Alone and feeling discarded / will rehab END my marriage?
 

###Posted previously in the wrong forum (1st timer mistake)###

Hi all -

I don't even know where to begin. My wife went to rehab after a long road of lies, being fired, driving drunk with our kids, the "typical" stuff we deal with with addicts I guess. It culminated when she lost her job and got blackout drunk that we had to call an ambulance. The very next day, she drank herself unconscious again. BAC .398.

She has been in for 3 weeks and typically calls me during her therapist session. (side note I have 2 eleven year olds from a previous relationship and we have a 19 month old) . Yesterday I found out that our entire life savings may have been wiped out by a cryptocurrency platform going under. We have been dipping into this to cover our bills, not to mention the $30k (we lost insurance) for her rehab. I fully understand that she needs to be a it selfish during rehab and focus on her, I love her dearly and support her in this 100%.

I didn't know if I should tell her about it or not (she is also an attorney and i wanted to see if there was something I should be doing in the interim as it will be 3 more weeks until she returns). I defer to her thereipt on how to proceed. I send the therapist the email I received and she tells my wife. The therapy session comes and goes. No call.

I get a message from the therapist - Samantha doesn't want to call today, she wants to focus on herself and needs time to process.

This is really out of the blue. My wife and I have been very much ride or dies for each other and I consider this an emergency. I feel so alone,sad and depressed. I am holding the fort down while my wife in previous conversations (I saw her briefly Thursday when I dropped off more thing she wanted.) sounds super happy and has made all these amazing "friends".

My knee jerk reaction is that she is re-evaulating the relationship, but I don't have anything to really back that up except for my sadness that she would not call me to chat today, but did cal her parents - who also advised how great she sounds.

I am happy for her. I do see her old self returning , but I get worried as there has been massive trust issues and she cheated (with a girl) before she left. The therapist said she was doing great, not coupling up or anything and that Sam is just working on setting boundaries and figuring out what she wants. She was very loving and happy when I saw her Thursday - is it just that she doesn't think this is that big of a deal and is afraid dealing with this "headache" now will not be good for her? I can't help but be worried after reading all these stories of people leaving marriage after they have this epiphany about new life habits and needing for change.

This is so hard. I miss my wife - I feel so lonely and forgotten and now abandoned. Am I just being selfish? Am I reading into her response too much?

Does anyone have stats on if rehab ever/sometimes/rarely can cause the addict to leave a relationship?

At this point, I think you are worrying too much. People post about bad things that happen and don't post when it works out. That's the nature of a forum like this.

After I had been in recovery for a few years, my wife confided in me that she although she was all in favor of me going to rehab in the early days, she was also scared that when I did go to rehab and sobered up that I would discover that I wasn't in love with her. Nothing could be further from the truth, I am still in love with her a few decades later.

I can relate to this, as early on I really needed to spend my time and energies on myself because if I didn't learn to love and care for myself, how could possibly really and sincerely love and care for someone else.

She's pretty much incapacitated right now anyway. She simply isn't able to have clear thoughts or reach conclusions or know anything. Her brain has been exposed to toxic levels of poison and is damaged. I didn't progress as far as your wife before I escaped and when I did my brain functioned worse than it did when I was drinking. It took probably a whole year for me to even out. My brother ended up entering rehab and they gave him drugs to help him cope. He doesn't even remember me visiting him even though he appeared normal to me.

Hi Jason, you know, it's really impossible for anyone to guess, but from what you have said, this all sounds pretty normal so far.

Right now she is focusing on herself, that can be hard to accept sometimes because couples can become very ingrained in each others lives (some of that is good, perhaps some not so good).

This is a lot for her, quitting drinking is no walk in the park. Now you are at home looking after the kids while she is being taken care of, listened to and counselled. Unfortunately the spouse at home doesn't get that advantage - your advantage is that you aren't addicted to a substance though!

She may indeed think the crypto situation is serious, but she may not be able to deal with that right now. If every alcoholic in rehab dealt with everything that flew their way while they were attempting to quit drinking, the success rate (I suspect) would be lower than it is now.

All that said, you need support too. Post here as much as you like! Have you ever attended Al Anon?

As for the crypto, does you wife have lawyer friends you might contact about that instead?

You guys ROCK! I really appreciate you all so much. Your insight has made me feel like I am not going crazy. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I've essentially been thinking the along the same lines (She probably just cant process or deal with this alright now and as a mechanism for self preservation, is avoiding any huge stressers.) Again, much love all.

Hi Jason, glad you found us.
My question is what are you doing for you? Alanon ? Reading & educating yourself about
alcoholism? Counseling for you? Focus on you? Having myself recovered (codependent)
with a husband and two adult children (sobriety from alcohol) I can say that if you don't
educate yourself, learn, change, things won't work out - it's not a guarantee but it's the
only thing YOU can do. As much as our alcoholic loved ones
must change- so must we. It's a journey and you would do best to make your recovery
a priority.
Please read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and the stickies. Best to you.
Above all- 3 c's you didn't
Cause it
Cant control it
Can't cure it

Thank you!
 

I needed this advice tonight! Thank you!!

Hi nsiemers, glad you found the forum.

Hi Jason,
I can't tell you anything about her. But I can relate one story from my wife's rehab:
During "family week" we had one session together with one of her counselors. During that session I said things that I somehow felt safe saying with the (compassionate) counselor present. But when I left the facility and went home that night I found myself feeling super anxious, maybe even terrified that what I'd said would just be too much for her. It was so bad that I sought out the counselor the next day and expressed my fears. The counselor gently put a hand on my arm and laughingly said "you can't break her!"
I've held onto that memory because it succinctly captures how I had let my fears hold me back from not only having honest conversations with my spouse but with everyone in my life. Coming from a chaotic childhood where I had to always be hyperalert to the moods in the room, I'd come to fancy myself to be something of a mind reader. Turns out I'm a horrible mind reader, and I only discovered that when I found the courage to start having more honest conversations with people. And I found that courage when I started attending Al-Anon meetings.
Some of the things I learned (early) through Al-Anon and counseling: Detachment (learning to stop reacting to everything the alcoholic says, does, or feels), I learned that I'm responsible for my own happiness (and I'm not responsible for her happiness...she is), I learned that I didn't cause her to drink (even though she told me I did), I learned that I can't fix the alcoholic, but maybe I could learn to start taking care of myself. There was more, but that's plenty. That knowledge didn't come easy either.
Good luck to you, you'll find your own path!
A calming slogan that I learned just this year: "In the end, everything is going to be OK. If it's not OK, it's not the end!"

Matt this was so insightful and helpful. Missing the THANKS button today!! So thank you for sharing this wisdom.
Peace,
B.

I can definitely attest to being so mentally off while in detox (my wife often said I didn't sound like myself in there, and I wasn't). They had me on so many different medications that I needed instructions to follow to clean up the facility kitchen. The point I guess I am reiterating is that I would just do your best to keep busy and ride the waves of emotions that might come from her. Alcohol does such a number on our mind and body that it takes some time for everyone to regain the normalcy in thinking that they used to have. Even a week after detoxing I felt like I was going to be dumb forever, thank the heavens that subsided. I wish you guys the best, and hopefully she can truly achieve sobriety as we know that the other path doesn't lead any of us to anywhere positive. Take care and we are all rooting for you guys!