gregphoenix

I'd like to get more insight on " not enabling", regarding me & my brother. He's been on cycles of disastrous drinking & sobriety for years. I've been "involved" (codependent) for over a decade. But lately I've started to see & try to change

Last year, I "got it" - almost homeless, he got sober. In the past, I tried to stop enabling while he was drinking. But when he quit, I felt I was "supposed" to help in every way - he was "doing his part". Last time, I was more "hands off". I resisted the urge to loan him money, etc, thinking "listen, encourage - but let him do this". He did. I helped with rides here & there, listened, but tried not to "fix things". He got a counselor & into the program. Still miserable, sober, but materially things were better.

A month ago, he started drinking again - lots of destruction since. But my "problem" isn't that I want to step in, but want to walk the other way. It has just been too many times around, and I'm working on my "stuff".

So. I know there are no absolute answers, But I need some other perspectives:

1) Now, it's not about "not enabling" - rather, I don't want to be around at all. Just hearing his "alter ego" brings up too many bad memories of enabling him & allowing myself to be mistreated. It's clear that he's still looking for "things" (support) from me. My message is "I'd be happy to talk, but I can't talk to the person I'm hearing. Get back in touch with your counselor & the program, and we can talk". But it get's weird - for example, he denies that he's drinking at all now. I know he was a few weeks ago, he still sounds like his "evil twin", and the chaos keeps piling up. He called Tues 8am from the hospital, to say he'd crashed his car the night before. I said that I couldn't really believe, based on all this, that he's not drinking - but that even if he wasn't, he needs to get some help. But when I hung up, I thought "I didn't even ask if he was okay, and called him a liar - I guess I'd be pissed too." With our history, I just feel like I need to stay away entirely & let him work this out. But is it wrong to "abandon" him? I don't know that I can be in-between. It's a slippery slope...

2) If he gets sober, I want to be in touch, supportive, etc. But I don't think I can "help", this time, at all. I feel like I just did this, 6 months ago. I was there, social services was there, his counselors & friends were there. I'm not wishing him ill - I just don't want to do this again. Nor am I sure that I should help "clean up after the party". But this will be hard too - I'll feel guilty when the time comes. I know that we all need some "support", alcoholic or not. And I don't want to punish him. I just want to take care of myself first, and do what's smart, considering our history & dynamics.

Thanks, in general, for all your opening up to provide such helpful and encouraging words.

Greg

Gabe

Now I'm giggling, imagining the "Codie Police" arriving on the scene.
Codie Cop: Ma'am, please put your hands in the air and back away from the addict.
Codie: But I'm just trying to help.
Codie Cop: You can't help him ma'am. He can only help himself.
Codie: You mean you expect me to just surrender all my control over him?
Codie Cop: That's correct ma'am. If you step into my vehicle, I will take you to an Alanon meeting.
Codie: Thank you.
Codie Cop: No problem ma'am. Watch your head.

Peace,
Gabe

Ann

Gabe

You made me laugh so hard I scared my cat!!! . I knew they would come to take me away someday!!!!

And Greg - Welcome to our forums. There is a lot of great information on the "Sticky" posts at the top of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon boards, and maybe that will help you a little with not enabling. I see you started a new thread, and I will offer a few suggestions there for you.

Gabe

Aw, poor kitty. I'm glad you got a laugh. I'm sure if the Codie Police ever come to take me away, I will end up wherever they take you. Hope they have lots of pie and coffee. (Psst...bring your tiara.)

Greg,
Welcome. It sounds like you have a really good grip on what is going on regarding the dynamics between you and your brother.
I think part of "detaching with love" is supporting someone from a distance. No one ever learns to walk on their own if they have a human crutch around all the time. Wish him well, pray for him, give him emotional support. But draw your lines at playing 'clean up crew" and "damage control".
Taking care of yourself is the most excellent idea of all. You just keep right on doing that.
This is a great forum for support and inspiration. Hang around.
Peace,
Gabe