Advice on how to set boundries with my partner and son
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 36
Advice on how to set boundries with my partner and son
penelope222 , Today 12:54 AM
Hi I hope someone could give me some advice on how to deal with this ongoing and draining situation. I have a partner for 11 years, we have 2 young children together.. He is an alcoholic and a drug addict. He has received treatment on different occasions, but always ended up going back drinking and drugging again. Until last year, he stopped drinking etc. Right before he stopped he had become very close to my older son, 19. from a previous relationship, who made the stupid mistake of becoming a drug dealer. He was supplying him with free cocaine. My partner went iff the rails and ended up in treatment. My son was forced to leave as my partner is extremely angry and threatening. However I urged him to come home, had a talk with him, had many talks with him, he promised he would stop dealing. Partner promosed hed stop drink and drugs. But though he hasnt drank in over a year he smokes cannabis and the amount is increasing. He has taken cocaine occasioally too. He is also on a lot of pain medication. Yesterday he had a go at my son over stupid things, but told me it was because of the dealing.. He punched him! My son closed a door on him. I disagree with dealing of course but my partner is shouting about it whilst high on cannabis that he purchased from a drug dealer. Please tell me how I should do this. My son hates me because he sees me allowing a man to hurt him. My partner wants my son gone as he wants his kids safe. I really need advice. As i said, he is a very angry man and now my son is becoming v angry too. I own the house. And i have no where else to go. Im sorry its so long. And im sorry if its not relevent. I hope it is. Thanks.
Hi I hope someone could give me some advice on how to deal with this ongoing and draining situation. I have a partner for 11 years, we have 2 young children together.. He is an alcoholic and a drug addict. He has received treatment on different occasions, but always ended up going back drinking and drugging again. Until last year, he stopped drinking etc. Right before he stopped he had become very close to my older son, 19. from a previous relationship, who made the stupid mistake of becoming a drug dealer. He was supplying him with free cocaine. My partner went iff the rails and ended up in treatment. My son was forced to leave as my partner is extremely angry and threatening. However I urged him to come home, had a talk with him, had many talks with him, he promised he would stop dealing. Partner promosed hed stop drink and drugs. But though he hasnt drank in over a year he smokes cannabis and the amount is increasing. He has taken cocaine occasioally too. He is also on a lot of pain medication. Yesterday he had a go at my son over stupid things, but told me it was because of the dealing.. He punched him! My son closed a door on him. I disagree with dealing of course but my partner is shouting about it whilst high on cannabis that he purchased from a drug dealer. Please tell me how I should do this. My son hates me because he sees me allowing a man to hurt him. My partner wants my son gone as he wants his kids safe. I really need advice. As i said, he is a very angry man and now my son is becoming v angry too. I own the house. And i have no where else to go. Im sorry its so long. And im sorry if its not relevent. I hope it is. Thanks.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
I'm a little confused about who punched whom, but for me, my personal boundaries include that I will not tolerate violence at all, and that my children are my priority, always.
If there's physical violence going on, absolutely in involve the police, and if you have asked that person to leave, and they haven't, get a restraining order.
If there's physical violence going on, absolutely in involve the police, and if you have asked that person to leave, and they haven't, get a restraining order.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
You do have a choice about drug dealers or addicts living with your minor children. As Eauchiche mentioned, boundaries are about our own behavior.
You have absolutely, positively zero control over the actions of your son or husband. It's your house. I don't see why YOU and the minor children should go anywhere. Ownership of the home puts you in the driver's seat. In the US, you would probably need to go through the process of eviction to remove people who have established residency in the house. I have no idea what it would be like where you live.
You have absolutely, positively zero control over the actions of your son or husband. It's your house. I don't see why YOU and the minor children should go anywhere. Ownership of the home puts you in the driver's seat. In the US, you would probably need to go through the process of eviction to remove people who have established residency in the house. I have no idea what it would be like where you live.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Hi Penelope, glad you decided to post here as well. I'm just going to copy and paste my reply from the other forum:
This is parenting off the rails, don't you think?
I hope you will post in Friends and Family, but my short answer is, it's your house, perhaps you should have them both leave (your older son and your Husband)?
The only people in this scenario that can't protect themselves are the younger children, so that really just falls to you.
This is parenting off the rails, don't you think?
I hope you will post in Friends and Family, but my short answer is, it's your house, perhaps you should have them both leave (your older son and your Husband)?
The only people in this scenario that can't protect themselves are the younger children, so that really just falls to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 36
Thankyou for the replies.. I am going to seek legal advice tomorrow. I doubt myself when I see the children cuddling up to their Dad though hes supposed to be the scary one. I worry I will damage them by making him leave.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
I worry I will damage them by making him leave.
His behavior won't get better with time. Would you want a daughter to grow up thinking an addict is all she deserves for a partner? Would you want a son to think cocaine use is normal, and any partner he finds should just put up with it?
His behavior won't get better with time. Would you want a daughter to grow up thinking an addict is all she deserves for a partner? Would you want a son to think cocaine use is normal, and any partner he finds should just put up with it?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
Hi P
Personally, I would have to ask both of them to leave. You have an addict, and a dealer under your roof! You have young children in this environment. Your partner wants your son out to protect the children, yet sees no issue around his using?
I would say your priority is to the younger kids. Your husband and older son, are adults, they can fend for themselves.
The last thing you need is your home identified as " a dealers den". That could have allsorts of potential repercussions.
My son was/is and addict, and I found out, dealing. He was asked to leave. This could have had a negative impact on mine and my husbands jobs, and I refused to entertain his lifestyle.
That was the correct thing for me to do, I understand everyone is different. Sometimes we need to step right back, to actually see the situation for what it is.
Much Love
Bute x
Personally, I would have to ask both of them to leave. You have an addict, and a dealer under your roof! You have young children in this environment. Your partner wants your son out to protect the children, yet sees no issue around his using?
I would say your priority is to the younger kids. Your husband and older son, are adults, they can fend for themselves.
The last thing you need is your home identified as " a dealers den". That could have allsorts of potential repercussions.
My son was/is and addict, and I found out, dealing. He was asked to leave. This could have had a negative impact on mine and my husbands jobs, and I refused to entertain his lifestyle.
That was the correct thing for me to do, I understand everyone is different. Sometimes we need to step right back, to actually see the situation for what it is.
Much Love
Bute x
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