Major memory lapses, how worrying is it?

Old 11-06-2022, 05:11 PM
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Major memory lapses, how worrying is it?

My husband is an alcoholic who I kicked out about 5 weeks ago now. He also vapes a lot of THC products (he had been smoking but as finances have been an issue and he had been wanting to stop smoking he switched to vaping after he left.) We have had a few evenings with the kids (trying to be friends) which went very well. Well his cat has been missing for almost 3 months now, and the cat came home this evening. So I sent him a message all excited about his cat, and he was not excited. I asked why and he did not remember that the cat has been missing. About 3 weeks ago he had asked about the cat, and mentioned that he had not seen him for weeks before he left. I sent him that screen shot and asked if he is okay. He claims that he is just tired. But, he loves this cat. We have had him for 9 years, since its birth in our home. I know his drinking has likely increased since leaving home (and he was drinking 6+ craft beers a night here) but how worried should I be that he can't remember his cat has been missing? We are supposed to go to dinner tomorrow as he wants to discuss his 'not knowing what he wants' and I don't know if I should bring it up or let it drop. I had been hopeful that that he might be considering getting some form of treatment, but now I'm worried that his delusions have developed into something worse. He likely hasn't been eating much as he's lost quite a bit of weight as well. Or is this common when alcoholics get worse?
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Old 11-06-2022, 07:21 PM
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Memory loss and infrequent eating can be symptoms of lots of things but they can certainly be symptoms of increasing alcoholism, but if you've kicked him out I assume you already have tried everything to get him to listen.

Sometimes, no matter how much we love them, they can be set in that self destructive course, and we have to detach with love, unless we want to be continued to be dragged along for the ride.

I'm sorry for your ex, but I'm sorry this is happening to you and your kids, too...

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Old 11-06-2022, 09:20 PM
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Yes, as Dee mentioned, it is common when alcoholism has progressed.

I would really recommend that you learn as much about alcoholism as you can, not for him, for you. You will be in contact with him one way or another and it's not a bad idea to see what is ahead, so you aren't surprised (if he decides to keep drinking).

I suppose you will find out more about that tomorrow though. Good luck and I hope you stick to your one year boundary, it's so very important for you and the kids.

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Old 11-07-2022, 01:49 AM
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Thanks guys. I am absolutely set in my 1 year boundary, I am considering pausing divorce proceedings if he volunteers to go to an actual rehab, I've been educating myself on here and YouTube, and honestly I know with how the whole thing went down I could not have done anything differently, but I really wish I had realized how bad he has gotten before I kicked him out. I don't think he's beyond hope, and we have kids together, but I do know that now that he isn't home, I can't go backwards or he will never get better. I just didn't expect a health concern so quickly. After looking up alcohol content and what is considered heavy drinking I suppose it makes sense when I realize his 6 craft beers works out to 10.8 standard units of alcohol, per night, for probably the last 2 years.
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Old 11-07-2022, 09:54 AM
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Yes, sometimes beer can seem so innocent. So he has a few beers after work! Doesn't he deserve that after a hard day of work, he needs to relax.

Well, it's up to him, of course, however 6 beers is (as you have seen) a lot of alcohol - and that is only what he showed you. That doesn't mean there wasn't other drinks at lunch or at other times during the day.

I think examining why you did ask him to leave and being firm in that is really helpful to you. Even if he had stayed though, there is no guarantee that you could have changed anything and in fact it's probably unrealistic to believe that. We just don't have that power over other people.

He has been away for a while and hasn't stopped drinking, he can make that choice anytime he wants to. Did he beg and plead to stay and say he would enter rehab right away? No. Keep that in mind. Alcoholics want to drink (not just like to drink - want to drink, are compelled to drink). Your interference in that is really just seen as being annoying and can put you firmly in the "enemy" camp at any time.

I can see with what you have written that you are struggling with this:

- honestly I know with how the whole thing went down I could not have done anything differently
- but I really wish I had realized how bad he has gotten before I kicked him out.

So you see the truth of it, but there is still that little voice saying - hey! maybe you could have fixed this! If love and care and worry and compassion could fix alcoholism, this forum would be a very quiet place. If ultimatums worked, again, very quiet.

The help he needs is from professionals, or from others that have walked that path - like AA. Those are his choices to make, of course, when and if he chooses to get sober.

Alcoholism in the house hurts children (and you).

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