Wife of 12 years in rehab and I’m kinda lost
 

Been married for 12 years. She checked herself in December 19th on her own accord for alcoholism. She also chose a place five hours away from home that is takes private insurance and is no court ordered allowed. She did this on her own, She said to save our marriage and save our family as it’s her gift to us and our children for 2023. We’ve been having this problem for over six years I barely drink. We’ve only seen her twice and a three week she’s been in and you get the short 6-10 minute phone calls each. But she has changed become distant because she doesnt want to talk about it. she is a very bad pass that I know about. She was very standoffice when we saw her after being in there for two weeks. But she did say thank you for supporting her, putting up with her craziness and our alcoholism and for loving her as well as the space. Divorce has never been brought up at all but I can help feel nervous after reading how much people change after rehab.
I’ve been attending Al-Anon for two weeks now and been to 7 meetings have a temporary sponsor. We both written two deep letters to each other. The first one she talked about, the second one she hasn’t even mentioned. We do send her cards twice a week with inspirational notes a minute from myself and our daughter. I am very anxious about this entire or deal as we have a 9 and 3 year old who maids her dearly. But we’re told we can’t tell her any of the sad things like that our duathger has cried for her several times.

Dear Jsnake
So sorry for what brings you here. I can only imagine your heartache: the situation, the distance, taking care of your kids, everything.
Her personality is going to change as long as she doesn't drink. You are seeing the beginning of this. The person she was. under the influence, is what you know. I am glad you are attending AlAnon.
You will find a great, supportive group here. Keep coming back!!!

You are in a difficult position. It is hard to take care of yourself AND all of the family responsibilities. It is hard to be strong for your children and to face uncertainty in your relationship. You are making great choices by attending Al-Anon and posting here. Truly, all that you can control is your own path, your own reaction to the information that is presented to you.

In my early 20's I was married to a lovely man who suffered from alcoholism. That relationship brought me to this site! He entered rehab when our son was only 2, and it was a time of great fear and longing and anger for me. I wanted SO MUCH for him to get/be better, but I was also VERY (quietly) resentful about the amount of work that I believed was being forced upon me due to his choices. And I was terrified of what his "recovery" would look like in terms of our relationship.

Some of my questions:
Why did I have to go to meetings because of his drinking problem???!!!
Why did I have to start therapy to deal with my anxiety about his choices???!!!
Why did I have to sit around waiting to see when/if he would get better???!!!
Why did I have to give up my dreams for a stable, healthy family life???!!!
Why wouldn't he just BEHAVE???!!!
Why wouldn't he choose me???!!!

It all seemed so unfair. Looking back, I was very selfish and very uninformed about alcoholism. I'm not saying that you are either of these things, but few people come into the world with an inherently sacrificial heart and an innate understanding of addiction. Those are HARD-earned rewards.

It is normal to be concerned about yourself, and it is healthy for your wife to be concerned about herself. Best case scenario is that you will both work a program of self-discovery, acceptance, and peace as she changes, grows, and flourishes in sobriety. You will both LIVE!!!

My husband completed a 30-day rehab program and began drinking again within about 10 days. We divorced. He continued to struggle with his disease until he died from it (age 42). It took me a VERY long time to empathize with his plight and forgive him. It actually took me, personally, struggling with my own addiction.

My women's AA group (in my tiny Kansas town) has 10 regular attendees who are blossoming in sobriety and (generally) quite happy in our marriages. Many attended rehab to kickstart their recovery and NEVER LOOKED BACK. 25 years of continuous sobriety, 18, 12, 9, 5, 2 years. 11 months, 9, 6, 2 months. I am married to a fabulous partner for whom I am DAILY grateful. I'm a present and joyful mom.

Addiction goes both ways. We DO recover, but no one else is in charge of it. Even if we really love them.

Sometimes I wonder how my life would have advanced if I had invested in truly working the 12 Steps in Al-Anon (admitted I was powerless over others' choices) when my life revolved around my ex's drinking....but it's really only an interesting thought experiment. As much as I hurt in that relationship, I didn't hurt enough to CHANGE. I didn't hurt enough to let go of my addiction to control. So, my Higher Power taught me the lesson in a new way!

This time I learned it.

Take care of YOU. What do you want? Need? Dream of? What are you in control of? What is your faith in?

I'm thinking of you and your wife and your sweet family. Blessings.
-TC

Update
 

She just did I guess the group part really talk about the homlife then she is convinced by them that I’m toxic because of my nagging because I would give her a hard time about drinking because I didn’t understand or know what I was doing because of the alcoholism. And yes, over the years I was mean to her and would give her the cold shoulder because I didn’t understand. So currently I’m a trigger. So now I’m toxic and she wants to go to a sober house in the same area . And she think she’s gonna come pick her kids and leave me now. As of now she’s not coming home because she thinks I will be back to the same complain. And she doesn’t think I support it. This is totally gone completely off the rails, I have been to nine Al-Anon meetings Now I have a sponsor and gone to 2 open meetings and it even got to recovery Bible and now I’m meditating but she doesn’t wanna hear any of this and has checked out. I think I have to do what I best for our kids now and make a plan. She is in her pink cloud now where everything is perfect and has to others helping her write me the letter she is leaving. I found this out because she changed the password Apple and our daughter came to me saying dad I can’t get in, but I put the password in and then I saw the texting behind it or she’s telling these people that she’s doing and these guys in a program, guiding her on how to leave me. She’s trusting people she’s gone for three weeks.

hi JS. Unfortunately while that reaction from her is not common, it's certainly not uncommon, I have seen the same reaction here before several times.

What can happen, over the years is that, while the sober person might think they are completely justified in "being mean" to the alcoholic because their behaviour is unacceptable for the family, it causes a huge rift in the relationship.

As I'm sure you know, relationships take care and that can be put totally by the wayside when the elephant in the room (alcoholism) is everyone's main focus, no time for heart to heart talks or caring and affection.

Many think that once the alcoholic gets sober all will be well. If they would just put the drink or other drugs down. That's rarely the case, even if the partner has been incredibly patient and supportive. The alcoholic, which also gets overlooked, has been drinking for some time. Living that life, feeling shame, guilt, anger etc etc. They do not arrive at the beginning of recovery, sober and ready to take on the world.

Unfortunately, there is very little you can do about it. She is going to make her own decisions. I am sure you are very hurt and I'm sorry you got hurt in all this.

I would really recommend that you have, at least, a consultation with a lawyer. You will want to discuss your rights in all this, particularly with custody.

You can be there for her, you can let her know if that is the way you feel but whether she is willing to work on the relationship is, of course, up to her.

.
 

We aren’t speaking now and I know she sent the letter to me telling how bad I am. I have learned in Al-Anon that I did a lot of things wrong over the past 5 years had becomes angry, bitter, grumpy, controlling more and more. I admit that and was writing her a letter telling her all this, but was told by my sponsor I’m trying to control her again. So now I’m not sending it.

I think it really depends (the letter) on your motivation. If your intent is to control how she is acting right now, then yes, your sponsor is right.

We can't actually change anyone (and really why would we want to). If your intent is to just let her know that you realize what you have done wrong and what you are doing to fix that and to apologize, well, I see no problem in sending that letter.

If it contains all the ways she was wrong that led to how you treated her, then it will only add fuel to the fire . It shouldn't be about her.

Do you want her to return now, or at least right now, with this new knowledge you have?

Your job for the past 6 years was taking care of her. She went to rehab and so you lost your job. You didn't resign. You were fired. You had no say in this and you aren't used to that. You are used to controlling everything. You may not have wanted that role, it was most likely forced upon you, but you accepted it. Now what?

How about taking care of you. How about taking this time to get some sleep, stop the constant worrying, and start putting yourself first. Stop writing the letter. Stop sending cards. Let her work on her sobriety. and you work on regaining your sanity. If the two of you each get your own houses in check- chances are pretty good that you will both figure out whether or not you want the other person in your life.

This is exactly spot on right now. We’ve had some issues while she was in there. She has decided to go to a sober living house for the next 60 days. She’s afraid right now that she cannot be sober in the house with me. She’s not sure that I will continue the path of what I’m doing with Al-Anon in AA in my own therapy. we have had talks of separation and divorce but therapist has finally talk to me and says she wants to table dad and revisited in two months. So essentially, it’s a separation with custody of the kids we will take them to see her every other weekend, and she is still saying five hours away from where we live, which has made this whole process even harder. Thank you all for the insight on this. This site is really helpful.

I'm glad you have found this site. Your wife is probably right that returning to the very same situation in which she drank abusively for years is not the best idea right out of rehab. The distance is also likely a good thing rather than bad. In order for her to be sober and work a program of recovery, her entire life will change. As her family, your and the children's entire life will change. It is great to realize that this is not "fair" to you and the children, but it is reality and resenting that fact will not change things for the better. If your wife succeeds in recovery there is the chance your family can be re-established for the better for all concerned. It will be entirely different than before, but before she was drinking abusively, and you don't want that, right?

Yes she was but now she’s at the point of her place where this is my fault and she said there’s several things I did that she has to forgive me for. And that being in the house with me, she cannot stay sober. Because of my past negativity and nagging and complaining. Which I’ve learned through Al-Anon and AA, but it was due to the alcoholism that had made me this way. I am continuing to work my steps with my sponsor, my Al-Anon friend in my church. Because she is in her, her pink cloud with her sober living girlfriends in this house for the next three months. I’m in keeping my interaction short and simple with her and letting her focus on herself like she said. She also said she can’t love her self right now. She can’t give me the love that I deserve all the love that I want and she can’t love her kids right now. She has to do this for the next three months and then see what happens.

The alcoholism drove you to that point, but that's part of you, rather than "making" you that way. Why is that important? Not to place "blame" at all, but it's something to be looked at maybe. Maybe worth looking at how you would like to react/behave if you were in the same situation again.

There is very little time to focus on relationships when alcoholism is involved. The alcoholism takes center stage for everyone. Your relationship is very damaged, your wife is in a bit of a crisis. All of this is going to take time to heal.

The relationship may or may not be able to be saved.

Are you focusing on yourself, what you want and focusing on your children or do you find yourself ruminating a lot about your wife/your relationship with her?

Yes I am focusing on myself seeing a therapist weekly now to work on my issues. Spending more time at church too with the kids 3 times a week. Giving her the space she asked for doing my best to better myself for me my kids. I don’t want to be a trigger for her or anymore and want do what is best for my kids. Right she said she can’t love herself, can’t love me it love the kids right now. So that is what I am doing detaching with love and focusing on me n the kids.

That's good, Jsnake89t. The more you focus on yourself and your kids, the more you will evaluate the kind of relationship you ACTUALLY had with your AW. The very best thing I did was get space from my now exAH and I realized the peace and calm that came with being away from him. I thought beforehand the space that we'd work it out, but after being away from him for even a few weeks, even with 3 kids including a newborn, that life was such much better for all of us than the insanity I'd been living in for years.

I developed a good routine with our kids here at the house without her here. But obviously she did all the cooking so my cooking is not up to par. But Trey is doing the 90 day thing now and so we’re living and we are doing the space work on each other thing talking to the kids at night. We just talk if it’s something important about money or something.