The girl I longed to be ..my story
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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The girl I longed to be ..my story
I am not sure when it started... this longing and hunger for love and acceptance. I believe it was when I was 8 or 9. Though I can't remember details it was around the time my parents got divorced. My mom left my dad when he was on a business trip and before I knew it I was living with a new man and my mom. Sure my dad had partial custody ( which later in life I would come to find out he fought tooth and nail for and paid a lot of money for and jumped through hoops for... as an adult looking back I an in admiration of the amount he sacrificed to not just be a weekend dad )... at the time though my life was changing and it was changing fast and I didn't have control over it... 1 year later, again due to my mothers selfishness, she moved 29 miles away... as if the divorce didn't bring enough change now my sister and I were having to switch schools... my sister ran away at this point (only for the day) I remember asking my mom if she was just going to search for her because she was responsible for her or if it was because she really loved her? I was 10 years old. In addition to switching schools, this made it so I my father had to now drive an additional hour to see us 30 minutes there and 30 minutes back.. He already was driving an hour to work (The opposite direction!!!) .... once again everything changed and I felt I needed to adjust. I remember when I graduated 8th grade feeling as though I didn't want another change...after all I had finally fell into an amazing friend group and we were all going to going to different high schools...8th grade graduation is the first time I can remember noticing that pain... the pain I probably had in me when my parents divorced and the same pain I has in me when I was forced to switch school districts after 5th grade... but this was the first time I noticed it. It is like a moment in time that sticks in my head. Feeling like my voice didn't matter... and the louder I shouted the more "annoying" I was to my mom and step dad... I think my dad just felt overwhelmed and out of control at the time. I longed for my parents to give me guidance, tell me what to do... tell me everything was going to be ok...
Throughout Junior High and High school I tested the limits with my parents...wondering if they would notice. They didn't. We would be at parties and I would be the only sober one and my pager ( yes back in pager days ) wouldn't go off. No one cared that it was 3 am and that I was out still. Watching my friends parents frantically try to get a hold of them was something I was envious of. I longed to be the girl whos parents noticed her
In high school I decided to go live with my dad. I had a best friend who was almost emancipated from her family and asked my dad if she could live with us... I think out of divorce guilt my dad said yes. Looking back now I was 14... and didn't know the wrath of bringing this person into my life. Over the course of the next 5 years she reigned terror on our home. After 1 year I had asked my dad to please have her move back with her parents. She was doing drugs and binge drinking everyday. He didn't...instead he got her into a treatment program... this is when I think I checked out... I had longed so much for my parents to notice me... and now she was getting family therapy with my dad... Around the same time I developed an eating disorder and got down to 92 lbs. I was also raped within this time frame and when I told my mom she said " I should have told her sooner"... I was on the surf team in college and surfed everyday from the time I was 12-25ish... and my parents never saw me surf.. not once
The message was loud and clear... I was on my own... my needs didn't matter ... many failed relationships and 2 miscarraiges later and I think the unworthiness I felt was palpable... It seemed every time I adjusted to my new world so other unpredictable hurricane would come and ruin any happiness I was just getting used to. My marriage and the behavior of an alcoholic spouse reminded me of this rug being pulled out from me just when I was starting to adjust. It was like "Stay down Kaya, don't be happy, don't lean into love, don't get comfortable .......because it is just going to go away anyway"
I am writing this because I am trying to get to understand why I put up with my exAH behavior and how I can get to a place where I feel whole again.... This time period is essentially my unbecoming .... I thought I could mask all of those insecurities with the perfect career, perfect body and if I could only just do what seemed so easy for others which, was get married and have a family I would belong to some club....
I did fall in love with my exAH ... That is for sure... but I think I stayed through such unhealthy behavior because I always longed to be the girl who was part of a family... Who came home to people that were her tribe... I longed to cook dinner and sit around a dinner table... I longed for it so much that I was unwilling to let go of the marriage when my exAH refused to stop drinking. I longed for it so much that the men I dated before him treated me like a doormat and I allowed it... I longed for it so much that I created a "perfect" version of me... I longed for it so much that I exaggerated to people how close I felt to my family. I mean I think I even went as far as trying to believe it myself... The truth is my dad was checked out ( he is better now ) and my mom was selfish as ****... and my step dad could care less as long as he could be addicted to my mom and she could be addicted to him... my step mom... well shes an angel...
Anyway thank you for hearing my story ...trying to get to the root of all this so I can dig my way out to an authentic version of me...one who doesn't have to show up perfect to feel worthy.
Throughout Junior High and High school I tested the limits with my parents...wondering if they would notice. They didn't. We would be at parties and I would be the only sober one and my pager ( yes back in pager days ) wouldn't go off. No one cared that it was 3 am and that I was out still. Watching my friends parents frantically try to get a hold of them was something I was envious of. I longed to be the girl whos parents noticed her
In high school I decided to go live with my dad. I had a best friend who was almost emancipated from her family and asked my dad if she could live with us... I think out of divorce guilt my dad said yes. Looking back now I was 14... and didn't know the wrath of bringing this person into my life. Over the course of the next 5 years she reigned terror on our home. After 1 year I had asked my dad to please have her move back with her parents. She was doing drugs and binge drinking everyday. He didn't...instead he got her into a treatment program... this is when I think I checked out... I had longed so much for my parents to notice me... and now she was getting family therapy with my dad... Around the same time I developed an eating disorder and got down to 92 lbs. I was also raped within this time frame and when I told my mom she said " I should have told her sooner"... I was on the surf team in college and surfed everyday from the time I was 12-25ish... and my parents never saw me surf.. not once
The message was loud and clear... I was on my own... my needs didn't matter ... many failed relationships and 2 miscarraiges later and I think the unworthiness I felt was palpable... It seemed every time I adjusted to my new world so other unpredictable hurricane would come and ruin any happiness I was just getting used to. My marriage and the behavior of an alcoholic spouse reminded me of this rug being pulled out from me just when I was starting to adjust. It was like "Stay down Kaya, don't be happy, don't lean into love, don't get comfortable .......because it is just going to go away anyway"
I am writing this because I am trying to get to understand why I put up with my exAH behavior and how I can get to a place where I feel whole again.... This time period is essentially my unbecoming .... I thought I could mask all of those insecurities with the perfect career, perfect body and if I could only just do what seemed so easy for others which, was get married and have a family I would belong to some club....
I did fall in love with my exAH ... That is for sure... but I think I stayed through such unhealthy behavior because I always longed to be the girl who was part of a family... Who came home to people that were her tribe... I longed to cook dinner and sit around a dinner table... I longed for it so much that I was unwilling to let go of the marriage when my exAH refused to stop drinking. I longed for it so much that the men I dated before him treated me like a doormat and I allowed it... I longed for it so much that I created a "perfect" version of me... I longed for it so much that I exaggerated to people how close I felt to my family. I mean I think I even went as far as trying to believe it myself... The truth is my dad was checked out ( he is better now ) and my mom was selfish as ****... and my step dad could care less as long as he could be addicted to my mom and she could be addicted to him... my step mom... well shes an angel...
Anyway thank you for hearing my story ...trying to get to the root of all this so I can dig my way out to an authentic version of me...one who doesn't have to show up perfect to feel worthy.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Maybe it's time to start digging your way out?
I like this: (on self-worth) https://positivepsychology.com/self-worth/
.
"work on identifying, challenging, and externalizing your critical inner voice. We all have an inner critic that loves to nitpick and point out our flaws (Firestone, 2014). It’s natural to let this inner critic get the best of us sometimes, but if we let her win too often she starts to think that she’s right!
Whenever you notice your inner critic start to fire up with the criticisms, make her pause for a moment. Ask yourself whether she has any basis in fact, whether she’s being kind or not, and whether what she’s telling you is something you need to know. If none of those things are true, feel free to tell her to see herself out"!
Take all that energy that you used to walk on eggshells around your ex, that you used to try to please your Mother, get through to your Father and stay close to friends that were perhaps not all that friendly and focus that back on yourself.
People say you are worthy, just because you are here and you are human. I think that sounds great in theory, but when you aren't feeling self worth it can also seem meaningless? Ok so I'm sitting here and that makes me worthy. Well yes it does - not because you are taking up space in a room but because you have things to offer the world and yourself.
If that inner voice worked half as hard (yes, just half) at showing you the good and great in yourself as it does making you frustrated with yourself, you would be well on the road to feeling those good feelings.
I really think that the beginning of that is questioning yourself. Now, it's kind of hard to argue with yourself if say, you look in the mirror and go - maybe if you got your hair cut more often you wouldn't look like such a mess today and everyone will probably think I'm a mess. Then - you give yourself a positive thought - you know, you don't actually look bad at all, you are ok. Who are you going to believe?
Well if you have low self worth - I'm guessing it's really hard to talk yourself out of what you have come to know as "fact" and that is if your hair isn't just right you look a mess (or your attitude or your feelings or your knowledge or what you like to do etc etc).
It's trying to heal yourself with the same mind (experiences) that got you here in the first place. That is why your therapist is so important, why getting perspectives is so important, so good for you for reaching out.
But I believe you can take giant steps forward in really, critically thinking about what you are saying to yourself. Is that kind? Is it the actual truth? Call yourself on those thoughts. The above example is unkind, it's really kind of mean, you would never say that to someone else, why is it ok to say it to yourself? Sometimes you may think, well if I don't call this spade a spade I'm just fooling myself! But you know, that's not true. You know for a fact that your history has brought you to this place. You are still valuable and thoughtful and kind and intelligent, even if your hair is a mess (or you said something that wasn't thoughtful or tripped up at work or etc etc).
Maybe your therapist will have some tools as well. As hopeless as it may seem sometimes, it takes practice to unlearn these things which you have been doing for years. Like anything it gets better in increments and once you start to build your self worth it will get easier.
I like this: (on self-worth) https://positivepsychology.com/self-worth/
.
"work on identifying, challenging, and externalizing your critical inner voice. We all have an inner critic that loves to nitpick and point out our flaws (Firestone, 2014). It’s natural to let this inner critic get the best of us sometimes, but if we let her win too often she starts to think that she’s right!
Whenever you notice your inner critic start to fire up with the criticisms, make her pause for a moment. Ask yourself whether she has any basis in fact, whether she’s being kind or not, and whether what she’s telling you is something you need to know. If none of those things are true, feel free to tell her to see herself out"!
Take all that energy that you used to walk on eggshells around your ex, that you used to try to please your Mother, get through to your Father and stay close to friends that were perhaps not all that friendly and focus that back on yourself.
People say you are worthy, just because you are here and you are human. I think that sounds great in theory, but when you aren't feeling self worth it can also seem meaningless? Ok so I'm sitting here and that makes me worthy. Well yes it does - not because you are taking up space in a room but because you have things to offer the world and yourself.
If that inner voice worked half as hard (yes, just half) at showing you the good and great in yourself as it does making you frustrated with yourself, you would be well on the road to feeling those good feelings.
I really think that the beginning of that is questioning yourself. Now, it's kind of hard to argue with yourself if say, you look in the mirror and go - maybe if you got your hair cut more often you wouldn't look like such a mess today and everyone will probably think I'm a mess. Then - you give yourself a positive thought - you know, you don't actually look bad at all, you are ok. Who are you going to believe?
Well if you have low self worth - I'm guessing it's really hard to talk yourself out of what you have come to know as "fact" and that is if your hair isn't just right you look a mess (or your attitude or your feelings or your knowledge or what you like to do etc etc).
It's trying to heal yourself with the same mind (experiences) that got you here in the first place. That is why your therapist is so important, why getting perspectives is so important, so good for you for reaching out.
But I believe you can take giant steps forward in really, critically thinking about what you are saying to yourself. Is that kind? Is it the actual truth? Call yourself on those thoughts. The above example is unkind, it's really kind of mean, you would never say that to someone else, why is it ok to say it to yourself? Sometimes you may think, well if I don't call this spade a spade I'm just fooling myself! But you know, that's not true. You know for a fact that your history has brought you to this place. You are still valuable and thoughtful and kind and intelligent, even if your hair is a mess (or you said something that wasn't thoughtful or tripped up at work or etc etc).
Maybe your therapist will have some tools as well. As hopeless as it may seem sometimes, it takes practice to unlearn these things which you have been doing for years. Like anything it gets better in increments and once you start to build your self worth it will get easier.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Trailmix... Thank you so much for this... Yes this is the work I have been doing but it is time to go deeper... I can feel it is time to go deeper... Until these past few months I wasn't even aknowledging the above stuff I wrote. I was still trying to hold it all together when inside I was drowning... I just bought a new journal online and I am going to promise myself to use it to write in... and to only write my thoughts and feelings. Most of my journals have ended up turning into work note journals or to do lists. Not this one. This one is just for me ... Thank you for always being so thoughtful and kind with your feedback....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Hello Kaya
Thanks for sharing.
You have already overcome amazing obstacles. You could have ended up drunk under a bridge after all that has happened to you. Instead, you have made some positive choices. One of these is recovery.
We are all works in progress. Keep working your program and looking to your higher power.
You already help so many of us here at this site.
Thanks for sharing.
You have already overcome amazing obstacles. You could have ended up drunk under a bridge after all that has happened to you. Instead, you have made some positive choices. One of these is recovery.
We are all works in progress. Keep working your program and looking to your higher power.
You already help so many of us here at this site.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
Kaya,
I think you are doing amazingly well. Your posts are from your heart, and I have no doubt, inspirational to others.
You can be a new, and better YOU - and EVERYONE, will see you!
Big hugs all the way from Scotland.
Much Love
Bute x
I think you are doing amazingly well. Your posts are from your heart, and I have no doubt, inspirational to others.
You can be a new, and better YOU - and EVERYONE, will see you!
Big hugs all the way from Scotland.
Much Love
Bute x
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
I've thought about your OP for a few days. So many similarities to mine and others' stories I've heard here and elsewhere . . . it really does all start from earliest memories of childhood.
I too have had a hard time consistently journaling, even down to none at all after my deceased AH got ahold of my journals and photos from my teen years. After that for years I couldn't risk exposing my thoughts in such a vulnerable way. I've recently started journaling again, and it's been difficult for me to be honest and truthful, so looking at trusting myself is a big part of this journey.
Kaya, how has this been for you, journaling instead of deflecting into to do lists? I do want to say that you've made so much of a journey already, what you journal here has been a learning experience for me as well.
I too have had a hard time consistently journaling, even down to none at all after my deceased AH got ahold of my journals and photos from my teen years. After that for years I couldn't risk exposing my thoughts in such a vulnerable way. I've recently started journaling again, and it's been difficult for me to be honest and truthful, so looking at trusting myself is a big part of this journey.
Kaya, how has this been for you, journaling instead of deflecting into to do lists? I do want to say that you've made so much of a journey already, what you journal here has been a learning experience for me as well.
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