what am i doing and where do i start
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
what am i doing and where do i start
I just found this forum yesterday after coming to the realization that I have to face the fact that my husband needs help and I can't give it.I have been married for 14 years and have 3 children ages 11, 7, and 2. I have been a housewife for the past 8 years, but did begin working at my Church's pre-school last year. Now I know why.
My husband and I met in High School and partied together a lot when we were young, however; I gave up that lifestyle a long time ago and have been waiting on him since. I've heard all the reasons, all my friends do it, people in my line of work do it, I'm too stressed, I'm bored, when I'm 40, when the kids get older. There have been battles over pot, but I think that one is over, but now the one remaining is alcohol. He also suffers from anxiety and has taken Xanax for it since several months after we married. (and no your not supposed to drink and take that medication)
I ride on a roller coaster, waiting on the "good" times. I never know when the next benge is going to come, but as I stated earlier I have realized that they will keep coming.
I am looking for a place to start. I need advice for myself as well as my children. I'm looking for a local al-anon group, but now that I have made the decision to get help, what do I tell him?
He is out of town now so I have had time to really sort things out since his last benge Monday night. If I hated him, it would make things really easy, but of course I still love him. I want to believe the excuses he gives me. I know I am the enabler. Please give me some advice. I need all my ducks in a row when he returns so I don't crumble under pressure.
Thanks
My husband and I met in High School and partied together a lot when we were young, however; I gave up that lifestyle a long time ago and have been waiting on him since. I've heard all the reasons, all my friends do it, people in my line of work do it, I'm too stressed, I'm bored, when I'm 40, when the kids get older. There have been battles over pot, but I think that one is over, but now the one remaining is alcohol. He also suffers from anxiety and has taken Xanax for it since several months after we married. (and no your not supposed to drink and take that medication)
I ride on a roller coaster, waiting on the "good" times. I never know when the next benge is going to come, but as I stated earlier I have realized that they will keep coming.
I am looking for a place to start. I need advice for myself as well as my children. I'm looking for a local al-anon group, but now that I have made the decision to get help, what do I tell him?
He is out of town now so I have had time to really sort things out since his last benge Monday night. If I hated him, it would make things really easy, but of course I still love him. I want to believe the excuses he gives me. I know I am the enabler. Please give me some advice. I need all my ducks in a row when he returns so I don't crumble under pressure.
Thanks
I used to work here ;)
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Hi Constant
Welcome!!
It sounds like you are already moving in the right direction, ready to look out for yourself and your children.
You don't have to tell him anything until you are ready to tell him. I am open with my A about al-anon and he doesn't have a problem with it, but some people just don't feel comfortable talking about it with their As. You need to do what makes you comfortable.
Find that meeting, read the old posts, you keep posting and keep coming back.
Things will fall in to place. I wish I had some words of wisdom to give and I am sure all the ladies will be along shortly with their words of advice.
Hang in there.
Many hugs.
Debbie
Welcome!!
It sounds like you are already moving in the right direction, ready to look out for yourself and your children.
You don't have to tell him anything until you are ready to tell him. I am open with my A about al-anon and he doesn't have a problem with it, but some people just don't feel comfortable talking about it with their As. You need to do what makes you comfortable.
Find that meeting, read the old posts, you keep posting and keep coming back.
Things will fall in to place. I wish I had some words of wisdom to give and I am sure all the ladies will be along shortly with their words of advice.
Hang in there.
Many hugs.
Debbie
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
HI Constant!
Welcome to the recovery forum. Debbie covered the bases. You might also want to pick up a book called "Codependent No More" by Melanie Beattie. It's a favorite among us, and has a lot of common sense advice.
You do not ever have to feel alone again. Not ever. We have all been where you are. Feel free to vent, rant, rave, dump or whoopee here. We DO want to hear it.
Hugs!
Smoke
Welcome to the recovery forum. Debbie covered the bases. You might also want to pick up a book called "Codependent No More" by Melanie Beattie. It's a favorite among us, and has a lot of common sense advice.
You do not ever have to feel alone again. Not ever. We have all been where you are. Feel free to vent, rant, rave, dump or whoopee here. We DO want to hear it.
Hugs!
Smoke
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
First welcome to our family,
You have a good start. You know that this is not over and there is a good chance that he will continue drinking. You are making contact and trying to do what you can to help yourself and your children.
While you are looking for a meeting for yourself you could also look for a meeting for your children. There are Al A Teen chapters all over the country.
Al Anon is about YOU and not about getting him to get sober. You have been living in a situation that has had an impact on you and how you react to your life.
The most basic thing that you will learn and come to accept is that you are powerless over another person...your husband is an adult and has the right to make his own choices even if that includes addictive behavior.
Instead of reacting and placing blame you will be given the tools to take care of the only person you can ...YOU.
As to your question about telling him or not...do what you are comfortable with. If you choose to he may take it as tho you are trying to manipulate him and he may get angry. You know him best..I did tell my family what I was doing...but that is not for everyone.
Come back and let us know how it is going!
You have a good start. You know that this is not over and there is a good chance that he will continue drinking. You are making contact and trying to do what you can to help yourself and your children.
While you are looking for a meeting for yourself you could also look for a meeting for your children. There are Al A Teen chapters all over the country.
Al Anon is about YOU and not about getting him to get sober. You have been living in a situation that has had an impact on you and how you react to your life.
The most basic thing that you will learn and come to accept is that you are powerless over another person...your husband is an adult and has the right to make his own choices even if that includes addictive behavior.
Instead of reacting and placing blame you will be given the tools to take care of the only person you can ...YOU.
As to your question about telling him or not...do what you are comfortable with. If you choose to he may take it as tho you are trying to manipulate him and he may get angry. You know him best..I did tell my family what I was doing...but that is not for everyone.
Come back and let us know how it is going!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hi Constant
I just wanted to join the Welcome Wagon here. You are already making some good choices and going to Al-anon s a terrific way to build your own recovery to give you the strength to live a healthy life.
The 12-step program has saved my life, and it is such a wonderful fellowship of people just like us (my son is an addict).
You already know that you cannot change HIM and the program is about letting go of ideas that you can. But you can change you so that you are not anxiety ridden every day of your life. And, as JT suggested Al-a-teen would be great for your children.
It is up to you whether you tell him, but I would suggest that you calmly and non-judgementally tell him the truth, that you need help and are going to get it. And just leave it at that. You do not have to participate in any argument or debate over the issue, even if he starts. It takes two to argue, and you don't have to respond.
Read many of the posts here, are you will know that you are not alone - ever. We have all become such good friends here, sharing our tears, recovery and laughter too.
Welcome to our family.
I just wanted to join the Welcome Wagon here. You are already making some good choices and going to Al-anon s a terrific way to build your own recovery to give you the strength to live a healthy life.
The 12-step program has saved my life, and it is such a wonderful fellowship of people just like us (my son is an addict).
You already know that you cannot change HIM and the program is about letting go of ideas that you can. But you can change you so that you are not anxiety ridden every day of your life. And, as JT suggested Al-a-teen would be great for your children.
It is up to you whether you tell him, but I would suggest that you calmly and non-judgementally tell him the truth, that you need help and are going to get it. And just leave it at that. You do not have to participate in any argument or debate over the issue, even if he starts. It takes two to argue, and you don't have to respond.
Read many of the posts here, are you will know that you are not alone - ever. We have all become such good friends here, sharing our tears, recovery and laughter too.
Welcome to our family.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Thank you for the big welcome. It is nice to know that there are others that are in similar situations!
When do I get past the worry that I will take his excuses as reasonable explanations and only see him has an addict? That seems to have been my problem for years. I have read the book co-dependant no more, a long time ago. I guess I'll re-read and re-fresh my memory.
I have about a million questions for y'all, so please be patient. I also am not very good with the computer so all of my stuff will be very plain. Most of it is foriegn to me.
Thanks again
Constant
When do I get past the worry that I will take his excuses as reasonable explanations and only see him has an addict? That seems to have been my problem for years. I have read the book co-dependant no more, a long time ago. I guess I'll re-read and re-fresh my memory.
I have about a million questions for y'all, so please be patient. I also am not very good with the computer so all of my stuff will be very plain. Most of it is foriegn to me.
Thanks again
Constant
Paused
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: indiana
Posts: 25
Constant, I'm new, too, so I feel funny posting advice before I can even navigate the board! However, your post struck a chord because it could very well apply to me and my situation. Tolstoy wrote: "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."
I could argue with that. One of the things that is so striking about alcoholic families is how incredibly SIMILAR we all are. And how we codependents fall into our roles with such seamless ease.
My husband is deep in denial. He is the best guy on the planet when sober, but a different animal when drinking. I used to tolerate the drunk times because they were few and far between, but by now (married 22 yrs, one daughter) they have escalated and even when he's not drinking, he's not sober in the sense that he's back to being his wonderful self.
I wanted to believe that he WOULD quit drinking and things WOULD get better, but one thing I learned from Al Anon reading (I'm new to that, too) is that this disease progresses no matter what. The only solution is recovery and total abstinence.
Like you, I am more preoccuptied with my husband than with myself. I keep thinking, when he gets better, so will I.
Well, guess what? (the people on this bb got this a long time ago) You only have the power to recover YOURSELF and you have to, especially with those 3 little ones. My daughter (18) and I are incredibly close and one reason is that she has enormous respect for me for finally taking control of my own recovery. (I'm still hoping she'll get into Al Ateen)
Do you tell him you're going to Al Anon? HECK YES, I say. That is, unless it would put you at risk in some way. He's in denial, but his consciousness will be raised when he sees you getting help for yourself and your kids. The first time I went, my husband rolled his eyes. The second time, he got my car out of the garage. On some level, he sees that I am moving forward. I suspect that makes him nervous, angry, scared or whatever, but I can only feel what I feel.
Our hearts are breaking, I know that. But take joy in your kids and do something fun and check in. I find myself reading this bb once a day.
marie
I could argue with that. One of the things that is so striking about alcoholic families is how incredibly SIMILAR we all are. And how we codependents fall into our roles with such seamless ease.
My husband is deep in denial. He is the best guy on the planet when sober, but a different animal when drinking. I used to tolerate the drunk times because they were few and far between, but by now (married 22 yrs, one daughter) they have escalated and even when he's not drinking, he's not sober in the sense that he's back to being his wonderful self.
I wanted to believe that he WOULD quit drinking and things WOULD get better, but one thing I learned from Al Anon reading (I'm new to that, too) is that this disease progresses no matter what. The only solution is recovery and total abstinence.
Like you, I am more preoccuptied with my husband than with myself. I keep thinking, when he gets better, so will I.
Well, guess what? (the people on this bb got this a long time ago) You only have the power to recover YOURSELF and you have to, especially with those 3 little ones. My daughter (18) and I are incredibly close and one reason is that she has enormous respect for me for finally taking control of my own recovery. (I'm still hoping she'll get into Al Ateen)
Do you tell him you're going to Al Anon? HECK YES, I say. That is, unless it would put you at risk in some way. He's in denial, but his consciousness will be raised when he sees you getting help for yourself and your kids. The first time I went, my husband rolled his eyes. The second time, he got my car out of the garage. On some level, he sees that I am moving forward. I suspect that makes him nervous, angry, scared or whatever, but I can only feel what I feel.
Our hearts are breaking, I know that. But take joy in your kids and do something fun and check in. I find myself reading this bb once a day.
marie
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: North America
Posts: 362
Constant,
Welcome!!! Welcome!!! I am very glad you found this wonderful place! It has helped me sooo much!
My A and I were together 8 years. We have a 5 year old daughter together. I know, just like everyone else here, exactly what your dealing with and feeling. It is very difficult.
I have good news for you though....It DOES get better, as you grow and learn as much as you can about this disease.
I never would beleive that I would have come this far. When I came to these boards in February my A, had another woman involved who is now pregnant by him, and he drinks, uses crack and smokes pot. I was an emotional wreck, I look at myself now from then, and it is like I have done a 180 degree turn for the better.
Changing the way you think Constant is very hard. We CANT CARRY THEIR GUILT!! Learning that takes time, and work on YOU!
They know how to manipulate us into thinking its our fault, that we should feel guilty because their lives are so out of control. If we stay in the same place mentally and sometimes physically we can be dragged with them, Let Go, Let God, take care of you, your beautiful children. You have made a powerful step in the right direction, just think there is no way to go but up from here.
Sorry for the rambling, when I see the new people come aboard, it reminds me of me in the beginning, I cant express enough how much better life can get from were you are now.
Keep coming back~get to a meeting...
Love,
Bonbon
Welcome!!! Welcome!!! I am very glad you found this wonderful place! It has helped me sooo much!
My A and I were together 8 years. We have a 5 year old daughter together. I know, just like everyone else here, exactly what your dealing with and feeling. It is very difficult.
I have good news for you though....It DOES get better, as you grow and learn as much as you can about this disease.
I never would beleive that I would have come this far. When I came to these boards in February my A, had another woman involved who is now pregnant by him, and he drinks, uses crack and smokes pot. I was an emotional wreck, I look at myself now from then, and it is like I have done a 180 degree turn for the better.
Changing the way you think Constant is very hard. We CANT CARRY THEIR GUILT!! Learning that takes time, and work on YOU!
They know how to manipulate us into thinking its our fault, that we should feel guilty because their lives are so out of control. If we stay in the same place mentally and sometimes physically we can be dragged with them, Let Go, Let God, take care of you, your beautiful children. You have made a powerful step in the right direction, just think there is no way to go but up from here.
Sorry for the rambling, when I see the new people come aboard, it reminds me of me in the beginning, I cant express enough how much better life can get from were you are now.
Keep coming back~get to a meeting...
Love,
Bonbon
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
I can see that this BB is going to be very helpful for me and maybe in time I can return the favor.
A special thanks to Marie. Your posts caught my eye when I found this site. We both seem to be in the same place of helping ourselves. I'm VERY thankful that you had the courage to respond. My heart races everytime I type on this board, like I'm doing something I'm not supposed to, getting help.
Today is a good day, he is still out of town.
God bless y'all
Constant
A special thanks to Marie. Your posts caught my eye when I found this site. We both seem to be in the same place of helping ourselves. I'm VERY thankful that you had the courage to respond. My heart races everytime I type on this board, like I'm doing something I'm not supposed to, getting help.
Today is a good day, he is still out of town.
God bless y'all
Constant
Paused
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: indiana
Posts: 25
That is SUCH a telling statement, Constant, that it's a good day when he's away. I'm there, too! My husband is away with a friend for some R&R. It's quiet and lonely here, but also ... pleasant. I miss him, but I miss the person he was, not the guy he's been lately.
I can also relate to your feelings about posting here. It's the Internet, for heaven's sake, and who knows who's looking over your shoulder? On the other hand, this is pretty boring stuff to people who like to spy on other people, so I've decided not to worry about it.
It does make me think a lot about the "shame" aspect of this family disease. That is a totally separate topic so I won't go there at this time, but it's something I'd like to explore, particularly since I'm a sort of public person in a very small town. Yikes.
marie
I can also relate to your feelings about posting here. It's the Internet, for heaven's sake, and who knows who's looking over your shoulder? On the other hand, this is pretty boring stuff to people who like to spy on other people, so I've decided not to worry about it.
It does make me think a lot about the "shame" aspect of this family disease. That is a totally separate topic so I won't go there at this time, but it's something I'd like to explore, particularly since I'm a sort of public person in a very small town. Yikes.
marie
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