Just sadness and aftermath of living with an AH
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Just sadness and aftermath of living with an AH
Not sure why but this week has been really tough on my heart ....I am feeling lonely but I have so many loving people in my life. I don't know why I am focusing on the parts of myself that I feel worthless in ... My therapist calls it the "little girl in me" vs "the adult me"....
It is like there is this adult version in me that has self talk that goes something like this " You are an amazing friend, daughter and sister... you have really good employees, a fairly successful company and you are doing so much self help things ....( it is like it you bucket list ), you put others before you when it matters and you love whole heartedly".... then I have my little girl self talk that goes more like this " You are too much and that is why your exAH left you, you required too much attention, you thought you were a good person but if you were then why does every romantic relationship end this way... screw it, just date someone who doesn't deserve you cause they leave anyway so what is the point... Kaya, if your own husband could leave you in an hour than anyone could so why be close to people".....
These are my 2 competing thought processes... I guess maybe this is normal to have so much back a forth in my heart and head while grieving? I just reread what I wrote above and started to cry. There is for sure some trauma there... I think that there are the regular feelings of loss and divorce and grieving what happened and then there is the part of feeling that someone can leave so suddenly ... I just feel lost right now... in this moment..
Thank you for listening
It is like there is this adult version in me that has self talk that goes something like this " You are an amazing friend, daughter and sister... you have really good employees, a fairly successful company and you are doing so much self help things ....( it is like it you bucket list ), you put others before you when it matters and you love whole heartedly".... then I have my little girl self talk that goes more like this " You are too much and that is why your exAH left you, you required too much attention, you thought you were a good person but if you were then why does every romantic relationship end this way... screw it, just date someone who doesn't deserve you cause they leave anyway so what is the point... Kaya, if your own husband could leave you in an hour than anyone could so why be close to people".....
These are my 2 competing thought processes... I guess maybe this is normal to have so much back a forth in my heart and head while grieving? I just reread what I wrote above and started to cry. There is for sure some trauma there... I think that there are the regular feelings of loss and divorce and grieving what happened and then there is the part of feeling that someone can leave so suddenly ... I just feel lost right now... in this moment..
Thank you for listening
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
I thought of this when I read your post.
“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil–he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”
He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you–and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
The Fight of Two Wolves Within You
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life:“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil–he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”
He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you–and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by trailmix 
I thought of this when I read your post.
“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil–he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”
He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you–and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
The Fight of Two Wolves Within You
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life:“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil–he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”
He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you–and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
It's hugely damaging. It has so many components that it hits. Self worth, confidence, questioning your perceptions (from gaslighting and manipulation and just plain things that make no sense). You can lose who you are when you constantly have to be aware of what you say and do so as not to trigger some negative response, so you start acting - not like your true self.
I think it's normal to grieve any way we do. For me, when I had first broken up with someone I didn't want to go out in the world with people either, I didn't LIKE people. I found it really strange. I mean I disliked people I passed in a store, on the way to the store, everyone and I remember thinking omg I hate this feeling. Normally you pass people by without a second thought. So I thought where is that coming from? I realized I didn't think much of myself at that point (for whatever reason). It wasn't that I disliked others so much as it was not liking myself so I found other people threatening, if that makes sense. Once I realized that, once I was lightening up and feeling better, those feelings passed. Looking at it and questioning it helped too.
You are doing ok, this will get better and better. It's annoying for you I'm sure to still have times of grief and feeling rather lost, but it will get better. You are used to being part of a couple. Even if you had parted on great terms, that's a really big thing to get used to, being single again.
Yes, I see the battle you are having, keep feeding the good feelings and they will win, it will take time. Every time you get in to one of those negative spirals, stop and question each thing you are saying to yourself.
I think it's normal to grieve any way we do. For me, when I had first broken up with someone I didn't want to go out in the world with people either, I didn't LIKE people. I found it really strange. I mean I disliked people I passed in a store, on the way to the store, everyone and I remember thinking omg I hate this feeling. Normally you pass people by without a second thought. So I thought where is that coming from? I realized I didn't think much of myself at that point (for whatever reason). It wasn't that I disliked others so much as it was not liking myself so I found other people threatening, if that makes sense. Once I realized that, once I was lightening up and feeling better, those feelings passed. Looking at it and questioning it helped too.
You are doing ok, this will get better and better. It's annoying for you I'm sure to still have times of grief and feeling rather lost, but it will get better. You are used to being part of a couple. Even if you had parted on great terms, that's a really big thing to get used to, being single again.
Yes, I see the battle you are having, keep feeding the good feelings and they will win, it will take time. Every time you get in to one of those negative spirals, stop and question each thing you are saying to yourself.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
I have noticed that though I mostly have good days, there are some days I slip into "old" thinking. It is very subtle, and I haven't been noticing this shift until I hear myself saying really negative things to myself, getting very down on myself. Once I realise I've made this shift, I try to shift back with some self care, soothing care, but oftentimes it is an overnight process to reset, so to speak. This very much seems to come from the little girl place you describe, Kaya. I know that I had experienced some difficult things as a small child, to this day there are things I've been told happened but I still have no memory of them.
I'm not very far along in this healing process, so once I've "reset," I have a light bulb moment. I just wish the light bulb moment would happen before I shift into this "old" thinking. This is the challenge for me right now, to notice the cues and triggers earlier.
I'm not very far along in this healing process, so once I've "reset," I have a light bulb moment. I just wish the light bulb moment would happen before I shift into this "old" thinking. This is the challenge for me right now, to notice the cues and triggers earlier.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kaya...I know that you feel like this has been a long time, but, I see this as more like approaching the mid point of the overal grieving process. Grieving is hard...hard...hard. You did suffer a terrible trauma---one that pulled the rug completely from under you. You not only suffered loss---but traumatic loss.
It is good that you are working soo hard in moving forward and you are doing well in many regards----but, I think that you hold your self to standards of "perfection"----you have probably underestimated how long to alloow for the grieving.
I knoow that you wish the whole thing was done and dusted----but grieving doesn't work that way. Grief takes as long as it takes---but, lord have mercy, it takes longer than this for how deeply you have been wounded.
It is good that you are working soo hard in moving forward and you are doing well in many regards----but, I think that you hold your self to standards of "perfection"----you have probably underestimated how long to alloow for the grieving.
I knoow that you wish the whole thing was done and dusted----but grieving doesn't work that way. Grief takes as long as it takes---but, lord have mercy, it takes longer than this for how deeply you have been wounded.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
There comes a point in time when we become aware of the destructive role addiction is playing in our relationship. We start questioning / battleing our addicts in ways which when it starts to happen they know full well the end is coming, its only a matter of time.
Our addicts have been through this process before with such things as relationships with family, friends, loved ones, & even employment. They know once this certain type of questioning starts they will either have to completely stop their addictive behavior (not likely) or move on. Moving on lets them continue doing what they love most.
I know you feel like he just picked up & left with his kids like in an hour. Im sure he knew & was thinking about moving on long before. They know whats coming & they know how to protect what they love most.
Mine had no choice with me but to move on. It really wasnt even a choice for her - she was moving on. The choice was really on me to somehow find the strength to let go.
It takes time away for this to get better - possibly a long time.
Our addicts have been through this process before with such things as relationships with family, friends, loved ones, & even employment. They know once this certain type of questioning starts they will either have to completely stop their addictive behavior (not likely) or move on. Moving on lets them continue doing what they love most.
I know you feel like he just picked up & left with his kids like in an hour. Im sure he knew & was thinking about moving on long before. They know whats coming & they know how to protect what they love most.
Mine had no choice with me but to move on. It really wasnt even a choice for her - she was moving on. The choice was really on me to somehow find the strength to let go.
It takes time away for this to get better - possibly a long time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 55
EXACTLY what HardLesson said! I went through that with AXH when I had finally had enough. Gave an ultimatum and he had an affair soon after. His version of moving on because “the ultimatum didn’t sit well” with him.
And I repeated it after my divorce in a close friendship with an emotionally unavailable man with some level of drinking problem. I finally told him I needed to move forward and he just walked away too.
There is still so much sadness. I struggled with why they couldn’t have chosen me over alcohol. But they didn’t and couldn’t. And I know it was them not me.
But I realized this morning reading this thread that I have been grieving for 4 years now, since I found out about the affair, through my divorce (with him 24 years), and through the end of my friendship. So it is not fast and quick. And if I had done the work after my divorce that I am doing now, I might have saved some time in all this grief, but maybe not.
The work in the last 9 months has been to grieve my marriage. Grieve my mother who has dementia and heart failure and forgiving her for her emotional unavailability (resulting in my choice of men). And finally being ok by myself.
So allow it to take time. And, as they say, trust the process. It truly is a process to become healthy again.
And I repeated it after my divorce in a close friendship with an emotionally unavailable man with some level of drinking problem. I finally told him I needed to move forward and he just walked away too.
There is still so much sadness. I struggled with why they couldn’t have chosen me over alcohol. But they didn’t and couldn’t. And I know it was them not me.
But I realized this morning reading this thread that I have been grieving for 4 years now, since I found out about the affair, through my divorce (with him 24 years), and through the end of my friendship. So it is not fast and quick. And if I had done the work after my divorce that I am doing now, I might have saved some time in all this grief, but maybe not.
The work in the last 9 months has been to grieve my marriage. Grieve my mother who has dementia and heart failure and forgiving her for her emotional unavailability (resulting in my choice of men). And finally being ok by myself.
So allow it to take time. And, as they say, trust the process. It truly is a process to become healthy again.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
I relate to so much of this. I keep going in and out of some very dark places within myself. But whenever I go to the dark places, I wind up learning something really important over time. But going THROUGH it never gets easier.
The other day I found myself in such a place of low self-worth I felt like I was completely devoid of love. I had none. I couldn’t feel it from anyone who I already KNEW loved me and was there saying it to me or acting with love. I was this black void that sucked up love and it just disappeared and never actually reached me. It was awful. Self-hating thoughts out the WAZOO. I couldn’t do anything to stop it and neither could anyone else. I didn’t conquer it, it just passed. The next day when it was gone, I had this flash of “maybe that’s what it feels like in your XAH’s brain.” Maybe he was watching me love him, wishing with all his might he could feel it, but he just couldn’t. It’s no excuse, but it did give me a new insight I didn’t have before.
And other shadow-aspects of me have taught me other things as well. So, hopefully, there will be something on the other side of this next level of pain, that will be a new awakening for you! And hopefully, you will every day be more able to love yourself for just existing, because you are valuable, exactly who you are, without doing anything or achieving anything. Millions of crazy things had to happen for you to exist, so there’s a reason you are here. You are the realization of several people’s dreams!
The other day I found myself in such a place of low self-worth I felt like I was completely devoid of love. I had none. I couldn’t feel it from anyone who I already KNEW loved me and was there saying it to me or acting with love. I was this black void that sucked up love and it just disappeared and never actually reached me. It was awful. Self-hating thoughts out the WAZOO. I couldn’t do anything to stop it and neither could anyone else. I didn’t conquer it, it just passed. The next day when it was gone, I had this flash of “maybe that’s what it feels like in your XAH’s brain.” Maybe he was watching me love him, wishing with all his might he could feel it, but he just couldn’t. It’s no excuse, but it did give me a new insight I didn’t have before.
And other shadow-aspects of me have taught me other things as well. So, hopefully, there will be something on the other side of this next level of pain, that will be a new awakening for you! And hopefully, you will every day be more able to love yourself for just existing, because you are valuable, exactly who you are, without doing anything or achieving anything. Millions of crazy things had to happen for you to exist, so there’s a reason you are here. You are the realization of several people’s dreams!
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