Ah..How do we talk again?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Ma
Posts: 145
Ah..How do we talk again?
Folks,
I am wondering if you can help with a problem. My wife is 13 months sober out of 18 years together. It has been a good 13 months . I however seem to be going nuts. Well not really. I am stuck on the fact that she has never said sorry, or thanks for sticking by me or in anyway admitting that her behavior, as well as my enabling had a strong impact on our kids and the way we raised them.
I am not blaming her for any problems but to me it seems a simple step. (8 and 9 to be exact) Has anyone gone through this? How about being jealous of AA mettings? Lord I know this is petty, I love her with all my heart but who would have thought recovery, of all things would drive me nuts. Love to hear from anyone out there. She also is a bit distant lately. THat could be me also any suggestions would be great or advice .im 44 she is 43
I am wondering if you can help with a problem. My wife is 13 months sober out of 18 years together. It has been a good 13 months . I however seem to be going nuts. Well not really. I am stuck on the fact that she has never said sorry, or thanks for sticking by me or in anyway admitting that her behavior, as well as my enabling had a strong impact on our kids and the way we raised them.
I am not blaming her for any problems but to me it seems a simple step. (8 and 9 to be exact) Has anyone gone through this? How about being jealous of AA mettings? Lord I know this is petty, I love her with all my heart but who would have thought recovery, of all things would drive me nuts. Love to hear from anyone out there. She also is a bit distant lately. THat could be me also any suggestions would be great or advice .im 44 she is 43
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
I'm gonna do a lot of guessing here since I obviously don't know your situation personally.
Maybe she's not ready to make amends yet.
Making amends means being fully aware of the damage done.
That is a lot to embrace for some people.
Or maybe she's afraid she won't get forgiveness.
Many alcoholics get sober and honest and do make amends, only to find people unwilling to forgive them.
As for being jealous of AA meetings, I've heard that before and it's understandable. Recovery takes up as much time as their drinking used to.
The results are a lot better though.
Maybe she's not ready to make amends yet.
Making amends means being fully aware of the damage done.
That is a lot to embrace for some people.
Or maybe she's afraid she won't get forgiveness.
Many alcoholics get sober and honest and do make amends, only to find people unwilling to forgive them.
As for being jealous of AA meetings, I've heard that before and it's understandable. Recovery takes up as much time as their drinking used to.
The results are a lot better though.
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
I suffer from the "why can't you see what an (expletive) you've been" myself. More than I want to admit now that I'm forced to think about it. Sometimes I want the other person to get to the point I think I'm at in my recovery so we both can be happy....whoa I definitely need to let go of the root.
Your post reminds me that I can't expect others to act healthy until they really are. I want my S to apologize for all the chaos she has caused but she's not at a point where she is able to do that. We all want our loved ones back to the loving folks we know and I know I get frustrated when they act (either when using or not) like their "old" sick/alcoholic selves. The last thing I want to start thinking about or dealing with is the sick version.
For me the serenity prayer can help ease some of the thougths and I will chant it over and over, sometimes for hours if need be, to keep myself from going back to my dark, controlling, co-dependent place. It's a very familiar neighborhood to me but I'm spending less time there and the scenery is changing.
Peace,
Petunia
Your post reminds me that I can't expect others to act healthy until they really are. I want my S to apologize for all the chaos she has caused but she's not at a point where she is able to do that. We all want our loved ones back to the loving folks we know and I know I get frustrated when they act (either when using or not) like their "old" sick/alcoholic selves. The last thing I want to start thinking about or dealing with is the sick version.
For me the serenity prayer can help ease some of the thougths and I will chant it over and over, sometimes for hours if need be, to keep myself from going back to my dark, controlling, co-dependent place. It's a very familiar neighborhood to me but I'm spending less time there and the scenery is changing.
Peace,
Petunia
Last edited by Petunia; 12-23-2004 at 01:00 PM.
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
ahcb,
There are many ways to make amends. When I started recovery from my addition to the addict I began to change how I behaved. That was all I could do for quite a while. After a few years I felt safe and sane enough to say it outloud. I was mortified by some of the things I had done and I had to forgive myself. I was also distant, in fact I all but checked out. There is so much upheavel in learning a new way to live.
My dad (AA 30 years) never made formal amends to me but he picked up my son every weekend and took him roller skating. I think that may have been his way.
If your wife is anything like me at all, she will say those words you want to hear when she is ready. In the meantime, fill your time while she is at meetings and allow yourself to appreciate the gifts you have already recieved.
Hugs,
JT
There are many ways to make amends. When I started recovery from my addition to the addict I began to change how I behaved. That was all I could do for quite a while. After a few years I felt safe and sane enough to say it outloud. I was mortified by some of the things I had done and I had to forgive myself. I was also distant, in fact I all but checked out. There is so much upheavel in learning a new way to live.
My dad (AA 30 years) never made formal amends to me but he picked up my son every weekend and took him roller skating. I think that may have been his way.
If your wife is anything like me at all, she will say those words you want to hear when she is ready. In the meantime, fill your time while she is at meetings and allow yourself to appreciate the gifts you have already recieved.
Hugs,
JT
Radar
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 199
ahcb... thanks for posting this. Now I know I'm not crazy for thinking the same things. My AH has only been sober for 3 months but I thought recovery would be easier. We're both going to counseling but I just can't warm up to him. I guess forgiveness hasn't happened yet. Sigh....
Have a Merry Christmas...
Have a Merry Christmas...
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
I know in my family it was hard for any of us to admit we had made mistakes. I might admit it to myself, but would never tell my kids or my AH. I don't really know why. Maybe I was afraid they would "blame" me. I have found that when I ask forgiveness for some of my rollercoaster behavior, it makes me feel better. I also know that it sets a good example for the kiddos. My 18 year old had a pretty rough time from age 13-17 and last Christmas she sat down beside me, hugged me real tight, looked me right in the eye, and said, "Momma, I am sorry for all the bad choices I made." WOW! In my book, that was a breakthrough, and now, we are pretty immediate in our "sorry's". Well, I am with my kiddos. Not so much with my A. But, hopefully that will come eventually too. My 8 year old got upset the other day because I picked her up early from daycare, as it was just about her turn to play nintendo. She was rip roaring mad. By the time we got home, she said "mommy, i am sorry i got so mad and upset!" That may be a "normal" thing in a "normal" household. But, I thought it was the most precious thing in the world. And I am trying to help them understand we all make mistakes, we apologize, we learn from it and we move on.
Regarding the jealous issue, yes, I went through a long period of that. My AH, went to 5 meetings a week, and would stay before and after, so it was totaling anywhere from 15-20 hours a week. So, i spoke with him, asked him not to take on any more meetings, and if I had something to do, I would ask him if he could come home right afterwards. And, he would ask me if it was alright if he went to an additional meeting. I guess, my point is, it is about communication, which for me is an ongoing learnign process. As a codie, I tended to avoid anything that I thought may cause any kind of a conflict. What will he say, how will he react, will he think i am jealous, why can't he see that i am suffering, i need help around here, and on and on and on.
But that is extreme codie behavior. Plus, men and women see things differently. All I can say is honest communication is key and using "I" statements... I feel ______. Instead of "you are spending too much time _______ " People, addicts or not, tend to get on the defensive when we start out "YOU ______ ". That has not been easy for me, but when I do stop, think, speak appropriately, it does help tremendously.
I hope you can find some peace with this situation soon.
Love and peace to you and your family!
Regarding the jealous issue, yes, I went through a long period of that. My AH, went to 5 meetings a week, and would stay before and after, so it was totaling anywhere from 15-20 hours a week. So, i spoke with him, asked him not to take on any more meetings, and if I had something to do, I would ask him if he could come home right afterwards. And, he would ask me if it was alright if he went to an additional meeting. I guess, my point is, it is about communication, which for me is an ongoing learnign process. As a codie, I tended to avoid anything that I thought may cause any kind of a conflict. What will he say, how will he react, will he think i am jealous, why can't he see that i am suffering, i need help around here, and on and on and on.
But that is extreme codie behavior. Plus, men and women see things differently. All I can say is honest communication is key and using "I" statements... I feel ______. Instead of "you are spending too much time _______ " People, addicts or not, tend to get on the defensive when we start out "YOU ______ ". That has not been easy for me, but when I do stop, think, speak appropriately, it does help tremendously.
I hope you can find some peace with this situation soon.
Love and peace to you and your family!
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
I am an addict, and have been through the steps a few times. I am not sure I have ever actually said 'I am sorry to the people in my life that I hurt the most'. To me those are just 2 words that cannot fix the wreckage I caused. I use them today to take immediate responsiblity for my actions, but for the past. The best way I was taught to make amends to my family which I hurt the most, was through living my life the best possible way that I could. by being there for them today, living my life honestly and respectfully.
And 13 months is awesome, she will continue to grow and learn more about herself.
If you need to hear those words for you, and I do understand that...ask for them.
And 13 months is awesome, she will continue to grow and learn more about herself.
If you need to hear those words for you, and I do understand that...ask for them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Ma
Posts: 145
hi folks,
Thanks for your replys.It is funny how words from peopleyou do not know can mean so much. This evening made all the frustration a bit easier to take. We went to brothers house for Xmas and the entire family was there. There was alot of drinking (her rule is our house no-your house-well its your house) she and I did the soda routine and you know what? We had a heck of a good time.We laughed, talked and and had a great xmas celebration..the best part? it is now 140am sunday morning, i am up reading and there will be no hang over for her or I.. Cant say that about the rest of them...
Merry xmas......aj
Thanks for your replys.It is funny how words from peopleyou do not know can mean so much. This evening made all the frustration a bit easier to take. We went to brothers house for Xmas and the entire family was there. There was alot of drinking (her rule is our house no-your house-well its your house) she and I did the soda routine and you know what? We had a heck of a good time.We laughed, talked and and had a great xmas celebration..the best part? it is now 140am sunday morning, i am up reading and there will be no hang over for her or I.. Cant say that about the rest of them...
Merry xmas......aj
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