Impulse to set a boundary with ex A
 

Hi there, thoughts welcome! Ex A / 2 year old son's dad turned up 5 hours late to pick him up for the weekend. I am already feeling under stress trying to reach a project deadline by 3rd jan, and now i was trying to work out alternative childcare. He showed up smelling of alcohol, then he told me he'd be taking him for a "steak pie" dinner at his mum's.

This might sound bizarre to some of you but somehow that tipped me over the edge more than the booze, or maybe it was really the booze and overall disrespect. I used to be vegan but since my pregnancy i became veg/fish diet only. He knows this. The nursery knows the dietary requirements. But he sat there dictating that he'll feed "his son" whatever he wants (and admitted he's been giving him red meat every time he stays with him) and went on to criticise me for not giving him enough protein.which is just total BS. I feed him plenty and i breastfeed too. I don't drink or smoke. Typical for him to put me down whenever I stand up for what I want, only this time i no longer have the fear of him breaking up with me so i stood my ground on what i want.

He refused to do what i asked so I told him to leave my house and that he won't see our son at all unless he agrees to my requirements and not show up stinking of booze.

I've now put myself under more stress due to losing work time but I feel like i was right to draw a line and start the new year the way i want to go on. I.e. express my truth and not stand for anyone's . disrespect !

But i'm also now second guessing myself since it's new year and i basically ruined the weekend...or maybe he did?? Any guidance here would be good! I think it's the first time I've ever set a boundary with him leaving me in a kind of unknown territory here. I said if he doesn't adhere to my rules, then he can get a lawyer but i won't be changing my mind. I just need to follow through on this now and no longer rely on him for childcare... he is typcially very supportive and reliable (when he's not late due to a binge sesh! ) just don't know if I'm being too harsh but i think that could be the old me talking.

So, Surfbee, am I to understand that the child’s father was planning to drive your child around drunk? Did I get this wrong?

That was the first thought that went through my mind. Everything else seems insignificant compared to that.

I would agree that the primary concern is that your son not be supervised or transported by someone who is drunk and incapacitated. I'd suggest you speak with an attorney regarding supervised visitation and / or testing prior to visitation to ensure your son's safety.

As far as the dietary issues, it can be rough co - parenting with someone who is not willing to compromise (aside from the alcoholism). It is difficult to get legal documentation to support specific dietary guidelines and next to impossible to ensure compliance, as far as what happens on visitation, unless you can document allergies, sensitivities, and / or medical conditions that require certain dietary guidelines. If there are allergies, you can document how your son is feeling before and after visitation, for example if there are hives or vomiting; if there's not a medical reason, it might be very difficult to dictate what nutrition looks like for the other parent, and may be something you let go of for right now.

I can tell you that my grown child that went on visitation with ex AH learnt the differences between the two homes, and has made strong personal choices about ethics, diet, beliefs, and substance abuse. They do learn from how we live and what we model, so even if it feels in vain right now to you, your son will see how you live and will learn healthy habits from you.

Thanks for your responses. I'd been with this person for 5 years and broke up permanently a few months ago, He was emotionally abusive. I became adept at compartmentalizing. I would be easily persuaded by how high-functioning he presents himself to be and I got very used to being gaslit (and gaslighting myself) and the smell of booze became the norm.

Today it was a huge trigger for me as he'd been sober since we broke up but evidently back on it. As I said, it is bizarre that I focused heavily on the dietary stuff as oppose to the drinking. Perhaps because I know I will never ever be able to control that. Maybe for a moment today, I thought I could control 'something' else... like the food! As you said sage - that's something I need to let go of and don't have any control over.

He drove to my house expecting to drive my son back to his parents. He denied being drunk but when you smell alcohol off someone like that, they're obviously still drunk but something happened in my mind... old pattern of normalising it. And so my mind switched to the other less significant issue. Cognitive dissonance here I'm guessing. Whatever happened in my head, i'll thank my inner voice for refusing point-blank to let him take him. I take that as something shifting in me.

If it took the double dose of disrespect to really look at it, well that's good then, his "meat pie" accomplished something in your favour. Who describes the menu, he obviously wanted to hit your buttons, rather mean thing to do, but so be it, that's him.

It can be normalized, there can be excuses made over the years but you've had this experience now. You will be on alert for any drinking. He may lose interest in visitation at some point, especially now that boundary has been made.

In no way was it too harsh (not even a tiny bit).

Thanks Trailmix. Yes his "meat pie" did accomplish something good! lol

I'm aware now yes. He came to my door today (not smelling of booze and appeared sober) and agreed on my terms but there was more denial. I explained that it was the big elephant in the room/alcohol that was the whole issue here. He denied being drunk. He said he was hungover and didn't shower. I said no that's a lie and you're lying to yourself.

Eventually he agreed he wasn't fit to supervise yesterday and he should have cancelled. He said he didn't want to let me down. I said I would prefer you let me down than turn up smelling like a freaking pub. I said it was insane and even I was almost denying it to myself. He said he will not do that again. I said he can't take him until I figure out a way to manage this.

Soberlink isn't an option here in the UK as it only transmits data in the US. I'm hoping a breathalyzer kit will be a helpful way forward. I just ordered one and I'll seek advice from a lawyer this week about options. I don't see what else I can do... just stay on alert.

I can also foresee him being relieved about opting out of responsibility whenever he chooses to drink so from my end I just always need to have a plan B in place.

Surfbee, I'm sure you know that protecting your child is THE priority here. If the child's father can show up drunk, then he can GET drunk with the child in his care, then drive. It happens all over the world.

How exhausting for you to have to deal with this rubbish. I am sorry you have this in your life.

Pick your battles! Showing up drunk is a battle! Feeding the child/ren meat is not. I agree with not sending the child/ren. I dont agree about having everything your way when the child/ren are in the other parent's care. If you want to be vegan, that's your choice but you can not force the other parent to feed vegan if they are not. But it seems you get that after reading through. Just remember it'd be like him putting rules on you on how to raise said child/ren in your home. This will give the child/ren a choice on how they choose to eat as they grow and that's a good thing.