Lykkeborg

Hi all. So I met this amazing guy, and the chemistry was amazing. He’s a recovering alcoholic for 10 months. A month ago we got into a relationship, but a week ago he told me he’s not ready for a relationship. It really broke my heart, because we both love each other so much. He told me he really loves me, he feels so good when we are together and everything feels amazing. We talked about it, and I suggested to him, that what if we took a step back, and just exclusively dated instead. He thought this idea was amazing, so we agreed to do this, and then not have the titles as boyfriend/girlfriend, but still would not see other people, text others and so on. Since then I asked him some questions because I told him it was important to set up boundaries to respect his and my space. He still wants to text good morning and goodnight. He still wants to call me at night asking about my day. He still wants to go on dates, hold my hand, show his love, call me his princess, sleep over and such.. So for me it’s the same as before (relationship), we just text and talk less.. But why did he agree to this? Did the title just scare him?

Now it’s been a week of this new situation, and I have started overthinking so much, and I didn’t do that before.. I’m afraid if I’m texting too much, I’m pushing him away.. And I’m afraid suddenly he’s going to come and say “I can’t do this either” because he took the decision of not being ready for a relationship super super suddenly.. If I give him too much space, will he think I don’t love him? Or is it better to give him much space? What is the best I can do here? I miss him so so much, and I think about him all the time, and I just want things to be like before.. Text him a lot like before.. He keeps saying he’s afraid of hurting me, but without him saying it, I think he’s afraid that because our connection is so strong and deep in a very short period of time, he’s afraid he will get hurt and fall into alcoholism again? Since we haven’t been together that long, maybe he just needs more time with this kind of “dating friendship” thing, to know I won’t go anywhere, and then he’s more open to a relationship in the future? But what if he comes soon and says he can’t? He said tonight that this situation for him is working very well, so I guess I have to trust that.. But what if he’s never ready for a relationship? He says he loves me, he becomes a better man with me, he’s learning to deal with his emotions better because of me, but maybe he’s better off at without me? I don’t know 😭 Please help. Also, I’m super super super emotional, so please try and be as less direct in the comments as possible I love this man, and I just want to do what’s right for him to feel relaxed and not pressured (I don’t know if he feels that)

trailmix

Hi Lykkeborg. Well, This is something that comes up, in many stories, if you read around you will see that. Being an active alcoholic means shutting down feelings and emotions many times.

Then, when the person gets sober and in to recovery, they need to learn those things. Imagine if for - say 15 years - every time you were happy to drank. If things got on top of you, relationships, work, housework! you got drunk - you get the idea. You don't learn coping skills, you don't learn what to "do" with emotion.

That's why they talk about sobriety as learning (among other things), how to live life on life's terms.

Truthfully, it doesn't sound like he knows what he wants. You are in a relationship - just with no "title". The only person that knows what that means to him is him.

So was the agreement to give each other more space? Contact each other less. You didn't mention how often you were seeing each other vs now.

It has only been a month and so much so fast might be too much for many people.

velma929

A month seems kind of fast to me - and I'm in my sixties, I don't have a lot of time left, relatively speaking.

But I can vaguely remember what that all felt like, new love and all.

My current relationship remained 'untitled' for months. This was partly because of the awkwardness of calling someone in his/her sixties 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend.' But we weren't seeing anyone else after the first few weeks. When Current Beau left my house, or I left his, he asked when we would see one another again. Texting daily? I don't remember, but we're from another time so the texting thing wasn't our thing. Maybe we messaged one another every couple days? We probably saw one another twice a week.

I have to say, though, that I had zero doubts about him or where our relationship was going. Maybe part of that is the equanimity that comes with age.

advbike

Sounds like your relationship did move pretty fast, so a step back might have been a good move. That said, guys also will be guys. He may have realized he didn't want to be so committed, and still wants his freedom too.. so it may or may not be as 'exclusive" as you think it is. Not uncommon for guys to do this (I am a guy) and it has little to do with working on their alcoholism.

zoobadger

Sobriety requires moderation. The emotional intensity of a new relationship can be scary. Maybe a past relationship inflamed his drinking, and he's afraid it could be triggering? Or maybe his relationship with you isn't affecting his sobriety at all?

Talk to him about it.

Learn more about what led him to choose sobriety, and ask him to share more details about his journey with you. If you're going to be in a relationship with him, you'll want to understand all those things. You want to be somebody who makes him feel accountable, be something really special that he could lose if he relapses. Everybody's addiction is a unique story. See if he's willing to tell you his story.

RunningScared

"A week ago he told me he’s not ready for a relationship." He's being honest here. The chances of that changing are slim.

edoering

I notice you ask a lot about what you can do to make him feel more comfortable. In my experience, that focus often makes anxiety in a relationship worse. Because we start to worry there’s a “right” way to do a relationship that will ensure everything works out, like a right answer on a test at school, and then we become anxious about getting it “right.”

Truthfully, the beautiful and challenging part of relationships is uncovering if two people can build a life together that suits both people. Someone can be a good person that you have great chemistry with, but they want a different lifestyle or they like different types of relationships than what you like. No one did anything wrong, you just are different kinds of people. Dating is how we figure out if we are compatible in all those ways.

So rather than worrying about are you doing enough for him to feel ready or comfortable, I would ask myself “what kind of relationship do I want?” And then “is he able to have that kind of relationship with me?” That’s up for him to realize if he can or if he wants to meet you where you’re at. It’s up to you to understand what you need in a partnership to feel happy and secure and fulfilled. Because you deserve a relationship that suits you, and it exists out there for you! And if you pretend to be okay with something that makes you feel upset or stressed, it’s not fair to either of you, because it doesn’t give him a chance to see if he can really be your partner or not.

Airbear23

There's a few things going on here that are flashing neon red flag signs for me. 1. You're in love after knowing him a month, if I read that correctly. What do you truly know about this person? What was his life like prior to recovery? What are his goals and plans through and after a full time recovery program? What's his family and support system like? Does he have a new environment to go to after recovery that doesn't put him in the same place with the same people? Love for me is a strong word. But, I'm 46, and been around and through some stuff.
2. Do you have any prior experience with someone who has an addiction? Getting into a relationship with such speed and intensity is actually a hallmark of a narcissist and often addicts. It's called love bombing, and it hooks you hard and fast.
3. A pretty common and strict rule for those serious about recovery is no new romantic attachments for at least a year. So if he's telling you that he needs to slow down, he really does need to slow down. Recovery absolutely must be his life, numero uno, the thing he lives and breaths 24/7, which leaves little to no room to nurture a healthy relationship.
4. I'm taking it from the post that you didn't know him while he was in active addiction. Are you aware that relapse is a very strong possibility, maybe multiple times? Do you have boundaries in place to protect yourself both mentally and physically?
5. Let me say I've heard the I want to be together but apart game. And that's exactly what it was , a game. I'm not saying that this is the same, but again, addicts are master manipulators. You can't forget that, ever. If he's telling you he's not done with recovery, then you need to educate yourself on what any addict does. I hate to say this, because I truly believed it wasn't the case for me and the love of my life, but there usually aren't exceptions to the playbooks. It's not even something they do consciously, but an addicted brain isn't running right, and needs a lot of time and effort to reset.
6. Finally, listen to what he does, not what he says. Always. And read other posts and experiences of others who have years under their belt of living with and loving an addict. It's life changing, and usually not in a good way. After all of the love, experiences both good and bad I've had with the love of my life after 9 years, if I knew now what life would be like, what it would do to me, my kids, my health, and my soul, I would have walked away where you are. And I would still throw myself in front of a bus to save my alcoholic. But I wouldn't go through the rollercoasters, the hoover, the pain, the devaluing, the fights, the leaving and coming back.

For your own well being as well as his, let him put 100% of himself into recovery. If you truly love him, that is the only way he has a chance at a happy and healthy life. And when he can come to you as a whole, healed and healthy man, you will have a shot at a good future. If you really love each other, you'll want what's best for both of you. And if you have to wait, educate yourself on addiction, relapse, support, enabling, codependency, and then you'll be ready to be a wonderful and helpful partner on the journey you take together.

Stop crying, life is too short. 😁