Hoope

Hello. After a 15 year relationship, my AH became depressed, was in and out of the house for a few months trying to deal with it and then left because he needed a break. He moved in with a “roommate” that he eventually became involved with. After initially being in crisis, I found my way and we lived separately. He kept telling me he wanted to come home. When he did, he kept contacting the “roommate”. Several times I asked for a divorce which he refused but attempts at reconciliation didn’t work. He was drinking, staying in touch with the roommate. Finally, we agreed to a divorce. I was sad but ready. Things blew up with the roommate who I learned was his drinking buddy and family and he got himself into rehab. I was cautiously optimistic that this would help us get back on track and seemed to be working at first. Lots of letters, a few phone calls. With about a month left of rehab, radio silence. No letters or calls. Finally he sent me a letter saying he couldn’t come to the town we lived in (he didn’t say home) because it made him drink. He didn’t want to be a yo yo in my life even though he had for the previous two year’s and we’re in the process of a divorce. I felt gobsmacked, hurt and angry. I don’t know where he is now but guess the roommate is in the picture.

I’ve been finding that posts on this site have helped me process my thoughts and feelings. Any insight that can be offered would be really appreciated. He was my first love and we had a very strong relationship until he got depressed. I alternate between grieving and being appreciative that it’s coming to a resolution. Thanks for reading.

trailmix

Hi Hoope. I'm guessing he has been an alcoholic for quite a while?

Depression seems to be part and parcel of alcoholism - firstly it's a horrible way to live but more importantly alcohol is a depressant. It also changes the functions/connections in the brain. The brain becomes accustomed to that huge surge of feel good signals and starts shutting down it's own production (what might bring you happiness looking at a beautiful sunrise for instance).

All that is to say, he is different now. His experience over the last several years of your marriage is not what you experienced. Alcoholism is progressive. So yeah, he probably wasn't having a great time - but that's all about him and not about you.

The new "roommate" might be a drinker or not, perhaps not and that was a deal breaker, so he hot footed it to rehab. He may or may not be sober now. He may think he has it under control.

I only bring these things up to give a little clarity. Even if he is newly sober, newly sober people are usually all over the place.

I'm sure friends and family have stated that you are actually better off without him and honestly, deep down, don't you think you are? What did he really share with you during your time together? Certainly better off without him over the last few months he stayed. It's obvious his integrity was slipping, playing both sides of the fence. I'm sure that's not the guy you want.

I think grieving and relief that it's coming to an end seem perfectly normal. It's important to focus on yourself now (as I'm sure you have read here). What would you like to do now?

Hoope

Your message really resonated with me and gave me clarity and support. Thanks for taking the time to respond. As for what I’m going to do now, I’m going to enjoy life!!

LifeRecovery

It was my husband's affair that finally got me dealing with the elephant in the room which was his alcohol use/my codependency.

The similarity for me between the affair and the drinking - was my walking on eggshells around them both. I spent a lot of time trying to fix the problems around him to make it all okay so he would not utilize these "crutches."

In reality that was not mine to fix or frankly attempt to fix. When I keep the focus on me and what I could control it was a lot better for me. Part of the deep learning this experience brought me was separating out mine and not mine.

Hoope

As I read more of the posts here, I come to accept that my AH is a different man than the one that I was married to. I also get that I am better off without him and his issues. However, I am still mourning the loss of my marriage/relationship because it was good for a long time. I’m also aware that he left rehab and went back to the roommate, the one he claimed he drank too much when he was with her. I get that my f-ed up AH found an equally f-ed up woman to be with. I understand that on one level. However, on another level, it hurts and I feel like she’s “won” even though he’s not much of a prize- out of rehab for less than a month, no job, no money. I’m still processing and have some difficult moments. Anyone else relate?

trailmix

I think that's totally normal. You are grieving the relationship, maybe not what was, recently but what was before and what it could have been, the potential.

One thing that is helpful for a lot of people is writing a list of all the negatives, something short and to the point that you can refer to - 20 times a day if you want:

- Never on time
- Unreliable
- Abusive when drunk
- Snappy and mean sometimes when not drinking
- Cheated with "roommate"
- Couldn't go anywhere without pre-drinking

You get the idea. The mind tends to think of the "good times", this list will help your mind remember the not so good and then you will find that the ideal scenarios appear less and less.

As for her having "won". Well as you said, what exactly did she win? But I get your point. Society tends to look at relationships that way, but it's not really the truth. You two are not compatible. Does that mean there is something wrong with you? Not at all. You are fine the way you are. The fact that you aren't compatible (perhaps mostly because he is an alcoholic and you don't want an alcoholic partner) has nothing to do with you personally.

I bumped a thread up in this forum that you might find helpful, there are lots of great threads in the sticky section at the top of this forum, in particular under About Recovery and then Classic Reading:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

Hatguysgirl

I can definitely relate to being sure that things are better off this way, but still grieving the loss of your relationship. I would say I had 6 pretty great years with my husband, 4 years where it was up and down, and the last 2 have been pretty bad, but I was really really detached from it and I didn't realize how bad it was until I discovered an emotional affair and started to really reflect on what my life had turned into. I can look back now at the last 2 years and recognize that my husband has been nearly completely absent in our relationship, as a parent, and a person in general. I never realized how bad he had gotten because he didn't treat me badly, he was obnoxious and drunk and eventually mostly a lump on the couch, but he didn't actually do anything bad. So I am mourning the loss of him as a person, and also my relationship. I'm sad for him that he's missing our kids growing up, and I'm sad for them for the same reason. I'm angry for me that I am raising them alone because it's really hard, even though I know he really didn't do much other than be a pair of hands for me to direct when I had more kids needing attention than I could handle at the moment. It's really hard to balance knowing that things are better off how they are, and also mourning the loss of what was and what could have been. My husband says he's almost 2 months sober, I don't know if he is or not. And either has his own place, or is living with his girlfriend in his new place (not sure, because he still lies to me constantly.) I honestly don't care about the girlfriend, but I am angry that my husband chose to get it together after finding someone else. It just doesn't seem fair. I mean, odds are good that he won't stay sober, and even if he does that he'll revert to all the annoying behaviour I know he's exhibited the last few years (won't help clean, gets annoyed about spending money on things that aren't for him, etc). But still, it sucks.

Hoope

So much of what you say makes sense to me. We had 15 years but I’m guessing that the last bit of time was not as good for him as I thought it was. The good times were good-we loved each other a lot, talked, traveled, fixed up a house together, threw great parties, spent time with family. I miss that guy. I’m also wrapping my brain around the idea that he’s not that guy now and taking care of me is what I want and need to do. I have a lot to look forward to. Hope you’re doing well and working through it❤️

edoering

There was a phrase I used to hear in my ex-AH’s NA meetings, “doing a geographic” I think? It meant when an addict thought moving (to a different town or state or home) would cure their problems. When they try to change everything around them to see if that will make them feel better—everything except themselves and their addiction, that is.

Sometimes people or other partners are included in that “let’s change everything” but sometimes not. I know the roommate part might hurt the most, but I don’t even think it’s the most important to him. Trying to run from the problem (himself) is probably more the root of it all.

I totally feel you on the mourning. I had (sometimes still have) to mourn my ex for a while. The man I loved just disappeared when the addiction took over. At first, because a man who walks and talks like him is still out here in the world, I felt like I was missing out. That he was “out there” somewhere, just not choosing to be with me. But, at least in my case, I eventually realized the man I loved is not out there anymore. Not his personality, his heart, his mind—all those things that made him who I loved. I wasn’t missing out, he just wasn’t an option anymore. And the person he’s choosing to be now is not someone I would necessarily be in a relationship with, or have fallen in love with in the first place. So I let myself grieve my ex like he was dead, and it really helped me process the cognitive dissonance of the love and the pain.

Hoope

Hello. Thank you so much for your post. It really resonated with me, especially the mourning him as dead part. It sounds harsh but the man I loved isn’t here anymore. You wrote it insuch a way that hit home with me. I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts. They really helped me.