Struggling190

About 7 months ago I ended an 8 year relationship with the first person I ever truly loved. He was an alcoholic and wouldn’t get clean and so much damage and trust issues made me have no choice but to leave. Fast forward a few months later I started dating an amazing guy. I broke up with the new guy after a few months because I still didn’t have closure with my ex. I went to talk to my ex. He said he had been sober for 7 months. He was working everyday etc. I knocked on his door and told him I still didn’t see my life with anyone but him. We talked for about a week and slept together once and then his toxic controlling behaviors began. I ended up telling him we are so bad for eachother and that we shouldn’t be together. I was missing the new guy who actually respected me and treated me with love and let me be me. So anyways I went to go hangout with the nice guy again a about a week after all of this and my ex freaked out and kept calling me and him and telling me I have 2 mins to answer. Or else. Apparently he took his firearm to his moms house gave it to her and then went and relapsed. I feel like it is all my fault. I had good intentions I had no intention to hurt him again he just showed me he is still so abusive I tried to give it another chance and I can’t do it. I blame myself. I keep having panic attacks thinking it’s all my fault and I just want this weight to go away. I feel like I’m going to worry about him for the rest of my life and I just wanna be ******* happy. Part of me wonders if he was ever really “sober” Can anyone please help me?

fini

hello Struggling,
NONE of this is your fault. you didn’t “make” him do anything!
i’m a sober alcoholic and don’t usually hang out in this section here, but just want to say it is NOT YOUR FAULT!
nobody can make me take a gun to anything or pour a drink down my throat other than me myself.
please take care of yourself and i’m sure others will be along shortly to give more input.

trailmix

Maybe think of it this way. Were you able to make him stop drinking? You weren't. If a person could, love, nag, threaten etc a person in to sobriety, there would be very few people on this website.

You are not that powerful. You also can't make him drink.

He is a grown man, who invited you back in to his life, abused you, then went off on a tangent when you left. Did he expect you to just keep taking the abuse? Sadly, he probably did.

He is not someone you want in your life. He is just trouble, just drama and hurt.

Have you read Codependent no more by Melody Beattie? If not you might find it really helpful in setting boundaries for yourself, along with a lot of other useful information.

The real question you might want to answer is - why you would feel guilty for leaving someone who is hurting you.

velma929

He treated you poorly. What difference does the REASON make? He could have had trauma in his life, he could have been raised in a dysfunctional family, he may have a personality disorder. I think people sometimes get bogged down with "S/he's addicted to alcohol, it's an illness, it's not her [his] fault."

None of that is the person's fault. But thinking we can fix an adult is mistaken, on a couple levels. It's sometimes written here that help is just the softer side of control - that's pretty true. Parents have a duty to shepherd their children toward adulthood and mold them into functioning humans. Employers have the right to define what constitutes success at a job. As humans in a relationship we can't (and don't really have the right) to change another person. That's treating an adult like a child.

biminiblue

This is why no contact is so important, I would also block anyone from his circle from contacting me.

I've had a guy threaten to kill himself if I didn't come back to him. WTH? I mean, how charming, right? Oh sure, now I have to have you!! I am Wonder Woman and have saved your life. It's very seductive, and I'm not being sarcastic: it plays to your need for control and he knows that. He's trying to manipulate you. He is in a power struggle with you. Since you're not giving him what he wants, he ramps up the manipulation. He's very sick.

You deserve to be happy. Go with Mr. Nice Guy and never look back. Your ex had more than enough chances, and he continued to show you who he is. This is who he is and that whole mess is better left behind.

SmallButMighty

100% agree with bimini!!!

I also dealt with the " I'll kill myself BS" for a decade. Did a number on me, because I let it.

(Gosh I hate that our "thank" button is gone. I'm sure so many other also agreed....but now we will never know )

dbyrer

(1) it is not your fault
(2) he is not sober
(3) please take some time to work on yourself by yourself, then look for a healthy relationship