AngelaDar

Hi! I'll try to hit the lowpoints. My adult son, 28, is an alcoholic. He was fired from his job in CO last January, and I had to fly to get him. His girlfriend couldn't take it anymore. After he got fired, he called for alcohol to be delivered daily. He could barely stand when I got there. I had known he drank, but I did not realize that he had been a functioning alcoholic up until then. I made him eat and helped him ration the alcohol intake to the point that he was strong enough to fly back to FL with me. It wasn't pretty, but we got home. He seemed to be doing his best, attempting to get better, of course swearing it was not a problem. By Sept of 2022, he was binge drinking. He went to Orlando, got kicked out of a friend's home, and spent $200+ a night in a hotel for over a week. I had to go get him, as he couldn't walk, much less drive. In November he got a ride to Orlando with a friend to move in with another friend, because I told him he was going to have to get sober or move out of my home. His Orlando friend told him in advance there would be no drinking. My son either snuck out or had it delivered, staying drunk for over a week, until his friend couldn't take it anymore. Again, I went to collect him. Since December he has simply spent more and more time drunk. I had emailed the Drizzly people and told them absolutely no more deliveries to my home from any email address. He sleeps it off enough to go get more, drinks that, then goes back to sleep. When he is awake he is verbally abusive. He was physically abusive once in the past couple of months. It makes him feel better to try to make me feel bad.I can't talk to him about anything, much less his plan to get sober. He refuses to leave and dares me to call the police to remove him. He hasn't bathed in at least a week. The bedroom smells horrible from spilled alcohol. He can barely walk. I am clueless as to what to do. I know he has to want to get sober in order to get him to a detox center, but I can't take it anymore. There is just me. I normally live alone. I'm physically and mentally exhausted, and I'm disabled. It's all I can do to take care of myself. I don't know what to do. I don't know who to call. I'm worried sick about him, and I'm worried about myself. I want to sell this condo and move. I can't show it with a drunk in the bedroom. He has no money for recovery. He had agreed that I could sign him up for Florida Blue Healthcare when he was still able to have a semi-rational conversation. He couldn't get the insurance because he doesn't work.

ErinGoBragh

Google the A.A.' in your area and start there. As soon as you've done that, call Al-Anon. After that, I'd call the police to see how you can evict your son.

I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but my husband was like this when he was an end-stage alcoholic. Your son lives to drink. Nothing else. And it sounds like at this point he could possibly die if he went cold turkey. You might be able to get him locked up for 72 hours if he's of harm to himself and others. Or you could try committing him to a detox facility.

Don't let him stay in your home in his present condition. As you're witnessing first-hand, this disease sucks everyone down into its destructive vortex. At this point, all you can do is save yourself. I tried several times to save my husband. It didn't work. I had to walk away and leave him to live his life as he wished. I still love my husband, but I know in hindsight I did the right thing when I left him. Tragically, he died from the disease. I did all I could.

trailmix

As sad as it is, your taking him back so many times isn't helping him, just providing him shelter to drink. I understand your trying though! He is your Son and you love him, but you are right, this has to stop.

Take him up on his dare. Do tell the police that he is abusive and has also been physically abusive since he has been there. They will advise your next steps.

It would also be a really good idea to call your local Domestic Violence organization as well. They understand these situations and would know how to proceed to have him removed. They can also refer you to other agencies that can help you.

I'm sorry it's come to this Angela, but remember, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). Also attending Al Anon meetings is a good idea.

By the way, if the police do remove him, even if it's just an overnight hold, please have your locks changed immediately. Even if that's a midnight call to a locksmith, it would be well worth the money.

Dropsie

In Florida, you may want to ask someone about trying to apply the Baker Act if he gets bad. Allows for a 72 hour involuntary hold to evaluate for mental illness.
A friend of mine had to do it twice for her son, different circumstances, but worth checking out.

AngelaDar

Thank you all for the advice. It honestly helps just to know that someone hears me. His father and brother don't want anything to do with him like this, and I am both embarrassed to tell anyone and trying to save his reputation. In my mind, he will get better eventually or die. I am an RN. I know about helping others and have dealt with pts who had to be given beer in the hospital as well as those having DT's. I have only dealt with pts like him when they were dying, bleeding out in the ER. I could have him "Ejected" easily enough, which is the term in Florida for forcing someone to leave when there is no Landlord/Tenant relationship. I picture him on a park bench somewhere, and I can't stand it. I have called a detox hospital here asking for information to present to him as to his options. I need to know able the financial aspects, since he has no insurance. They referred me to another center that would keep him longer than the 72 hours they would keep him. I emailed them the same day I posted here. Hopefully they will get back to me after MLK day. If not, I'll call. I need info so that I can explain to him the options and let him choose to get better or die. He is primarily verbally abusive. He hurt me when he tried to take my laptop from me. Verbally abusive is not acceptable, and I know that. I have taken his house key away weeks ago. He does not have a copy. I will update after I hear from the detox center. Again, even your previous replies were helpful. Thank you.

seekingcalm

Dear Angela,
My heart goes out to you. I am the mother of an alcoholic son who still has a job, but in your post, I see his future if he doesn't seek recovery.
I have not seen my son in over 4 years...he has completely cut me out of his life as a result of my suggesting that when he drinks, he isn't very nice. Like the little child who says that the Emperor is not wearing any clothes, I have been banished from the kingdom for speaking the truth.
I can honestly say that I understand how you feel and that even though I tell myself that if he turned up drunk, I would turn him away...I am not quite sure I could.
Will keep you and your son in my thoughts and prayers.
Keep posting and reading here, and I echo the suggestion about Al-Anon. I have found understanding there that I never found anywhere else.
Take good care.
Seekingcalm

AngelaDar

Seekingcalm, My best to you, as well. Thank you.

Refiner

Would be interesting to know how he’s paying for his alcohol?

BellaBlue

Hi AngelaDar, I understand what you are dealing with, too. My AS is now 44 and his addiction has been in full swing for over 25 years. In and out of the ER, rehabs, sober living, etc. It has not stopped. Can't count the number of couches he has surfed, the jobs he gained and lost, the women who have taken him in. I had to get off the roller coaster. We still talk on the phone a few times each month, but that's it. And the conversations must be limited to a few common interests we share. When he starts with his sob stories, I have to cut him off and not listen because it's just too upsetting and I believe, it's just further enabling - he uses his crap to push my buttons. I don't feel I have a son. All this to say, you may have to look at it similarly. If there is abuse, especially physical, it may escalate. We don't deserve such treatment.

Several years ago, he did show up at our home with the DT's. I insisted he get to an ER and we went from hospital to hospital for help, but because he refused it, no help could be given. He sat outside on the ground and pouted. Another day went by and the cops were involved and off he went in the squad car. A neighbor called them, so I was not the bad guy. If he wanted to come here again, I would say no. It never worked well and I know I can't save him. I would tell him to go to a shelter.

There was a woman in our Alanan group that had to say no to her son. He lived under a bridge for years, but finally got clean. I remember how hard it was for her, but she held her ground and would not allow him to destroy her and the family. Cause that's what they do.

As the saying goes, if nothing changes, nothing changes. Promises and good intentions mean nothing. Only right actions.

Take good care.

Bella

Bute

Hello Angela
My son is also 28, however, heroin is his poison.
I evicted him from our family home 8 years ago. He's never been back, not even to visit.
His life has been chaotic, in and out of prison. I have seen him once in almost 3 years, and that was in prison.
I reached the point where I was absolutely sick to the back teeth of him and his lifestyle. I also knew that I couldn't save him, nor help him.
I agree, that you should find out what your options are regarding having him leave your home. I made the decision when I evicted my son, that I would never allow him to live under my roof again.
I truly hope you can move forwards, and your home can be your sanctuary.
Much Love
Bute x

Radix

Al-Anon will tell you that you can't control his drinking and you can't cure him. That's true.

So you have to decide whether you're going to let him stay with you in your miserable status quo with his destructive behavior. Presumably you're close to saying "no," but it's a heavy step to take and it's frightening. If he left again and went to a friends' place or another hotel, things would be much easier for you -- just don't go get him again.

If he's not going to leave your place voluntarily, then things are more complicated.

Once you've decided you're not going to put up with his behavior in your home anymore, you have a few choices. Call the police, or give him an ultimatum and then call the police. I favor the latter approach, but only you can know what's best for you. I would give him an ultimatum: 1 week to stop drinking and accept help, and here's what you're willing to provide if he makes that choice, and here are the rules he has to respect to continue to receive your help. Then after one week, call the police if nothing has changed or if he breaks the rules again.

That way you can be 100% certain in your heart and in your mind that you gave him an option and he made his choice.

Of course, he's been making choices all along, so there's a valid argument that you should just call the police now. As I said, only you know what's best.

You can't control his drinking, and you can't cure him, but you certainly can (and should!) enforce limits in your home, and it sounds like he's nowhere near close to respecting your limits.

Of course it will be hard for you and hard for him. But the status quo is more than just hard: it's unacceptable.

All the best.

Lilro

Hi!
I'm not sure where in Florida that you reside. In broward county there is a rehab called BARC that takes patients without insurance. HE has to make the call though.

AngelaDar

He pays for it from his savings. He was working and earning quite a bit until last January. He was a functioning alcoholic who is no longer functioning. I don't pay any of his bills and certainly not his alcohol, but I have had to pay for hotel stays when I have had to travel to get him.

AngelaDar

I'm having trouble with the guilt of potentially throwing him out, but I'm having trouble with wrapping my head around that big next step for him. He has gotten worse and worse. He can barely speak, barely think rationally, stumbles around going to the bathroom. He gets just sober enough to drive each day. If I throw him out, I don't know how he is possibly supposed to get batter. He is at least safe from the elements and people who would harm him if he were harmless. If he were in a state where he could think rationally, I wouldn't have this kind of guilt and fear. I cannot wrap my head around how someone so sick is going to get better by being homeless. If he could think, "If I don't stop, I'm going to be homeless." He can't put three rational sentences together, and this is a guy who got a full academic scholarship to UCF His brain is mush right now. I have no problem using tough love to help him. I cannot see how he would be helped if I kicked him out, though. I can barely stand him anymore, but I don't want to see him dead or raped in some park or under a bridge. Yes. I am miserable. I would rather be miserable than throw a sick person to the wolves. I am an RN. I am used to helping people, even complete a$$hole people who I know care nothing about their health and who are sick because they chose a lifestyle that made them sick. I'm thinking out loud here, too. Thanks for the replies. Thanks for letting me ramble.

trailmix

I get what you are saying. The way he is going now he will probably end up in an ambulance and then hospital.

Have you considered having him involuntarily placed in a facility?

Involuntary placement

AngelaDar

I have checked on the Marchman Act. That gets very complicated. You have to have a medical professional willing to write admit orders and agree to treat them. You have to have everything set up as to where the patient will go. It is highly recommended that you have an attorney, as well. With the Baker Act, I was told by our local facility that they can only hold a pt for 71 hours. He has no health insurance. He did have some that he carried, but he can't find the policy or even remember the company.

trailmix

Perhaps it is not as complicated as they say, at least not according to the government website I linked to. As his Mother, you can apply.

No, 72 hours won't fix what is going on but it will give him time to sober up for 15 minutes. They can hold him longer than 72 hours if they need to.

What other option is there?

Seren

It seems as though you have decided this is an unwinnable situation. It's unbearable thinking of him drink himself to death in your home. It's unbearable thinking of him drink himself to death out on the streets. Out of this 3-pronged situation (drinking, your home, street), you have no control over the one main problem--the drinking.

I'm not trying to be cruel with this next part. I'm simply speaking from my own experience with my stepson.

So, you leave him in your home and put up with his drunken and sullen rages, and he eventually runs out of his savings. Are you prepared for when he starts pawning items from your home or stealing money from you? Trust me, it can get to that. When actively drinking or using, I didn't trust my stepson at all. Your son is an adult. If a hospital held him for the 7? hours, then he might just be sober enough for you and a social worker to speak with him about his options (one not being your home). My late husband and I found the hospital social workers to be very helpful! We also found it very peaceful when the angry, abusive addict was not part of our daily lives. I wish that peace for you and for your son. Neither of you are getting it while he continues in the same manner at your home.

AngelaDar

I filled out the paperwork required by my county to have my son ejected from my home. I made sure that he was sober enough to sit upright in my living room while I did this. I explained to him what was going to happen, if he did not sober up. He continued to drink the next day. I took away the alcohol he had in his room, and he was too drunk to get more. I did not want to call the police, and I was considering simply not letting him back in if he went for more booze. He slept almost 24 hours. The day after that he got up only to go to the restroom and get water from the faucet. I said nothing, ignoring his presence. He called my cell that next night asking if I would please take him water. He was too sick to get up. Thank goodness I have tile floors. TMI, but I walked in barefoot and the floor was wet from vomit. He was suffering, but he wasn't dead. I did not check on him at any point. He was either going to suffer through DT's or die, and I had come to terms with that. Next day he was getting his own water from the bathroom faucet. A couple more days of sleeping and water continued. Eventually he was sober enough to be disgusted by his situation. He washed the sheets and cleaned the floor. I did not help. He was weak and only had the energy to put on the bottom sheet before going back to sleep. He started getting up more but also started arguing with me again. I reminded him that I had the paper all filled out to have him removed if he started his crap again, so the best thing for him was to go back to bed. More sleep, water, eventually small amounts of food ensued. He hasn't had a drink in over two weeks, but I'm not resting on any laurels. I'm still on edge, too reluctant to relax. He is very slowly showing signs of being a rational, likable, adult. It's one day at a time now. I don't mention it. I know it would stress him. I'm trying to keep things calm, because I know being sober is a shock to his system and still precarious. I do occasionally say, "I'm proud of you," in an offhand way as I walk past him. He knows what I mean, and I leave it at that.

Bernadette

You could slip him the number to AA and just say, "I can't help you with what you're going through. But these people can." And then let it go, no expectation.

After decades my father finally chose to call that number (Mom had given it to him on a slip of paper which he had tucked in his sock drawer for more than 10 years!) and a 12th stepper came over and took him out for coffee and that was the beginning of his sobriety and recovery.

This is in South Palm Beach, FL:

24 Hour Help Line: 561-276-4581

Or this is the toll free nationwide #
800-839-1686
All calls are 100% confidential
https://alcoholicsanonymous.com/5-re...-hour-hotline/

And for my own sanity (as this is a long road you're on) I found AlAnon really eye-opening and helpful in restoring my peace of mind.
AlAnon

And keep posting here! We're all here for you.
Peace,
B.