GoldenDog

Brief history since I don't post often, We separated in August after years of me tolerating heavy drinking. AH promised he would quit, get his version of help, admitted he had an "alcohol use disorder" which changed to he had a problem with drinking then became he got out of control a few times. I found out he started back drinking last week, I had suspected but he said he was drinking and even asked why I left, and my daughter confirmed that he is drinking. Which leads me to this past weekend, I was at our house (I had moved out) to clean and get it ready for pictures so we can list it, he returned after a weekend of football with his brother. I immediately sensed he was in a mood, our daughter did too. I went immediately back into that place, I don't have a word for it. The walking on egg shells, trying not to upset the on-edge irritable sour smelling person that you can't escape from. I had to get the house finished, I was stuck and my internal response to smooth over the situation kicked in and I swallowed my pride and bit my tongue while he "helped" from the recliner. I made it through, right? Kind of. The emotions stayed with me for another day, I was so surprised by the tears on the way back to the cabin, the emotional toll it took on me, the ability for him to put me back in that place immediately after being away from it for months, that I still can feel it days later. It's ridiculous how much damage happens and they are so unaware.
I had been doing so well, I am moving into a new place in Dec, starting a new job with amazing opportunities and in a matter of minutes it feels like I am back to the person that spends all her time trying to keep the peace and ignore what she needs for her own health. I will get my groove back I know but I just wasn't ready for this. I thought I was out and immune I guess. It's time for boundaries, I won't be taking his calls everyday, i'll let him go to voice mail and return his calls later on, if it's even necessary. I will start packing my stuff and time it for when he is gone. I have a plan to get back to where I need to be, I need to be patient and let myself heal again but I just want to be free from this ball and chain. I'm so tired of the ups and downs and the unpredictability of his behavior, oh to have people in my life that are consistent. What a blessing that will be.

Triggered

Sounds like someone is full of denial and unaware of the level of commitment you need to tackle an addiction.... and it isnt you.
It also sounds like someone is fully aware of the steps they need to take to focus on a healthy and happy lifestyle...and it isnt him.
Of course the emotional attachment makes a mockery of how simplistic that seems but I'm sure youre already aware that an honest and mutually beneficial relationship just isnt possible when an addict is using you as an emotional (and perhaps practical) crutch.
It seems like you have already decided the steps you need to take. Emotional ties or not, you need to follow through or neither of you have a chance of healing. Just my opinion of course.

Eauchiche

Dear GoldenDog
I am so sorry for this situation, but believe you handled it just fine.
As has been pointed out on these pages, "sobriety" can mean different things to different people. Some people who claim to be "sober" quit drinking whiskey years ago, but they still drink something else.

I am so happy for you for all these new chapters opening in your life.

trailmix

Yes, consistency, dependability and predictability are underrated attributes!!

I know what you mean about being back at "that place" - the eggshell place. I go there sometimes myself in different situations.

One thing that I have noticed is that I am still very sensitive when anyone raises their voice or says something in an unkind tone to me. I've been told a couple of times (in these situations) that they didn't mean anything by it and I'm "too sensitive". My reply now is - I am perfectly sensitive, for me. I also find it atrocious when people expect you to be sensitive to them (because you are) but don't like you being sensitive in general. So I'll bring that up too. You can't have it both ways!

Anyway, it happens less and less and I accept it has nothing to do with me.

I mention this because I hope you will take all the time you need to heal and set those boundaries. People can accept you as you are, or not, that's out of your control.

I really hope this will be your first boundary. Why is he calling you all the time anyway? I guarantee it's not doing you any good but obviously does something for him. This boundary would be a great step.

dandylion

GoldenDog........i Iagree that these would be excellent boundaries to initiate. I think they would go a long way in enabling you to detach from your relatioship with him.
Really, talking to him every day and planning chores with him is a constant reinforcement for your still connection to him. I believe that it will take a long time of basic |no cntact with him in any way, for you to become more immune to being triggered by him. As much as possible, that is. I realize that having a child and selling a house, etc., makes total no contact practically impossible, right now.
After all, after many years of reacting to hjim, it is too much to expect it to be changed after just 3 months of being out of the house.
Give your self enough time to establish yourself in a new life----one that is totally not connected to him----and you will not feel like you are under his control of your reactions.

I do think that yiu handled the situation well. Congratulate yourself for that.

By the way---I hope that you will return to posting, because there are many who come to this firum for help and support and would benefit sooo much from your sharing your story and journey with them.
We all learn so much from each other--from ur positives and negatives, as well

Keep up the good work. Keep the faith in yourself!

nikegoddess112

Congrats on being out and doing kind self-care!!

One day at a time.

GoldenDog

The healing process is a marathon and the seemingly simple things can be so complex when we look back. I hadn't realized how free I had become until one afternoon of being back in the alcoholics environment let me see how easily it is too adopt the old behavior patterns without conscious thought. He and my daughter had been pressuring me to spend this coming weekend with them at the last home football game, it would involve 2 hours alone in the car with AH, I had reservations before but now it is a hard no. I can't and won't. I will use that time to pack things I will need in my new home. I won't be able to go full no contact but I can definitely limit contact and make it more on my terms. Thanks for the support. I have a group of ladies now that are supportive, they don't know all the details but are new friends that I am able to do things with. It is nice to be able to go do things with people and everyone is adult and responsible. I even have a Christmas party this year. Holidays will be hard and I will need to stand firm on boundaries there as well, as he continues to drink and his judgement is clouded I believe he will try harder to push the boundaries. Up until lately he has been reasonable but with the holidays and his increase in drinking I see a potential conflict brewing. He keeps reminding me that I never went out the last few years we were together and now he hears through our daughter that I have been going out and doing things, he fails to make the connection that I didn't want to do things with him because all he cared about was getting drunk. But it isn't worth explaining to him now, I tried months ago and he didn't get it then. But I digress and you all know the pattern. Today is better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today. I will be at peace again. The weather is supposed to be nice today before turning colder- probably a good day to take the dog for a good walk. Have a wonderful day everyone!