JanuaryStrlight

Bruh, I'm going out of my mind over here.

My AH is a secretive, sneaky drinker--he never drinks in front of anyone, does it well out of sight, and maintains, even when he is utterly and completely and OBVIOUSLY obliterated, that he is not drunk and has not been drinking. He has always maintained this clandestine habit of drinking and gaslighting for all the time we've been together/married. He will vanish into some corner of the house and reappear drunk as a skunk, head out on some bullcrap errand (the bank at 9pm, Home Depot for no good reason, the grocery ten minutes after I finished putting all the groceries I purchased away... next thing you know it will be the Air Force Museum or the moon because why not) and return blitzed out of his mind, or wait for us to leave and when we get back he's completely off his rocker. However, he comports himself as though he hasn't been drinking and nor should we suspect him of drinking, even if he's slurring his speech, has the bloodshot derp lazy eyes going on, and isn't capable of moving through the house without looking like the freaking puppet from Team America. Then, if I confront him on it, I am wrong and he is stone cold sober and I am CLEARLY mistaken. Then follows the concern for my mental state and how can he assuage my acute anxiety and support me and make me feel comfortable? Chased inevitably by deep dives into my psyche... for instance, how I will never truly please my father or achieve his approval, how I am experiencing a massive identity crisis, and how I am not even close to recovered from my ED. FYI, I proposed NONE of these issues to him. He has simply felt free to go off on drunken tangents psychoanalyzing me and offering unending compassion and support as I struggle with my emotional turmoil and plethora of mental problems. (He's also accused me of borderline personality disorder on numerous occasions--I have been in therapy since CHILDHOOD and no one has diagnosed me as having anything other than PTSD, anxiety, depression, and codependency. But he looked it up online and I MATCH ALL THE SYMPTOMS! I should look it up and see for myself!)

I haven't sought forensic evidence of his drinking because honestly, other than it not being recommended, it's also just not worth the effort. He's had some lazy hiding places in the past that I've just kind of bumped into going about my business, after which the hiding places got a little more inventive but were still ultimately discovered (once on a gut impulse that turned out to be extremely right, and another quite by accident as I was searching for an old W-2.) I'm sure the stashes have been moved to some of the weirdest and most creative spots in the universe--perhaps the back tank of the toilet, the body of his homebuilt computer, the undercarriage of his car, or maybe even a wormhole! Who knows. He's probably MacGuyver'ed some of that crap.) But I KNOW I'm not wrong--it's SO painfully obvious when he drinks and it's not like I can't smell it from the far edges of the galaxy, anyway. I don't dare light a candle to mask the ungodly fumes because the whole dang house will probably go up in flames.

The times I have brought up suspicions of his drinking, he has asked me when I've thought he was drunk, forcing me to go back and recall specific days during which I suspected him. 99% of the time as a mom with three kids (oh, did I mention my dad is still recovering from three strokes and my mom committed suicide barely over a year ago?) I can't remember what freakin day of the week it is on that given day or how much time has actually gone by since x event or y event, so that's a tall order. Then, he asked me to track dates of when I think he's been drunk and present them to him. This feels like a trap to me--it gives him the freedom to say he wasn't drunk on presented days and therefore I am mistaken and something is wrong with my perception of the world and reality. He also throughout the course of these conversations (there have been a few on this subject, always when he's lit to high heck) asked me not to refer to his drinking as "his" drinking. It's "important to him" that I do this. This feels unfair, in a way--like it removes ownership and responsibility for the dependency on alcohol. I get that he's powerless over it and recognize that it's not so simple as just quitting or taking personal responsibility and overcoming it like THAT *snaps fingers*. But there's still a sense that he's completely removing himself and ANY sort of responsibility from the equation. I'm in recovery from anorexia--but I call it MY eating disorder. It's mine and no one else's and I own that.

My oldest daughter (a teenager) has also become very aware of when he's drinking and can tell just as quickly. Plus, he harasses her endlessly when he's drunk about anything and everything--her math grade, her confidence issues, why isn't she doing marching band next year, she needs to pursue a different career field, how TERRIFIED he is for her because she's JUST SO IRRESPONSIBLE (uh, she's 14, my dude), her boyfriend, etc. Last night we were talking about it and she said she noticed the mountingly stupid and unbelievable supposed errands he's running and next time we should cue up Mission: Impossible and follow him to wherever he's going. (I laughed my butt off but gently reminded her that's just asking for trouble and I don't want her to have to be responsible for confronting him.) I'm doing my best to protect her but I don't know how I can continue to protect her if HIS drinking (insert angry, contrarian face here) continues to go unacknowledged and mount in frequency.

It's a bizarre conspiracy of silence we're in at this point--like what is it, Fight Club? And it's a conspiracy of silence that's gone on for years, with AH as the ringleader. We all defer and bow to the ringleader, and not dare to acknowledge the giant circus elephant hanging out right there in the middle of the ring, doing tricks and trumpeting and squashing all of us under its feet. But for the love of God, don't acknowledge it. It's not truly an elephant.

In the meantime, my IBS has gotten out of control--I'm physically sick day in and day out. My achalasia has even been acting up after surgery some years ago, causing pain and problematic symptoms. I can't sleep a whole night through no matter what surfeit of supplements I take. All the while I'm just TRYING to keep it together for my kids, two of whom are 6 and 1.


Bottom line, AM I legit out of my skull? Is it possible I'm wrong? Please be honest. Because if I'm wrong, I need HELP. Like I will be worried about my mental state if that's the case--I have to be completely paranoid delusional if my gut's pinging me that catastrophically wrongly.

Thanks for bearing with me during this very extreme rant. Disclaimer: I love my AH to pieces. When he's sober, he's an absolute angel and one of the kindest, most loving and accepting souls you'll ever meet. His drunk alter-ego is just like a foil to that--a devil to his angel.

I hope all of you are well!

trailmix

I'm worried about your mental state. NOT because of what he has said, because yes, he is drinking, you can take that to the bank. There is no question. (period).

The problem here is him. He is gaslighting you. Many alcoholics that I have read about here hide their alcohol and lie about it, but the extra horrible part here is that he is playing with your mind as well - and the kicker? He obviously enjoys it

I wouldn't put a tag of "angel" on him. You may not be able to see this, because you are in the tornado, but this is terribly bad for you and your kids. I don't know that you would be able to see it without some distance from him.

He is not your friend.

dustyfox

Wow. You are dealing with a lot. He has a drinking problem. You have a problem and it's him. He is gaslighting you. He probably won't stop. It will be eroding your happiness, self-esteem, confidence, and probably health. It will do the same to your children.

I think you need to let him get on with his own drinking problem and start to think through what you will choose to do. Talk to trusted friends or doctor and think about how you can leave him. Even if you return at some point, I leaving him is wise.

MyGirlGracie

Bottom line, he is NEVER going to admit to drinking... even if you caught him with the bottle turned up! I would stop asking him and stop "wondering" where he is going in the night because you KNOW he is lying about it all. I agree with Trailmix and have read her replies to many folks that "the Devil and the Angel are one in the same"... there is just the guy who drinks.

I am sorry you are going through this and am so sorry to see the physical and psychological effect it is having on you. Please focus on yourself and your kids... they need you now and will need you more as the roller-coaster ride continues.

Noelaus3

A big part of why I left my ex is that he was doing to my 15yo son what yours is doing to your daughter. It was destroying his self esteem and it had to stop.

trailmix

I was just thinking, how does he treat people outside your immediate family? What are other relationships like (if he has any), what is his work life like?

venuscat

First, I just want to say that I am so sorry about your mum, and I am sending prayers for your dad.

The others have already said this so well—he is gaslighting you. All of this behavior is manipulation, and he sounds like he is brilliant at it. So what can you do? I know what I would do. I would buy a breathalyzer and ask him to prove that he is not drunk. And if that didn't work, I would get one attached to his car so that he can't drive unless he is sober. xx

SproutLife

Make a list of what you want and need to be happy! You take care of you (so you can keep being that super mom), however that looks.

Nd819

I'm so sorry, you have so much on your plate right now. Yes, he is absolutely gas lighting you. My husband has the same pattern of evening errands, and he also has his fair share of hiding places. You are a stronger person than I am because I have not been able to keep myself from searching for his stash, it's like a challenge to me to figure out where the new hiding spot is, I know it's probably not healthy but at least I can prove to myself that I am not imagining it. I don't have much advice other then to try Alanon and really decide what your boundaries are.

Seren

As others have said, your husband is clearly an alcoholic. His behavior towards you and the children is verbal abuse. Unfortunately, you cannot separate the "Angel" from the "Devil". All of this is him, right here, and right now. Unless and until *he* decides to stop drinking.

I know that the posts our members have shared with you is a lot to process. Please know that we will support you. Come back any time to vent, talk, ask questions. And no, you are not insane.

Live

Wow, not only is he bent on self destruction but on destroying you and your family too. Honestly, I would say run and do not look back.

Radix

Very tough situation. You are being gaslit.

He lies in order to protect his drinking. He doesn't want to stare the idea in the face, that he has to stop. He's not in denial, because if he thought it were all roses and unicorns, then he wouldn't be sneaky about it. So he knows what he's doing is bad, but he doesn't want to risk losing it (the "it" being his drinking behavior).

So what can you do?

You've tried confrontation. More confrontation isn't likely to end any differently.

You could wait for him to change. Change is possible, but nobody knows how long it could take.

You could start taking steps to safeguard your own happiness and security, which may mean you leave him.

As tough as it is -- and I get that it's very tough -- think about it this way: twenty years from now, what will your kids wish you had done? When your youngest are all grown up, what do you want to be able to say to them then, about how you handled this now?

JanuaryStrlight

First of all, thank you guys so much for your support and reassurance. I can't believe how utterly VALIDATED I feel to know I'm not completely out of my mind. There's been such a pervasive sense of despair in recent months--this sort of hopeless, resigned notion that I am, in fact, fit for a padded room where they serve me pancakes without syrup through a slot in the door and when I escape I'll take off across the hills in a straitjacket screaming that Peter Pan stole my shadow.

This whole thing, to put not too fine a point on it, SUUUUUCCCCKKKKKS.

It's so inconsistent. Some months he'll be lit 5-6 nights and days a week, with brief, lunch break-type periods of pseudo-sobriety. Others he'll be pseudo-sober the majority of the week, between 3-4 days. Sometimes he'll even go a week or longer without drinking--although this is pretty rare, not going to lie. Normally these lulls precede the inevitable downhill slide.

When he's sober, it's very easy to remember why I love my AH and why I married him and why I've put up with so much for as long as I have. I live for the outings with our kids and the times we interact and spend time together like normies who don't have the demon alcohol residing in their house. Conversely, a Planck length into witnessing him drunk hurls me into this sticky, suffocating quagmire of abject hopelessness--and honestly there's an inertia about that place, kind of a resignation that this is the way of things and here we are.

There are times it feels like I can't accept this, and I should absolutely leave when things get bad. As of now, though, and it's hard to describe, but I feel like all the strength and fight have gone out of me and I've just become something like a complacent survivor. Keep your head down and abide--at the end of the day your kids live a comfortable life and are well provided for. Equally, I have an incredible fear of what a divorce will do to the younger kids--they love their dad and he unquestionably loves them. I'm scared that will damage them more than staying in this home with an active alcoholic will. But who knows... I don't want to future trip on it, but the fear is enough to stall me out. I've tried leaving twice in the past and both attempts were unsuccessful and hell on earth. (Very long stories behind both.)

@trailmix AH is actually a very good worker, he has an admirable work ethic and provides very well for us. It's like the one area of his life he's consistently functional in. XD For a long time he didn't have much of a social life--isolated both by his drinking and his friends' knowledge of his problem--but lately he's been going out more with coworkers. His treatment of them seems respectful.

Whatever I decide, it's such an enormous comfort to find support and validation here. I really can't thank you guys enough for everything--assuring me I've not gone off the deep end and that my perceptions and emotions are valid. Sending all my love and hugs your way! <3

Seren

Please stop in to chat here anytime!

Angrylove

Hugs to you! I can relate, my ex even had me take a personality test and suggested I get therapy numerous times and I too thought MANY days that maybe I fabricated his drinking problem in my mind. He too would demand the days I thought he was drunk, and I too could not put specifics on days and then of course I was wrong. But his was nearly daily. Finally I half gave up, decided it was in my best interest to distance myself because I honestly don’t think I would have EVER left. Then 3 months ago he rolled our truck, blew twice the legal limit and went to jail. As soon as he got out he left me. I am still dumbfounded but truly believe he couldn’t stand to admit his problem, since it was now legally documented… he just walked out. Have not spoke to him since. He picks our son up in the driveway and leaves. It is incredible how deep the denial or unaccountability goes. I tried everything, most of it probably made it worse because I was literally driving myself crazy, but it’s over and done anyways. You are not crazy or demanding or ANY of the things you might think. You are just wise! I am here for you, don’t take 2nd best to alcohol!

trailmix

Well, my Father was an alcoholic as well. His drinking was probably similar to your Husbands. He wasn't drinking every single day, but most days. He was an excellent provider, he had a very responsible job that he couldn't even drink while doing (miles from civilization, no drinking permitted sometimes for 2 weeks on).

I don't know that his alcoholism really progressed as far as the amount he drank but it did affect him. He lost 2 families, he had 3 DUIs - and a lot of other stuff I won't go in to.

Point being, who your AH is now, is not who he will be in 5 years probably, drinking changes people.

Once, as an adult, I was clearing out some stuff at my house and I came across a card my Sister and I gave to my Dad when we were kids (probably under 10). Happy Fathers day (or whatever it was) love - etc etc. I looked at that and I thought, hmm, I don't remember that, ever really feeling that connection, at all, because of course when you become an adult you see what's really going on and how they treat you all and your Mother and you can't go along with that.

So the lesser of the two evils? Well that is for you to decide, of course. What they are seeing is that you stay with someone no matter how bad the treatment sometimes, no matter how horrible they treat you.

This above is just terrible treatment. Her Father is basically telling her she is worthless. Her judgement is bad, she's not smart enough to choose a career path, she can't even pick a decent boyfriend.

The truth is, alcoholics make terrible parents. The younger ones love him because they don't know any different, yet.

Please know this is no way in judgement of you or what you decide. But your fear is unfounded. Imagine him speaking like that to your little ones, because one day he will.

And you? You deserve so much better. I know you are at that point where you are exhausted, emotionally, but you can change this, you will find the strength and courage, if you want to. Baby steps.