Alcoholics and narcisstic people similar?
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Alcoholics and narcisstic people similar?
Me ex was an alcoholic for years but met me within months of being sober. Ive been through many emotions since breaking up. I've written on here quite abit. To be honest he genuinely was not a nice man when women were concerned. He's had 3 serious relationships and I was his 4th apparently.
His 3rd relationship lasted 9 years and they both liked a regular drink. He got addicted. But was also messing about talking to other women and at least one affair took place and ended that. She says she caught him out 8 times. I know he was depressed and i know she saw alot of his suffering. When they broke up he clung to her and she became a friend who was supporting him.
The problem was he tried to kill himself and overdosed 9 months after moving out. He text her and she saved him. She has contiuned to be his friend. She felt he owed her alot of money.
I asked him more than once to not get involved with me if he was still carrying the past and her into the future. I told him I didn't want to be ina relationship with a man not over an Ex. He promised me that he'd never go back there. He told me various things that were insults to her but defended the friendship as being like a brother and sister.
there was alot wrong in our relationship. He didn't work the whole time. He was sponging off me. Smoking weed. Not paying his rent etc. He was very up and down and verbally abusive. He still was up to his old behaviours. Women. Sneaky behaviour. On dating apps and I know he had sex with a woman off tinder whilst we were getting to know one another. This hurt as he had declared his love for me and bought me a big bottle of perfume a few weeks earlier.
as time went on I had been hurt too much. He was disrespecting me and at 16 years older he wasnt on the same journey as me. It kind of felt like it was meant to happen. I searched his phone and saw messages to his ex saying he was crying over their memories. It ripped my heart out. I was lying next to him just hours before he sent her that.
Now I've spoken to a few other women and I know he's got an awful reputation for women and messaging anything with a pulse.
I have realised he's got to have some sort of issue going on. Such as bipolar or border line or Npd. He has no empathy. He steals and lies and so much is messed up with him.
I know this post is frustrating to read. I understand people thinking why does it matter. But I guess I really loved this man. I've got a therapist helping me but it's starting to hit me hard recently that he was literally using me for money. Even though he never paid the mortgage at his exes and hurt her in everyway possible she meant enough to him that he kept her as a friend and continues to keep in touch. I paid his bills and fed him for 9 months and we had an 18 month connection. I know that wasn't long. But he hates my guts. He literally can't stand me and I did absolutely nothing to him. He wad happy to take all my money. Take up all my time. But I'm not worthy of the respect he gives this other ex.
I saw on her social media she follows a couple of addict recovery pages watching men going through their journey. It hit me she doesn't see him as an abuser but as an addict.
I feel angry that they felt they was allowed to still have thst inappropriate connection behind my back. It's still eating away at me 8 months on.
Truthfully from experience would you say an addict and an abuser can be mixed up. I dont know how to let go and accept he possibly loved her and never did me. Any advice.
His 3rd relationship lasted 9 years and they both liked a regular drink. He got addicted. But was also messing about talking to other women and at least one affair took place and ended that. She says she caught him out 8 times. I know he was depressed and i know she saw alot of his suffering. When they broke up he clung to her and she became a friend who was supporting him.
The problem was he tried to kill himself and overdosed 9 months after moving out. He text her and she saved him. She has contiuned to be his friend. She felt he owed her alot of money.
I asked him more than once to not get involved with me if he was still carrying the past and her into the future. I told him I didn't want to be ina relationship with a man not over an Ex. He promised me that he'd never go back there. He told me various things that were insults to her but defended the friendship as being like a brother and sister.
there was alot wrong in our relationship. He didn't work the whole time. He was sponging off me. Smoking weed. Not paying his rent etc. He was very up and down and verbally abusive. He still was up to his old behaviours. Women. Sneaky behaviour. On dating apps and I know he had sex with a woman off tinder whilst we were getting to know one another. This hurt as he had declared his love for me and bought me a big bottle of perfume a few weeks earlier.
as time went on I had been hurt too much. He was disrespecting me and at 16 years older he wasnt on the same journey as me. It kind of felt like it was meant to happen. I searched his phone and saw messages to his ex saying he was crying over their memories. It ripped my heart out. I was lying next to him just hours before he sent her that.
Now I've spoken to a few other women and I know he's got an awful reputation for women and messaging anything with a pulse.
I have realised he's got to have some sort of issue going on. Such as bipolar or border line or Npd. He has no empathy. He steals and lies and so much is messed up with him.
I know this post is frustrating to read. I understand people thinking why does it matter. But I guess I really loved this man. I've got a therapist helping me but it's starting to hit me hard recently that he was literally using me for money. Even though he never paid the mortgage at his exes and hurt her in everyway possible she meant enough to him that he kept her as a friend and continues to keep in touch. I paid his bills and fed him for 9 months and we had an 18 month connection. I know that wasn't long. But he hates my guts. He literally can't stand me and I did absolutely nothing to him. He wad happy to take all my money. Take up all my time. But I'm not worthy of the respect he gives this other ex.
I saw on her social media she follows a couple of addict recovery pages watching men going through their journey. It hit me she doesn't see him as an abuser but as an addict.
I feel angry that they felt they was allowed to still have thst inappropriate connection behind my back. It's still eating away at me 8 months on.
Truthfully from experience would you say an addict and an abuser can be mixed up. I dont know how to let go and accept he possibly loved her and never did me. Any advice.
I wish someone here could give you an answer to your question, but none of us are qualified to diagnose him, or to tell you if it was real, or to assure you that he loved you and it meant more to him than he was able to express. I really, really wish that, but it is not possible.
In general, yes. Addicts can be abusers. Abusers can be addicts. There is no quanitifiable formula for human beings.
What I can tell you about your situation specifically is that letting go is a process and not an event. Deliberately turning my focus away from what others' might think of me or feel for me, and towards what I thought of and felt for myself is where the process really began for me.
In general, yes. Addicts can be abusers. Abusers can be addicts. There is no quanitifiable formula for human beings.
What I can tell you about your situation specifically is that letting go is a process and not an event. Deliberately turning my focus away from what others' might think of me or feel for me, and towards what I thought of and felt for myself is where the process really began for me.
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Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 68
oof. Reading this felt eerily similar in a lot of ways, except i'm the ex he can't let go of.
No one can diagnose him but there's a question floating around "what came first, the alcoholic or the narcissist?" Because alcoholics tend to be narcissistic and narcissists tend to drink.
It sounds to me that he can't be alone, and had you to cushion his fall after they broke up. This is a common theme with people but I've noticed more with men. Studies have said women break up faster while men break up longer, meaning women process the grief and sort through their feelings after and recover quicker, whereas men use a bandaid (drinking, women, etc) and feel it much later. Many men get into something and are not emotionally available because of this. He probably does like/care for you but not at the same level you do for him.
His ex is likely in the picture because they hope to work it out, and she is probably putting up some boundaries preventing him from returning in full to that relationship. Atleast thats whats happened with me. My ex was never able to let me go even though he was in a new relationship immediately. Now they are no longer together and he is back with more persistence, even saying he is sober a year now.
Alcoholic or not, this dude is not relationship material. Let him go. I had to cut my ex off cold turkey and resist the urge to reply to him to clear my head and get some perspective fot about 2 years. Now that he's back, I feel stronger and more confident in my decisions and whatever choices I make going forward. You won't feel like that until you are away from his circus and stop trying to understand his wants/needs but understand your own and whether he is giving those to you. Its hard, it sucks, but you'll get similar advice from others and it comes from a place of experience.
No one can diagnose him but there's a question floating around "what came first, the alcoholic or the narcissist?" Because alcoholics tend to be narcissistic and narcissists tend to drink.
It sounds to me that he can't be alone, and had you to cushion his fall after they broke up. This is a common theme with people but I've noticed more with men. Studies have said women break up faster while men break up longer, meaning women process the grief and sort through their feelings after and recover quicker, whereas men use a bandaid (drinking, women, etc) and feel it much later. Many men get into something and are not emotionally available because of this. He probably does like/care for you but not at the same level you do for him.
His ex is likely in the picture because they hope to work it out, and she is probably putting up some boundaries preventing him from returning in full to that relationship. Atleast thats whats happened with me. My ex was never able to let me go even though he was in a new relationship immediately. Now they are no longer together and he is back with more persistence, even saying he is sober a year now.
Alcoholic or not, this dude is not relationship material. Let him go. I had to cut my ex off cold turkey and resist the urge to reply to him to clear my head and get some perspective fot about 2 years. Now that he's back, I feel stronger and more confident in my decisions and whatever choices I make going forward. You won't feel like that until you are away from his circus and stop trying to understand his wants/needs but understand your own and whether he is giving those to you. Its hard, it sucks, but you'll get similar advice from others and it comes from a place of experience.
He has never treated anyone well. He lies, cheats, betrays and steals. People like that don't have love overflowing.
Could it be mental illness, maybe, no one can say really, or maybe it's just him. Either way, it's who he is.
The problem of rumination about whether he never loved you and maybe loved her is something for you to solve, you will never find the answer in his past or his behaviour.
Perhaps if you look at why you care, you might find the answer there. You can't place/have an expectation of "normal" feelings (like love) or normal reactions on him, he doesn't have that.
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Join Date: Dec 2021
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oof. Reading this felt eerily similar in a lot of ways, except i'm the ex he can't let go of.
No one can diagnose him but there's a question floating around "what came first, the alcoholic or the narcissist?" Because alcoholics tend to be narcissistic and narcissists tend to drink.
It sounds to me that he can't be alone, and had you to cushion his fall after they broke up. This is a common theme with people but I've noticed more with men. Studies have said women break up faster while men break up longer, meaning women process the grief and sort through their feelings after and recover quicker, whereas men use a bandaid (drinking, women, etc) and feel it much later. Many men get into something and are not emotionally available because of this. He probably does like/care for you but not at the same level you do for him.
His ex is likely in the picture because they hope to work it out, and she is probably putting up some boundaries preventing him from returning in full to that relationship. Atleast thats whats happened with me. My ex was never able to let me go even though he was in a new relationship immediately. Now they are no longer together and he is back with more persistence, even saying he is sober a year now.
Alcoholic or not, this dude is not relationship material. Let him go. I had to cut my ex off cold turkey and resist the urge to reply to him to clear my head and get some perspective fot about 2 years. Now that he's back, I feel stronger and more confident in my decisions and whatever choices I make going forward. You won't feel like that until you are away from his circus and stop trying to understand his wants/needs but understand your own and whether he is giving those to you. Its hard, it sucks, but you'll get similar advice from others and it comes from a place of experience.
No one can diagnose him but there's a question floating around "what came first, the alcoholic or the narcissist?" Because alcoholics tend to be narcissistic and narcissists tend to drink.
It sounds to me that he can't be alone, and had you to cushion his fall after they broke up. This is a common theme with people but I've noticed more with men. Studies have said women break up faster while men break up longer, meaning women process the grief and sort through their feelings after and recover quicker, whereas men use a bandaid (drinking, women, etc) and feel it much later. Many men get into something and are not emotionally available because of this. He probably does like/care for you but not at the same level you do for him.
His ex is likely in the picture because they hope to work it out, and she is probably putting up some boundaries preventing him from returning in full to that relationship. Atleast thats whats happened with me. My ex was never able to let me go even though he was in a new relationship immediately. Now they are no longer together and he is back with more persistence, even saying he is sober a year now.
Alcoholic or not, this dude is not relationship material. Let him go. I had to cut my ex off cold turkey and resist the urge to reply to him to clear my head and get some perspective fot about 2 years. Now that he's back, I feel stronger and more confident in my decisions and whatever choices I make going forward. You won't feel like that until you are away from his circus and stop trying to understand his wants/needs but understand your own and whether he is giving those to you. Its hard, it sucks, but you'll get similar advice from others and it comes from a place of experience.
it seems so hard to process this part because he doesn't even fight for his relationship with his daughters. He's lost all his family now and is very much alone. His ex was lied to and cheated on and felt he owed her thousands. I was lied to cheated on and felt he owed me thousands too. My therapist said it sounds like he was looking for a mother. I remember once seeing a post his ex had created reporting his written of car to the company who had damaged it. We had already done it and due to not enough evidence and 3rd party insurance he was unsuccessful. It was like he was going to her for no reason.
I could see the obsession he had over her still..but he disrespected her alot. He said he never fancied her and her body did nothing for him. He also said she loved herself and she put her career and friends before him. He said she behaved like a s*** before he met her meeting men in cars of the Internet and he overall spoke about her like this. But he got fiercely over protective of her if I suggested he needed to move on and stop connecting with her. He said she had been the only one there for him..
I guess it won't ever make sense to me. I sort of knew he was disappointed I didn't style my hair like her and he did seem to want me to wear the colours she was wearing. Even though to an extent we dress sorter similar he used to go in about women whacking their hair up in seconds with a chop stick and that was his ex!
I have this horrible feeling sometimes I look a tiny bit similar and he was in some sort of sick denial with us both mashed up into one.
It's great you cut him off. It must have really been slowing down your healing and moving on. I have been told by his cousin his Ex wouldn't go back there for love or money. Yet she's forever getting wound up about his women and sending him texts about me etc. So she must still like him. It's been 4 years in February since they broke up and no sign of her moving on. There hasn't just been me either. He's had a thing with another woman behind my back and since we've broken up he's added someone I cut off and is trying to get to me through flirting with her. I've had to come off facebook. He's constantly trying to sleep with his brothers exes too. He's truly awful towards people but it seems this ex is someone he just can't let go off.
The only thing I can think of is she had no kids and hes selfish and walked off frol his own. She let him live in her house. She didnt make him pay towards the bills. He was earning great money and yet had no money. So I think she liked the treats and luxuries he was blowing his £3000 a month on. He was always saying he couldn't talk to his ex like he could me. He said she made him feel judged.
Theres just so many issues. I think you are right she sorter wants him still but knows they can't really be together. I can only imagine her family don't like him one bit. Thank you for your perspective. I guess that's what I'm overthinking is it possible for someone like him to actually feel that strongly for a person. It seems other people all get the same cold hard disconnection. I guess I also feel why wasn't I enough.
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Join Date: Dec 2021
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oof. Reading this felt eerily similar in a lot of ways, except i'm the ex he can't let go of.
No one can diagnose him but there's a question floating around "what came first, the alcoholic or the narcissist?" Because alcoholics tend to be narcissistic and narcissists tend to drink.
It sounds to me that he can't be alone, and had you to cushion his fall after they broke up. This is a common theme with people but I've noticed more with men. Studies have said women break up faster while men break up longer, meaning women process the grief and sort through their feelings after and recover quicker, whereas men use a bandaid (drinking, women, etc) and feel it much later. Many men get into something and are not emotionally available because of this. He probably does like/care for you but not at the same level you do for him.
His ex is likely in the picture because they hope to work it out, and she is probably putting up some boundaries preventing him from returning in full to that relationship. Atleast thats whats happened with me. My ex was never able to let me go even though he was in a new relationship immediately. Now they are no longer together and he is back with more persistence, even saying he is sober a year now.
Alcoholic or not, this dude is not relationship material. Let him go. I had to cut my ex off cold turkey and resist the urge to reply to him to clear my head and get some perspective fot about 2 years. Now that he's back, I feel stronger and more confident in my decisions and whatever choices I make going forward. You won't feel like that until you are away from his circus and stop trying to understand his wants/needs but understand your own and whether he is giving those to you. Its hard, it sucks, but you'll get similar advice from others and it comes from a place of experience.
No one can diagnose him but there's a question floating around "what came first, the alcoholic or the narcissist?" Because alcoholics tend to be narcissistic and narcissists tend to drink.
It sounds to me that he can't be alone, and had you to cushion his fall after they broke up. This is a common theme with people but I've noticed more with men. Studies have said women break up faster while men break up longer, meaning women process the grief and sort through their feelings after and recover quicker, whereas men use a bandaid (drinking, women, etc) and feel it much later. Many men get into something and are not emotionally available because of this. He probably does like/care for you but not at the same level you do for him.
His ex is likely in the picture because they hope to work it out, and she is probably putting up some boundaries preventing him from returning in full to that relationship. Atleast thats whats happened with me. My ex was never able to let me go even though he was in a new relationship immediately. Now they are no longer together and he is back with more persistence, even saying he is sober a year now.
Alcoholic or not, this dude is not relationship material. Let him go. I had to cut my ex off cold turkey and resist the urge to reply to him to clear my head and get some perspective fot about 2 years. Now that he's back, I feel stronger and more confident in my decisions and whatever choices I make going forward. You won't feel like that until you are away from his circus and stop trying to understand his wants/needs but understand your own and whether he is giving those to you. Its hard, it sucks, but you'll get similar advice from others and it comes from a place of experience.
I wish someone here could give you an answer to your question, but none of us are qualified to diagnose him, or to tell you if it was real, or to assure you that he loved you and it meant more to him than he was able to express. I really, really wish that, but it is not possible.
In general, yes. Addicts can be abusers. Abusers can be addicts. There is no quanitifiable formula for human beings.
What I can tell you about your situation specifically is that letting go is a process and not an event. Deliberately turning my focus away from what others' might think of me or feel for me, and towards what I thought of and felt for myself is where the process really began for me.
In general, yes. Addicts can be abusers. Abusers can be addicts. There is no quanitifiable formula for human beings.
What I can tell you about your situation specifically is that letting go is a process and not an event. Deliberately turning my focus away from what others' might think of me or feel for me, and towards what I thought of and felt for myself is where the process really began for me.
Thank you. Very wise words. I guess I don't trust in intuition enough and I know that he displayed abusive behaviours in all his connections. Perhaps his ex accepted way more because they loved together and shared a different life. I had kids and wasn't able to leap Into that with him but to be honest we never even go close to that. I perhaps feel a tiny bit of jealousy that I'm worthless to him when he owes me £3000. We shared so many nights and days together and not alot ever was happening due to his issues. Yet I stayed and I continued to support him. Its hard to accept that I was probably being compared to his ex the whole time.
He sent me a couple of memes in October 2021. They were about not comparing the person in your life now to someone from the past. But also he sent me a meme about his ex giving him 3 different personality disorders and a drink problem. So maybe he was admitting there was drama going on between them and I had no idea.
Wish they'd just get back together sometimes so the rest of us can be left in peace.
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I don't know if I've mentioned this to you before but from all you have written about him, he doesn't "love" anyone. I'm not even sure why you think he "loves" his ex, or ever did.
He has never treated anyone well. He lies, cheats, betrays and steals. People like that don't have love overflowing.
Could it be mental illness, maybe, no one can say really, or maybe it's just him. Either way, it's who he is.
The problem of rumination about whether he never loved you and maybe loved her is something for you to solve, you will never find the answer in his past or his behaviour.
Perhaps if you look at why you care, you might find the answer there. You can't place/have an expectation of "normal" feelings (like love) or normal reactions on him, he doesn't have that.
He has never treated anyone well. He lies, cheats, betrays and steals. People like that don't have love overflowing.
Could it be mental illness, maybe, no one can say really, or maybe it's just him. Either way, it's who he is.
The problem of rumination about whether he never loved you and maybe loved her is something for you to solve, you will never find the answer in his past or his behaviour.
Perhaps if you look at why you care, you might find the answer there. You can't place/have an expectation of "normal" feelings (like love) or normal reactions on him, he doesn't have that.
I have had an unsolved mystery in my head for ages now. 2 or 3 spoons dissappeared from his home and he was acting all dumb and like he didn't know. Then shortly before we split up there were black marks allover his table. His tele went missing when we was together.an expensive coat disappeared. He constantly owed a tenner here and there. I think now it was much more than weed. Especially because the only people he mixed with up his estate were also addicts.
I guess I'm just ruminating again. I will get there im sure..I guess also I cam speculate for years and I'll never know. Its a shame his ex won't talk to me because she could answer all my questions.
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Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 68
Thank you for your reply. He seems very narcisstic. His cousin spoke with me and said she had heard the same story from his ex and he hurt her exactly the same as he did me.
it seems so hard to process this part because he doesn't even fight for his relationship with his daughters. He's lost all his family now and is very much alone. His ex was lied to and cheated on and felt he owed her thousands. I was lied to cheated on and felt he owed me thousands too. My therapist said it sounds like he was looking for a mother. I remember once seeing a post his ex had created reporting his written of car to the company who had damaged it. We had already done it and due to not enough evidence and 3rd party insurance he was unsuccessful. It was like he was going to her for no reason.
I could see the obsession he had over her still..but he disrespected her alot. He said he never fancied her and her body did nothing for him. He also said she loved herself and she put her career and friends before him. He said she behaved like a s*** before he met her meeting men in cars of the Internet and he overall spoke about her like this. But he got fiercely over protective of her if I suggested he needed to move on and stop connecting with her. He said she had been the only one there for him..
I guess it won't ever make sense to me. I sort of knew he was disappointed I didn't style my hair like her and he did seem to want me to wear the colours she was wearing. Even though to an extent we dress sorter similar he used to go in about women whacking their hair up in seconds with a chop stick and that was his ex!
I have this horrible feeling sometimes I look a tiny bit similar and he was in some sort of sick denial with us both mashed up into one.
It's great you cut him off. It must have really been slowing down your healing and moving on. I have been told by his cousin his Ex wouldn't go back there for love or money. Yet she's forever getting wound up about his women and sending him texts about me etc. So she must still like him. It's been 4 years in February since they broke up and no sign of her moving on. There hasn't just been me either. He's had a thing with another woman behind my back and since we've broken up he's added someone I cut off and is trying to get to me through flirting with her. I've had to come off facebook. He's constantly trying to sleep with his brothers exes too. He's truly awful towards people but it seems this ex is someone he just can't let go off.
The only thing I can think of is she had no kids and hes selfish and walked off frol his own. She let him live in her house. She didnt make him pay towards the bills. He was earning great money and yet had no money. So I think she liked the treats and luxuries he was blowing his £3000 a month on. He was always saying he couldn't talk to his ex like he could me. He said she made him feel judged.
Theres just so many issues. I think you are right she sorter wants him still but knows they can't really be together. I can only imagine her family don't like him one bit. Thank you for your perspective. I guess that's what I'm overthinking is it possible for someone like him to actually feel that strongly for a person. It seems other people all get the same cold hard disconnection. I guess I also feel why wasn't I enough.
it seems so hard to process this part because he doesn't even fight for his relationship with his daughters. He's lost all his family now and is very much alone. His ex was lied to and cheated on and felt he owed her thousands. I was lied to cheated on and felt he owed me thousands too. My therapist said it sounds like he was looking for a mother. I remember once seeing a post his ex had created reporting his written of car to the company who had damaged it. We had already done it and due to not enough evidence and 3rd party insurance he was unsuccessful. It was like he was going to her for no reason.
I could see the obsession he had over her still..but he disrespected her alot. He said he never fancied her and her body did nothing for him. He also said she loved herself and she put her career and friends before him. He said she behaved like a s*** before he met her meeting men in cars of the Internet and he overall spoke about her like this. But he got fiercely over protective of her if I suggested he needed to move on and stop connecting with her. He said she had been the only one there for him..
I guess it won't ever make sense to me. I sort of knew he was disappointed I didn't style my hair like her and he did seem to want me to wear the colours she was wearing. Even though to an extent we dress sorter similar he used to go in about women whacking their hair up in seconds with a chop stick and that was his ex!
I have this horrible feeling sometimes I look a tiny bit similar and he was in some sort of sick denial with us both mashed up into one.
It's great you cut him off. It must have really been slowing down your healing and moving on. I have been told by his cousin his Ex wouldn't go back there for love or money. Yet she's forever getting wound up about his women and sending him texts about me etc. So she must still like him. It's been 4 years in February since they broke up and no sign of her moving on. There hasn't just been me either. He's had a thing with another woman behind my back and since we've broken up he's added someone I cut off and is trying to get to me through flirting with her. I've had to come off facebook. He's constantly trying to sleep with his brothers exes too. He's truly awful towards people but it seems this ex is someone he just can't let go off.
The only thing I can think of is she had no kids and hes selfish and walked off frol his own. She let him live in her house. She didnt make him pay towards the bills. He was earning great money and yet had no money. So I think she liked the treats and luxuries he was blowing his £3000 a month on. He was always saying he couldn't talk to his ex like he could me. He said she made him feel judged.
Theres just so many issues. I think you are right she sorter wants him still but knows they can't really be together. I can only imagine her family don't like him one bit. Thank you for your perspective. I guess that's what I'm overthinking is it possible for someone like him to actually feel that strongly for a person. It seems other people all get the same cold hard disconnection. I guess I also feel why wasn't I enough.
Its a cycle that you'll need to stop by removing yourself because he won't.
I would say the spoons are an easy one, drugs, cooking drugs - that's my guess, only a guess of course but I've never lost a tea spoon, have you? And 3?
Here is the thing, We do care to some degree what people think of us, that's normal. You want your friends and family to think well of you. You want your partner to think well of you - and your employer and others in your life.
Generally, if they are your friends or family that love you as you are (mostly lol) - or in the case of your employer, you do a good job - all is well!
Then you come across someone like him. He doesn't "like" anyone, he doesn't "love" anyone, well maybe in some kind of warped way he interprets those two things. Maybe love to him is being taken care of, someone to give him a roof over his head and food and other things. Someone to stroke his ego - conquests.
In that way he probably is very narcissistic, not that anyone can diagnose him. If you want to find a way out of this narcissistic type hell, you might want to listen to Richard Grannon on youtube, very smart man.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCU9...GWAdafmAcNVi6g
Here is the thing, We do care to some degree what people think of us, that's normal. You want your friends and family to think well of you. You want your partner to think well of you - and your employer and others in your life.
Generally, if they are your friends or family that love you as you are (mostly lol) - or in the case of your employer, you do a good job - all is well!
Then you come across someone like him. He doesn't "like" anyone, he doesn't "love" anyone, well maybe in some kind of warped way he interprets those two things. Maybe love to him is being taken care of, someone to give him a roof over his head and food and other things. Someone to stroke his ego - conquests.
In that way he probably is very narcissistic, not that anyone can diagnose him. If you want to find a way out of this narcissistic type hell, you might want to listen to Richard Grannon on youtube, very smart man.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCU9...GWAdafmAcNVi6g
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Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 127
History does repeat. People can change but its rare and they don't fundamentally change at their core. If he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you. The more you write, the more he sounds like my ex. He also cheated on every girlfriend he's had. Me included. They bounce between women looking to feel 'loved' and it comes from a selfish place where they put their feelings before anyone elses. They swing back and fourth, recycle exes, getting their hits of attention, money or whatever then move to the next.
Its a cycle that you'll need to stop by removing yourself because he won't.
Its a cycle that you'll need to stop by removing yourself because he won't.
Yes I know that narcissist is a word thrown around easily now. I have felt for a while now even when we were together he needed professional help. His daughter is bipolar and he's got a very distant cousin who's a diagnosed borderline too.
That's exactly how it was.. when he was with the ex, he was contacting women throughout, but towards the end he convinced an ex school friend to leave her husband for him. Baring in mind he's late 40s! He was in a relationship with them both for 4 months and was tricking the old school friend saying his ex had left the home etc. Married lady wrote I love you on his wall and his girlfriend (the now ex) saw it and contacted her. He smashed her phone to stop them talking but a few days later she fixed her phone.
Then i came along and hed just got rid of a "stalker" whilst getting to know me he had his ex texting him, his brothers exes, the married lady was back texting him. Then around 3 months in he got talking to a woman from a dating app. He found an excuse to leave me for a month and skeet with her a few times before returning to me after telling her he didn't want a relationship. When we got back on track 3 women including his ex were texting him confused about his lack of messages and it was causing us so many issues.
Just before we broke up his phone behaviour had become very shady!! It was so painful to see him loosing interest in me when I was paying for him and trying to love him. He wasn't giving me sex but was looking around like some randy teenager.
you are 100% right. So did your ex constantly cheat etc?
I feel like im 90% over it now its just these little niggles. But theres no way back in for him ill never ever risk letting him get even slightly close to me again it's too dangerous that way.
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Join Date: Dec 2021
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I would say the spoons are an easy one, drugs, cooking drugs - that's my guess, only a guess of course but I've never lost a tea spoon, have you? And 3?
Here is the thing, We do care to some degree what people think of us, that's normal. You want your friends and family to think well of you. You want your partner to think well of you - and your employer and others in your life.
Generally, if they are your friends or family that love you as you are (mostly lol) - or in the case of your employer, you do a good job - all is well!
Then you come across someone like him. He doesn't "like" anyone, he doesn't "love" anyone, well maybe in some kind of warped way he interprets those two things. Maybe love to him is being taken care of, someone to give him a roof over his head and food and other things. Someone to stroke his ego - conquests.
In that way he probably is very narcissistic, not that anyone can diagnose him. If you want to find a way out of this narcissistic type hell, you might want to listen to Richard Grannon on youtube, very smart man.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCU9...GWAdafmAcNVi6g
Here is the thing, We do care to some degree what people think of us, that's normal. You want your friends and family to think well of you. You want your partner to think well of you - and your employer and others in your life.
Generally, if they are your friends or family that love you as you are (mostly lol) - or in the case of your employer, you do a good job - all is well!
Then you come across someone like him. He doesn't "like" anyone, he doesn't "love" anyone, well maybe in some kind of warped way he interprets those two things. Maybe love to him is being taken care of, someone to give him a roof over his head and food and other things. Someone to stroke his ego - conquests.
In that way he probably is very narcissistic, not that anyone can diagnose him. If you want to find a way out of this narcissistic type hell, you might want to listen to Richard Grannon on youtube, very smart man.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCU9...GWAdafmAcNVi6g
No can't say I have lost a spoon. Kids might have used one on the garden to dig a hole though lol.
Yes he clearly doesn't understand the real depth of love or what his responsibility is in his relationship. He just can't and won't give it up. He can't seem to notice that nothing ever goes right for him amd nothing ever works out. I'm not sure what he's looking for. hes had so many chances to be happy and throws each chance away.
I'll go get a cuppa and gave a look at the YouTube link. Thank you so much. I'm always keen to learn and understand my situation..
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Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 17
I feel for you I really do. Sounds somewhat like the questions I asked myself. What I came to conclusion regardless is with alcohol there is certain “masks” they wear depending on what others do for them. Could be he is still receiving something from his ex that enables his behavior . Who knows if he is a narssist . I would rack my brain constantly , obsessively reading books for confirmation my ex was a narcissist. I don’t know if this will help but for me it became a point it didn’t matter , I had enough information and what I realized all I knew is I didn’t want or deserve that behavior. But also some food for thought - if he is going to show such abuse to you, abusers don’t just change over night they just change their tactics for abuse we just might not see this. I picked up this book called “why does he do that” … it really helped bring closure for me. Maybe give that a try. It’s about the mind of an abusive man. It also has a piece on alcohol in there .
I am so sorry for your pain and it will get better. Big hugs
I am so sorry for your pain and it will get better. Big hugs
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Join Date: Jun 2021
Posts: 39
All the rumination about why he appeared to value the ex over you will dissipate over time. Maybe she had a higher level of tolerance for abuse? That would come at a very high cost - would you want to pay that? I mean would you want this man depending on you, looking to you for even more support? And what did he give you? In real terms, because it's clear he wasn't afraid to take from anyone. I've been there & I know your pain, and you probably will never get answers to those questions - but I think the questions are there because such characters as he thrive on getting women to utterly lose sight of our own needs, often through emotional blackmail & throwing us into that absurd sense of competition for someone who, with time, we come to realise was really not worth the energy, and in fact was a destructive force & a soul-sucking vampire. And that will be true with any woman past or present. You're lucky to have shaken him off si quickly.
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