rs28

Hi everyone,

I think I am here seeking a bit of reassuring, well I’m not entirely sure what I am seeking but I am here.

I haven’t been in contact with my mother for a year now and it’s come with mixed emotions.

A bit of background - my mother has been addicted to alcohol for about 18 years. 2/3 of my life. For the first 6/7 years very much functioning… going to work and it wasn’t really a problem. She goes through periods of being really bad then she will get help and get on track again and pretend nothing ever happened. She’s had 5 detoxes and even been in rehab but it’s the same pattern.

She is very nasty when drunk and will call me and leave abusive voicemails, she’s called me at work several times threatening to kill herself when I’ve said I needed to get off the phone. She’s very manipulative. As she goes from heavy drinking to getting sober a lot it’s a real strain on our relationship. When sober we had a good relationship and lots of contact so when she’s drunk and being nasty it’s almost as if I’m grieving her every time.

I struggle myself with my mental health and made the decision a year ago to stop contact. The biggest emotion I felt initially was RELIEF. I was so relieved that I wouldn’t be receiving drunken calls or texts and that I didn’t have to read into everything she said or did (is she drinking again), then came guilt - this is what I struggle with the most… I have given up on her and it makes me sad to know she is fighting her demons alone. I know that she thinks I’m selfish and ungrateful and I think she’s got me believing that too. I just couldn’t carry on with the ups and downs and the affect it was having on my mental health and my other relationships.

I do worry that she could die thinking I am selfish and ungrateful but I don’t know if I could even do anything to change her opinion of me. I am quite sure if I reached out now she would be angry at me and not happy to hear from me. I thought about writing a letter to explain my feelings / actions but then I don’t know if she’s sober right now and don’t want to give her an excuse to drink.

I am not here asking for advice on how to rebuild my relationship with my mother. That’s not what I want. Of course I am so sad to not have her in my life but my life has actually been going a lot better without her in it. I suppose I just wanted to put my thoughts out there and see if anyone is in a similar position and experiencing similar emotions? Why do I feel like the bad guy?

dandylion

rs......I am sorry that my mother was not an alcoholic.......but, I have had several close friends who had mothers who were chronic alcoholics, and they would often talk to me about it.

Welcome to the forum.

Seren

Hello rs28 and welcome, although I'm really sorry for what brings you here.

My mother, while not an alcoholic, was an adult child of alcoholics. Life with her was quite difficult at times. And yes, there were periods of little to no contact with her. You are not alone in being the adult child of an alcoholic parent. There is a whole subforum here on SR. I hope you will take the time to keep reading and educating yourself. You deserve a peaceful and happy life.

Adult Children of Addicted and Alcoholic Parents

VikingGF

I separated from my mom for a bit as she was in the throes of drug addiction and it was negatively impacting my life. The roller coaster was too much- I actually grieved like she died, because she was, in effect, dead to me. Sometimes we have to do the really hard thing, even when it's uncomfortable. Those were some bad years for sure. I learned so much coming here and reading other people's stories, I hope that it helps you, too.

Bute

Hi RS
Its like a grieving process we go through in these situations. Feeling guilty is part of that process. You have no control over your mothers drinking, and when the actions of someone else, begin to have a negative impact on our life, I think we have no choice but to put our own health and well-being first.
Keep reminding yourself of why you have gone no contact. Your mother will only understand from her own level of perception. YOU know the truth.
Just my thoughts.
Much Love
Bute x

Eauchiche

Hello rs
I too am so sorry for what brings you here.

Your mother is toxic, and you absolutely made the right choice to go no contact with her. She also happens to be an alcoholic.

She could choose to treat you with loving respect in spite of her alcoholism. If she chooses to do that, you can decide if it is appropriate to have a relationship with her. However, you are not obligated to do so. She inflicted a lot of damage on you that she would need to make amends for.

trailmix

Hi rs, my Mother wasn't an alcoholic, my Father was. Eventually I also cut him out of my life for a year. He couldn't understand it at all.

I didn't feel guilty, I had had enough of the drunk phone calls. He wasn't miserable or mean, just drunk.

I started speaking to him again and eventually seeing him again, but my boundaries were firm. Never call me when you are drunk (and he didn't). If he had, I would have said call when you are sober and hung up.

I didn't feel guilty, so I can't really relate to that. You are looking out for yourself. I was looking out for myself. It's not a light decision and it's made for a reason.

This probably would just be a wasted effort, she is not in a place where she can actually do anything about it. It will just make things worse for her. Remember, you never cause her to drink and she doesn't need an excuse, she is an alcoholic and that's what alcoholics do.

Anyway, I think it's misplaced guilt. You must, absolutely, look out for yourself. That's not selfish.

SparkleKitty

Hey there friend. I've been in your position. When my mother passed away in 2019, we hadn't spoken more than a handful of times for nearly a decade. She was sober but not in recovery, and her untreated addiction made her toxic and difficult to talk to. She seemed to be unable to leave an opportunity alone to cause conflict between myself and other family members, to cast herself as a victim, and to punish those who chose to remain in contact with her as I could not.

Only with the perspective of a safe distance could I accept some things without feeling guilty about the choices I made:

• I could care about her without having her part of my everyday life
• I was happier when I allowed her the dignity of being responsible for her own feelings
• Nothing I could do or not do would make her drink or behave badly towards others. Those were always going to be her choice
• Worrying about what she (or anyone) thought of me was a waste of time. My mother was not capable of really thinking about others at all. She needed villains in her life so she would never have to take responsibility for her own actions. That didn't mean I was a villain. if others chose to think of me that way (and in my large extended family, they certainly did) then that reflected only on them. These were the same people who saw the way she treated her children growing up--the screaming and the guilt trips--and never did or said anything because it wasn't their business. Well guess what. They were right, it never was their business

The process of taking care of myself necessitated living with a lot of uncomfortable feelings and resisting the urge to do anything about them (reach out, write a letter, try to explain myself). In the end, the only person who had to be okay with me and my choices was me.

Wishing you strength and peace on this journey.

PeacefulWater12

Welcome, RS28, glad you found us. Sorry for this difficult situation with your mother.

You ask why you feel guilty. I very much relate. I had to go No Contact with my alcoholic parents. They used guilt, fear, threats, everything in their arsenal to try and hoover me back in. I went back several times, it always ended in me being hurt. Always.

It is so sad that we have to protect ourselves from the people who are meant to love and care about us. Sadly some of those people are toxic and we need to protect ourselves.

You mention feeling relief, I felt that too. You are showing great self care.

mylifeismine

I am not in a similar position, but having two adult children and a husband in recovery from
alcohol, your situation with your mother, is very difficult. So many messages in our
culture/religions about respect and honor your parents. That is good if your parents are
honorable people.

But, if they are alcoholics, addicts, toxic people, then NO, no respect, no honor, NO contact.

You have nothing to feel guilty about- your behavior exhibits healthy tendencies and
you should be grateful that you possess the awareness and courage to protect yourself
from harm in whatever form it presents itself. She has not earned your continued
respect/companionship. She has burned
the parent card......

YOU are not the bad guy
You are not the bad guy
You are not the bad guy!!!!

rs28

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I didn’t reply to anyone but please know that I take comfort in your comments. Whenever I am having a down moment, I come back and read your messages

Seren

Please don't hesitate to stop by any time. We get it...really.

silentrun

I would hope that my daughter would have made the same choice you did if I had continued to drink.

rs28

It’s my birthday tomorrow and it’s times like these that I find very difficult. A very big part of my life is missing and it hurts. It doesn’t change what has happened or where I stand with my mother but it’s just tough. Hope you all have a lovely Christmas and thank you again for your support. X

trailmix

Happy Birthday for tomorrow!

You know, this guilt and sadness you are carrying around isn't going anywhere. Unfortunately it will probably get worse as time goes on. Now might be the time to really address it?

Have you thought about therapy at all?

Maybe something to ponder is, why do you feel guilty about looking after yourself? It's not like you could actually change your Mother (you really can't), so you have gone no contact to save your own mental wellness. If your Mother hit you in the head every time she talked to you, you would feel justified in not seeing her or speaking to her, but just because the hurt isn't visible, doesn't make it - not real.

She is an alcoholic and she is not two people. To accept her you have to accept all of her, drunk and sober and I know you can't and don't want to. The grief you feel is for what could have been - the wish - not what is.

You know parents are fallible. Imperfect as everyone is. It might bring you a teeny bit of peace to know that she probably does love you in her own way.

Hatguysgirl

I haven't spoken to my mother in 15 or 16 years. She is not an alcoholic but she has some more severe mental health problems that she refuses to treat (or I guess she does treat it but by self medicating rather than seeing a Dr. She ended up in the hospital shortly before I cut her off and the Dr said she had no history of being prescribed the medications she was taking, and I know she kept notes on her calendar about taking higher or lower dosages to see what would happen when she did it.) I felt guilty at first, especially as the reason was that I would not leave her alone with my young child and she would not accept that she was not fit mentally to keep her safe. She also gave me a pretty good amount of mental abuse, I was never as good as my brothers, she didn't like me, I would never be fit for anything yadda yadda yadda. I'd say I felt guilty for a good 3 or 4 years, but it got better through that time, and now I don't feel guilty at all when I see her around town and immediately leave wherever I am. I am still a little bit sad, but it's just sadness that I don't get to have my mother around to give me advice. However I know that she is actually not capable of being that mother who can give advice and support anyway, so I'm not actually missing anything in reality.

EveningRose

Happy belated birthday!

Yes, another in a similar position. My father is the alcoholic; my mother I think is a narcissist or has some mental health condition. Or maybe her behavior is co-dependency. I haven't spoken to them in 13 or 14 years. Like you, my life is better without them. I blocked AF because he was leaving me hateful voicemails, nasty emails, demanding to know what my problem is and when I gave him a list of some of the ugly, even violent things he's done, he just told me none of that ever happened.

I haven't missed my siblings at all. It was a real eye-opener as to how much there was nothing good between us to begin with.

Yes, your mother likely will die thinking terrible things of you. And you're right, there's almost certainly nothing you can do to change that. I have long since just accepted that my family thinks I'm all sorts of awful; so do many people who know my family but don't really know me. There's really not much to be done about it except just keep living my life the best I can. I try to treat people well, I try to be a positive in the lives of people I meet; I try to leave the world a better place. And the people who actually know me (especially those who haven't heard The Story of the Awful Daughter from my family, almost invariably like and respect me.

As I used to tell my kids when they were little in the end, there's only one person's opinion that matters and that's God's.

One of the comments I came across on a religious forum regarding my decision to go no-contact was that by being a good person, living a good life, doing good for others, I am giving honor to my parents because it reflects well on them. Oh, the irony.

I figure the best I can do is live at peace. I don't retaliate, I don't bad-mouth them. I try to live right and put good in the world.

I agree, some of these 'parents' have really burned the parent card and they don't even see it.