trailmix

Yes, definitely a grain of salt here. You know how alcoholics feel awful and then stop drinking for a couple of days or a week and then they feel better! So they stop drinking (not really)! Or they start to drink again because hey! they feel better!

This could very much be the same type of thing. If you want to change the agreement, if it were me, I would ask him now, while he is, at least, sober. Just a thought.

Thursdays

Alright- so it’s now time to broach the subject of modifying the parenting agreement. What kind of proof should I ask for to determine that he is indeed engaged in some sort of sobriety program? I know the court can order it and I know I can present the argument in a way that he may agree to if it saves us both money and causes us less friction and less stress for our kid.

ETA: he will continue the soberlink (alcohol monitoring device that sends notifications to my phone). I’d like him to provide proof he’s in some sort of recovery and addiction treatment as well.

I also know it’s totally not fool proof.

what’s good though? Documentation that he went to a meeting? Receipts from a therapist appointment? What have you all done?

sage1969

Continuation of the soberlink for certain. Depending on the jurisdiction, you can request supervised visitations, restrictions on out of state / province travel during visitations, even stipulations about school and sports pick ups, drop offs, event attendance, and which parent to call for emergencies.

These are all mainly ways to minimise risks of him not being sober while transporting or supervising. I'm not aware of ways to supervise / mandate his attendance at recovery meetings / therapy, unless your attorney can recomend some sort of periodic reporting to the court. I've only seen these in cases where the parent has been charged with addiction related or other crimes, if as a result of crimes custody has been revoked or suspended, or if CPS or a social worker is involved. If he hasn't been charged with anything, reporting might not be available.

Thursdays

Yep. He did all his drinking at home and he has never been charged with a crime nor has CPS been involved.

trailmix

I'm not sure where ordering him to treatment comes in to a parenting agreement? I'm not sure what bearing that would have, since is he proving sobriety when visiting.

Not much help I know and, this is just my opinion, perhaps a fruitless endeavor?

sage1969

So, again this is something to discuss with your attorney, depending on what you feel is necessary, what is in place now, and what your attorney recommends.

I say this with some hesitation because although many government agencies mean well, my personal experience as a person of ethnic background being that there are discrepancies in how people are treated; it *might* be of some benefit to get a social worker involved *if* you are unable to place meaningful boundaries in place and are concerned about your child while on visitation. Again, really discuss with your attorney on this one because involving this level of involvement though it might be necessary also becomes fairly invasive in the custodial parent's privacy, parenting decisions, etc.

Thursdays

I’m really trying to avoid my kid experiencing the trauma of having an alcoholic father.

or at least minimize the time that he spends with him as ex navigates his recovery or relapse.
Is that unrealistic?

sage1969

Absolutely not! As an ACOA, having been exposed to addiction and codependency in my FOO, I think it's best for your child to grow up away from alcoholism and addiction.

trailmix

Not at all, my Father was an alcoholic as well.

Your ex doesn't even know it but you are doing him a HUGE favour. Your child need never be around him when he's drunk, because of your insistence on soberlink. Although being around an alcoholic that is hung over or in withdrawal isn't much fun either.

Being forced in to recovery probably won't help anyone as he will do what he wants to (as I'm sure you know). You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (not even for your Daughter).

Thursdays

I know!!!! I know it won’t help if it’s a requirement. I know the ex has to do it himself. I know he has the best intentions right now because he feels like **** and he almost died. And all the steps or the self examination he’s going to have to do- which he’s never done before in his life is going to be HARD. And he desperately wants everything to “go back to normal” ad quickly as possible.

ugh. I know only he can participate in his recovery no one can make him do it. I just don’t want my son jerked around- like I was when I was a kid.

maybe I should just stipulate that he pays for my kid’s therapy. Half a joke.

ive thought about getting cps involved. I really have no desire to do that. I’d like to work it out without them.

trailmix

As much as you will be concerned there isn't much more you can do. The only way to protect your Son really is with soberlink and accepting no excuses - ever, not even once (can't blow, machine isn't working, etc etc). If he doesn't blow soberlink negative, no visitation that day.

Your Son can always call you, that's another good protection, if he is uncomfortable for any reason, he should call right away.

Alateen may also be good, if he will agree to go to meetings. I'm assuming he is a teen or close too it, the other good thing is the ex doesn't get visitation forever!