TerpGal

Hi all. Long time no see! RAH and I have now been married for 15 years and in August, he celebrated his 7th year of sobriety. Things had been, for the most part, going well. We never had any children despite both of us desperately wanting to be parents. During RAH's active drinking I absolutely refused to bring a kid into that situation. I am the daughter of a still active alcoholic and I refused to put a child through that.

Anyway, I digress. After RAH had about 5 years under his belt and we still really, really wanted to be parents we decided to start trying. Nothing happened. We ended up finding out I had endometriosis and a low egg reserve (was also 39 when we learned this info). It took 2 surgeries and 5 tries at IVF but thankfully it worked and we are due in June. I am beyond thrilled but this whole experience has brought up a lot of really complicated emotions and resentments. Fertility treatments are no walk in the park. It's physically and emotionally grueling. A little traumatizing if I'm being real. Add to this, I am now 41 which puts me in the "high risk" category along with all the other worries that cone with being an older mom. I keep wondering what it would have been like if I could have done this when I was younger. And then I am reminded of WHY I couldn't do this and the anger comes rushing in. How much time, opportunity, and dreams I lost while he was drinking. And it's "he ruined my life" all over again. And this incredibly intense anger at myself for not having the self respect and courage to continue allowing myself to be treated that way/put up with the whole situation.

This is all extremely unhealthy I know. I should just be super happy I get this opportunity. Idk. Just venting I guess.

sage1969

How exciting for you, I'm so pleased to see so many good things happening for you!

Please be assured that many women have healthy babies after the age of 40 -- I had one of those "geriatric pregnancies." The words the medical community uses! Anyway, eat and sleep well, enjoy the experience, be happy. Your body knows what to do. One of the biggest parts of this blessing is that you and your husband are ready now.

I can understand the underlying resentment, but what is important now is this moment, not so much the past. Being angry with yourself over something you cannot change, well, you know how futile that is. Try to make peace with that part of your past.

What exciting and wonderful news!

SparkleKitty

The truth is when addiction is part of the equation, we lose things. It isn't fair. I am struggling with these feelings right now, too--lost time, lost opportunities, things I gave up because I needed to protect myself from further harm.

It's totally naturally to be feeling these things, and you should let yourself grieve that lost time. I suspect, sometime in the middle of next year, these feelings will subside due when you are devoting all your time and energy to the wonderful new life you are bringing into this world.

The mother you are going to be because you made it through these experiences is the mother your child needs and deserves.

dandylion

TerpGal......I suspect that you are going through a grieving process over the things that you feel that you have lost. We always grieve the loss of the things that we lost. Perhaps you stuffed your emotions at the time.....but emotions that have been swept under the rug, have a way of bubbling to the surface at a later time.
I also think that at a ti me of great change, we tend to re-evaouate our lives. I seems to me like you might be transitioning the enormous time and energy from achieving conception-----to the realities of devoting your life to the care and nurturing the new life.
My suggestion----why not consider engaging the assistance of a good therapist to guide you through processing the hidden resentments toward your husband and yourself. It would certainly be a good investment in the future of your family.
There is also the fact of the advent of a new baby always brings new stressors into the relationship. This is inevitable, as babies, as wonderful as they are, are exhausting and demanding.
Best to be aware of this and, dealing with these residual emotions would help strengthen your relationship and marriage---a preparation and strengthening for the road ahead..

SmallButMighty

Congrats on your pregnancy Terpgal!

I think you've been given some good insights and advice here. I totally understand having resentments bubbling to the surface, both toward your husband and yourself. Boy-oh-boy have I been there.

I would just like to add, and of course I can only speak for myself here, BUT...both times that I was pregnant all my senses AND emotions were in overdrive. Not only did I have the nose of a bloodhound... but every feeling I had was extremely amplified by those lovely pregnancy hormones. (I wasn't pleased, I was ecstatic! I wasn't perturbed, I was irate! I wasn't sad, I was devastated! etc) I am not saying your feelings of resentment aren't valid, I'm just pointing out that they could also be somewhat affected by the chemical shifts in your body at this time. I also went through some family emotional trauma during my second pregnancy and that caused me some gestational health issues, so I do suggest to try and stay as stress free as possible. Do what you have to do to focus on the good things happening now, not the things you can't change about the past. *hugs*

I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly and I look forward to hearing an update in June!

dandylion

TerpGal........SmallButMighty reminded me of my own 3 pregnancies----dealing with those pregnancy hormones. I had every emotional symptom that she described. My sensitivity to smells were over the roof.

While we are on this subject----the stress of adjusting to the changes that having a new baby brings can be very jarring for the m ale spouse, as well. This can be an important time for the recovering alcoholic to cling especially close to their program|s principles and their sponsor.----as the pressure to relapse can show up, at this time.