Thursdays

Two Thursdays ago the exAH, unbelievably drunk, walked into traffic against the light and was hit by a car. His leg was broken, herniated cervical disk, fractured pelvis. All the physical injuries are healing as they should.
He’s been in the ICU for 11 days (and more) because of his encephalopathy, aggression and delusions. He’s paranoid and agitated. He recognizes his family and loved ones but can’t pin down his location, the general time of day or his reason for being there. He talks about the NSA coming to get him, having a button for teleportation, being marked with a cross so he is easily identifiable and other delusions.

We share custody of our 11 year old. We got divorced two years ago. I am pretty sure that as soon as he no longer had to use soberlink, he started drinking with abandon including during his custody time.

I am scared and frustrated. As soon as he is cogent he goes to regular hospital and then to physical rehab and after that to home or whoever will take him in.

Obviously, according to our parenting plan, he will have to resume soberlink. I’m still really apprehensive. So many what if’s. I’ve already talked to my lawyer who said full custody is really hard to get in my state, that exAH would need to be documented actively putting our son in jeopardy for there to be a case. However it doesn’t take into account all the emotional trauma he may well put our son through while he’s dealing or not dealing with being sober. AND the fact that he’s already snuck and lied about his drinking, drunk with kiddo in his care, made some really dumb choices regarding our son and for the past year done little with our son when he had him, choosing to mostly sit on the couch and watch tv with him during his parenting time.
I’ve spoken with his family about addiction treatment centers and setting something up for him should he choose sobriety, but of course that’s his choice. Given his history and seeing his current core personality I am doubtful that he will experience that necessary sea change but I am also hopeful.

I feel guilty. I drank right along with him and got sober about 8 years ago and stopped. I chose this ****** up partner and now have to watch as my son has this messed up shadow-dad who’s not there emotionally but is still alive, just like my dad.

thank you for letting me write and express my anxieties. Most of his family is on board- they know he needs treatment, that he cannot control his drinking, that he needs professional help. I am unsure they can establish some serious boundaries but I know none of them will send him money and I doubt they will let him live with them (also they all live out of state). I wish I too could establish stronger boundaries of: you’re not seeing your kid until you are in a documented recovery program. But even if he proved that, he would really need to embrace that. I am unsure he will do that.

Eauchiche

Right there with you. I too have been sober almost 8 years.
I had an excellent conversation yesterday with a fellow Al Anon'er who pointed out that the behaviors we employed as coping skills are less important than getting healed from the core problems. This conversation has me going back to Al Anon. This week.

You are doing great as a Mom. You are sober and looking out for your boy. You are in my prayers.

Bernadette

I feel guilty. I drank right along with him and got sober about 8 years ago and stopped. I chose this ****** up partner and now have to watch as my son has this messed up shadow-dad who’s not there emotionally but is still alive, just like my dad.

Yes, you drank with him. Yes you have many regrets. But the past is gone: you are free in THIS moment.

Had a great basketball coach when I was a teenager who used to say, "Don't play the last 5 minutes of the game! Play the next 5 minutes! PLAY NOW!"

It was one of those great "sports lessons" that over time morphed into a great life lesson. If I f*ed up a play and was still in my emotions on the court and beating myself up mentally for my screw-up, then I was almost always inclined to miss the next pass, miss the next scoring opportunity, just keep going down a shame spiral to defeat.

Defeated by my mind! Not my skills!

So it's great advice...but in life, unlike basketball, I needed different tools to get my brain/thoughts out of that spiral so I can play the game ahead of me, the game I'm in today, and not be lost looking backwards or reacting to life's challenges with the hyper-vigiliant, controlling, terrified, shame-filled reactions I learned as a child in an alcoholic/codie home and family.

I found some tools in AlAnon, support here on SR, and tools in one-on-one counseling which include CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), and EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique,) and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprogramming)....and other practices like running, or meditation and tai chi also help me to stay in the moment....all of this to say that there are LOTS of different tools you can explore and see if they work for you and stick 'em in your toolbox.

A great book that inspired me (and still inspires me) to keep trying new things, keep adding whatever helps to my toolbox, is Bessel Van Der Kolk's "The Body Keeps the Score."

I think any adult child of an alcoholic or spouse of an alcoholic would benefit from reading this book. One of the main points I got from it is that there are lots of different modalities to process trauma and stress, and individuals have to find the tools that work best for them. There is no one size fits all. It just starts with the act of asking for and accepting help and following directions to try to foster changes: what addicts and rigid codependents refuse to do.

I like having a full toolbox because when I inevitably go down a dark road and get in a rut in my thinking or behavior I have choices of what will kick start me back to a healthier thought pattern...it's like having a really thick playbook for the basketball court.

The question for me is always, "Do I want to change? Do I want to feel freedom and relief? Am I willing to honestly try this or that and see if it helps?"
​​​​​​​
You've already given your son the AMAZING gift of being the sober parent. Of being the reliable, predictable, steady parent that a child needs. I know you cannot change the past - but believe me your kid will one day recognize how you changed the dynamic. Just sending you a shot of courage to keep growing and changing, keep working on yourself as a gift to your own emotional freedom & strength and as an example for an impressionable child!

Peace,
B.

velma929

"I feel guilty. I drank right along with him and got sober about 8 years ago and stopped. I chose this ****** up partner and now have to watch as my son has this messed up shadow-dad who’s not there emotionally but is still alive, just like my dad."

You don't know what you don't know. My dad wasn't a 'shadow Dad,' he was involved and present (in a 1950s-60s kind of way). I saw him drunk (knowingly) maybe a couple times growing up. By the time Dad's drinking *really* caught up with him, I had been married to an alcoholic for years. It's insidious. If that's what you know, it doesn't seem abnormal.

Amaranth

I feel guilty. I drank right along with him and got sober about 8 years ago and stopped. I chose this ****** up partner and now have to watch as my son has this messed up shadow-dad who’s not there emotionally but is still alive, just like my dad.

This seems to have resonated with many here. I would like to share the CoDA 4th promise

I release myself from worry, guilt, and regret about my past and present. I am aware enough not to
repeat it.

I have been there too, asking myself why I chose a drunk to be the father of my children. Then I look at them and I am filled with gratitude for the gift he gave me. Even if he never did anything right (he did a lot right) he gave me my beautiful kids. As time goes on I see how much my kids are learning about life through watching the consequences of their dad´s poor choices play out. They know that I also drank right up there with him and they can see the result of my choice of sobriety.

trailmix

And on another note, we can choose not great people for us to marry even if everyone is sober!

Will he not be given a psych evaluation based on his behaviour? Treating only his accident injuries seems very irresponsible of them.

Bernadette

[QUOTE=trailmix;7728479]And on another note, we can choose not great people for us to marry even if everyone is sober!

Exactly!! I did. So important to remember this!!
Peace,
B.

Thursdays

Thank you all, so much for the words of support. I’ve been (annoyingly) checking in with the kiddo and he’s expressed not wanting to see dad until dads not drinking anymore.
I feel a lot more solid now. I’m sure that will change but for now I feel better.
thank you again!

ETA: I believe he will be given a psych eval but I am unsure how much impact it will have. I don’t know how much impact ANYTHING will have. He’s a pretty resistant dude. He loves his booze.

DiggingForFire

I got a custody change on less than what you have now. I get it’s hard but I am not impressed with your lawyer if they aren’t willing to at least make the filing. He walked into traffic! How is this not a risk to your kid if they we’re together?’ He’s delusional! You may need a tougher lawyer. I don’t know where you live but the core standard of best interest of the child is pretty universal in the US. I am not this kind of lawyer but as a parent this is a battle I would fight right now. And remember you can bargain for whatever you can get him to agree to and if he has any shame you might get concessions.

Thursdays

I *think* my lawyer was concerned about a change in child support regarding his financial status. She didn’t want to change custody just yet bc he may end up on disability or diminished financial capability.
however, with new evidence (bank statements showing he’d been purchasing liquor daily since July), there may be a better case.

know that I would much rather keep our custody arrangement because that means he would be demonstrating sobriety. That’s my ultimate hope.

also, he’s still (14 days later) in the ICU. Still the same mentally although he is physically healing. They put a feeding tube back in him yesterday. He’s not doing great. I’m hoping he, once he comes back to this reality, that he will be like: oh my god, I nearly died. OR anything but the guy he was before the accident. That will give me something to work with.
I will be super sad, but not totally surprised if he comes out of this thinking it was someone else’s fault and he’s fine, he’s got everything under control.

once he’s in physical rehab we will see. We are all waiting for that day.

additionally, the kid doesn’t want to see him until he’s proven his sobriety. And the kid is of the age that he can decide.

Thursdays

I *think* my lawyer was concerned about a change in child support regarding his financial status. She didn’t want to change custody just yet bc he may end up on disability or diminished financial capability.
however, with new evidence (bank statements showing he’d been purchasing liquor daily since July), there may be a better case.

know that I would much rather keep our custody arrangement because that means he would be demonstrating sobriety. That’s my ultimate hope.

also, he’s still (14 days later) in the ICU. Still the same mentally although he is physically healing. They put a feeding tube back in him yesterday. He’s not doing great. I’m hoping he, once he comes back to this reality, that he will be like: oh my god, I nearly died. OR anything but the guy he was before the accident. That will give me something to work with.
I will be super sad, but not totally surprised if he comes out of this thinking it was someone else’s fault and he’s fine, he’s got everything under control.

once he’s in physical rehab we will see. We are all waiting for that day.

additionally, the kid doesn’t want to see him until he’s proven his sobriety. And the kid is of the age that he can decide.

Free2bme888

I’d trade less child support for your child’s safety and your peace of mind in a heartbeat.

just sayin’

sage1969

In addition to being in agreement about the custody change based on the street incident, there should be a custody change based on the decreased capacity to function due to the hospitalisation. If your attorney is holding off because of a possible change of income, they shouldn't. If your ex has demonstrated earning capacity in the past, that will be expected by the judge to be continued; if the ex truly goes onto some sort of disability, child support is the first thing that is deducted from the disability and paid to you. If there are concerns that he won't follow through, child support can go through the state district attorney so that it is automated; most states are making it mandatory.

I would not sit on this. He obviously has a diminished capacity to reason and behave responsibly, and no way would I want him looking after a child, either as a custodial parent nor on unsupervised visitation.

Free2bme888

Exactly from above post,

Thursdays

Well, I got a voicemail from the ex saying he was going to be released from ICU yesterday straight into his girlfriend’s care to do outpatient physical therapy 3x per week. He said he was ordering the soberlink and really looking forward to having son spend the weekend with him soon.

child does not want to talk to him or spend this weekend with him.

I have another call in to my lawyer because I need some sort of plan before I talk to the ex. The ex will not take kindly to my no overnights idea and will want things to go back to “normal.” At least that’s what I gathered from his voicemail.

I’m pretty anxious about this. There is no direct imminent threat to kid. Only a pattern of increasingly irrational behavior. We all know what WILL happen eventually but nothing bad has happened to the kid yet. It’s frustrating there are no DUI’s, there is no physical abuse. No documented days or weeks of neglect. It drives me insane that I need to wait for this eventuality that I can’t prevent this eventuality.

trailmix

Yes, it must be horribly frustrating. So soberlink, he's agreed to or required to use it for now? At least there is that. I assume there can be no reasoning with him. Like, he really needs to focus on himself right now and recover from all this etc etc?

Thursdays

According to our parenting agreement, if he drinks with kiddo in his care he goes back to 6 months of sobriety monitoring.

well, I visited him in the hospital last night. He expressed remorse and sadness and for the first time EVER admitted he needed help and had plans to go into addiction rehab. I was floored. FLOORED. It was so wonderful to talk to sober, self aware exAH for once.

I am keeping my attorney on retainer but have halted plans to modify custody at the moment. When he is more cogent I will talk to him about getting a modified custody agreement (soberlink, documented participation in a recovery group) in writing with him.

I know recovery will be long and bumpy but I am so relieved he is willing to take the first steps. And he seemed open and humble and aware that he almost died this time.

Amaranth

That is really good news. .... But please remember
expectations lead to disappointments
The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Now more than ever it's so important for you to pay attention to his actions while you listen to his words. It would be wonderful if he is genuinely ready to seek recovery.
As he starts to feel better and the shock of his accident wears off he may slip back into his old lifestyle.
Stay strong, look after yourself and kiddo.
Trust your intuition. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated.

Thursdays

Yes, amaranth, I totally agree. This is new territory. I’m not even sure what i need to look for. What do actions of recovery actually look like? If the ex is taking f the kid for overnights i have only the soberlink to show me he’s not drinking.
should I request chat logs? What does documentation look like for lay people?

Amaranth

I don't know anything about soberlink, we don't have that where I live. Look out for him carrying through on his words. If he says he's going to do something then doesn't for one reason or another, he might just be saying what he thinks you want to hear but in reality he's not actually capable of doing those things. Look out for very basic things, like being late to pick up kiddo. Does he apologise and take responsibility for being late and show that he understands why you might have been worried or inconvenienced by the lateness? That is a sign of recovery.
Does he say it wasn´t his fault that he was late, blames someone else or has some story that makes him the victim or just says its no big deal being late, why are you making such a fuss?
Recovery is a process. He will need to approach it one day at a time and so will you. It is new territory for both of you.
I hope he´s going to walk his talk. Strong boundaries of your own will be very useful to you now.