Alcoholic (sober) ex husband is driving me insane
 

So it goes….

My 17 year old son is currently dealing with teenage rage issues (he has a mental health issue)

I am dealing with it - this is where he is right now - have counsellors and psychiatrist, taking it day at a time

ex Husband sees him every other weekend. Most recently ex split from his GF due to sons issues allegedly (not sure how it is related as she never interacted with son and he only sees him twice a month), and claims that he is not in a right mental state to attend to his needs, and keeps messing with my weekend plans when it is his weekend, calling, complaining, panicking…..about sons behavior, whining, crying crocodile tears etc

I manage to work full time, pay for everything (ex makes a lot less than me so pays minimal
child support), and handle everything related to son and his multiple and somewhat complex health issues. I don’t call him ever. He manages to call me every hour while I am spending time with BF on my kid free weekend, claims I am psychotic - this is the only reason I can handle my sons behavior, and that boyfriend will leave me because of sons issues (boyfriend is very well acquainted with son and his issues and accompanied us to ER and doctors on multiple occasions, and is being very understanding)

Also notes all my purchases and is clearly jealous. I really think he would like me to be below poverty level, struggling and miserable.

And all this after being doing so well for a couple of years - I actually started to like him again :(

What to do and how to explain that his son needs him to be an appropriate male role model? I guess I should just let go and let god - but it is not fair. I handle everything and plan for sons future (special needs trust etc), and ex just screams and cries and panics and does NOTHING to help with anything. Just don’t understand how you can show so much emotion while caring so little. I am the opposite - I show little emotion, but take care of things…..

Would you be ok with your ex not having your Son for visitation? Maybe a couple of visits a month to go out and do something but no weekends/overnights?

Obviously he is just making your world harder and contributing nothing to your Son's life either.

Then I have no break/personal time at all. Son requires a lot of supervision due to multiple health issues. And I do love to travel on my own to unwind

No family around to support us either :(

I totally understand. Is there anyone else he can stay with? If not, what about a facility of some sort, treatment facility, shared supportive living. It might worthwhile asking his doctors? There may be programs in your area for help for caregivers like you for little to no cost.

It's certainly worth looking in to maybe, doesn't sound like having your ex calling you crying is giving you much of a break.

Dear Nata
I am so sorry to read about your situation. I really feel sorry for the poor kid. At a time in life when hormones are raging and kids tend to be crazy anyway, he has the mental health issues to deal with.

There is an old saying from AlAnon, that we "can't buy bread at the Hardware Store."

Your ex just doesn't have it within him to deal properly with your son's illness. Maybe he will over time, if he is working his recovery program. Part of recovery is shifting from a self- absorbed focus. You can have that conversation with him if you want to try.

Gosh...too much for you to deal with!! If that time when exAH was responsible for your son could just be peaceful it would allow you some much needed breathing room/recuperation. How frustrating.

Sometimes, esp as I have those old codie tenedencies, people in my family see that I "handle" difficulties really well. I am decisive, I do my research, I make a plan and manage things pretty well. So they act like I have some "magical" power that is not accessible to them. I get those calls, "You do this, you're so good at this. I can't handle it!"

Sometimes I just handle it - yes - because the freaking hassle of having to listen to fully competent adults whine like children and wave their arms is worse than me just taking it on and quickly resolving it. But this leads to MY burn out. And has led to them thinking they can just act all overwhelmed and not take any responsibility - I am depriving them of growth opportunities maybe.

Nowadays I try to put the ball back in their court if that's where it belongs. I say things like, "You keep saying I am better at this - but do you know why? It didn't just happen magically! It's because I have done years of therapy, I have worked very hard on changing myself and growing, I have read tons of books and done workbooks, have gone to hundreds of AlAnon meetings and put the program tools into practice. All these things are available to YOU too! What help have YOU sought out (besides asking me for help!) for this problem? What does YOUR therapist say? Because mine says I should not be the one solving YOUR problems."

The alcoholics I know have spent years not dealing with their feelings, when they get sober (but are not actively working some form of recovery program) their bar for handling frustration, sadness, tedium, is very low. I've seen my Abrothers, when sober, just completely flip out and overreact to all kinds of low level problems...so the fact that your exAH can't handle the higher stress complex nature of your son's behavioral issues is not surprising. And my guess is if his gf left him "because of your son" .....ummmmm, no it was probably because, like you, she cannot be "the fixer" and was tired of him turning to her for answers instead of seeking his own professional advisor and seeking out better skills to help manage his son's problems.

It's so hard. Sometimes I feel like I can be punished for learning how to manage difficult situations....like people assume I'm "strong" and don't need help or time off. We talk a lot about boundaries on here, and I know this is where boundaries come in...I still really struggle with taking the time I know I need for myself, letting chaos exist in other people's lives on their side of the street. It would be especially hard if, like you, the exAH's behavior was causing any kind of further turmoil or setback for my minor son. UGH. I really feel for your predicament. ((((hugs))))

Peace,
B

Sorry you have this going on. I have recently being reading about "weaponised incompetency".

What you share about the behaviour your ex uses makes me think of it. It is basically a tool to get people out of doing adult things they don't want to do.

My late AH used this tool too.

"weaponised incompetency"

Oh my gosh. What an accurate term!

Peace,
B.