running (no car/no license/b/c of DUI's) to purchase beer.
He called me ON THANKSGIVING-------just out of jail(very,very bad temper--much,much worse while drinking) from ?? domestic violence with the poor brother's widow/kids. All these yrs, I managed to do the right thing--> TOUGH LOVE/ETC. but this one time (1 mo ago) I bought a bus ticket(huge mistake)--allowed him to come here------------ONLY if he 1. showers DAILY, smokes outside, looks for work.............NO DRINKING. He has NO money. He has never been known to steal----------HOWEVER he will defend those who do---and to me is JUST AS BAD.
So, I know my other 2 sons can't at this late date--be unduly influenced-- except in that if they "screw up-mom will rescue them"....which I don't want them to think that-----but at the same time is it good to let them see, that once again..poor,homeless bum brother---can't even get help from mom.. I don't know.
So here it is Christmas...........my son ONLY shower's when I "bitch" at him--and he sullenly goes--while calling me a B---h,etc.. under his breath. He has probably gone MONTHS without showering----then showers--all these yrs.. so that now even when he does(at my insistance)--he has a terrible ODOR--within 2 hrs. I can't take it. His teeth are ROTTEN. (He admitted to me he has been on CRACK/METH, anything he can get the past yrs)--------so, here we are--------------I told him he could stay here A SHORT TIME ONLY--but under MY rules--yet, he can't & won't change his grooming habits. I have issues of watching my filthy "family" while growing up--------that I always knew I never wanted any part of--And am way beyond that type atmosphere--->>> his whole demeanor is the same as my sick,alcoholic,sociopathic brother---------whom he probably thought of as a God---- he mimics everything my brother ever said,did,etc. All the stupid nick-names my brother called himself----all the stupid sick things he would say(ex: "I'm gonna go see a man about a dog".. (while on way to buy drugs/alcohol,etc).. I dislike his entire demeanor he adopted from my brother.
My son (now 31) has certain chores he has to do---------just to stay here-- he does them--------usually I have to BITCH--then he sullenly throws stuff--cursing under breath, & I'm sure hating me; and STINKS. I don't want to have to bitch at him every day----- to PLEASE SHOWER OR LEAVE. I hold my breath when I walk past him...........or my furniture he has been---- even after his shower---------b/c he doesn't understand hygiene. OMG--does anyone understand???
All these yrs, Christmas I & my other sons have done volunteer work various shelters,nursing homes, homeless centers--b/c it was simply us three. They are in school/college/ more advantages than my other poor son had----therefore Christmas--I couldn't give my 31yo son--what I wanted to--b/c he simply leaves his belongings in jail, or whereever--b/c I know I can't take it & will have to soon make him leave--so I can't stand cigs--(watched my entire sick family smoke/etc/die)--have to smell it on him------- so didn't buy him THAT. I simply threw his clothing away(big yelling argument from him) they were so smelly---------I bought him nice clothing---coat,shoes..had to dispose of the nasty stuff, b/c he wouldn't put the new on. BTW--I gave him all the new things just after he arrived(went out & bought them)--& waited 2 weeks--b/c he kept wearing the nasty,stinky stuff)
I have never bought my sons "lots" of gifts---just things like clothing anyway---but always purchased savings bonds,etc...I haven't been able to give that to this son----------he would simply lose it/sell it/give away for a beer,etc///
My question--------fear---sorrow--he now, since his "hero's" death--has NO-WHERE to go. He always "hung around" my sick brother--------in & out of wherever..........do I literally throw him in my car--------with my other sons help-------and sit him downtown like all the other homeless alcoholics???
This poor man is my fault...omg.......I've spent all these yrs--crying--every night/praying// gave up my "life" to at least give my other 2 sons a home/chance. I have to walk around on eggshells...... crying.......he seems to try........but, I know he feels like the proverbial step child-my other sons have (in his eyes) everything he never did. they are groomed, dressy, work, school........date---attend Church,etc.......
When he works(in the past) he spend his ENTIRE check on drugs for himself & his uncle(my brother)----all these yrs......
Any suggestions,
I'm sorry I wrote such a long book............

JT

Hope,

One thing you cannot do is live in the guilt from the past. You thought you were doing what was best...that is clear. And considering your background I am not the least surprised that your idea of what is normal and nurturing would be a little skewed. How can you give what you never received?

It is possible to be supportive of your son without supporting him. Dumping him on the street sounds a little harsh, but giving him some notice to find other housing and maybe even some phone numbers of shelters does not.

Hugs,
JT

wraybear

Hope, i am so sorry to hear this story. But, there is hope and blessings in the story too. Sounds like the two "younger" ones are doing well. Sounds like you need to forgive yourself for the past, if God can forgive you, certainly you should be able to forgive yourself! God doesn't want us to suffer like this.

Maybe you can set some boundaries with him. If he is going to live with you, he must get a job, go to church, do his chores, go to AA/NA meetings. You could even "write" a contract including what the consequences are of each time he breaks the contract and each of you sign it. I did this with my 14 year old, and I let her have some input on what the consequences would be. He may be too old for this, I don't know.

Is there someone at church that can help him with his drug addiction?

I am very sorry you are having to deal with this. But, only you can decide how long you are willing to live like this. I will pray for you and all three of your sons.

gelfling

Hi Hope,

I totally agree with JT>..you've got to let go of the past and stop punishing yourself for what happened to you and to your son. You need to get on with your life and you can do that with the help of alanon, your higher power and a sponsor. Your son needs to get with a program or get goin'. You can't continually beat yourself up.

Please get help.