Holidays
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Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 73
Holidays
Well, the dreaded first of the holidays is here. My wife’s still in rehab, still won’t dialog with me, and is still all over Facebook and IG looking at dudes profiles with gauges, tats, no shirts, chugging beers, flexing, flipping off the camera, 20-plus years younger than her, and you guessed it… all currently still in or just out of the same facility she’s in. When I emailed some of the administrators and her therapist about her rampant social media use (which is supposed to be strictly prohibited), and her debit account (which is family funds till officially split) getting drained over the course of a month at stores and ATMs around her location, the response I got back was a very unprofessional VM from the therapist saying I was not to contact anyone in the company or they’d have to take “other measures” to block me. Very inspiring.
now we have Thanksgiving. Her parents half heartedly invited me and my daughter to their house. I’ve since found out they’ve been speaking several times a week to my wife after 3.5 months of her not calling them. They have not shared thier new open line of communication with her directly with me. I seem to be the last in line on any info unless I dig it up. First chance I get I feel like putting all the garbage I have about their daughter in front of them. They are very religious, want to believe the best of their 50-year old daughter, and she’s a master manipulator with her sweet demeanor, and caring deeply on the surface, but can’t tell the truth to save her life.
Im not sure where this leaves me except wanting to stay in bed. I spent hours again and a ton of money getting things to the attorney for draft purposes. It’s drained me mentally and there’s still a bunch to dig out of old files, scan, pdf, and put in chronological order so it doesn’t cost more. Looking at that old stuff, coupled with my wife’s almost full year ( this last year she went totally off the rails… it’s been a problem for decades) of flirting, drinking, pills and infidelity all while telling me how much she loved me has left me empty. I took her to rehab paid the 7k, she’s cropped all over me since she’s been in there, now I’m facing having top at another 7k at the end of December if she chooses to keep hiding out and the insurance let’s her… that will be a full 6 months of inpatient ( looking at her electronic tracks it more beefcake, bad guy romance chasing), than concentrating on “rehab”. As I said, she’s a master manipulator and she’s run wild there.
I hate this. 18 years of marriage and family finances crippled and wiped out, and she doesn’t act like she’s a day over freaking 16.
now we have Thanksgiving. Her parents half heartedly invited me and my daughter to their house. I’ve since found out they’ve been speaking several times a week to my wife after 3.5 months of her not calling them. They have not shared thier new open line of communication with her directly with me. I seem to be the last in line on any info unless I dig it up. First chance I get I feel like putting all the garbage I have about their daughter in front of them. They are very religious, want to believe the best of their 50-year old daughter, and she’s a master manipulator with her sweet demeanor, and caring deeply on the surface, but can’t tell the truth to save her life.
Im not sure where this leaves me except wanting to stay in bed. I spent hours again and a ton of money getting things to the attorney for draft purposes. It’s drained me mentally and there’s still a bunch to dig out of old files, scan, pdf, and put in chronological order so it doesn’t cost more. Looking at that old stuff, coupled with my wife’s almost full year ( this last year she went totally off the rails… it’s been a problem for decades) of flirting, drinking, pills and infidelity all while telling me how much she loved me has left me empty. I took her to rehab paid the 7k, she’s cropped all over me since she’s been in there, now I’m facing having top at another 7k at the end of December if she chooses to keep hiding out and the insurance let’s her… that will be a full 6 months of inpatient ( looking at her electronic tracks it more beefcake, bad guy romance chasing), than concentrating on “rehab”. As I said, she’s a master manipulator and she’s run wild there.
I hate this. 18 years of marriage and family finances crippled and wiped out, and she doesn’t act like she’s a day over freaking 16.
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Join Date: Nov 2021
Posts: 299
Really feel for you man, and as you know because you post in my thread, our situations are similar to a point. It doesn't make it any better knowing the holidays are approaching, and I also just want to sleep the days away instead of facing my thoughts all day.
Your wife doesn't seem like she's in recovery, and it seems like the treatment center isn't that great of a place either for how they treated you.
I know it isn't much, but all I can offer you is support and for the hope that things with you get better.
Day by day is all we can do at this point.
Your wife doesn't seem like she's in recovery, and it seems like the treatment center isn't that great of a place either for how they treated you.
I know it isn't much, but all I can offer you is support and for the hope that things with you get better.
Day by day is all we can do at this point.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
About the insurance, do you have control there? Where will the 7k come from? I am assuming after her account was drained you aren't supplying her with money. Perhaps the administrators don't know that you aren't going to pay up and she has told them you will (or she will) - so they are dancing to her tune.
Or they don't want you involved in her treatment at all, hard to say but that's a roadblock best ignored perhaps. If you aren't paying again (and if it isn't legally required there is no way I would), then it's not your side of the street.
Do you want to go to her parents house for dinner? If not, why not say no? I understand why they aren't sharing whatever she says with you, they are her parents and their loyalty to her will always come first.
Or they don't want you involved in her treatment at all, hard to say but that's a roadblock best ignored perhaps. If you aren't paying again (and if it isn't legally required there is no way I would), then it's not your side of the street.
Do you want to go to her parents house for dinner? If not, why not say no? I understand why they aren't sharing whatever she says with you, they are her parents and their loyalty to her will always come first.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by Ez0221 
Really feel for you man, and as you know because you post in my thread, our situations are similar to a point. It doesn't make it any better knowing the holidays are approaching, and I also just want to sleep the days away instead of facing my thoughts all day.
Your wife doesn't seem like she's in recovery, and it seems like the treatment center isn't that great of a place either for how they treated you.
I know it isn't much, but all I can offer you is support and for the hope that things with you get better.
Day by day is all we can do at this point.
Your wife doesn't seem like she's in recovery, and it seems like the treatment center isn't that great of a place either for how they treated you.
I know it isn't much, but all I can offer you is support and for the hope that things with you get better.
Day by day is all we can do at this point.
and am grateful for you reaching out. This is a lonely road.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by trailmix
About the insurance, do you have control there? Where will the 7k come from? I am assuming after her account was drained you aren't supplying her with money. Perhaps the administrators don't know that you aren't going to pay up and she has told them you will (or she will) - so they are dancing to her tune.
Or they don't want you involved in her treatment at all, hard to say but that's a roadblock best ignored perhaps. If you aren't paying again (and if it isn't legally required there is no way I would), then it's not your side of the street.
Do you want to go to her parents house for dinner? If not, why not say no? I understand why they aren't sharing whatever she says with you, they are her parents and their loyalty to her will always come first.
Or they don't want you involved in her treatment at all, hard to say but that's a roadblock best ignored perhaps. If you aren't paying again (and if it isn't legally required there is no way I would), then it's not your side of the street.
Do you want to go to her parents house for dinner? If not, why not say no? I understand why they aren't sharing whatever she says with you, they are her parents and their loyalty to her will always come first.
In the meantime, still mulling over the involvement with the in-laws until I’m able to have a formal sit down to judge the blood vs. water thickness…I’m going to hold off on that 7k check as long as legally possible.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by Leftinthedust
Well, the dreaded first of the holidays is here. My wife’s still in rehab, still won’t dialog with me, and is still all over Facebook and IG looking at dudes profiles with gauges, tats, no shirts, chugging beers, flexing, flipping off the camera, 20-plus years younger than her, and you guessed it… all currently still in or just out of the same facility she’s in. When I emailed some of the administrators and her therapist about her rampant social media use (which is supposed to be strictly prohibited), and her debit account (which is family funds till officially split) getting drained over the course of a month at stores and ATMs around her location, the response I got back was a very unprofessional VM from the therapist saying I was not to contact anyone in the company or they’d have to take “other measures” to block me. Very inspiring.
now we have Thanksgiving. Her parents half heartedly invited me and my daughter to their house. I’ve since found out they’ve been speaking several times a week to my wife after 3.5 months of her not calling them. They have not shared thier new open line of communication with her directly with me. I seem to be the last in line on any info unless I dig it up. First chance I get I feel like putting all the garbage I have about their daughter in front of them. They are very religious, want to believe the best of their 50-year old daughter, and she’s a master manipulator with her sweet demeanor, and caring deeply on the surface, but can’t tell the truth to save her life.
Im not sure where this leaves me except wanting to stay in bed. I spent hours again and a ton of money getting things to the attorney for draft purposes. It’s drained me mentally and there’s still a bunch to dig out of old files, scan, pdf, and put in chronological order so it doesn’t cost more. Looking at that old stuff, coupled with my wife’s almost full year ( this last year she went totally off the rails… it’s been a problem for decades) of flirting, drinking, pills and infidelity all while telling me how much she loved me has left me empty. I took her to rehab paid the 7k, she’s cropped all over me since she’s been in there, now I’m facing having top at another 7k at the end of December if she chooses to keep hiding out and the insurance let’s her… that will be a full 6 months of inpatient ( looking at her electronic tracks it more beefcake, bad guy romance chasing), than concentrating on “rehab”. As I said, she’s a master manipulator and she’s run wild there.
I hate this. 18 years of marriage and family finances crippled and wiped out, and she doesn’t act like she’s a day over freaking 16.
now we have Thanksgiving. Her parents half heartedly invited me and my daughter to their house. I’ve since found out they’ve been speaking several times a week to my wife after 3.5 months of her not calling them. They have not shared thier new open line of communication with her directly with me. I seem to be the last in line on any info unless I dig it up. First chance I get I feel like putting all the garbage I have about their daughter in front of them. They are very religious, want to believe the best of their 50-year old daughter, and she’s a master manipulator with her sweet demeanor, and caring deeply on the surface, but can’t tell the truth to save her life.
Im not sure where this leaves me except wanting to stay in bed. I spent hours again and a ton of money getting things to the attorney for draft purposes. It’s drained me mentally and there’s still a bunch to dig out of old files, scan, pdf, and put in chronological order so it doesn’t cost more. Looking at that old stuff, coupled with my wife’s almost full year ( this last year she went totally off the rails… it’s been a problem for decades) of flirting, drinking, pills and infidelity all while telling me how much she loved me has left me empty. I took her to rehab paid the 7k, she’s cropped all over me since she’s been in there, now I’m facing having top at another 7k at the end of December if she chooses to keep hiding out and the insurance let’s her… that will be a full 6 months of inpatient ( looking at her electronic tracks it more beefcake, bad guy romance chasing), than concentrating on “rehab”. As I said, she’s a master manipulator and she’s run wild there.
I hate this. 18 years of marriage and family finances crippled and wiped out, and she doesn’t act like she’s a day over freaking 16.
I dealt with a bit of acting like a 16 year old just before and when my wife was in rehab. The obsession with men was off the charts. Confused the hell out of me and caused a crazy amount of stress.
Later I found out that virtually everyone in her facility was behaving the same way. Sort of a Rehab Lord of the Flies where everyone was banging or going to bang someone. I think it’s the nature of needing a high of some sort to feel alive. If they can’t get their drug of choice a dopamine dump from sexual attention will do just fine. From more than one even better.
Addicts…Ego maniacs with self esteem issues.
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Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 142
Hi LITD. So sorry for what you are going through. I want to comment on two things. I am no expert, but in some legal jurisdictions there is such a thing as a legal separation (pre-divorce or whatever) in which financial considerations may be different with some separation of funds. That you are on the hook financially for a spouse who is behaving as if she is not married to you is definitely illogical. My second point speaks to her behavior. Many addicts stop progressing in their emotional growth when they begin to use heavily. If a person begins to drink heavily at 14, say, their emotional development is that of a 14 year old at best. The reason she acts like a teenager or even tween may be because, developmentally she is one.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
LITD, I've been thinking about your situation. I get that you're responsible for the deductible legally. That does not mean that you have to put your home and ability to feed yourself at risk. I would look into legal separation or at least consult with an attorney.
At the worst of deceased AHs addictions right before he passed, though I was a highly paid professional, I could barely keep food on the table. He had access to all accounts and drained them, including my retirement funds. I started keeping cash in my work office and started using a separate bank account that I did not tell him about. Not exactly legal, but I had to keep the electric on and feed my children.
You may want to consult about having your own accounts to which she does not have access and limiting the funds you keep in the accounts to which she does have access.
Also, though I'd agree that the deductible conversation should happen with her parents, there is no reason to spend holidays with them solely to have that conversation. It's obvious it would be a toxic situation. This is all hard enough without creating those kinds of holiday memories. It's obvious this is a turning point for you; perhaps spend these holidays making new memories and traditions.
At the worst of deceased AHs addictions right before he passed, though I was a highly paid professional, I could barely keep food on the table. He had access to all accounts and drained them, including my retirement funds. I started keeping cash in my work office and started using a separate bank account that I did not tell him about. Not exactly legal, but I had to keep the electric on and feed my children.
You may want to consult about having your own accounts to which she does not have access and limiting the funds you keep in the accounts to which she does have access.
Also, though I'd agree that the deductible conversation should happen with her parents, there is no reason to spend holidays with them solely to have that conversation. It's obvious it would be a toxic situation. This is all hard enough without creating those kinds of holiday memories. It's obvious this is a turning point for you; perhaps spend these holidays making new memories and traditions.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Hey Left
Sounds like you are exactly on schedule for the continuing ride on the crazy train. ALL ABORD!! Except on this ride, your task is to unhook yourself from the jagged edges of the train's interior. Sounds to me like your doing just that. You are doing the brutal work that has to be done. It will wear you out, why wouldn't it? 18 years of marriage, the trauma of being in an alcoholic marriage is brutal given what you have been on the receiving end for. You don't need it sugar coated, so, here you go. It is gonna keep hurting for a while. It is gonna be confusing, you may even question who you are, how you acted. Truth is you gotta get off that train. It is the best option. The financial stuff is hard...get that lawyer working OT, get him to stop the bleeding, and if he/she cant, get a new one. Don't mess with that, she could drain the accounts. One other thing I may suggest, is to for a time being, distance yourself from the inlaws. Blood is always thicker than water, don't forget that. People who haven't lived it, have no understanding of the crazyness. I got all twisted up with her family and it was so not worth it. They will believe what they will believe. They won't step up, or else they would have already (but who knows), hell, they are likely happy you are covering the bases for them.
I was thinking of an analogy that I wish I used more often in my own situation: imagine you are on that train, no conductor...train is going out of control, there is no way to salvage the direction of the train. You are hooked and snared on the twisted metal and over-turned seats. What must you do? Call her parents, no way!! Dig deep, deal with one thing at a time, free yourself from the hooks, make a plan for the eventual exit, find the best place to jump off. You can draw on the collective wisdom of the people here, connect their stories and strategies to your own and build new solutions for your specific situation.
In my opinion, I think you are doing a heck of a good job. Keep focused, the grief and pain will be with you, no doubt about that.
Sounds like you are exactly on schedule for the continuing ride on the crazy train. ALL ABORD!! Except on this ride, your task is to unhook yourself from the jagged edges of the train's interior. Sounds to me like your doing just that. You are doing the brutal work that has to be done. It will wear you out, why wouldn't it? 18 years of marriage, the trauma of being in an alcoholic marriage is brutal given what you have been on the receiving end for. You don't need it sugar coated, so, here you go. It is gonna keep hurting for a while. It is gonna be confusing, you may even question who you are, how you acted. Truth is you gotta get off that train. It is the best option. The financial stuff is hard...get that lawyer working OT, get him to stop the bleeding, and if he/she cant, get a new one. Don't mess with that, she could drain the accounts. One other thing I may suggest, is to for a time being, distance yourself from the inlaws. Blood is always thicker than water, don't forget that. People who haven't lived it, have no understanding of the crazyness. I got all twisted up with her family and it was so not worth it. They will believe what they will believe. They won't step up, or else they would have already (but who knows), hell, they are likely happy you are covering the bases for them.
I was thinking of an analogy that I wish I used more often in my own situation: imagine you are on that train, no conductor...train is going out of control, there is no way to salvage the direction of the train. You are hooked and snared on the twisted metal and over-turned seats. What must you do? Call her parents, no way!! Dig deep, deal with one thing at a time, free yourself from the hooks, make a plan for the eventual exit, find the best place to jump off. You can draw on the collective wisdom of the people here, connect their stories and strategies to your own and build new solutions for your specific situation.
In my opinion, I think you are doing a heck of a good job. Keep focused, the grief and pain will be with you, no doubt about that.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2021
Posts: 12
so sorry
I hate this. 18 years of marriage and family finances crippled and wiped out, and she doesn’t act like she’s a day over freaking 16.[/QUOTE]
So sorry you are going thru this. It is so painful.. watching the person you love destroy everything you thought you had together. And after committing for such a long time, and seeing them thru so much, it feels like such a huge betrayal. Where is the reciprocity of compassion? Sadly, none exists with addicts. They are takers, not givers. I know this grief and loneliness feels insurmountable sometimes, because I too am feeling it. Stay well and know you are not alone.
So sorry you are going thru this. It is so painful.. watching the person you love destroy everything you thought you had together. And after committing for such a long time, and seeing them thru so much, it feels like such a huge betrayal. Where is the reciprocity of compassion? Sadly, none exists with addicts. They are takers, not givers. I know this grief and loneliness feels insurmountable sometimes, because I too am feeling it. Stay well and know you are not alone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 73
Beachn- went back and read your posts. The situation sounds familiar. Your last post was right when my train went off the rails and I took her to “rehab”, or summer camp, vacation, girls trip, whatever..man my heart goes put to you and hope your situation has improved.
Woodland- I declined the invite to the parents as I found out they also invited my AW. Even if she showed up, which I doubt she’d do, it would be awkward and too much for my brain to handle right now. My daughter and I are going to friends from church for the meal instead. I’m taking the approach of blood being far thicker than water from here on out and being very guarded with the info I’ve catalogued about her actions while in rehab. I think it will be invaluable if custody becomes an issue. My attorney has copies of it all now, still working on the damn financials. She doesn’t have access to any of the other accounts. Since she somehow drained the one she did have, she is now broke. I’m trying not to let my mind run wild after seeing who she’s incessantly searching for on FB.
I can’t control what she does…
Woodland- I declined the invite to the parents as I found out they also invited my AW. Even if she showed up, which I doubt she’d do, it would be awkward and too much for my brain to handle right now. My daughter and I are going to friends from church for the meal instead. I’m taking the approach of blood being far thicker than water from here on out and being very guarded with the info I’ve catalogued about her actions while in rehab. I think it will be invaluable if custody becomes an issue. My attorney has copies of it all now, still working on the damn financials. She doesn’t have access to any of the other accounts. Since she somehow drained the one she did have, she is now broke. I’m trying not to let my mind run wild after seeing who she’s incessantly searching for on FB.
I can’t control what she does…
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 73
Dbryer- I decided to go the filing route after talking to several attorneys who all said it usually ends in divorce anyhow. Plus she’d been a hugely rude and uncaring individual towards me the first 2.5 months in her facility (the second 2.5 have not improved her mood towards me). Many times she told me about starting drinking at age 12 and many, many times over the years her non days of drinking felt to me like I was dealing with a pissy teen.
Sage- I removed her from our joint bank account several years ago. I’d put an extra 50% more into it to cover bills and she still couldn’t get things paid on time, or just do the min amount. I took over all bills and she could put all her funds from her 3/4 time job into a personal account. Now I helped her out monthly also and that’s the account she drained (after I’d put a good chunk in there just before the rehab thing hit, with clear intentions of us sitting down together to talk to her mass of unsecured creditors that she kep hidden from me, and thankfully not with my name… I realize in the end, they can come after me). But she’s broke now.
I am going to talk to her parents on Friday about the 7k deductible. It’s a lot for me right now, as this has just about stopped my née business pipeline. Not only the time I take to be with my daughter more, but just the mental chaos that blocks me from being an effective salesman with a bright outlook… it’s just not there.
Chaos- I agree 100% that the deeper I get into this mess, the mire I believe there is a real aspect to these folks who just don’t want to state reality in the face. The few words I’ve had with my wife in the last 5-months are usually ended with her telling me all I am doing is dredging up the past. In my mind I want some reasonable explanations and answers. In her mind, I’m just “kicking her when she’s down” (as she wrote to an actual AA assoCuste who was making progress with her in Feb…not her fake predator sponsor who turned her against me in a month (on another thread).
But yes, the lack of compassion shown by my AW is horrid towards me. Her voice oozes the sweet syrup she manipulates all others with before they get to really know her, including her kids (who are pretty much on to their moms schtick with that). When she has to say something to me it’s pure vitriol, even though I took her to this place she loves so much, she won’t leave…she’s got a crap ton of work to do to earn anyone’s trust back.
Sage- I removed her from our joint bank account several years ago. I’d put an extra 50% more into it to cover bills and she still couldn’t get things paid on time, or just do the min amount. I took over all bills and she could put all her funds from her 3/4 time job into a personal account. Now I helped her out monthly also and that’s the account she drained (after I’d put a good chunk in there just before the rehab thing hit, with clear intentions of us sitting down together to talk to her mass of unsecured creditors that she kep hidden from me, and thankfully not with my name… I realize in the end, they can come after me). But she’s broke now.
I am going to talk to her parents on Friday about the 7k deductible. It’s a lot for me right now, as this has just about stopped my née business pipeline. Not only the time I take to be with my daughter more, but just the mental chaos that blocks me from being an effective salesman with a bright outlook… it’s just not there.
Chaos- I agree 100% that the deeper I get into this mess, the mire I believe there is a real aspect to these folks who just don’t want to state reality in the face. The few words I’ve had with my wife in the last 5-months are usually ended with her telling me all I am doing is dredging up the past. In my mind I want some reasonable explanations and answers. In her mind, I’m just “kicking her when she’s down” (as she wrote to an actual AA assoCuste who was making progress with her in Feb…not her fake predator sponsor who turned her against me in a month (on another thread).
But yes, the lack of compassion shown by my AW is horrid towards me. Her voice oozes the sweet syrup she manipulates all others with before they get to really know her, including her kids (who are pretty much on to their moms schtick with that). When she has to say something to me it’s pure vitriol, even though I took her to this place she loves so much, she won’t leave…she’s got a crap ton of work to do to earn anyone’s trust back.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by Leftinthedust
Dbryer- I decided to go the filing route after talking to several attorneys who all said it usually ends in divorce anyhow. Plus she’d been a hugely rude and uncaring individual towards me the first 2.5 months in her facility (the second 2.5 have not improved her mood towards me). Many times she told me about starting drinking at age 12 and many, many times over the years her non days of drinking felt to me like I was dealing with a pissy teen.
Sage- I removed her from our joint bank account several years ago. I’d put an extra 50% more into it to cover bills and she still couldn’t get things paid on time, or just do the min amount. I took over all bills and she could put all her funds from her 3/4 time job into a personal account. Now I helped her out monthly also and that’s the account she drained (after I’d put a good chunk in there just before the rehab thing hit, with clear intentions of us sitting down together to talk to her mass of unsecured creditors that she kep hidden from me, and thankfully not with my name… I realize in the end, they can come after me). But she’s broke now.
I am going to talk to her parents on Friday about the 7k deductible. It’s a lot for me right now, as this has just about stopped my née business pipeline. Not only the time I take to be with my daughter more, but just the mental chaos that blocks me from being an effective salesman with a bright outlook… it’s just not there.
Chaos- I agree 100% that the deeper I get into this mess, the mire I believe there is a real aspect to these folks who just don’t want to state reality in the face. The few words I’ve had with my wife in the last 5-months are usually ended with her telling me all I am doing is dredging up the past. In my mind I want some reasonable explanations and answers. In her mind, I’m just “kicking her when she’s down” (as she wrote to an actual AA assoCuste who was making progress with her in Feb…not her fake predator sponsor who turned her against me in a month (on another thread).
But yes, the lack of compassion shown by my AW is horrid towards me. Her voice oozes the sweet syrup she manipulates all others with before they get to really know her, including her kids (who are pretty much on to their moms schtick with that). When she has to say something to me it’s pure vitriol, even though I took her to this place she loves so much, she won’t leave…she’s got a crap ton of work to do to earn anyone’s trust back.
Sage- I removed her from our joint bank account several years ago. I’d put an extra 50% more into it to cover bills and she still couldn’t get things paid on time, or just do the min amount. I took over all bills and she could put all her funds from her 3/4 time job into a personal account. Now I helped her out monthly also and that’s the account she drained (after I’d put a good chunk in there just before the rehab thing hit, with clear intentions of us sitting down together to talk to her mass of unsecured creditors that she kep hidden from me, and thankfully not with my name… I realize in the end, they can come after me). But she’s broke now.
I am going to talk to her parents on Friday about the 7k deductible. It’s a lot for me right now, as this has just about stopped my née business pipeline. Not only the time I take to be with my daughter more, but just the mental chaos that blocks me from being an effective salesman with a bright outlook… it’s just not there.
Chaos- I agree 100% that the deeper I get into this mess, the mire I believe there is a real aspect to these folks who just don’t want to state reality in the face. The few words I’ve had with my wife in the last 5-months are usually ended with her telling me all I am doing is dredging up the past. In my mind I want some reasonable explanations and answers. In her mind, I’m just “kicking her when she’s down” (as she wrote to an actual AA assoCuste who was making progress with her in Feb…not her fake predator sponsor who turned her against me in a month (on another thread).
But yes, the lack of compassion shown by my AW is horrid towards me. Her voice oozes the sweet syrup she manipulates all others with before they get to really know her, including her kids (who are pretty much on to their moms schtick with that). When she has to say something to me it’s pure vitriol, even though I took her to this place she loves so much, she won’t leave…she’s got a crap ton of work to do to earn anyone’s trust back.
Appreciate that and yes things have improved for me. I’ll never forget a moment of it though, that’s for sure.
The lack of compassion always struck me as one of the missing components that was both a symptom and a cause of incredibly poor choices and decisions. The brain damage is real, and it is something I have had to acknowledge and try to understand. It’s doesn’t excuse crap, but at least I have some knowledge of what’s going on. It’s not just a lowering of inhibitions, alcoholics are morphed over time into truly awful people.
Watching someone transform into a stranger right before your eyes is unbearable at times because there’s not a thing you can do.
Taking whatever steps you need to protect yourself now is key. Hang in there. If you can survive living with an alcoholic you’ll thrive in due time. I found I was as addicted to my RAW as she was to booze. Breaking that addiction took work and time.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Leftinthe dust.......you have recieved so much solid feedback---in particular, Beachn and Woodlandlost----as they have walked in your soooo similar shoes. I have aways followed their stories and I can remember what they have gone through. lol...they are like a good "sherpa"on a long journey.
I will add a few of my thoughts for your consideration.
1. If humanly possible, find a face-to-face alanon meeting. Don't underestimate the comforting and healing value of live human contact at a time of great loss and grieving. In my opinion, of workiing with people for my whole life---those with the most caring and compassionate human connections---real life onnections---recover the best. In addition to us, here on SR, of course...lol.
2. If your wife does get into real genuine recovery, it will take years. She may have other co-occuring disorders, in addition to the alcohism. In which case, they will all have to be recognized (diagnosed) and treated. That will have to be done by other recovering alcoholics and competent professionals. It is all above y9ur pay grade. You are too close and you will always be the enemy, in her mind.
3. I don't know your daughter's age, but, I suggest that she would need the support of a counselor and alateen. If you have aany other older children, I strongly suggest that you give them the literature of the group---ACOA---adult children of alcoholics. You can find their "Big Book" and other literature on amazon.com---in the book section.
4, I think you are doing fine, even in your pain. Keep it up and keep all of your support peeps close---including us.....lol.
I will add a few of my thoughts for your consideration.
1. If humanly possible, find a face-to-face alanon meeting. Don't underestimate the comforting and healing value of live human contact at a time of great loss and grieving. In my opinion, of workiing with people for my whole life---those with the most caring and compassionate human connections---real life onnections---recover the best. In addition to us, here on SR, of course...lol.
2. If your wife does get into real genuine recovery, it will take years. She may have other co-occuring disorders, in addition to the alcohism. In which case, they will all have to be recognized (diagnosed) and treated. That will have to be done by other recovering alcoholics and competent professionals. It is all above y9ur pay grade. You are too close and you will always be the enemy, in her mind.
3. I don't know your daughter's age, but, I suggest that she would need the support of a counselor and alateen. If you have aany other older children, I strongly suggest that you give them the literature of the group---ACOA---adult children of alcoholics. You can find their "Big Book" and other literature on amazon.com---in the book section.
4, I think you are doing fine, even in your pain. Keep it up and keep all of your support peeps close---including us.....lol.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Originally Posted by Leftinthedust
Tm-
In the meantime, still mulling over the involvement with the in-laws until I’m able to have a formal sit down to judge the blood vs. water thickness….
In the meantime, still mulling over the involvement with the in-laws until I’m able to have a formal sit down to judge the blood vs. water thickness….
When my ex and I were first separated, I called my sister in law to see about staging an intervention. After all, I had seen it on TV and it looked pretty good.
The sister in law promptly called my ex and told about my phone call. I had ignored the fact that the sister in law tends bar at the local VFW hall in her spare time.
Unless family members of the alcoholic are working their own recovery program, they will try to keep the alcoholic drinking. It's what they are used to.
I am SO sorry about your situation. I know this is a very unsettling and painful time for you. Hang in there and get that divorce. It will get better over time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
when are you filing to divorce?
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