kilanilaufy

Hey guys, I made my first post a few days ago and it helped way more than I thought it would. My dad relapsed after 12 years and I know I can't control it our change it but I cannot get rid of this sad feeling. I keep tying to focus on the good things in my life and I see my counsellor, but I found a stash hidden completely on accident and it just set me back so much. Every time I smell it or a see the glass its just so off putting. I just feel like I keep grieving the man he used to be and the peaceful life we would have had if he hadn't relapsed. He's a very unemotional guy, he doesn't believe in getting help, and is beyond stubborn. I just turned 20 and I really don't want to feel like this my whole life. I dont have any other family members to turn to and im working towards getting another job so I can move out. Im sure many of us here have felt this way before and im trying my best to take all the steps towards healing but it hurts a lot. What are some of the things you guys did to ease into that acceptance?

Seren

Time and distance have always been my friends in this 'fight'. It's easier to heal when you don't have a front row seat to the chaos. I know you're in pain, and I'm so sorry. Pain is part of loving someone, and that pain has to be walked through to get to the other side. When it has been really bad for me in the past, I found distracting myself to be helpful. A bit of TV, a walk, cleaning the kitchen, anything to keep the hands and mind busy.

Sending hugs! Hang in there!

FWN

It's not what you want to hear, but time and distance is what will help you move on. And actually allowing yourself to FEEL the pain, identify it when it comes, don't bottle it up, instead cry or scream or talk it through with a therapist. Don't push it away trying to make it go away, that will just keep it inside you and it will take longer to heal.

Move forward one step at a time, allow yourselves to grieve while making choices that are in YOUR best interest, not because you feel bad or guilty etc but because you truly want to do them. That will help you move on.

JanuaryStrlight

Really, like the others have said, time and distance. Even if that distance is figurative/emotional. Take emotional steps back from your father and give it time. The time factor is the hardest, I think—like can’t we just hibernate to the point in the future where we’ve reached acceptance or healing? XD I’ll be thinking of you and sending prayers and good vibes for you to find a second job so you can save up to move out. That’s a good step.

Lots of love!

MyGirlGracie

I wish it could be "rip the bandage off" quick, but it isn't. The process is a bit like grieving a loved one who has passed away... you don't get over that person quickly, but you will let the sadness go. My thoughts are with you and I hope a job comes through tomorrow so that you can enact those plans of moving out. Keep your focus on you and your happiness!

Amaranth

Time and distance, yes. But also important to fill that time, rather than waiting for it to pass. Sport really works for me. I did kick boxing for a while.....that was great!! I don't feel the need to do that anymore but it was great punching the bag!!! Getting out of your head and into your body. Also music. Listening to loud music stops my mind thinking. Do you go to any clubs or have any hobbies? Would you consider joining a choir? Taking up an instrument? cold water swimming? Anything really to change the tape in your head for a while

Bernadette

Hi kilanilaufy,
Can you try an AlAnon or Alateen meeting? They have online ones now too...if you have the option to go in person and try a few different meetings (each group does seem to have its own personality!) hopefully you can find a group you vibe with.

AlAnon and AlaTeen

AlAnon was the first thing that turned my head around and gave me some tools to create space around the problem, gave me some perspective on things I could control, and helped me feel less alone and hopeless when I heard other people in the group sharing their experiences.

I second everyone's thoughts about it being a time passing thing. Filling that time with making small steps towards your goals and doing fun activities you enjoy will bring you greater peace of mind, even as you're learning more about what tools you can use to manage the fact of your father's alcoholism in relation to your life.

It can be a painful time, as most times of great growth are, so be a friend to yourself and find those distracting activities and even small healthy habits that soothe your spirit!

peace,
B.

TakingCharge999

You won't feel like this your whole life, this is a feeling at this moment and stage.. healing and accepting things we can't control is a process, it can have sadness, anger, apathy, desperation, frustration... all these feelings and their intensity are all valid, normal and healthy for you to feel

You are very young, hope you can indeed get that other job to move out sooner, meanwhile one day at a time... try to generate a bit more distance, I know its tough... sometimes I generate that distance just with headphones and my favorite music in my room.