Guilt/Fear that my ex is dying
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2022
Posts: 12
Guilt/Fear that my ex is dying
This is my first time posting but I really need help with my feelings tonight.
I was with my for 18 years. He always drank more than I thought was "normal" but he would go to work, go to the gym, attend family functions. All that started to get less and less about 5 or 6 years ago, he started to drink more so started to take more time off work and would rather spend the holidays at home drinking instead of seeing family. I thought that things were looking up about 3 years ago when he started going to a gym, but that didn't stop him from drinking from Friday night to Sunday night, almost non stop.
I felt like a prisoner in the house, I would spend hours alone in the bedroom to avoid him. He was never physically violent but his words hit me across the face, the difference is that the bruising was and still is inside my head.
In June 2020 I thought he would stop when he got a diagnosis of kidney cancer, but he stopped working entirely and just drank. He got operated in September, they removed his kidney and was declared cancer free. He didn't return to work, he actually quit his job without telling me, and just continued drinking.
On December 21, 2020, during a binge that was on the 8th day, he fell down the stairs, hit his head and was bleeding. He refused to let me take him to the hospital so I called the ambulance. The first responders were police officers and I am not quite sure what my ex said, but I was arrested, spent a few hours in jail and told that I only had a few minutes to pick up my personal effect and leave as I was accused of assault with a weapon. I still don't know, to this day, what the weapon was and how they could believe a drunk that said that I had pushed him (which I did not as I was hiding in the bedroom). The prosecutor did not file any charges against me. I do remember the female officer that took me home told me that it was my chance to get away.
I moved in with my son for a few days and then my own apartment. But my ex would not leave me alone, I gave him my consulting company (I have a full time job). He would call me for help with accounting or clients, and I would try to say no, but he would be so mean to me that to stop him from abusing me, I would just help.
But in August 2021, I finally refused completely as he wanted me to take over the clients while he went on vacations with his new girlfriend. I just stopped taking all his calls. He called me over and over again, said that he was going to file charges against me for not taking care of his house properly. I know this was a silly threat, but I had to stop the calls, voicemails, texts and emails, so I called the police to file harassment charges.
The first time, the police told me that I had to write a clear text telling him to not contact me, even though I had written him at least 2 emails that were clear. They said that if he called, I should then file the charges. He texted and called the very next day. I went to the police station and was told that I should give him a chance as I had just written the text asking him to leave me alone.
He kept calling, texting and threatening. Finally, my complaint was taken on October 29 and he was arrested on October 30. His last text was when he was told by the police that he could not contact me anymore. He pleaded not guilty on December 1 and was told by the prosecutor to deal with his alcohol issues.
Until mid-January, I was okay, he had not tried to contact me in any way. Then, January 26 I was called by his employer asking me if there was a problem as they were looking for him. They called me his spouse. He had no job the last time I spoke to him in August, I am not his spouse. Then I got a call from the police, on the same day, also looking for him. I did mention that he drank too much but never heard anything after.
Then this week, one of his client called as they could not get support. They had manage to speak to him on Thursday morning at 9am and he sounded drunk. Then today I got a call from another client who had been looking for him since Monday.
All this long story is to come to the way I am feeling today. I believe that he is again on a long drunken binge, I cannot and will not call him or any member of his family. I feel helpless, he only has one kidney, I believe he may be alone in the big house, I strongly believe he might just die alone in that big house.
As somehow I am the one being called by his employer, his clients and the police because he is "missing", I am not sure that his family knows or cares how bad it has gotten.
I don't know why I feel guilty as it is not my fault he is drinking. I don't know why I feel helpless as I have known for years that I cannot help him, he doesn't even admit that he has a problem. I am afraid that if he does in fact die his family will blame me even though I know that none of this will be my fault.
I am so sorry this was such a long post but I need help. This is not normal, I should not feel guilt or anything for that matter for someone who treated me so badly for so many years.
Thank you for reading me and for any insight you may be able to provide.
I was with my for 18 years. He always drank more than I thought was "normal" but he would go to work, go to the gym, attend family functions. All that started to get less and less about 5 or 6 years ago, he started to drink more so started to take more time off work and would rather spend the holidays at home drinking instead of seeing family. I thought that things were looking up about 3 years ago when he started going to a gym, but that didn't stop him from drinking from Friday night to Sunday night, almost non stop.
I felt like a prisoner in the house, I would spend hours alone in the bedroom to avoid him. He was never physically violent but his words hit me across the face, the difference is that the bruising was and still is inside my head.
In June 2020 I thought he would stop when he got a diagnosis of kidney cancer, but he stopped working entirely and just drank. He got operated in September, they removed his kidney and was declared cancer free. He didn't return to work, he actually quit his job without telling me, and just continued drinking.
On December 21, 2020, during a binge that was on the 8th day, he fell down the stairs, hit his head and was bleeding. He refused to let me take him to the hospital so I called the ambulance. The first responders were police officers and I am not quite sure what my ex said, but I was arrested, spent a few hours in jail and told that I only had a few minutes to pick up my personal effect and leave as I was accused of assault with a weapon. I still don't know, to this day, what the weapon was and how they could believe a drunk that said that I had pushed him (which I did not as I was hiding in the bedroom). The prosecutor did not file any charges against me. I do remember the female officer that took me home told me that it was my chance to get away.
I moved in with my son for a few days and then my own apartment. But my ex would not leave me alone, I gave him my consulting company (I have a full time job). He would call me for help with accounting or clients, and I would try to say no, but he would be so mean to me that to stop him from abusing me, I would just help.
But in August 2021, I finally refused completely as he wanted me to take over the clients while he went on vacations with his new girlfriend. I just stopped taking all his calls. He called me over and over again, said that he was going to file charges against me for not taking care of his house properly. I know this was a silly threat, but I had to stop the calls, voicemails, texts and emails, so I called the police to file harassment charges.
The first time, the police told me that I had to write a clear text telling him to not contact me, even though I had written him at least 2 emails that were clear. They said that if he called, I should then file the charges. He texted and called the very next day. I went to the police station and was told that I should give him a chance as I had just written the text asking him to leave me alone.
He kept calling, texting and threatening. Finally, my complaint was taken on October 29 and he was arrested on October 30. His last text was when he was told by the police that he could not contact me anymore. He pleaded not guilty on December 1 and was told by the prosecutor to deal with his alcohol issues.
Until mid-January, I was okay, he had not tried to contact me in any way. Then, January 26 I was called by his employer asking me if there was a problem as they were looking for him. They called me his spouse. He had no job the last time I spoke to him in August, I am not his spouse. Then I got a call from the police, on the same day, also looking for him. I did mention that he drank too much but never heard anything after.
Then this week, one of his client called as they could not get support. They had manage to speak to him on Thursday morning at 9am and he sounded drunk. Then today I got a call from another client who had been looking for him since Monday.
All this long story is to come to the way I am feeling today. I believe that he is again on a long drunken binge, I cannot and will not call him or any member of his family. I feel helpless, he only has one kidney, I believe he may be alone in the big house, I strongly believe he might just die alone in that big house.
As somehow I am the one being called by his employer, his clients and the police because he is "missing", I am not sure that his family knows or cares how bad it has gotten.
I don't know why I feel guilty as it is not my fault he is drinking. I don't know why I feel helpless as I have known for years that I cannot help him, he doesn't even admit that he has a problem. I am afraid that if he does in fact die his family will blame me even though I know that none of this will be my fault.
I am so sorry this was such a long post but I need help. This is not normal, I should not feel guilt or anything for that matter for someone who treated me so badly for so many years.
Thank you for reading me and for any insight you may be able to provide.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi and welcome sadmtl.
I'm so sorry for what brings you here.
It is definitely not your fault.
I don't even think it's your responsibility at all now he is an ex and I would ask to be taken off as the contact seeing as you have an order out against him.
I understand your fears but as an alcoholic myself, I made the choices I did. No one drive me to those choices and no one could save me until I decided to save myself.
I really hope your ex will have the same window of clarity I did and turn things around before its too late.
D
I'm so sorry for what brings you here.
It is definitely not your fault.
I don't even think it's your responsibility at all now he is an ex and I would ask to be taken off as the contact seeing as you have an order out against him.
I understand your fears but as an alcoholic myself, I made the choices I did. No one drive me to those choices and no one could save me until I decided to save myself.
I really hope your ex will have the same window of clarity I did and turn things around before its too late.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2022
Posts: 12
Thank you Dee
I have been telling people not to call me, but I am still stumped by the fact that he put me as his spouse on his contact list for an employer that he started working for months and months after we broke up. If I had to guess, he got that job even after the harassment charge against him. What could possibly possess him to do such a thing?
I really do hope he gets the window of clarity, his excuse previously was that he could not go to rehab because he had clients to answer to, but after the 2 calls I got this week, I believe that is no longer a proper excuse. And I do understand, he doesn't need an excuse, he needs acceptance.
I don't wish him anything bad, I just wish for a clean break which he seems to do everything to prevent. I am afraid however that when the court case is over he will again try again to intimidate me. I often see no end to this relationship that should've ended years ago.
I have been telling people not to call me, but I am still stumped by the fact that he put me as his spouse on his contact list for an employer that he started working for months and months after we broke up. If I had to guess, he got that job even after the harassment charge against him. What could possibly possess him to do such a thing?
I really do hope he gets the window of clarity, his excuse previously was that he could not go to rehab because he had clients to answer to, but after the 2 calls I got this week, I believe that is no longer a proper excuse. And I do understand, he doesn't need an excuse, he needs acceptance.
I don't wish him anything bad, I just wish for a clean break which he seems to do everything to prevent. I am afraid however that when the court case is over he will again try again to intimidate me. I often see no end to this relationship that should've ended years ago.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Sometimes people cling to relationships that no longer exist, or are greatly changed. There can be a fair bit of denial going on, or at least I know there was with me…mine was mostly self denial tho.
And, not that I know your ex, but it could also be a subtle way to intimidate you and pull you back in too I guess - if you get the calls he knows you’ll worry?
D
And, not that I know your ex, but it could also be a subtle way to intimidate you and pull you back in too I guess - if you get the calls he knows you’ll worry?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2022
Posts: 12
I thought about that too that this might be his way of trying to force me to talk to him. He is in fact right, I do worry, but I would never do anything to jeopardize my court case. And I really want him out of my life for good. I felt much better having no contact from him or any news about him.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
I'm gathering you were never married.
I wouldn't make a huge effort, but I would contact his family by letter or email to tell them what's going on. You can open up a new email account that you use only for throw-away things. I would do this not because he still means something to you- I would do that just like I had someone call the non-emergency number for the police if I saw a stranger unconscious in a snowbank or saw a person clearly unable to care for him- or herself.
It is sad to see somebody self-destruct, but you're correct that your guilty feelings are unnecessary. After 18 years, feelings of concern don't disappear just because you're no longer together. Last fall, an old boyfriend died. He'd treated me lousy, and alienated most of his friends, too. He moved across the country and never spoke to any of us again. That was 40 years ago. His buddies and frat brothers were still sad to hear of his passing.
I wouldn't make a huge effort, but I would contact his family by letter or email to tell them what's going on. You can open up a new email account that you use only for throw-away things. I would do this not because he still means something to you- I would do that just like I had someone call the non-emergency number for the police if I saw a stranger unconscious in a snowbank or saw a person clearly unable to care for him- or herself.
It is sad to see somebody self-destruct, but you're correct that your guilty feelings are unnecessary. After 18 years, feelings of concern don't disappear just because you're no longer together. Last fall, an old boyfriend died. He'd treated me lousy, and alienated most of his friends, too. He moved across the country and never spoke to any of us again. That was 40 years ago. His buddies and frat brothers were still sad to hear of his passing.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 136
I’m having slightly the same issue, minus the charges and RO, so have an idea how hard it is for you. I’m also in the same boat in that my exAH refuses to accept that we’re not together, but this week has been much better-only 2 voicemails (he’s blocked on everything). He was drunkenly wandering around his neighbourhood on Thursday night, and someone called me to pick him up before he got hurt. It was very hard to say, but I told them to call the police instead. I’m not sure if they did, I didn’t follow up.
My final “aha” moment was just back in December, so this must be doubly difficult for you because it’s still going on after years.
My final “aha” moment was just back in December, so this must be doubly difficult for you because it’s still going on after years.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
It definitely sounds like he's doing his best to pull you back in, and keep you connected. It's so painful when your (ex)spouse does everything in their power to harm you and themselves. It's a constant fight with yourself as you battle with mixed feelings over caring for them while also wanting to free yourself from the chaos they cause.
I'm glad you're out of the house with him, and making progress on cutting contact, despite his best efforts. Often leaving is the hardest step in all of this. Once you're finished with your court case, is it possible to block him from the different platforms you use (phone, social media, etc) and screen calls that come in? Blocking him will help reduce the amount of ways for him to harass you, and generally I don't really answer calls from unknown numbers unless they leave a message.
The family blaming you is completely out of your control, and while it would be hurtful ultimately their opinion doesn't matter. I know that sounds callous, but when you are finished cutting contact with him, will you really keep in touch with his family? You could be a Saint, and it's likely any information he gives them about you will be nasty and untrue. You know in your heart you have done your best to take care of him, and yourself in this crazy situation. They clearly have not been involved in the every day trauma of living with an abusive addict. If you described a challenge with your job, and I told you "that sounds like it would be easy", would you listen to me? Ofc not, I don't have the knowledge or experience to substantiate that claim. If they blame you for his choices and actions, it's often because they can't know the intimate details of daily life with him you've experienced, and they feel the need to deflect the stress and guilt these situations create.
I'm glad to see you've found this forum, and I hope that you're able to gain some peace in this situation. There's a lot of people in here who can share their struggles with you, and provide you support. You're not alone in all this insanity, and the mixed feelings you're experiencing are completely normal. Keep taking steps every day to improve your situation and take care of yourself, you won't be stuck with this forever. I hope we keep hearing from you.
I'm glad you're out of the house with him, and making progress on cutting contact, despite his best efforts. Often leaving is the hardest step in all of this. Once you're finished with your court case, is it possible to block him from the different platforms you use (phone, social media, etc) and screen calls that come in? Blocking him will help reduce the amount of ways for him to harass you, and generally I don't really answer calls from unknown numbers unless they leave a message.
The family blaming you is completely out of your control, and while it would be hurtful ultimately their opinion doesn't matter. I know that sounds callous, but when you are finished cutting contact with him, will you really keep in touch with his family? You could be a Saint, and it's likely any information he gives them about you will be nasty and untrue. You know in your heart you have done your best to take care of him, and yourself in this crazy situation. They clearly have not been involved in the every day trauma of living with an abusive addict. If you described a challenge with your job, and I told you "that sounds like it would be easy", would you listen to me? Ofc not, I don't have the knowledge or experience to substantiate that claim. If they blame you for his choices and actions, it's often because they can't know the intimate details of daily life with him you've experienced, and they feel the need to deflect the stress and guilt these situations create.
I'm glad to see you've found this forum, and I hope that you're able to gain some peace in this situation. There's a lot of people in here who can share their struggles with you, and provide you support. You're not alone in all this insanity, and the mixed feelings you're experiencing are completely normal. Keep taking steps every day to improve your situation and take care of yourself, you won't be stuck with this forever. I hope we keep hearing from you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
If this were me I would very likely simply change my phone number and email, as this would end the issue quickly. It would be easier for me to let those I want to have my information have it, as opposed to trying to keep all of these other involved parties from contacting me with my current info besides him—how many clients have your contact info? The stress would make me crazy.
If that isn’t an option, I would at least give the “official” people contacting you his parents number, and send off a brief, clear email to his parents and all of these official folk that you have an RO against him, and have no responsibility for intervening in any issue of his, and to not contact you again about anything pertaining to him. The old contact info, sent to voice mail and / or reviewed by a trusted person, can be used until the legal issues are resolved. You don’t have to answer directly.
And stick to that boundary. He hasn’t earned any more help from you, and in fact has caused you great harm. He is toxic and trying to get you to fix things, but that isn’t your job anymore, and frankly, it never was. You deserve peace and mental well-being.
As long as he has access to your contact information, RO or no, it is hard to have either. . .
If that isn’t an option, I would at least give the “official” people contacting you his parents number, and send off a brief, clear email to his parents and all of these official folk that you have an RO against him, and have no responsibility for intervening in any issue of his, and to not contact you again about anything pertaining to him. The old contact info, sent to voice mail and / or reviewed by a trusted person, can be used until the legal issues are resolved. You don’t have to answer directly.
And stick to that boundary. He hasn’t earned any more help from you, and in fact has caused you great harm. He is toxic and trying to get you to fix things, but that isn’t your job anymore, and frankly, it never was. You deserve peace and mental well-being.
As long as he has access to your contact information, RO or no, it is hard to have either. . .
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2022
Posts: 12
The reason he is not blocked and that I have not changed my phone number and email is that if he does try to reach me I won't have any proof for my court case. I have blocked him on Facebook and he believes that I blocked him on my phone. He has not emailed me at the email address he knows (my work) and doesn't know my personal email address.
I could call the police but there is a little voice in the back of my head that tells me that this is a bad idea. About 2 months after we broke up, he was on a binge, a client called me looking for him and I called the police (after talking to his brother as his sister doesn't believe he's an alcoholic). My ex called me afterwards and screamed at me.
I don't know for sure what state he is in, if he is doing this to force me to contact him. The only thing I know for sure is that 2 clients have been unable to reach him for a week and one of them said he didn't sound sober on the phone at 9am on Thursday.
I keep having to remind myself that he is a controlling person. After 18 years it is really hard to get away from this control.
I appreciate all your advice, it makes me feel much better today after reading all of you.
I could call the police but there is a little voice in the back of my head that tells me that this is a bad idea. About 2 months after we broke up, he was on a binge, a client called me looking for him and I called the police (after talking to his brother as his sister doesn't believe he's an alcoholic). My ex called me afterwards and screamed at me.
I don't know for sure what state he is in, if he is doing this to force me to contact him. The only thing I know for sure is that 2 clients have been unable to reach him for a week and one of them said he didn't sound sober on the phone at 9am on Thursday.
I keep having to remind myself that he is a controlling person. After 18 years it is really hard to get away from this control.
I appreciate all your advice, it makes me feel much better today after reading all of you.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
I can certainly understand leaving the old phone number, email, and contacts live in the event you need them for court, but perhaps just leave them to collect data and not actually monitor them? Perhaps if you only do a "data dump" periodically to forward to your atty? As another recommended, switch to private email and number that you are comfortable using when you need?
You might want to list out priorities, but my thought is that your safety and then your mental and physical well - being are at the top. It's tough not being able to go completely not contact, and though you have impressive fortitude to get through what you have, can you make it easier on yourself in any way?
You might want to list out priorities, but my thought is that your safety and then your mental and physical well - being are at the top. It's tough not being able to go completely not contact, and though you have impressive fortitude to get through what you have, can you make it easier on yourself in any way?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2022
Posts: 12
Maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part, but as far as I know he only had 2 main clients and they have called me. There might be another one that I know of and that knows me, but I cannot be proactive in telling them to not contact me if they cannot contact my ex as I am afraid that he might try to attack me for defamation. I will then cross that bridge when and if I come to it.
As for the fact that he has given my name as spouse to a new employer, I will be informing the prosecutor when I meet with him on February 28.
I know that I cannot save him, at least my brain knows it, and that even if I were to contact a family member or the police for a welfare check, it would only be used against me at some point of that I am quite sure. This is not his first weeklong binge and will most likely not be his last, I am just hoping that the next time he goes off grid I will not be contacted by anyone as there is nothing I can do about it today or ever.
I am very happy I found this forum.
As for the fact that he has given my name as spouse to a new employer, I will be informing the prosecutor when I meet with him on February 28.
I know that I cannot save him, at least my brain knows it, and that even if I were to contact a family member or the police for a welfare check, it would only be used against me at some point of that I am quite sure. This is not his first weeklong binge and will most likely not be his last, I am just hoping that the next time he goes off grid I will not be contacted by anyone as there is nothing I can do about it today or ever.
I am very happy I found this forum.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Hi sad, sorry for what brings you here but glad you found the forum!
I don't know if you use your phone for your work as well, but I have my private phone set to ring only if it's someone on my contact list. Otherwise, it will still take the call but the phone will just eventually take them to voicemail. I don't know if this is practical for you or not, but if so, it's an option so you don't have to feel dread every time the phone rings. Just a suggestion in case.
I don't know if you use your phone for your work as well, but I have my private phone set to ring only if it's someone on my contact list. Otherwise, it will still take the call but the phone will just eventually take them to voicemail. I don't know if this is practical for you or not, but if so, it's an option so you don't have to feel dread every time the phone rings. Just a suggestion in case.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2022
Posts: 12
I have the same phone for my work and for my personal use. I have had it for over 20 years. He has not called me or texted me since his arrest on October 30th. I have noticed that if I block a contact, that person cannot send me a text, but can still call and leave a voicemail, I just won't see the missed call on my list. Because of the court case I do get quite a bit of calls with "No Caller ID", but I have now installed a recording app on my phone just in case he calls.
My issue at this point is not really him calling as much as the random calls I got recently from the internet provider who still had me on the account, the employer who had me as the spouse, the police who took the information from the employer, the clients who are trying to reach him and since the company was mine before, they are calling me. I am making it very clear that I am not in contact with him and do not want to be.
The worse case scenario is that he will continue to drink and because he only has one kidney he will pass away. I hope he wakes up before it happens, but I understand that there is nothing I can do to stop him from drinking or destroying his life.
I have been working on the victim's declaration for my presence at the courthouse on February 28 and someone from an victim's help group will be present. I have also had a few sessions with a therapist who suggested that when I had bad memories that take over, to write them down. It actually helps to rid myself of these memories.
I know he blames me for his alcoholism, he blames me for his lack of funds, he blames me for not being happy, but the same way that I cannot blame him for my happiness, or the way my life will unfold from this moment on, I hope that one day he wakes up and takes responsibility for his actions.
This forum is truly helping me, thank you all.
My issue at this point is not really him calling as much as the random calls I got recently from the internet provider who still had me on the account, the employer who had me as the spouse, the police who took the information from the employer, the clients who are trying to reach him and since the company was mine before, they are calling me. I am making it very clear that I am not in contact with him and do not want to be.
The worse case scenario is that he will continue to drink and because he only has one kidney he will pass away. I hope he wakes up before it happens, but I understand that there is nothing I can do to stop him from drinking or destroying his life.
I have been working on the victim's declaration for my presence at the courthouse on February 28 and someone from an victim's help group will be present. I have also had a few sessions with a therapist who suggested that when I had bad memories that take over, to write them down. It actually helps to rid myself of these memories.
I know he blames me for his alcoholism, he blames me for his lack of funds, he blames me for not being happy, but the same way that I cannot blame him for my happiness, or the way my life will unfold from this moment on, I hope that one day he wakes up and takes responsibility for his actions.
This forum is truly helping me, thank you all.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
We are glad to have you here—this is so hard to deal with and if you haven’t had a family member who is alcoholic, it is very hard to understand the pain and difficulty of loving someone, but also protecting yourself and your future.
Since alcoholism is progressive without treatment, chances are he will keep getting worse if he doesn’t choose to stop or get some help to stop. That’s his choice as an adult, but that doesn’t make it any easier to see, even at a distance.
The saying (one among many) around here is “let go or be dragged” and it looks like you are well on your way to doing that. Difficult feelings will come up as you work through what’s already happened and happening now. Can you get some additional face-to-face support to get through it?
Venting / sharing here is also incredibly helpful as we get what many others don’t—if you haven’t lived it, it is pretty hard to really understand the mixed feelings. I’ve been both sides of the fence—Family of addict(s) and alcoholic (I no longer drink) myself.
Drinking destroys not only the addict, but the family dynamic. I hope very much he quits, but it sounds like he is pretty entrenched right now. It is typical for the addict to look for resources and a softer landing when things really start crashing. My feeling is this is what he may be trying to do with you. The blame is a tactic towards that—don’t believe it and hold your own truth.
Take care and be safe—
Since alcoholism is progressive without treatment, chances are he will keep getting worse if he doesn’t choose to stop or get some help to stop. That’s his choice as an adult, but that doesn’t make it any easier to see, even at a distance.
The saying (one among many) around here is “let go or be dragged” and it looks like you are well on your way to doing that. Difficult feelings will come up as you work through what’s already happened and happening now. Can you get some additional face-to-face support to get through it?
Venting / sharing here is also incredibly helpful as we get what many others don’t—if you haven’t lived it, it is pretty hard to really understand the mixed feelings. I’ve been both sides of the fence—Family of addict(s) and alcoholic (I no longer drink) myself.
Drinking destroys not only the addict, but the family dynamic. I hope very much he quits, but it sounds like he is pretty entrenched right now. It is typical for the addict to look for resources and a softer landing when things really start crashing. My feeling is this is what he may be trying to do with you. The blame is a tactic towards that—don’t believe it and hold your own truth.
Take care and be safe—
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Join Date: Feb 2022
Posts: 12
I do not have any alcoholics in my family so this took me by surprise, it was progressive, it was already there before we met, but I failed to recognize it.
Over the years the thing that bothered me the most is that when he would drink for days, I would come to a point where I would retreat to the bedroom, door closed, to avoid the emotional violence that he would hurl at me. But that wasn't enough, it would happen anyway. I would cry and he would say that he was doing it to himself not to me, that he was only hurting himself, not me. His lack of understanding of the relationship that I found myself in was beyond me.
Of course, even more than a year after the end of the relationship, even after I had him arrested for criminal harassment, his behaviour, such as giving my name as a spouse to an employer I know nothing about, is astounding.
Thank you for your insight Hawkeye, I really appreciate it.
Over the years the thing that bothered me the most is that when he would drink for days, I would come to a point where I would retreat to the bedroom, door closed, to avoid the emotional violence that he would hurl at me. But that wasn't enough, it would happen anyway. I would cry and he would say that he was doing it to himself not to me, that he was only hurting himself, not me. His lack of understanding of the relationship that I found myself in was beyond me.
Of course, even more than a year after the end of the relationship, even after I had him arrested for criminal harassment, his behaviour, such as giving my name as a spouse to an employer I know nothing about, is astounding.
Thank you for your insight Hawkeye, I really appreciate it.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,420
I am not sure what your responsibility is here- why do you feel compelled to deal with his clients? He has been manipulating you and messing up your life for so long.... It sounds like you have enough evidence against him with his contacting you- I would BLOCK every mode of communication and as Hawkeye said- let everyone know, LOUDLY, that you have no further ties with this person. If necessary, have your lawyer write a letter to his employer to not contact you. Enough is enough- you don't deserve any of this. I wish you peace going forward- You are not responsible for this person, his mess or whatever happens next. By responding to him, he continues to control you, and it's pretty evident that's what he's after.
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Join Date: Feb 2022
Posts: 12
I have no responsibility regarding his employer as I didn't even know he had an employer.
I do have to answer when the police calls however.
As for the clients, it used to be my company, he would help from time to time. After he quit his job without telling me, he said he was going to take over the clients as I now had a full time job.
When we broke up I gave him my shares of the company. I don't feel responsible to support or help the clients, I only answered to tell them that I don't know where my ex is and am not in contact with him.
I have not been in contact with my ex since last August when I stopped responding to all his calls, texts and emails, which just increased the harassment. He gave me no other choice but to press charges against him. We had a court date on December 1 when he pleaded not guilty, and we have another court date on February 28.
Yesterday I had a knee-jerk reaction after two calls from people looking for him. I spent 18 years taking care of him, 18 years trying to save him from himself. To find out that he has been "lost" since last Monday and that he was heard drunk on the phone at 9am on Thursday, just had my head spinning. I started wondering what I could do again to help or to save him.
This is what brought me to this forum, and with everyone's help, my head stopped spinning, my brain took over from my emotions and I know that there is nothing I can do.
If, to be honest, he is ignoring calls from clients and others just to force me to call him, he is definitely sicker and more controlling than I thought.
I do have to answer when the police calls however.
As for the clients, it used to be my company, he would help from time to time. After he quit his job without telling me, he said he was going to take over the clients as I now had a full time job.
When we broke up I gave him my shares of the company. I don't feel responsible to support or help the clients, I only answered to tell them that I don't know where my ex is and am not in contact with him.
I have not been in contact with my ex since last August when I stopped responding to all his calls, texts and emails, which just increased the harassment. He gave me no other choice but to press charges against him. We had a court date on December 1 when he pleaded not guilty, and we have another court date on February 28.
Yesterday I had a knee-jerk reaction after two calls from people looking for him. I spent 18 years taking care of him, 18 years trying to save him from himself. To find out that he has been "lost" since last Monday and that he was heard drunk on the phone at 9am on Thursday, just had my head spinning. I started wondering what I could do again to help or to save him.
This is what brought me to this forum, and with everyone's help, my head stopped spinning, my brain took over from my emotions and I know that there is nothing I can do.
If, to be honest, he is ignoring calls from clients and others just to force me to call him, he is definitely sicker and more controlling than I thought.
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