Any messages of hope?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2022
Posts: 2
Any messages of hope?
Hi everyone,
I am a long-time lurker here and I just want to say thank you to you all. Reading through these posts helped me navigate and finally seperate from my AB nearly 2 years ago. Since then I have tried to rebuild my life. I've made new friends, have travelled, have a new job and started a degree but mostly I've taken some time deal with what I suspect has been some PTSD symptoms, trembling, feeling panicky, nightmares etc. I feel like I've made some progress but I constantly question whether that period of my life ever happened. If it was even real, I felt like I was living in a horror movie whereas I look around at other people with peaceful lives and that doesn't feel real either. For a long time I felt the urge to yell at people in the street with their partner to run away because I felt like everyone was lying and hiding something. I'm glad that's passed now but I still feel I feel like I don't trust myself anymore, I constantly ask family about the intentions of other people in my life and try and analyse everything. My friends and family keep telling me I'm doing so well and I'm so strong. I just want to feel peaceful and happy again.
I hope one day soon I will be able to share my story (I don't feel strong enough to yet) but right now I ask for any messages of hope. For those of you who 3, 4, 5+ years in the future after moving on/leaving addict partner how has your life changed for the better? Did you find healthy love? Is it possible? Did you find peace? Does the panic, constantly questioning your sense of reality/confusion ever get better?
TYSM,
Lighthouse
I am a long-time lurker here and I just want to say thank you to you all. Reading through these posts helped me navigate and finally seperate from my AB nearly 2 years ago. Since then I have tried to rebuild my life. I've made new friends, have travelled, have a new job and started a degree but mostly I've taken some time deal with what I suspect has been some PTSD symptoms, trembling, feeling panicky, nightmares etc. I feel like I've made some progress but I constantly question whether that period of my life ever happened. If it was even real, I felt like I was living in a horror movie whereas I look around at other people with peaceful lives and that doesn't feel real either. For a long time I felt the urge to yell at people in the street with their partner to run away because I felt like everyone was lying and hiding something. I'm glad that's passed now but I still feel I feel like I don't trust myself anymore, I constantly ask family about the intentions of other people in my life and try and analyse everything. My friends and family keep telling me I'm doing so well and I'm so strong. I just want to feel peaceful and happy again.
I hope one day soon I will be able to share my story (I don't feel strong enough to yet) but right now I ask for any messages of hope. For those of you who 3, 4, 5+ years in the future after moving on/leaving addict partner how has your life changed for the better? Did you find healthy love? Is it possible? Did you find peace? Does the panic, constantly questioning your sense of reality/confusion ever get better?
TYSM,
Lighthouse
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Hi Lighthouse. Although I haven't been through that same experience exactly, I think I know what you are talking about.
Do you question if that was even you there at the time? Not as in physically of course, but mentally. You might think of yourself now and think, what the hell was I doing? Why did I stay, what was I thinking?
The key to moving past that feeling of paranoia (for lack of a better term) about other people and other couples and even about yourself ever having a good relationship, is realizing that was indeed you, but not as you are now. The reason that is key is because you can trust yourself now (but it may not seem like it because you stayed).
It's, usually, not like to step in to that kind of dysfunction and it's just horrible from day one. There can be a really sweet time at the beginning, where the alcoholic or other disordered person can be absolutely charming. Eventually the mask starts to slip and it gets worse and worse, but you are already all in. You are still looking for how it used to be, surely it can be fixed?
So once you realize that you didn't just get slapped in the head and put up with it from day one, that it slowly crept in to the relationship, perhaps you might start to forgive yourself.
I have been in a dysfunctional relationship and really it was from the beginning, but it was like a great dysfunction lol - all compliments and adoration. It started to turn but still there were some good times. Eventually I ended it and I didn't trust my perception about anything serious. So I enlisted the help of a trusted family member to bounce things off of, which worked well for me. Eventually, after several months, I started to get my footing back.
Self esteem is also key here, it's possible yours has taken a beating. When you are not feeling good about yourself, other people seem threatening.
Yes, you can have PTSD, what you have been through has probably been quite traumatic. Have you had any counselling or therapy at all? Is it possible that you would be able to?
Do you question if that was even you there at the time? Not as in physically of course, but mentally. You might think of yourself now and think, what the hell was I doing? Why did I stay, what was I thinking?
The key to moving past that feeling of paranoia (for lack of a better term) about other people and other couples and even about yourself ever having a good relationship, is realizing that was indeed you, but not as you are now. The reason that is key is because you can trust yourself now (but it may not seem like it because you stayed).
It's, usually, not like to step in to that kind of dysfunction and it's just horrible from day one. There can be a really sweet time at the beginning, where the alcoholic or other disordered person can be absolutely charming. Eventually the mask starts to slip and it gets worse and worse, but you are already all in. You are still looking for how it used to be, surely it can be fixed?
So once you realize that you didn't just get slapped in the head and put up with it from day one, that it slowly crept in to the relationship, perhaps you might start to forgive yourself.
I have been in a dysfunctional relationship and really it was from the beginning, but it was like a great dysfunction lol - all compliments and adoration. It started to turn but still there were some good times. Eventually I ended it and I didn't trust my perception about anything serious. So I enlisted the help of a trusted family member to bounce things off of, which worked well for me. Eventually, after several months, I started to get my footing back.
Self esteem is also key here, it's possible yours has taken a beating. When you are not feeling good about yourself, other people seem threatening.
Yes, you can have PTSD, what you have been through has probably been quite traumatic. Have you had any counselling or therapy at all? Is it possible that you would be able to?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Lighthouse, and Welcome,
I'm very glad you found us, but very sorry for the reasons why you had to search.
There is plenty of hope for your future! You have found a place where people will completely understand what you've been through, what you are going through, and how they have found their own peace.
I'm very glad you found us, but very sorry for the reasons why you had to search.
There is plenty of hope for your future! You have found a place where people will completely understand what you've been through, what you are going through, and how they have found their own peace.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
I spent 25 years with an alcoholic husband before he died. Unlike you, I didn't have the guts to leave.
I had started to detach from him, though years before he died.
Once I started dating, though, it was easier for me to separate the potential keepers from the ones I threw back into the pond. I was frustrated and lonely sometimes (Honestly, I didn't have a lot of dates.) In the back of my mind, I held tight to the thought that being alone was more healthy than being bound emotionally or legally to the wrong person. There was a really good chance I would remain unpaired: by the time my AH died, I was 53. At that point, there are fewer men compared to women. Some of the remaining are partnered up, some of them aren't partner material.
I sort of looked at it as a kind of sociological study rather than dating. (Why is this person still bitter about a divorce 24 years ago? Why is this person trying to sell pottery and watercolor paintings and couch surfing at a friend's apartment instead of supporting himself working as an electrician? He has an awesome sense of humor, but I swore I'd never live with a smoker again - and I'm sticking to that)
Even so, I found someone. He is a blessing in my life.
My downfall wasn't PTSD but just plain old bitterness at my late AH and my own inaction. I now realize that at some point he just wasn't capable of quitting any more.
I had started to detach from him, though years before he died.
Once I started dating, though, it was easier for me to separate the potential keepers from the ones I threw back into the pond. I was frustrated and lonely sometimes (Honestly, I didn't have a lot of dates.) In the back of my mind, I held tight to the thought that being alone was more healthy than being bound emotionally or legally to the wrong person. There was a really good chance I would remain unpaired: by the time my AH died, I was 53. At that point, there are fewer men compared to women. Some of the remaining are partnered up, some of them aren't partner material.
I sort of looked at it as a kind of sociological study rather than dating. (Why is this person still bitter about a divorce 24 years ago? Why is this person trying to sell pottery and watercolor paintings and couch surfing at a friend's apartment instead of supporting himself working as an electrician? He has an awesome sense of humor, but I swore I'd never live with a smoker again - and I'm sticking to that)
Even so, I found someone. He is a blessing in my life.
My downfall wasn't PTSD but just plain old bitterness at my late AH and my own inaction. I now realize that at some point he just wasn't capable of quitting any more.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 122
I'm over a year out from my XAB and I am dating someone. Could he end up being a psychopath? Could he be an addict? Possibly. But I am better prepared to say no thanks to such things than I was before.
I had similar PTSD symptoms. There's a really good youtube video on nightmare rescripting if you google it which may help you?
I would say writing it down helped alot. I now look back and I think "who is that girl?". It really does feel like another lifetime, another person. I frame it as a chapter of my life which is now closed.
I had similar PTSD symptoms. There's a really good youtube video on nightmare rescripting if you google it which may help you?
I would say writing it down helped alot. I now look back and I think "who is that girl?". It really does feel like another lifetime, another person. I frame it as a chapter of my life which is now closed.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi lighthouse,
Just a general dose of encouragement here!
Healing takes time and as long as you are reaching out and (importantly) accepting help you will continue to grow every day, month, year.
Do you have a therapist helping to guide you?
Do you have specific goals in therapy?
Are you being friendly with yourself, reframing harsh self-talk or judgment with a kinder voice or script (loving the vulnerable parts of ourself the way we desire others to love us)?
I just keep trying everything and building my toolbox. And when I have a bad day I try to remember a good day - what did I choose to do that day that helped it be a better day (not what external things happened). Like, did I eat well that day? Stay hydrated? Did I take a walk in a pretty place? Laugh? Go to the library? Meditate? Exercise? Have a therapy session? Write in my journal? Utilize my cognitive behavior reframing methods?
Sometimes when I feel crappy and low I have to push myself to do those things, like the smallest thing can feel like t o o m u c h!!
Yet - I do feel better when I apply even one tiny bit of anything I've learned is helpful.
Baby steps in any of these areas will still move you towards a more peaceful state mind.
The dynamic I lived through with the alcoholics in my family was very intense, scary, and it took time and work to get to a place where I can now, A. Recognize when I find myself swimming in that sea again, and B. Utilize whatever tools I have to get back in my snug safe boat and navigate to calmer waters. I can choose to leave the past in the past, I can choose to be warm and kind to myself when I'm struggling, I can choose to step away from people or situations that push my buttons and then calmly analyze for myself what is in my control and how I want to move forward.
And remember, there's nothing "wrong" with you!
Peace,
B.
Just a general dose of encouragement here!
Healing takes time and as long as you are reaching out and (importantly) accepting help you will continue to grow every day, month, year.
Do you have a therapist helping to guide you?
Do you have specific goals in therapy?
Are you being friendly with yourself, reframing harsh self-talk or judgment with a kinder voice or script (loving the vulnerable parts of ourself the way we desire others to love us)?
I just keep trying everything and building my toolbox. And when I have a bad day I try to remember a good day - what did I choose to do that day that helped it be a better day (not what external things happened). Like, did I eat well that day? Stay hydrated? Did I take a walk in a pretty place? Laugh? Go to the library? Meditate? Exercise? Have a therapy session? Write in my journal? Utilize my cognitive behavior reframing methods?
Sometimes when I feel crappy and low I have to push myself to do those things, like the smallest thing can feel like t o o m u c h!!
Yet - I do feel better when I apply even one tiny bit of anything I've learned is helpful.
Baby steps in any of these areas will still move you towards a more peaceful state mind.
The dynamic I lived through with the alcoholics in my family was very intense, scary, and it took time and work to get to a place where I can now, A. Recognize when I find myself swimming in that sea again, and B. Utilize whatever tools I have to get back in my snug safe boat and navigate to calmer waters. I can choose to leave the past in the past, I can choose to be warm and kind to myself when I'm struggling, I can choose to step away from people or situations that push my buttons and then calmly analyze for myself what is in my control and how I want to move forward.
And remember, there's nothing "wrong" with you!
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Hello lighthouse. glad you found the courage to post!! I'm nearly 5 years on from leaving my alcoholic and drug addicted (ex) husband. I have certainly found peace, that took about 4 years. I have found healthy love for myself. The most valuable lesson I have learned is to practise self care. I am not looking for romantic love or someone else to "be with". I´m learning how to love myself. I suffer from abandonment issues due to my childhood and what I have come to realise is that during my marriage I actually abandoned myself. I became very ill and was in total denial about it.
I totally get what you mean about feeling like what you´re living isn´t even your life. Sometimes during my life collapse I asked my higher power to sack the script writer. It was as if I was in a really bad soap opera and I didn´t want to play the part I was given.
Give it time. Be kind to yourself. I kind of missed the chaos for a long time. My life felt a bit empty without it but now I love the peace. I was feeling a bit lonely so I got a dog. My whole reality has changed. Nearly everything about my life is different now. But there is still something that is very much the same me. That´s the thing I try to nurture. The part that is wounded but still so strong. When your friends and family say you are doing well and you are so strong, it´s because you are doing well and you are so strong.
I totally get what you mean about feeling like what you´re living isn´t even your life. Sometimes during my life collapse I asked my higher power to sack the script writer. It was as if I was in a really bad soap opera and I didn´t want to play the part I was given.
Give it time. Be kind to yourself. I kind of missed the chaos for a long time. My life felt a bit empty without it but now I love the peace. I was feeling a bit lonely so I got a dog. My whole reality has changed. Nearly everything about my life is different now. But there is still something that is very much the same me. That´s the thing I try to nurture. The part that is wounded but still so strong. When your friends and family say you are doing well and you are so strong, it´s because you are doing well and you are so strong.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,696
Originally Posted by lighthouse22 
For those of you who 3, 4, 5+ years in the future after moving on/leaving addict partner how has your life changed for the better? Did you find healthy love? Is it possible? Did you find peace? Does the panic, constantly questioning your sense of reality/confusion ever get better?
I found and married a lovely, supportive, non-addicted man who shares my dreams and holds my hand while I fall asleep. He is a gift from my HP. We have 2 awesome kids together, and he has raised my oldest son with great love as his own. I found a wonderful job in a fulfilling field.
So, I am a success story. But I'm also, now, and addict in active recovery.
Grief, loss, trauma, PTSD, and/or close proximity to addiction CHANGES you. For me, it took about a decade post trauma for my life to slow down enough that the feelings of loss surrounding my loved one's addiction could creep in. And I didn't want 'em. So, I found a chemical solution to the feelings, that worked splendidly....until it didn't. And I was in a mess.
I write all this to say: Pay attention to your heart, head, soul, spirit NOW. Take care of you. Slow down. Feel. Grieve. Cry. Go to an awesome, expensive therapist. It's undoubtedly worth it!
I ended up in a very dark place because I tried to take a shortcut through the pain. You don't have to do that!
Take your time. God gave me a wonderful partner, but if I don't take care of my emotional, spiritual health I will lose EVERYTHING. That has always been true, but, for some strange reason, it struck me as selfish to put myself first years ago when it was so crucial.
Put yourself first for now. Forever. Take care of you and the rest will follow.
Much love,
TC
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
I'm 7 years in from the death of my AH (to whom I was married 10+ years), and 1 1/2 years in from breaking off with XABF. I'm 1 1/2 years sober. I have worked really hard on my codependency issues. I still have harder days, but I'd say most days I feel peace and acceptance with my life now. I'm a very different person now, and I live a quiet and simple life -- I would not recognise me if I was peeking forward from my past into my future. I am seeing someone, and it is a comfortable, calm relationship. I'd have to say that they are very much a solid, "rock" type of personality, calm and pretty much unflappable. There's none of that "butterflies" feeling that I picked up in my other relationships, which for me I've found is a red flag and my intuition shouting that I've come across another alcoholic / addict / unhealthy dynamic.
I'd say the hardest part for me accepting my reality now was that I really had to let go of many societal norms. I use social media for my business but rarely use my personal accounts. I'm particular about social engagements and say " thank you, no" to anything that brings up any anxiety or questioning myself. I value my peace over trying to fit in, and have found peace with that.
It really just takes time. Everyone says that, but it's true.
I'd say the hardest part for me accepting my reality now was that I really had to let go of many societal norms. I use social media for my business but rarely use my personal accounts. I'm particular about social engagements and say " thank you, no" to anything that brings up any anxiety or questioning myself. I value my peace over trying to fit in, and have found peace with that.
It really just takes time. Everyone says that, but it's true.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
Hi!
I’m four years out from leaving my XAH. He’s been dead almost two. I turned completely inward toward myself and my family for years. I put a lot of hard work into building the life I wanted with NO plan of getting involved because it just seemed like all downside when I have so much else going so well and I don’t need anyone to make things more difficult. I got to the point of being open to being open to causal dating, figuring I was six months out still from being able to actually consider putting myself out there (just in my own head or saying yes to introductions etc). And I crossed paths with someone I have known a little bit for a long time this summer and I am dating him, slowly, but not casually. It was a total shock to realize I was capable of having feelings for someone other than just physical. I was totally not there and then one day I was. I was so sure I wouldn’t ever go there again. And after I did all my hard work on my self and my life and I was exactly where I wanted and felt safe and settled, I think my heart decided finally is was OK to want things.
So, I have been where you describe. I took my solitude and work seriously. I can barely fathom the awful of the awful times. And it has ended. Whether I stay with this dude or not, it has opened my eyes to still believing in and wanting love.
(And, it’s like, butterflies and unicorns and love songs. Slow and steady as we go but I have never been this enamored with anyone including two husbands. So not just “oh hey I can find companionship still,” but “wait was this the feeling I was supposed to be holding out for!?”)
I’m four years out from leaving my XAH. He’s been dead almost two. I turned completely inward toward myself and my family for years. I put a lot of hard work into building the life I wanted with NO plan of getting involved because it just seemed like all downside when I have so much else going so well and I don’t need anyone to make things more difficult. I got to the point of being open to being open to causal dating, figuring I was six months out still from being able to actually consider putting myself out there (just in my own head or saying yes to introductions etc). And I crossed paths with someone I have known a little bit for a long time this summer and I am dating him, slowly, but not casually. It was a total shock to realize I was capable of having feelings for someone other than just physical. I was totally not there and then one day I was. I was so sure I wouldn’t ever go there again. And after I did all my hard work on my self and my life and I was exactly where I wanted and felt safe and settled, I think my heart decided finally is was OK to want things.
So, I have been where you describe. I took my solitude and work seriously. I can barely fathom the awful of the awful times. And it has ended. Whether I stay with this dude or not, it has opened my eyes to still believing in and wanting love.
(And, it’s like, butterflies and unicorns and love songs. Slow and steady as we go but I have never been this enamored with anyone including two husbands. So not just “oh hey I can find companionship still,” but “wait was this the feeling I was supposed to be holding out for!?”)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2022
Posts: 2
Hi all,
Thank you so much for all of your messages, I didn't realise I couldn't message you all one by one. I'm sorry for that! I really wanted to. Thank you for your messages of hope, honestly they have kept me going in the last few weeks. I'm sorry I haven't replied until now, I haven't had the strength to. I think I am now ready to share my story but I realised that I should probably have posted on the "Friends and family of substance abusers" I posted here by accident as I found this forum via google. I am truly so grateful for you all, only those who have loved an alcoholic or addict can understand this journey. I'm grateful I can share all of my ugly thoughts and feelings in this safe space. I am in awe of every single one of you for your journeys, what you have had to endure and what you have overcome. You are amazing.
18 months after seperating my beautiful boy passed away. He was in his 20s. That was the week I posted here. I didn't know I could feel pain like it. We ended on really bad terms, it was the classic story, addition won and one day he decided he didn't love me anymore and discared me. I know now the addition won, I was preventing him from carrying on using. The night we broke up he did not shed a tear, he left, walked down the road, got a Subway sandwich and walked away smiling. I could barely stand and my friend had to help me walk to the bus. He moved to a new flat, got new friends and a new job and no one else knew about his challenges. I think this added to my PTSD and confusion, I had seen so much and my sense of reality was distored more by his pretending that nothing had happened. As far as I am aware he carried on as before. We met once after we broke up, he did not ask me about me but did tell me how great his life was and how well he was doing. After the break up I was not doing well, as mentioned before I think I had PTSD, trying to unpack the year or so prior, the betrayal, lies, gaslighting. Was it real? Was any of it real? I became afraid of everything, the dark, plastic bottles (how he took his drug), particular sounds triggered me, I felt like there was never going to be any joy in life ever again. When I saw happy couples on the street I wanted to run and scream and them to get away from each other, that one of them was lying and hiding something. (I didn't luckily). After a year I started to rebuild my life, I got a promotion or two, joined a band, volunteered, started a masters degree, made new friends and travelled. My PTSD calmed down unless I saw him on the street or saw his car. Then it would all came back with avengance. So we ended on bad terms and to be honest looking back now the only way I could deal with the breakup was to hate him. I knew I didn't deep down, deep down I knew it was always the addiction but at the time it was the only way I could cope.
Then he died. And I couldn't hate him anymore, he was a sweet, quiet, caring thing really who just got so lost. He was an introverted soul who would never of intentionally wanted to hurt anyone but addition doesn't care. I know it took over in the end, his selfishness and at the end his coldness towards me was him protecting the one thing that stopped him from feeling pain. That had to be protected at all costs. Love is no match for addiction.
I didn't find out he died until the week after it happened. By then the funeral had already happened. I never got to say goodbye. His new friends and colleagues went, a celebration of life. My heart broke. A celebration of a life that I had been excluded from. As if I never existed, as if he and I never happened. I have grieved alone. Waves of sorrow, wishing we had managed to make amends or ended in peace rather than on bad terms, wondering if he still cared, wondering if he knew I still cared. I've felt anger, confusion, angry at life, angry at the world. Wondering if I could have shouted louder so more people could have known and encouraged him to get help. I know now that we did love each other very much, looking back at videos you can see it in his eyes. He never shouted at me or cheated on me or put me down in anyway, he just repeatedly lied to me about his substance use, hid things from me, would vanish and be absent for days etc. He loved me as well as he could but that wasn't the love I deserve. I know I did all I can to help him but ultimately it was his choice and he just wasn't ready. I'm proud that I never enabled him, not once, I'm proud that I had strong boundaries.
After his death I feel like I've gone back to where I was 18 months ago. Honestly I don't want to feel like this anymore, the world feels so dark and scary, I constantly question my sense of reality, did it happen, was I just being overdramatic? I constantly feel like I am fundamentally broken, that no one likes me. I know I should lean on friends and family for support but I just want to isolate myself, I don't want to put that burden on anyone else. I feel like I have a hole in my heart that will never be filled. All I want is peace and joy and laughter. I did date two people since we split, for about 3 or 4 months each. One was going well, it was very slow and steady. One day he told me he was faling in love with me which I did think was a bit soon then a week later told me he made a mistake and he shouldn't have said that, told me it was over and didn't speak to me ever again. The second just ghosted me. I don't think I'm emotionally strong enough for dating, it just feels too emotionally unsafe.
I just don't know how to move forward anymore, I'm just so tired. I want peace, I want for someone to tell me that it was all real and it all happened and to feel safe again. Oh, I want to feel emotionally safe again more than anything. I'd do anything.
-Lighthouse
Thank you so much for all of your messages, I didn't realise I couldn't message you all one by one. I'm sorry for that! I really wanted to. Thank you for your messages of hope, honestly they have kept me going in the last few weeks. I'm sorry I haven't replied until now, I haven't had the strength to. I think I am now ready to share my story but I realised that I should probably have posted on the "Friends and family of substance abusers" I posted here by accident as I found this forum via google. I am truly so grateful for you all, only those who have loved an alcoholic or addict can understand this journey. I'm grateful I can share all of my ugly thoughts and feelings in this safe space. I am in awe of every single one of you for your journeys, what you have had to endure and what you have overcome. You are amazing.
18 months after seperating my beautiful boy passed away. He was in his 20s. That was the week I posted here. I didn't know I could feel pain like it. We ended on really bad terms, it was the classic story, addition won and one day he decided he didn't love me anymore and discared me. I know now the addition won, I was preventing him from carrying on using. The night we broke up he did not shed a tear, he left, walked down the road, got a Subway sandwich and walked away smiling. I could barely stand and my friend had to help me walk to the bus. He moved to a new flat, got new friends and a new job and no one else knew about his challenges. I think this added to my PTSD and confusion, I had seen so much and my sense of reality was distored more by his pretending that nothing had happened. As far as I am aware he carried on as before. We met once after we broke up, he did not ask me about me but did tell me how great his life was and how well he was doing. After the break up I was not doing well, as mentioned before I think I had PTSD, trying to unpack the year or so prior, the betrayal, lies, gaslighting. Was it real? Was any of it real? I became afraid of everything, the dark, plastic bottles (how he took his drug), particular sounds triggered me, I felt like there was never going to be any joy in life ever again. When I saw happy couples on the street I wanted to run and scream and them to get away from each other, that one of them was lying and hiding something. (I didn't luckily). After a year I started to rebuild my life, I got a promotion or two, joined a band, volunteered, started a masters degree, made new friends and travelled. My PTSD calmed down unless I saw him on the street or saw his car. Then it would all came back with avengance. So we ended on bad terms and to be honest looking back now the only way I could deal with the breakup was to hate him. I knew I didn't deep down, deep down I knew it was always the addiction but at the time it was the only way I could cope.
Then he died. And I couldn't hate him anymore, he was a sweet, quiet, caring thing really who just got so lost. He was an introverted soul who would never of intentionally wanted to hurt anyone but addition doesn't care. I know it took over in the end, his selfishness and at the end his coldness towards me was him protecting the one thing that stopped him from feeling pain. That had to be protected at all costs. Love is no match for addiction.
I didn't find out he died until the week after it happened. By then the funeral had already happened. I never got to say goodbye. His new friends and colleagues went, a celebration of life. My heart broke. A celebration of a life that I had been excluded from. As if I never existed, as if he and I never happened. I have grieved alone. Waves of sorrow, wishing we had managed to make amends or ended in peace rather than on bad terms, wondering if he still cared, wondering if he knew I still cared. I've felt anger, confusion, angry at life, angry at the world. Wondering if I could have shouted louder so more people could have known and encouraged him to get help. I know now that we did love each other very much, looking back at videos you can see it in his eyes. He never shouted at me or cheated on me or put me down in anyway, he just repeatedly lied to me about his substance use, hid things from me, would vanish and be absent for days etc. He loved me as well as he could but that wasn't the love I deserve. I know I did all I can to help him but ultimately it was his choice and he just wasn't ready. I'm proud that I never enabled him, not once, I'm proud that I had strong boundaries.
After his death I feel like I've gone back to where I was 18 months ago. Honestly I don't want to feel like this anymore, the world feels so dark and scary, I constantly question my sense of reality, did it happen, was I just being overdramatic? I constantly feel like I am fundamentally broken, that no one likes me. I know I should lean on friends and family for support but I just want to isolate myself, I don't want to put that burden on anyone else. I feel like I have a hole in my heart that will never be filled. All I want is peace and joy and laughter. I did date two people since we split, for about 3 or 4 months each. One was going well, it was very slow and steady. One day he told me he was faling in love with me which I did think was a bit soon then a week later told me he made a mistake and he shouldn't have said that, told me it was over and didn't speak to me ever again. The second just ghosted me. I don't think I'm emotionally strong enough for dating, it just feels too emotionally unsafe.
I just don't know how to move forward anymore, I'm just so tired. I want peace, I want for someone to tell me that it was all real and it all happened and to feel safe again. Oh, I want to feel emotionally safe again more than anything. I'd do anything.
-Lighthouse
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by lighthouse22
I just don't know how to move forward anymore, I'm just so tired. I want peace, I want for someone to tell me that it was all real and it all happened and to feel safe again. Oh, I want to feel emotionally safe again more than anything. I'd do anything.
-Lighthouse
-Lighthouse
I think you are right, it probably is still soon for dating, but you did give it a try and that's really important, can't know where you are at unless you try, so really it's a positive step.
It was real and your feelings were real and with time, you are going to be ok.
You know having someone lie to us, when we trust them, is much more damaging than people might imagine. That gaslighting, expecting you to accept what is not true, is horrible and does undermine your confidence. If you trusted him and basically believed him, or made excuses for him to support his lies, then where does that leave your judgement?
That is not an easy place to be and it's not that easy to correct, but it absolutely can be done, so don't lose hope, it may even be easier than you think it will be.
A place to start would be making a list, of all the terrible things he said and did. Why? Why rehash that? Because these things can roll around in your head, you might even put them to rest and they come back. The mind doesn't like to be left with unresolved things. Why did you stay, why did you not protect yourself? Do you know. Probably not (and that's not a judgement by the way, most of us have been there). So that needs to be resolved. What will you do, going forward, that will be different. What do you know now that you didn't know then or how did you get lost. By making a list you can see, in front of you, why that relationship would never have worked and what you might have done differently.
That will go some way toward getting your firm footing back. You are not incompetent and you don't have poor judgement, you were caught in a situation that you were not familiar with dealing with and little by little (I'm guessing) it got worse and before you knew it you were trying to fix things and keep things on an even keel and maybe get back to what you had, the "good times".
You might want to google "intermittent reward" in relationships.
Although you may find you have taken steps back lately, you have done some healing and moving forward. It can be a bit of a rollercoaster but the work you have already done is there.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi Lighthouse,
I can relate to your post. I was married to 26 years. First 10 years were terrific, or so I thought, I just overlooked a lot of stuff during the first 10 years.
When someone shuts down on you they are essentially blocking you out. You have questions but no answers, you begin to blame yourself, you keep looking for those answers. I think I came to accept at that time that I can't change another person, that I can only change me, but that only started up my one track thinking. I wasn't thinking of how to better my life for me, I wanted to look for ways to change so HE would act the same way as he did when we first married. I was still trying to change ME, and I lost ME in the process. It caused me emotional damage. (PTSD). I couldn't be there for my own children emotionally because I kept trying to FIX things. Yes, it did destroy my self esteem.
The answer sometimes, is that there is no answer. Sometimes it's because they emotionally distance themself so that they won't get hurt again, sometimes it's because they need "a fix" and just need to get away, sometimes it's because there is a war going on inside their head. You won't find those answers so sometimes you just need to give yourself closure.
You are doing the right things now, congrats on your promotions!
My situation was somewhat different whereas I joined this site because I am an alcoholic. I was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic who always had me doubting myself. I started here in the Newcomers section for myself, then found out I had so much in common with people on friends and family.
I hope this makes sense, sometimes when I go back to that period of time for me I go into my confusion again. Whatever knowledge that you get, use it for YOU, not for trying to figure out another persons mind. You're a very strong person, never forget that.
amy
I can relate to your post. I was married to 26 years. First 10 years were terrific, or so I thought, I just overlooked a lot of stuff during the first 10 years.
When someone shuts down on you they are essentially blocking you out. You have questions but no answers, you begin to blame yourself, you keep looking for those answers. I think I came to accept at that time that I can't change another person, that I can only change me, but that only started up my one track thinking. I wasn't thinking of how to better my life for me, I wanted to look for ways to change so HE would act the same way as he did when we first married. I was still trying to change ME, and I lost ME in the process. It caused me emotional damage. (PTSD). I couldn't be there for my own children emotionally because I kept trying to FIX things. Yes, it did destroy my self esteem.
The answer sometimes, is that there is no answer. Sometimes it's because they emotionally distance themself so that they won't get hurt again, sometimes it's because they need "a fix" and just need to get away, sometimes it's because there is a war going on inside their head. You won't find those answers so sometimes you just need to give yourself closure.
You are doing the right things now, congrats on your promotions!
My situation was somewhat different whereas I joined this site because I am an alcoholic. I was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic who always had me doubting myself. I started here in the Newcomers section for myself, then found out I had so much in common with people on friends and family.
I hope this makes sense, sometimes when I go back to that period of time for me I go into my confusion again. Whatever knowledge that you get, use it for YOU, not for trying to figure out another persons mind. You're a very strong person, never forget that.
amy
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