leem03

I did schedule a marriage counseling (MC) appointment for my AH & I for Tuesday. My H asked me to make the appointment, although I'm not sure what for. I am totally confused by this whole thing. He is still staying at the OW's place. He still maintains that they are "Friends" but I don't believe him.

I feel like we're going to walk into this appointment and the woman is just going to laugh in our faces. I told him that I don't understand why he wants to go. That most people who go to MC do so to try & reconcile their relationship and he just doesn't appear to want to do so. I mean how could he want to reconcile, when he's still staying with her??

He doesn't really have a response. Just that he doesn't know what to think. He wants to know what went wrong and why things happened the way they did.

I just don't know what to expect out of this. Have any of you experienced anything like this...I know my situation is different than a lot of yours because of the affair, but I just don't know what to think.I guess I'll just have to wait and see what the counselor has to say about things. I was almost going to ask for them to block us off a spot for 2 sessions, simply because I don't think we'll get anywhere at all in 50 minutes.

I keep wondering if it's because he wants to use it as a way for the counselor to tell us we shouldn't be together & then he won't feel so guilty. I just don't know what to think about it at all!

We attempted to go to MC quite awile back. She suggested Independent counseling (IC), and that we would go back to MC after that. The MC never took place & both of us eventually gave up on the IC too.

I just feel like we need a really strong individual that will be able to put up with our crap & see through his lies. I don't know if anyone is really that capable. I'm really just afraid that she will tell us to give up and let it go.

So again I ask, why does he want to go to counseling? I guess more to the point, why in the world do I still want to be with this looney tune? Why can he do & say these things to me and all I want is to get him to a rational point in his life to realize what he's doing is wrong. Maybe some of you won't understand my thinking at all because of his affair, with his depression & alcoholism, but for some reason I am able to see past the affair & focus on his "disease."

Whatever the outcome is, I know I can't continue to live my life this way. So how do you let go of someone you really feel needs your help. I'm so confused. He is sick. OW or not, I don't know how to turn my back on him.

Sorry this is so long....thanks for reading!

frankly

leem - I understand your feelings completely, My A's other woman is a prostitute. So you might ask me the same questions that you ask yourself. If you want to try and save your marriage then hun give it your best. Don't worry about what it looks like or what other people think. What matters is what you think, what is best for you and your happiness.

But you can't help him, only yourself. It is a great sign that he wants to go to MC. If my husband were to ask me to go to MC I would probably do a little happy dance. At least I would still have that tiny bit of hope that he and I could get better. Even if it didn't work, I would know for my own heart that I had done everything I could.

But it's time to take a really good look at YOU, what do you really want? How can you make your life better regardless of what he does with his. I'm still working on that myself because when I started looking I realized I didn't even know what I wanted any more, because I had been so wrapped up in helping him that I had lost me.

So I read and I read and I read everything I can get my hands on from surviving an affair to surviving addiction. Each time I pick up a tool from those readings it gets a little bit better. Some days I loose the tools then I have to go find them again, but in the process I'm finding myself again.

Why does he want to go to MC, why do you want to be with him? Because when you love someone its hard to let go and even harder to decide what is best when you aren't clear on what you even really want anymore.

I hope some of this made sense.

Hugs and Prayers
Ms. B

Magichappens

Counselling is great if you go for yourself. If you go for someone else, looking for results from them, it will be disappointing.

I really don't understand the marriage counselling thing. Each person has to want to change for counselling to be effective. In most cases I know of, two people don't decide to change at the same time. Maybe if both people are in the process of recovering, and are open to change, this avenue might help. But in most cases, I see one partner driving this, the other dragging their feet.

If you go with the intention of getting some help and healing for yourself, you may get something out of this. He may or may not. I hope you find something helpful in your session. Hugs, Magic

Gracey

Boy, magic did you hit it right on the spot........

after my husband had an affair with a co-worker, and I found out about it, he said that he would do anything I wanted to save our marriage......MC was one, quit drinking was two, going to church was three.....

MC to me was a joke.....he only went because I made him stick to it.......I went because I wanted the counselor to fix him for me and he went because I made him.......(how did this help either one of us) All we did was argue in there and I think nothing was resolved......after about 17 visits maybe 18 we both said this is a bunch of BS, all we both do is go there an argue.....so no more counselling. I feel like I wasted all my visits with him........Next year I am going to start individual counselling, just for me.......I cant do anything about him. Both of us didnt want recovery at the same time.......I didnt even want it..( I thought I did)...I was going to MC to get him fixed.......

quit drinking for me.......he didnt want to and is constantly telling me that he isnt going to do this forever......he just told me this lastnight.........he has drank 4 times since April.....he is constantly telling me he is going to drink again...I have to let go of this........to me this is a tough one.

Church, he has been one time in six weeks, me I havent been at all in six weeks......I was going to church, hoping that he would see the light.......but he was going for me..........and I was going hoping he would see something.........

So this is all still been about him for me.........Atleast I see that now......