Well, I met him for coffee.
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Originally Posted by sage1969 
I come from a non - Christian background, so my understanding of expressing apologies and asking forgiveness includes an integral part, which is changing behaviors and actions so the transgression is not done again. Without making those changes, making apologies and offering forgiveness mean little.
Perhaps if you are asking for explanations, then that is where it may sound like justifications on his part.
Perhaps if you are asking for explanations, then that is where it may sound like justifications on his part.
I personally wanted reasons. because some of his reasons have shown his true character which is that he didnt care about my feelings. He put hers before mine. The cheating is where i'm really focused because that did the most damage. So he'll say "she comforted me when I was using and it turned into a relationship that should have never happened and she could tell i wasn't over you. She got mad but has since told me she appreciated the honesty and there's no hard feelings, we're friends". So again, its all about his alleged honesty with her and that they are all good, but when it came to me it was all lies and who cares how bad that hurt because he just wanted to be happy. It was the same when he got caught.. "i don't want to hurt her feelings/she gets attached easily/she is upset". So the justifications seem to help me understand his thinking and whether he's selfishly motivated or not? Sigh. Headache. Lol
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When it comes down to it, we can't truly understand another person. We can choose to allow them the space to vent / express / share (or we can choose to not do that). We can somewhat identify with experiences we have in common with them (or we can't identify with those experiences).
The ways he behaved aside from his addiction were awful. Your understanding is limited because you'd not behave in those ways. Attempting to place yourself into those scenarios to find understanding may not be successful because you simply wouldn't behave in those ways.
I went through a period of time when I truly wanted to understand all the whys and hows. It came down to the simple realizations that he was an addict behaving how an addict behaves *and* he was very different from me in values and goals, *and* therefore was just not the right person for me to be with.
The ways he behaved aside from his addiction were awful. Your understanding is limited because you'd not behave in those ways. Attempting to place yourself into those scenarios to find understanding may not be successful because you simply wouldn't behave in those ways.
I went through a period of time when I truly wanted to understand all the whys and hows. It came down to the simple realizations that he was an addict behaving how an addict behaves *and* he was very different from me in values and goals, *and* therefore was just not the right person for me to be with.
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Originally Posted by sage1969
It came down to the simple realizations that he was an addict behaving how an addict behaves *and* he was very different from me in values and goals, *and* therefore was just not the right person for me to be with.
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I understand wanting to know reasons, I'm like that too.
What I would expect to hear? After a person answered my questions on the "reasons" - there is no reason big enough to justify what I did - period. Sure people break up with people, yes, relationships fail, yes sometimes we hurt people.
The truth is, no matter why he did what he did at the time, his "higher self" knows the difference between right and wrong. Not following that is on him.
His justification there is just a bunch of BS. Or this thinking is that warped.
Is this his answer now? As in the other day? This kind of thinking is incredibly dangerous to be around, this is mind play. When people speak of things as normal when it is incredibly abnormal.
What I would expect to hear? After a person answered my questions on the "reasons" - there is no reason big enough to justify what I did - period. Sure people break up with people, yes, relationships fail, yes sometimes we hurt people.
The truth is, no matter why he did what he did at the time, his "higher self" knows the difference between right and wrong. Not following that is on him.
"i don't want to hurt her feelings/she gets attached easily/she is upset". So the justifications seem to help me understand his thinking and whether he's selfishly motivated or not?
Is this his answer now? As in the other day? This kind of thinking is incredibly dangerous to be around, this is mind play. When people speak of things as normal when it is incredibly abnormal.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I understand wanting to know reasons, I'm like that too.
What I would expect to hear? After a person answered my questions on the "reasons" - there is no reason big enough to justify what I did - period. Sure people break up with people, yes, relationships fail, yes sometimes we hurt people.
The truth is, no matter why he did what he did at the time, his "higher self" knows the difference between right and wrong. Not following that is on him.
His justification there is just a bunch of BS. Or this thinking is that warped.
Is this his answer now? As in the other day? This kind of thinking is incredibly dangerous to be around, this is mind play.
What I would expect to hear? After a person answered my questions on the "reasons" - there is no reason big enough to justify what I did - period. Sure people break up with people, yes, relationships fail, yes sometimes we hurt people.
The truth is, no matter why he did what he did at the time, his "higher self" knows the difference between right and wrong. Not following that is on him.
His justification there is just a bunch of BS. Or this thinking is that warped.
Is this his answer now? As in the other day? This kind of thinking is incredibly dangerous to be around, this is mind play.
Bit of a "i don't care what the outcome is" feel to it which makes me believe more and more he's just coming back out of lonliness and nostalgia.
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So you said, out of kindness - "so he doesn't have all this on his mind".
Why are you being so nice to him? Kindness is good, misplaced kindness is not good. Have you heard of JADE? You never have to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain yourself, in a situation such as this (as to why you don't care to meet right now).
You left yourself wide open for his abuse and that is exactly what he did, he didn't miss a beat. Translated: "It really doesn't matter what you have to say, I'm going to have a fun vacation!!".
Honestly, Batgirl, strangers would treat you better! I bet the guy at the gas station where you buy your gas is nicer to you!
Why are you being so nice to him? Kindness is good, misplaced kindness is not good. Have you heard of JADE? You never have to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain yourself, in a situation such as this (as to why you don't care to meet right now).
You left yourself wide open for his abuse and that is exactly what he did, he didn't miss a beat. Translated: "It really doesn't matter what you have to say, I'm going to have a fun vacation!!".
Honestly, Batgirl, strangers would treat you better! I bet the guy at the gas station where you buy your gas is nicer to you!
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Forgive me for this, but it certainly seems as though you are putting in more mental energy to this than he is. Is he worth all of this effort? Is he really someone who has such sterling qualities that it takes up this amount of your time and mental energy? What if you walked away? What is the fear?
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I just wanted to say (in case what I said sounded harsh, which it might!) that in no way is this "blaming" you or trying to make you feel bad, not at all, I wouldn't do that. He, on the other hand, would!
Actually when I wrote that I was a bit angry - at him. When I read what he wrote my first reaction was - as to a reply - f-off then.
Truly.
You know, whether he is just a jerk by nature or a recovering addict jerk or if he has learned behaviours that make him this uncaring and cold, impossible to say. But I think sometimes something that is overlooked when we are "hoping" someone will get sober and be their best self is that it doesn't always (and seems to quite often not) turn out that way.
We can't forget that the lifestyle they have been living, even if it doesn't involve all the nasty, underhanded things this guy did, is that that they have indeed been living that lifestyle. Years (probably) of shame and regret and avoiding feelings and avoiding taking on anyone else's worries or cares and etc etc. Just that alone would be a huge challenge to adjust in sobriety.
Add all the other stuff this guy has on top of that and that's a mountain to climb.
That is not to say it can't be done, it can, I read success stories in newcomers to recovery all the time. People who have overcome huge personal obstacles to remain sober and on a really good track for themselves.
That's not this guy, certainly not now. Those behaviours, the lack of compassion and empathy and basic decency (like being kind and polite) are lacking here. He, should he choose to, has a long way to go to become a better person to be around, if he ever chooses that of course.
Actually when I wrote that I was a bit angry - at him. When I read what he wrote my first reaction was - as to a reply - f-off then.
Truly.
You know, whether he is just a jerk by nature or a recovering addict jerk or if he has learned behaviours that make him this uncaring and cold, impossible to say. But I think sometimes something that is overlooked when we are "hoping" someone will get sober and be their best self is that it doesn't always (and seems to quite often not) turn out that way.
We can't forget that the lifestyle they have been living, even if it doesn't involve all the nasty, underhanded things this guy did, is that that they have indeed been living that lifestyle. Years (probably) of shame and regret and avoiding feelings and avoiding taking on anyone else's worries or cares and etc etc. Just that alone would be a huge challenge to adjust in sobriety.
Add all the other stuff this guy has on top of that and that's a mountain to climb.
That is not to say it can't be done, it can, I read success stories in newcomers to recovery all the time. People who have overcome huge personal obstacles to remain sober and on a really good track for themselves.
That's not this guy, certainly not now. Those behaviours, the lack of compassion and empathy and basic decency (like being kind and polite) are lacking here. He, should he choose to, has a long way to go to become a better person to be around, if he ever chooses that of course.
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Originally Posted by Batgirl273
I don't know what genuine remorse looks like, i have no idea if he is capable of being completely honest, and to trust him again may never happen.
One thing thats been evident in talking to him since coffee is that he's still pretty self absorbed. He'll text me when he has something to say, but will leave me on read when I reply or I text him and say something he's not interested in (like he'll ask what i did today and i'll reply and then nothing). That behavior hasn't changed.
One thing thats been evident in talking to him since coffee is that he's still pretty self absorbed. He'll text me when he has something to say, but will leave me on read when I reply or I text him and say something he's not interested in (like he'll ask what i did today and i'll reply and then nothing). That behavior hasn't changed.
All this speculating and ruminating wouldn't be happening if he expressed genuine remorse. Granted, I'm spit-balling here, but could it be that he cheated because he's (1) selfish, (2) self-absorbed, and (3) lacks self-esteem, so seeks validation through his women "friends."
Don't be totally sure he didn't indulge in a physical affair. Regardless, I'd suggest you ask him a straightforward question. If you don't receive an honest, simple, direct response consider withdrawing from this dance. Because, ultimately, this is a dance in which you are both indulging. He can't dance without a willing partner. Consider that.
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Originally Posted by ErinGoBragh
What does genuine remorse look like? It looks like plain, straightforward answers to straightforward questions. Even if it's "I really don't know," that can be a step in the right direction.
All this speculating and ruminating wouldn't be happening if he expressed genuine remorse. Granted, I'm spit-balling here, but could it be that he cheated because he's (1) selfish, (2) self-absorbed, and (3) lacks self-esteem, so seeks validation through his women "friends."
Don't be totally sure he didn't indulge in a physical affair. Regardless, I'd suggest you ask him a straightforward question. If you don't receive an honest, simple, direct response consider withdrawing from this dance. Because, ultimately, this is a dance in which you are both indulging. He can't dance without a willing partner. Consider that.
All this speculating and ruminating wouldn't be happening if he expressed genuine remorse. Granted, I'm spit-balling here, but could it be that he cheated because he's (1) selfish, (2) self-absorbed, and (3) lacks self-esteem, so seeks validation through his women "friends."
Don't be totally sure he didn't indulge in a physical affair. Regardless, I'd suggest you ask him a straightforward question. If you don't receive an honest, simple, direct response consider withdrawing from this dance. Because, ultimately, this is a dance in which you are both indulging. He can't dance without a willing partner. Consider that.
On the cheating: he went where he felt supported and comforted. He said he reached out to her one random drunk night, she replied in kind, and it spiraled from there. He was hesitant because she had a child, so thats why he kept me on the line instead of ending things to pursue that - he didn't know what he wanted, he just felt comfortable telling her things he felt he couldn't tell me (because I'd get mad, or would implement consequences/boundaries, etc). He told me that she was more caring and concerned about him than I was, but he also recognized it was because I was looking after my own wellbeing. He then all but admitted he used her as a cushion to deal with our break up and in the months as he sobered up, he realized 'what he lost'. He said they never had sex until after I cut him out of my life and it was a handful of times over 2 years. He justified that he was not emotionally into it and didn't enjoy it for many reasons but one being he didn't love her and he was stuck on me.
He genuinely seemed sorry and understanding of the pain he caused me as I described it and asked questions. He didn't hesitate answering any. I did not, for once, get the vibe that he was lying or manipulating information like he has before.
That said, 24 hrs later and he's asking me to go out on Friday night. I told him I wasn't sure how I felt about that and I need time. He got a bit irked and said "forget I asked." It seems as though he's hoping all is fine now and we can reconnect by going on dates. I told him I don't know what happens next. He tends to go silent once things don't go his way either. He pulls way back when conversations are going well but then i throw in a reminder that we are not good. He calls it too heavy, I call it healing. I don't anticipate this ending well and I really question his motives here. I think i'm a void filler as he reaches a year sober and he just doesn't want to be honest with himself. I've kind of thrown my hands up at this point. I'm not steering this reunion.
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supporting him into sobriety.
On the cheating: he went where he felt supported and comforted.
A real answer (after giving you his thought process at the time perhaps) would be closer to, he completely screwed up, there is no justification for what he did. he behaved horribly. Did he say what he did was wrong? The he would never behave that way again?
That said, 24 hrs later and he's asking me to go out on Friday night. I told him I wasn't sure how I felt about that and I need time. He got a bit irked and said "forget I asked."
Do you find him to be quite immature?
I forget BG - do you have alcoholism or dysfunction in your family somewhere?
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I don't even know what that means.
If person A. is not supporting you or comforting you or you just don't want that relationship anymore - that's fine, nothing wrong with that. People break up all the time. He decided to cheat, what he said is not a reason or a justification, it's just him justifying it to himself.
A real answer (after giving you his thought process at the time perhaps) would be closer to, he completely screwed up, there is no justification for what he did. he behaved horribly. Did he say what he did was wrong? The he would never behave that way again?
A perfect example of what happens when you say "no" to him.
Do you find him to be quite immature?
I forget BG - do you have alcoholism or dysfunction in your family somewhere?
If person A. is not supporting you or comforting you or you just don't want that relationship anymore - that's fine, nothing wrong with that. People break up all the time. He decided to cheat, what he said is not a reason or a justification, it's just him justifying it to himself.
A real answer (after giving you his thought process at the time perhaps) would be closer to, he completely screwed up, there is no justification for what he did. he behaved horribly. Did he say what he did was wrong? The he would never behave that way again?
A perfect example of what happens when you say "no" to him.
Do you find him to be quite immature?
I forget BG - do you have alcoholism or dysfunction in your family somewhere?
He's never been one to like 'no'. He's not great with boundaries or rejection.
My grandparents were alcoholics, and my biological dad (who left when I was 3). My mom remarried an alcoholic who is a very nice, hard working man though I know they've had their ugly fights too. I was not exposed to alcohol much as a kid, my mom did a good job sheltering me from it, however i wouldn't call her relationships a healthy example.
He hasn't replied to me since I told him going out on Friday was not a good idea for now. He said "you're right" and left it there. I suspect he is on the apps and keeps looking. I understand he doesn't want to deal with this heavy emotional work, but that was a risk he took by coming back and if he actually did the work, he would have known approaching me was going to be difficult. I figured if I let this play out long enough, true colors would show and it seems they already are after a week. It appears he thinks this is like every other break up we've had when he was using, where things got rugswept and we fell back into honeymoon. Its definetely not.
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Originally Posted by Seren
Forgive me for this, but it certainly seems as though you are putting in more mental energy to this than he is. Is he worth all of this effort? Is he really someone who has such sterling qualities that it takes up this amount of your time and mental energy? What if you walked away? What is the fear?
Man i love this board. It really helps to have others who get it and are able to point out behaviors that indicate the merry go round is starting.
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I suppose on the upside (if there is one), you got answers to questions you had. So those will stop swirling around in your mind as they probably did from time to time - however they will probably take a week or two to settle as well. At least you don't have to go through months of it.
It's good he knows what he did was wrong. I mean assuming he was telling the truth. He sounds immature and I don't mean that as an insult to him. I don't know how long he has been an alcoholic but his emotional coping mechanisms seem underdeveloped?
You know, the reason I asked about alcoholism in your family is because you seem to have a very high tolerance for poor treatment. I completely understand this. It's one of the hallmarks of growing up in a household where alcoholism is present.
Even though your Mom may have tried to protect you from the worst of it you did learn that he could treat her badly, possibly quite badly, sometimes and she stayed anyway? That you don't leave people even if they treat you badly. You are loyal.
That's a tough thing to break. I know. In fact it is probably something you will need to be aware of always and push back against. Or you could try therapy to deal with it as well.
I think many people think that even if you grow up with alcoholism in the family that surely the kids see other examples of good relationships, heck don't they watch Brady Bunch reruns! Where parents speak well to each other and of each other. That there is no need for one parent to protect everyone from the other parent. They see the families of their school friends etc etc.
Well, I don't think it works that way at all. You may see that outside your home but that's not your "normal" that's not what you experience every day and you can't apply it to yourself as you would if those were your parents.
You do have a bond to this guy and I am no expert on how to break it, but looking in to narcissistic relationships (not saying he is one, but there can be similarities and similar ways to break that bond) and trauma bonding might be a good start. Richard Gannon on youtube is a good resource.
Also there is a website for ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) that you might find interesting.
It's good he knows what he did was wrong. I mean assuming he was telling the truth. He sounds immature and I don't mean that as an insult to him. I don't know how long he has been an alcoholic but his emotional coping mechanisms seem underdeveloped?
You know, the reason I asked about alcoholism in your family is because you seem to have a very high tolerance for poor treatment. I completely understand this. It's one of the hallmarks of growing up in a household where alcoholism is present.
Even though your Mom may have tried to protect you from the worst of it you did learn that he could treat her badly, possibly quite badly, sometimes and she stayed anyway? That you don't leave people even if they treat you badly. You are loyal.
That's a tough thing to break. I know. In fact it is probably something you will need to be aware of always and push back against. Or you could try therapy to deal with it as well.
I think many people think that even if you grow up with alcoholism in the family that surely the kids see other examples of good relationships, heck don't they watch Brady Bunch reruns! Where parents speak well to each other and of each other. That there is no need for one parent to protect everyone from the other parent. They see the families of their school friends etc etc.
Well, I don't think it works that way at all. You may see that outside your home but that's not your "normal" that's not what you experience every day and you can't apply it to yourself as you would if those were your parents.
You do have a bond to this guy and I am no expert on how to break it, but looking in to narcissistic relationships (not saying he is one, but there can be similarities and similar ways to break that bond) and trauma bonding might be a good start. Richard Gannon on youtube is a good resource.
Also there is a website for ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) that you might find interesting.
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I'm not great at forgiveness. I do come from a Christian background, so I am morally obligated to forgive others as my Higher Power forgives me. [pesky parity, there!] It is not a quick or easy process for me, it takes time. That said, forgiving someone doesn't mean I have to welcome that person back into my life, it just means I don't expend energy into acts of vengeance or wishing a building falls on him or her. I've forgiven people I wouldn't trust to water my plants while I'm on vacation. They haven't changed.
As someone for whom this doesn't come easily: when I'm done, I'm done. There is little point (in my life) of re-involving myself with someone who has harmed me because I will never, ever feel the same way as I did before it happened. Some may feel that's a character defect on my part. So be it. I would add that since I will never trust that someone completely, I would be wasting his time in dating him. In the end, forgiveness or not I won't change my mind about that person's reliability. It would be a kindness to tell him to move on.
As someone for whom this doesn't come easily: when I'm done, I'm done. There is little point (in my life) of re-involving myself with someone who has harmed me because I will never, ever feel the same way as I did before it happened. Some may feel that's a character defect on my part. So be it. I would add that since I will never trust that someone completely, I would be wasting his time in dating him. In the end, forgiveness or not I won't change my mind about that person's reliability. It would be a kindness to tell him to move on.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I suppose on the upside (if there is one), you got answers to questions you had. So those will stop swirling around in your mind as they probably did from time to time - however they will probably take a week or two to settle as well. At least you don't have to go through months of it.
It's good he knows what he did was wrong. I mean assuming he was telling the truth. He sounds immature and I don't mean that as an insult to him. I don't know how long he has been an alcoholic but his emotional coping mechanisms seem underdeveloped?
You know, the reason I asked about alcoholism in your family is because you seem to have a very high tolerance for poor treatment. I completely understand this. It's one of the hallmarks of growing up in a household where alcoholism is present.
Even though your Mom may have tried to protect you from the worst of it you did learn that he could treat her badly, possibly quite badly, sometimes and she stayed anyway? That you don't leave people even if they treat you badly. You are loyal.
That's a tough thing to break. I know. In fact it is probably something you will need to be aware of always and push back against. Or you could try therapy to deal with it as well.
I think many people think that even if you grow up with alcoholism in the family that surely the kids see other examples of good relationships, heck don't they watch Brady Bunch reruns! Where parents speak well to each other and of each other. That there is no need for one parent to protect everyone from the other parent. They see the families of their school friends etc etc.
Well, I don't think it works that way at all. You may see that outside your home but that's not your "normal" that's not what you experience every day and you can't apply it to yourself as you would if those were your parents.
You do have a bond to this guy and I am no expert on how to break it, but looking in to narcissistic relationships (not saying he is one, but there can be similarities and similar ways to break that bond) and trauma bonding might be a good start. Richard Gannon on youtube is a good resource.
Also there is a website for ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) that you might find interesting.
It's good he knows what he did was wrong. I mean assuming he was telling the truth. He sounds immature and I don't mean that as an insult to him. I don't know how long he has been an alcoholic but his emotional coping mechanisms seem underdeveloped?
You know, the reason I asked about alcoholism in your family is because you seem to have a very high tolerance for poor treatment. I completely understand this. It's one of the hallmarks of growing up in a household where alcoholism is present.
Even though your Mom may have tried to protect you from the worst of it you did learn that he could treat her badly, possibly quite badly, sometimes and she stayed anyway? That you don't leave people even if they treat you badly. You are loyal.
That's a tough thing to break. I know. In fact it is probably something you will need to be aware of always and push back against. Or you could try therapy to deal with it as well.
I think many people think that even if you grow up with alcoholism in the family that surely the kids see other examples of good relationships, heck don't they watch Brady Bunch reruns! Where parents speak well to each other and of each other. That there is no need for one parent to protect everyone from the other parent. They see the families of their school friends etc etc.
Well, I don't think it works that way at all. You may see that outside your home but that's not your "normal" that's not what you experience every day and you can't apply it to yourself as you would if those were your parents.
You do have a bond to this guy and I am no expert on how to break it, but looking in to narcissistic relationships (not saying he is one, but there can be similarities and similar ways to break that bond) and trauma bonding might be a good start. Richard Gannon on youtube is a good resource.
Also there is a website for ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) that you might find interesting.
I am loyal. I love and love hard. I've been married before, and with my ex husband, I knew 6 months into dating he wasn't the guy for me but I stayed 7 years and married him. Combination of thinking it was the best I could do, I didn't want to die an old maid (things we think at 30 huh) and that he just "had some trauma and needed compassion". No. He had mental issues he chose to never stabilize, he was a liar and bad with money and stealing from our house accounts. I was never attracted to him. I felt stuck because of the assets and financial tangling but I eventually left and was way better off for it.
With this most recent ex... i met him when i was in the best shape of my life mentally and physically. About 2 years after my divorce. He was a welcome burst of fun, attraction and financially independent. Sure, he liked to have a few beers, and drank them quickly, I overlooked the seriousness of that because I gave the benefit of the doubt. As I realized there was a bigger problem and he told me he needed help during our many break ups, my 'fixer' kicked in. So.. i try to walk away but then get sucked back in with the guilt of abandoning someone who asks for help. I'm a pretty strong person. I have my life together and mentally I am quite resilient. So its like i let others empty my cup because i know i'll be fine and they need it more if that makes sense. But then i'm the one left hurt and damaged at the end because they wouldn't do the same for me. In a world full of bad, and I see the bad everyday through work, when I want someone to be one of the good ones, I have a hard time seeing they're not.
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I have found the Universe keeps sending me the same lessons in different disguises until I get it and learn and move forward.
Sounds like you may be getting the same option with a different guy in this current iteration—what do you think?
Sounds like you may be getting the same option with a different guy in this current iteration—what do you think?
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Yeah I understand. You are also describing the flipside. Although you may feel you are mentally resilient (you obviously are) there is a limit. You may not even know you are reaching that limit until you are teetering on the edge of it.
I was that resilient person too. I think sometimes (and I'm not saying this is you, although it's worth pondering I suppose) we wonder if there is a limit, maybe even feel we are reaching that limit but don't know a different way, so carry on. I also liked to fix what I could, but never tried to "fix" someone else, I always knew that was not my place and not my call. I did, however, put up with a lot of bad treatment.
Eventually (over a long period of time) that all came crumbling down in a nice heap at my feet. I knew for sure I was reaching my limit when I started having panic attacks, completely out of the blue. I won't bore you will all the details of climbing my way back out of that, however what I learned was you aren't actually doing yourself or anyone else any favours. It's also a horrible waste of time having to patch all that up afterward. Kind of like holding a glass in your hand. If you think, wow this is getting heavy, I should put that down, but continue to hold on to it and eventually drop it and it breaks all over the floor. Much easier to set it down on the counter and think of a better way to do things than to clean up that glass on the floor, it takes a lot of time.
At the end of the day, your ex needs to stand on his own two feet. He is not a puppy or a child (although his emotional reactions do somewhat mirror a child's). Kids don't like boundaries either, they don't like to be told no and they don't like it when they don't get what they want when they want it. Neither does your ex.
How on earth can you help him with that? Honestly you can't, that's inside work that needs to be done on his part (undoubtedly with professional help) to shake that self-centered world view and grow up.
Perhaps don't make any more excuses for him? There is nothing he did that can be excused. He's just not a nice guy. Now do you have the resilience to put up with that again, maybe, but do you want to?
Wouldn't that energy be better spent on yourself. I mean that sincerely. Being resilient like you are often means pushing your own needs and wants aside and stuffing down a lot of stuff. Maybe take a look at that stuff. What do you want? Where do you want to put your energy? What is your future, who is your ideal partner? Are there things you want to do, travel? Join a drama group, learn to knit? I don't know! But there must be things where your smarts and your energy could be directed that don't involve fixing him.
There are a lot of people in this world that would welcome your help, maybe a school volunteer, maybe reading to people, shelters, long term care homes, volunteer opportunities that will allow you to use your caring nature in a positive way.
Oh and the empathy - that can be controlled, maybe that's another thing to look at as well? Misplaced compassion and empathy is - yeah well you already know how that goes lol.
I was that resilient person too. I think sometimes (and I'm not saying this is you, although it's worth pondering I suppose) we wonder if there is a limit, maybe even feel we are reaching that limit but don't know a different way, so carry on. I also liked to fix what I could, but never tried to "fix" someone else, I always knew that was not my place and not my call. I did, however, put up with a lot of bad treatment.
Eventually (over a long period of time) that all came crumbling down in a nice heap at my feet. I knew for sure I was reaching my limit when I started having panic attacks, completely out of the blue. I won't bore you will all the details of climbing my way back out of that, however what I learned was you aren't actually doing yourself or anyone else any favours. It's also a horrible waste of time having to patch all that up afterward. Kind of like holding a glass in your hand. If you think, wow this is getting heavy, I should put that down, but continue to hold on to it and eventually drop it and it breaks all over the floor. Much easier to set it down on the counter and think of a better way to do things than to clean up that glass on the floor, it takes a lot of time.
At the end of the day, your ex needs to stand on his own two feet. He is not a puppy or a child (although his emotional reactions do somewhat mirror a child's). Kids don't like boundaries either, they don't like to be told no and they don't like it when they don't get what they want when they want it. Neither does your ex.
How on earth can you help him with that? Honestly you can't, that's inside work that needs to be done on his part (undoubtedly with professional help) to shake that self-centered world view and grow up.
Perhaps don't make any more excuses for him? There is nothing he did that can be excused. He's just not a nice guy. Now do you have the resilience to put up with that again, maybe, but do you want to?
Wouldn't that energy be better spent on yourself. I mean that sincerely. Being resilient like you are often means pushing your own needs and wants aside and stuffing down a lot of stuff. Maybe take a look at that stuff. What do you want? Where do you want to put your energy? What is your future, who is your ideal partner? Are there things you want to do, travel? Join a drama group, learn to knit? I don't know! But there must be things where your smarts and your energy could be directed that don't involve fixing him.
There are a lot of people in this world that would welcome your help, maybe a school volunteer, maybe reading to people, shelters, long term care homes, volunteer opportunities that will allow you to use your caring nature in a positive way.
Oh and the empathy - that can be controlled, maybe that's another thing to look at as well? Misplaced compassion and empathy is - yeah well you already know how that goes lol.
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