I think my husband is a (somewhat) functioning alcoholic
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I think my husband is a (somewhat) functioning alcoholic
My husband and I have been together 12 years but I’ve started to realise I think he is a functioning alcoholic.
He works a very good job and goes in every day regardless. He doesn’t drink in the morning or anything. However he can drink 10 cans on a week night quite regularly. More on a weekend and he starts earlier on a weekend.
I don’t drink and never have. I completely believe people can enjoy alcohol but it isn’t for me. Plus we have a 4 year old so someone needs to be sober.
I rarely go out but twice I have come home to find he has had too much to drink and been the sole person responsible for our son. His argument is “he’s asleep it’s fine”.
im so bored and miserable. Once it gets past 8pm there’s no point talking to him or watching anything together as he won’t remember properly. I don’t want to have sex with a drunk man so we rarely do.
im lonely on an evening as he just sits and chain drinks cans of beer. My family don’t see it as such a problem and just laugh it off but I’m so lonely.
He has recently become ill and after denying it he has finally admitted he should probably stop drinking so much and is now in a terrible mood every day as he can’t drink and ends up going to bed at 7:30pm in a sulk. He has decided he doesn’t feel much better having stopped drinking so he’s going to start again, albeit have less.
he’s never violent or aggressive, he can just be a bit snappy and low on patience when he’s been drinking.
Sorry I don’t know what I want from this I just needed to rant. Any advice?
He works a very good job and goes in every day regardless. He doesn’t drink in the morning or anything. However he can drink 10 cans on a week night quite regularly. More on a weekend and he starts earlier on a weekend.
I don’t drink and never have. I completely believe people can enjoy alcohol but it isn’t for me. Plus we have a 4 year old so someone needs to be sober.
I rarely go out but twice I have come home to find he has had too much to drink and been the sole person responsible for our son. His argument is “he’s asleep it’s fine”.
im so bored and miserable. Once it gets past 8pm there’s no point talking to him or watching anything together as he won’t remember properly. I don’t want to have sex with a drunk man so we rarely do.
im lonely on an evening as he just sits and chain drinks cans of beer. My family don’t see it as such a problem and just laugh it off but I’m so lonely.
He has recently become ill and after denying it he has finally admitted he should probably stop drinking so much and is now in a terrible mood every day as he can’t drink and ends up going to bed at 7:30pm in a sulk. He has decided he doesn’t feel much better having stopped drinking so he’s going to start again, albeit have less.
he’s never violent or aggressive, he can just be a bit snappy and low on patience when he’s been drinking.
Sorry I don’t know what I want from this I just needed to rant. Any advice?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
You mention a few times that you are lonely and I can certainly understand that. You have to be home for your child, so that can be limiting.
One thing I would recommend is to never leave your child with him. He can't be relied upon at all. You would never hire a drunk babysitter, it's along that same line (no judgement there by the way). I know it seems counter-intuitive that you can't leave your child with his Father.
I also had an alcoholic Father and my Mom never left us alone with him.
Have you thought about focusing on yourself instead of him? There is no reason why you have to sit with him and watch him drink. Maybe join a Mom's group? They may have babysitting exchange as well, but if nothing else you will make friends.
His focus is drinking and he won't be able to drink "less". He is an alcoholic and there is no controlling or moderating that drinking.
He is functioning now, but alcoholism is progressive. How he functions now and who he is now is not who he will probably be a year or two from now if he stays in active addiction. As you already know, the amounts he is drinking are a lot by any standard.
I guess another thing to consider is, do you want to stay in this marriage?
One thing I would recommend is to never leave your child with him. He can't be relied upon at all. You would never hire a drunk babysitter, it's along that same line (no judgement there by the way). I know it seems counter-intuitive that you can't leave your child with his Father.
I also had an alcoholic Father and my Mom never left us alone with him.
Have you thought about focusing on yourself instead of him? There is no reason why you have to sit with him and watch him drink. Maybe join a Mom's group? They may have babysitting exchange as well, but if nothing else you will make friends.
His focus is drinking and he won't be able to drink "less". He is an alcoholic and there is no controlling or moderating that drinking.
He is functioning now, but alcoholism is progressive. How he functions now and who he is now is not who he will probably be a year or two from now if he stays in active addiction. As you already know, the amounts he is drinking are a lot by any standard.
I guess another thing to consider is, do you want to stay in this marriage?
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Join Date: Jun 2019
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I can empathize with you. I had a small children when I left my exAH. But you will hopefully realize at some point is that “nothing changes if nothing changes” and further that he will mostly likely never change (since he doesn’t think he has a problem) so you are the one who has to change. Let all of that sink in and maybe it will give you some motivation to make some changes for yourself and your child. For me, it was leaving. With a seven-year-old, four year old, and three month old. Not to say it was easy because it wasn’t, I have posted plenty on this forum and this forum is what gave me the strength to leave.
I will agree with trailmix, do not leave him alone to care for your child. I left my “functioning, alcoholic”, ex-husband home alone for 30 minutes to put my three year-old immediately down for bed while I picked up my older child, came home to an empty house because “they wanted pizza” and called his cell only to have a police officer answer telling me to come get my 3 year old because they’d arrested my AH. He’d fallen asleep at the wheel in a neighborhood, wasted (I didn’t realize).
I will agree with trailmix, do not leave him alone to care for your child. I left my “functioning, alcoholic”, ex-husband home alone for 30 minutes to put my three year-old immediately down for bed while I picked up my older child, came home to an empty house because “they wanted pizza” and called his cell only to have a police officer answer telling me to come get my 3 year old because they’d arrested my AH. He’d fallen asleep at the wheel in a neighborhood, wasted (I didn’t realize).
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Glad you stopped by, Clarabelle. No one feels better right after quitting drinking. Alcohol overwhelms the GABA (feel good) system in our brain, so the brain adjusts for this by producing less GABA and other feel good chemicals. When the person then stops drinking, the brain is producing less of those chemicals, and there are fewer functioning receptors.. so they feel crappy all the time. Moody, angry, depressed, etc. With time the brain will heal and become normal again, but in the first few months and even to a lesser degree the first year of recovery, the person will not be as happy as they will be after more than a year.
I would say he either needs to make a commitment to permanent recovery, or you might want to think about moving on. It will never get better as long as he's drinking, in fact it will get worse. Is this lonely, sexless, boring relationship what you really want?
I would say he either needs to make a commitment to permanent recovery, or you might want to think about moving on. It will never get better as long as he's drinking, in fact it will get worse. Is this lonely, sexless, boring relationship what you really want?
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Join Date: Oct 2022
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This sounds like me 6 months ago. I wish I had realized how bad it was before things came to a head. I've been watching Put The Shovel Down on YouTube, and it's a great resource, it helps you, and can also help you help them. It sounds to me like he's in a bargaining phase, which is actually a good sign. If you choose to stay it seems to me like the craft method (which is discussed on that YouTube channel) may be beneficial for you.
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