BBblue95

I'm new here. I don't know why I joined, but maybe venting to a void could help.

In June of 2022, I met the perfect guy (on Tinder of all places). He was everything I wanted physically in appearance and emotionally, and we meshed almost immediately. Everything was perfect. He cared about me, and I about him. Our hobbies meshed and we enjoyed sharing them with each other. We both fell hard and fast and were content with that. Every chance we got, we spent time together (mostly on the weekends, mainly one night each weekend). Each weekend was spent relaxing and unwinding from the work week together. We would watch movies and TV shows, talk about anything we could, and of course spend intimate time together as often as possible. I think he only ever drank once while we were in this phase of the relationship, and it was very light. I'm not much of a drinker myself, but I joined once. He was one of the first relationships I had where I was candid about everything and felt secure. He mentioned he had kids early on, and while I was hesitant for a moment, I decided I would continue anyway because this love was everything I ever wanted. He lived alone when I first met him but mentioned that he was getting full custody of his daughter in a few months and she would be moving in with him. We focused on each other for a few months before I was introduced to his daughter. She was shy and hesitant, and both he and I were nervous, but we all had a great night together. He was happy we got along and that she liked me from the start. Again, there was only light drinking, which I joined in on. Both of us were divorced and he expressed that this was the first relationship that made him this happy and that he truly connected with someone in a long time. I felt the same way. I had never had this deep of a connection before. Honestly, I don't think he had ever either. He didn't even want to admit to his daughter that he was dating again at first. He was scared of how she would react and with everything she had been through, he wanted to protect her. He did finally admit it and she was very excited and happy for him.

Fast forward a few months and we started to spend every day together. We would both skip out on work just to see each other. We had drinks together, played games together, and spent quality time together often. The times spent together started to outweigh the times we were by ourselves. That's when I started to see the addiction. It was mild at first, but I think he slowly became more comfortable around me and slowly drank more heavily while I was around. It really wasn't a huge issue to me at first. I understand that everyone needs a chance to unwind and relax and that some choose to use alcohol as that gateway to a moment of peace. He wasn't in any way an angry drunk. He would just listen to music and fall asleep in his computer chair. I'd wake him up and get him to bed and he would hold me tight in his sleep all night. The good completely outweighed my feelings about alcohol. I still remember the first night I stayed with him. He woke me up to coffee and muffins. He sat with me and asked me how I slept. He showed me how much he cared and I did everything I could to reciprocate those feelings in my own way. I have a parent that was an addict (alcohol and drugs) and I never saw him anywhere close to that so I didn't see it being an issue.

Over time, he lost his job and started drinking more heavier each night. I was starting to see that this could get worse, but I still stayed and helped as much as I could. Eventually, I started to decline in my own mental and physical health and decided to focus on him and abandon my job. I stayed with him for weeks. I would be there at the drop of a hat if he needed me. I did everything in my power to show him that I cared and that he wasn't alone. I thought this would pass and we could get back to being okay. We'd get back to work and focus on the positives. I just assumed he needed to go through this low point and then things would be okay.

Eventually, he was served custody papers for his sons from his second relationship. She wanted full custody, no visitation. This completely destroyed him emotionally, and while I thought things couldn't get worse, they in fact did. He was drinking earlier and for longer periods. He started shutting people (including me) out. Then he turned to his doctor for help. They prescribed him antidepressants and Xanax. Everything was fine before the Xanax. It just made things worse for him as he got addicted to it quickly and constantly had to up his dosage. I saw him start to dip into a deep depression and I wanted nothing more than to help. I watched my own mother destroy herself in a similar way and something in me said I couldn't let this happen to someone I loved. So, I once again dropped everything to be there for him. Eventually, I lost my job because of this, but I didn't care. I could find a new job. In my head, he was much more important and I needed to be there to support him. I thought that this would be the end of the constant curveballs that were thrown his way. That all he would have to do is get a lawyer, get back to work, cut back on the drinking, get off these meds, and fight to see his kids. I guess anxiety and depression got the best of him because he seemed to give up. He put off getting a lawyer and tried everything else to get communication with his ex. Eventually, this worked. They worked out an agreement on visitation and holidays. He was able to see his kids again and that helped him feel better for a short time. He didn't go back to work though and the Xanax and drinking binges became more and more frequent.

Fast forward a bit and he started to experience side effects from the abuse of Xanax with alcohol. He started passing out randomly, would sleep in much more often, was constantly groggy, had severe short-term memory issues, and started to experience mood and physical side effects when it came to intimacy. This continued for months. His friends started to notice his decline and stopped playing games with him while he was in those states. I could tell that he started to feel like he was losing everything and this was taking a huge toll on his health. On top of this, he crashed his car twice. Both times he was intoxicated. The first time he blew under the limit by 1 point, but the second time he blew over. He was arrested and spent a few hours in jail. He called me to come get him and was very apologetic about the entire incident. This ended in him getting a DUI charge and a court date. Well, he paid his fines, his car was totaled, he lost his license for about a month, and he started to lose his house. Things just kept piling up.

We had discussed the possibility of moving in together months prior and were both on board when it came to that point, but he was apprehensive because now he had kids involved and had to think about them first. Along with him losing his ability to drive and his job, he was understandably upset and hesitant to be stuck in my house if things started to go bad. Then the day came that he had a week to move out. He was offered a place to stay with his parents. He didn't want to move in with them because he was scared it would end our relationship being that far away (at the time almost 3 hours away). So, I offered him an alternate solution, to stay with me. He discussed it with his daughter and eventually they were both on board. We were all scared but very excited about the future. They moved in and everything seemed to have a positive outlook. He promised me he would get back to work, help around the house, fix anything that needed it, help with the bills, and promised me that this was the beginning of a great life together.

Eventually, the abuse of Xanax reached a peak and he started to cut it off cold turkey. This unfortunately lead to some serious side effects that caused him to have a Grand Mal seizure in front of me and his kids. This scared him so much that he went right back to the Xanax for fear that he needed to slowly wean off and that this most likely happened from the sudden withdrawal. He bounced back and forth between Xanax, Seroquel, and Ambien. The insomnia side effects got so bad that he would get wasted nightly just to sleep. Our intimacy started to decline and he started to show aggravation, a temper and started to become distant.

I felt like I had lost the person I met and the person I fell in love with. No one around me understood. They all just said terrible things about him. I knew him though. I knew this wasn't him. This was the alcohol, the drugs, the stress, and depression. I started crying more often. My own anxiety, major depression, and C-PTSD started to show their ugly faces. The first few times he was there for me. He would hold me tight and be there through the entire crying spell. He would assure me that things would get better and that we would figure it out. I kept getting more and more promises from him, but he kept getting more and more distant at the same time. I was confused. I was upset. I felt alone. I felt like the man I loved was slipping further away every day.

I tried not to be angry, I tried to help as much as I could. I reassured him. I comforted him. I was there as much as I could be. The seizures became more frequent (awake and asleep). I spent most nights unable to sleep because I was so scared that he would seize in his sleep and aspirate (or worse). For weeks after the first seizure, I was terrified to look at him. I couldn't see anything but the panic I saw in his face, the foaming spit coming from his mouth, and his lips turning blue from the lack of oxygen. I felt helpless. But nothing stopped me from caring. Every ambulance call, I was there holding him, doing my best to make sure he didn't hit his head or worse. There were nights I ran into the office after hearing a thud to find him on the floor seizing or passed out. I didn't know what to do for him and nothing I said or did seemed to be helping. I felt like he was ignoring everything just to chase the feelings he was getting. I never stopped loving him, but I was slowly getting tired and just needed a solution or a miracle.

I tried to involve his parents and family in his life and update them on what was happening. His parents were extremely forceful and wanted to commit him immediately. They also wanted him to cold turkey everything. They didn't understand that if he did that, it could kill him. He had been drinking nearly every day for 20-plus years and the recent addition of his prescriptions had sped up his body's deterioration.

Eventually, months later, he quit Xanax, Seroquel, and Ambien with the help of his doctor. Things seemed better. The seizures had stopped and he seemed to be improving. His mood didn't improve and the drinking just got worse. He got to the point that he would drink early and would drown himself in his computer. He stayed in voice chats with his friends from the time he woke up to the time he went to sleep. I finally got so frustrated that I was feeling pushed aside and neglected that I came to him to talk about it. He pushed me away, he shrugged me off, and I snapped. I had a full-blown meltdown. I was crying so hard I was shaking. I couldn't move from my spot. I couldn't regulate my emotions or my volume at that moment and started to scream what I was feeling. Everything he said was out of anger, everything I said was out of fear. I'm sure that I probably scared the hell out of him with how I lost my composure completely. I tried to apologize, but nothing I did after that seemed to be enough. He just made more distance between us and consumed himself in his own world away from me.

Fast forward a bit more. I couldn't hold down a job, everything kept falling through (to no fault of my own). I started researching anything I could to explain what happened. I finally came to the conclusion (with the help of my therapist) that I am very likely autistic and that was the reason for the way I have been handling things and the outburst I had. This all stemmed from a lack of structure in my life causing my anxiety and depression to worsen to the level they did. I still don't have a formal diagnosis yet, but I am looking into it now.

Continuing on, things just got worse and worse. Eventually, his court date came for his child support. A member of his ex's family mentioned his drinking habits and the DUI. The judge revoked custody from him entirely, immediately upon hearing this. The judge ordered him to go to rehab if he wanted any type of custody back. This once again sent him into a spiral. This time though, it ended in him deciding to move in with his parents. He told me he needed to focus on himself and put his kids first. He needed to get his boys back. I told him I understood from day one that his kids come first and I will support him in any way I can. Of course, I was upset that he was leaving, I tried asking if there was any way he could stay and I could take care of his daughter while he stayed in a facility closer by. He said it wouldn't be possible because I couldn't work and take care of her on my own. So, I accepted the fact that they were moving out. I asked if we could continue our relationship and he said he couldn't make any promises right now.

A day later I broke down again. He completely ignored me in every way all day. He didn't reciprocate any physical touch and wouldn't speak to me past what was necessary. He told me he didn't know when he was leaving, but it could be anywhere from that following weekend to the next week sometime. I confronted him and asked him if he was going to spend any time with me before he left or if he was just going to shut me out. He didn't want to talk and he did shut me out. I panicked out of fear and said things that were very harsh about how he was making me feel. I finished it off by telling him to leave now if he didn't care, to never speak to me again, and to get out of my life. I said that at least that would give me an answer because he wasn't giving me anything. I drove to a cemetery nearby and cried for about an hour. I calmed down as much as I could and eventually drove back home. I was expecting him to ignore me and be upset or angry with me when I got back. I wasn't expecting what I came back to.

He was half done packing his things and had them all gathered in the front room, ready to leave. He asked me where I had been in a frustrated tone and I told him. I saw the pile after that and realized he was leaving. I panicked, my heart dropped in my chest, I got cold and started to shake from anxiety. I told him that I guess I have my answer. He never confirmed that was his reason for leaving. He said it had to be done and was going to happen anyway, why not just get it over with? I followed him everywhere just trying to talk to him but he kept telling me to go away and that he needed to get this done because his parents would be here in an hour with a truck. He left to get his daughter after they packed everything up. He came back so she could say goodbye to me. He even held me and kissed me without me initiating it. He said he loved me and told me to reach out later that day, I told him he could reach out any time before I did if he wanted to. I cried for 4 hours straight after they left.

Fast forward to today. It has been less than a week. He broke up with me officially (over text) 2 days ago. Yet, he initiates conversations with me daily. He asks how I am and how things are going. We keep each other vaguely updated. I feel like neither one of us want to make it emotional and we are both trying to work on ourselves and stay busy. He made it clear that he doesn't think that him being in a relationship right now is the best thing for him and that he needs to focus on himself and getting his life back together before that can be a possibility again. He keeps sticking to the line that he can't promise anything. He says he cares and he says he still loves me. He knows this isn't what I want and I can tell he feels bad but I just don't know how to go about this.

In short, I am completely heartbroken. I am also very confused. While I completely understand him focusing on himself right now, I don't understand the continued communication if he doesn't want a relationship right now. I want him to focus on himself, but I want to be there for him even if it's in a small way.

I feel like he is so stressed that he isn't able to focus on his feelings for me right now and is trying to push them aside. I feel like there's a possibility that we could get back together and I would in a heartbeat if that's what he wanted.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has been through a similar situation and had that relationship come back and work in the end. I don't want to be a nuisance to him, but I want to be there. I want him back so badly. I'm trying not to think too much about it, in the high possibility that maybe he was just trying to let me down gently and doesn't know what to do because his life got in the way due to his actions and now he has to fix them.

He has let me know that he's starting a new job, starting his program, and starting therapy next week. I told him I'm really proud of him, and even though this situation is hard, I'll be here when and if he wants me to be. I'm respecting his request to give him space and minimalize communication. But it's very confusing when he's still interested in communicating.

I just, i don't know, am I wrong to think that he wants to keep me as close as he can right now for when he gets better to be able to possibly rekindle things?

I (again) want nothing more than for that to happen. But I'm trying to stay realistic and understand that it might not.

Any advice is appreciated. Please be kind, this is very fresh.

trailmix

Hi BBBlue, glad you found the forum, but sorry for what brings you here, of course.

I would suggest your read around the forum. Although your Mom was and alcoholic (if i'm reading that correctly), there is much to know about alcoholism.

The most important thing to remember - You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.

While there may not be a lot of stories of people who got back together with their SO after such a destructive end to the relationship, there are certainly many that happened with the alcoholic leaving to focus on themselves.

You are declining mentally and physically so you abandon everything and try to help him? Do you see the problem there. You are trying to help him, he's trying to help him - who's looking out for you?

The most recommended book here is Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie, I think you might find it really helpful going forward, especially with setting boundaries.

I'm so sorry you got hurt. Don't underestimate the affect having an alcoholic Mother has had on you. You might want to look up Adult Children of Alcoholics, they also have literature available.

You will be ok, you will get through this. Maybe he will return at some point, maybe not, but he is using this time for himself, maybe now is the time to look out for yourself and focus on yourself.

Hatguysgirl

That's a lot of stuff to all go down in 9 months! I would guess that he probably is keeping in contact as a way to keep you on the hook. But think about all the things that have happened. Do you really want the bad parts to be your life? Because it seems to be the story over and over on here, it just gets worse until the addictions have been being dealt with for a long time.

ToughChoices

Holy S**t, BBblue.
This is a lot for you to deal with. Rest assured, though, you are not venting into a void, but into a field FULL of people who have lived through similar experiences. We get it.

I don't know what he's thinking, but he's probably not thinking about you. He's probably thinking about himself: his pain, flaws, troubles, mistakes, addictions, failures as a parent, financial errors, etc.... That is appropriate. Recovery is a time for honest, painful self-analysis and forging a path forward toward a better life. He will need to do that for himself. You will need to do that for yourself, as well.

Neither of you can do it for the other.

His disease is dependence on (multiple) substances.
Your disease may well be dependence on him. He is not a healthy person (as lovely as I'm sure that his soul is), so your desire for a partnership with him is unhealthy. You are treating yourself terribly by keeping the focus on his actions/struggles/pain. The focus must move to your one, precious life.

Where do you want to live? Where do you want to work? What do you want to do for fun? What goals do you have? Dreams?

You are undoubtedly worthy of BEAUTY, peace, grace, love, and adventure. No man can give you those things. How can you give them to yourself? What can you do to be kind to yourself today?

BBblue95

I thought it may be helpful for everyone to know the following:

Pyshical diagnosis:
Chronic Fatigue
Spinal degeneration in C5-C7 and T9-T12
Tendinitis
Carpal tunnel
Joint and muscular hypermobility
Endometriosis
PCOS
Elers danlos (currently in the suspected stage but no diagnosis yet)

Mental diagnosis:
Anxiety
Major Depression (clinical)
OCD
C-PTSD
ADHD (suspected, no diagnosis yet)
ASD (physiscian tested and confirmed, diagnosis not on record yet)

Family history (breif):
Father: Was a physician. Passed when I was a pre-teen from prescription drug interaction/MS/mother drugging his food and drink with his own medication.
Mother: Alcoholic, used: percocet, oxy, heroin, meth, cocaine. Served time in prison for drug charges: selling, manufacturing, residence used for both purposes. Physically and mentally abusive to her children (including myself).

Myself:
Yes, I'm in therapy. (In and out since my fathers passing, CBT and DBT)
Yes, I have spent time in facilities. (3 times since my father's passing)

I am aware of my flaws.
I have the coping skills and a support network of friends and (intermittent/distant) family.
I work on myself as much as I can.
I do have long term plans for my future.
I am employed.
I am a student.

This whole situation just threw me a curve ball and I am unsure if I handled it to the best of my ability.

I'm giving him space.
I let him initiate anything.
I listen more than speak and I keep things short and limit any emotion dumping on my part to as minimal as possible.

I could write a Tolkien length book on the good we experienced together and a small novel of the bad.

To those who have commented, thank you. I wasn't expecting this to be commented on so quickly.

I still don't understand how to navigate this site yet so I hope this reaches those who have commented so far.

trailmix

I guess the question would be, is this/was this relationship good for your life? Based on what you wrote, it wouldn't seem so.

Alcoholism is destructive, not just to the alcoholic, to his friends, family, children, employers. You are one of them, his SO, closest to him and it, so you received the brunt of it.

You can't help him you know. He needs to look after this himself, with the support of professionals, if he chooses to do that. You attempting to help him would be no different from him helping you with your spinal degeneration. First you would have to want help, then you would need to seek professional help.

Perhaps the bad would only be a small book, but that's all that is needed really to destroy a relationship. Perhaps you might consider going no-contact with him, at least for 6 months or so. Give yourself time to heal from the hurt, give him time to try to sort himself out. It's also important to take that distance after a break up to even attempt to have a friendship, don't you think?

BBblue95

For the first part of this, I'm not trying to help like a physician or therapist or any type of professional that handles these types of situations. I'm wanting to be there for him in a support role. Listen to him, help If asked and within reason. I just want to be present in the background to assist in his recovery. Therapists suggest building a strong support network while going through hardships and I would like to be a part of his support network. I'm not trying to fix him, just be there giving encouragement and assistance. I see this in more of a situation of if my ex had an issue I could assist with (flat tire change for example), I'd help them because I care about them, their safety, and their well-being.

For the second part. While I understand for most relationships that is true, ours is very unconventional and what others would see as a negative we dont label it as such. Every relationship has negatives and positives. No relationship is perfect. This is especially true for relationships where one party suffers from addiction and both from past trauma and everything that comes with it. He hasn't cut off communication (possibly because knowing I'm still in the background is helping him in some way) so I won't be cutting it off either (unless absolutely necessary, which we haven't reached that point).

I'm allowing myself to privately feel and process my emotions while also leaving space for future possibilities.

I have a plan, with or without him. I do not need him, I want him. If he decides later on to reciprocate that and express it, that is entirely up to him.

I still very much love him and am willing to step back like I have been for his benefit. I personally don't have a problem with this going however he needs it to go. I've stepped into the support role and will keep my duties aligned with said role until otherwise prompted.

While I will always care for him and I have a sliver of hope I am keeping in my back pocket for a return, I do not push for it.

I am focusing on myself and will be fine in the end, no matter the outcome.

I don't believe my stance, viewpoint, or having hope are unhealthy in any way.

BBblue95

I forgot to mention that he informed me he is starting his program, new job, and therapy this upcoming week. So he is seeking help and he wants it.

I even briefly said I was proud of him for taking this step towards recovery and I'll be here if he needs me.

trailmix

Well I think it's good that you have set out a plan for yourself and some boundaries. As long as you are looking out for yourself, that's what matters.

Actions not words, he is attempting a big shift this upcoming week. I truly hope he will be successful.

edoering

@BBblue95 sorry to hear what brings you here!

Sorry to hear you’ve already been through the wringer in multiple relationships in life. That can be tricky, as it sets the tone for what our bodies find “familiar” and comfortable. We can start to feel like something is “good” just because it’s what we know, when maybe there’s something healthier out there but it feels frightening because it’s the unknown. Unfortunately, our human brains are built to fear and avoid the unknown, even if it’s better than our present state.

I’m glad to hear you’re putting yourself first. From personal experience, I’d recommend looking for the sneaky/subtle ways codependency puts him first. From the outside looking in, the way you write in these posts seems to put a lot of priority on him—his feelings, his needs, his healing, etc. It sounded like you were wanting to be the best supporter you could be for him, and that’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself.

You’ll hear a lot of people on here warn against going too deep in the quicksand of being the “helper” because it’s a bit of a black hole. Addiction is very much a black hole, and it can suck up all love and kindness before it ever even reaches your loved one. They don’t feel it, but we get drained. It’s very different from helping someone not battling addiction through a hard time. I myself helped someone until I nearly drowned with them. We are no help to anyone if we go down with them. (We use the metaphor of oxygen masks on an airplane a lot here!)

Additionally, Codependency is a sneaky pattern that makes us think if we can just be “perfect” we could “get through this” with our loved one. (For example, if we could just be the best version of ourselves, the most supportive friend or partner, the kindest, the most understanding… how I’ve tried to be all of that!) But the truth is, us being wonderful and loving is not the antidote to addiction. Instead, we lose ourselves with them if we aren’t careful. And sometimes, support can even feed the addiction and make it worse, as twisted as that is.

We just can’t control any part of this, except ourselves. At first, I felt helpless when I realized I had no control. Then I felt free—free from the anxiety, and the guilt, etc, I’d been placing on myself.

If I’ve learned anything from sitting in meetings with my ex-husband for years, if there is any way to help your ALO, it’s by focusing on yourself and break codependency pattens. I couldn’t agree more the books “Facing Codependency” by Pia Melody and “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie. I was luckily not a very codependent person, but I still learned SO much from those books. Including how many biases I had about what I thought codependency looked like, vs what it actually is.

I hope any of this helps, and I hope you have more peaceful, less chaotic days soon!

BBblue95

Can someone delete this or tell me how to delete this please?

Dee74

Hi BBlue
I can close the thread for you but we don't delete threads.

Dee
Administrator
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