Leftinthedust

It appears I’ll be the one serving the divorce papers while AW is in rehab. Seems like it is taking forever for my legal reps to get it all together to review with me prior to serving her. Seems like I’m mired in quicksand and slog heavily through each day, mind consumed with thoughts of “am I providing the right info to bolster my case for custody and present correctly the splitting of assets and alimony to a woman who’s done nothing but stress my financial resources to the limit for almost 2 decades…” I’m so looking forward to getting those papers served. I think she’s wanting them also, not sure how much of a fight I’ll get, but can’t control that. In the last few days I’ve realized the peace I have from her not being here drunk is well… peaceful. But it’s an odd, odd loneliness. Age 55, 12-YO daughter, not interested in the prospect or putting out the mental effort of finding that “next someone”, seems like a long, dark, lonely path ahead. Concentrate on keeping my daughter moving forward, doing the small chores that keep the day going, and yeah… there’s that make a living thing. Better sell some houses this coming year. Kinda came to a halt with the rehab turned divorce now.

Anyhow, I’m foreseeing having to buckle up the chinstrap for what lies ahead. Just seems like getting the inertia cranked up on this is terribly slow. At first I thought it would give us time to possibly work things out some, but that’s gone the opposite way. Any words of wisdom… besides just keep my tap closed and not let emotions control this?

Bute

I've never been through a divorce, however, I had a joint mortgage with my ex partner - who was a complete and utter sh*t!
I found that when I was mad, I wasn't sad. I don't mean reacting crazily, but not feeling hurt, more of a "how dare you!" kind of way. I really kept control of my emotions, and became cold and calculating towards him. He didn't expect that at all, as I'd previously been the weeping angel! Keep control of your head, think it through, then execute! (Not her, literally, although the thought did cross my mind from time to time with my ex &#128521.
You and your little girl, will do just fine. It's just hard going through this lot. There is a saying that I camd across, and it struck a chord with me. " React with your emotions, and you will lose, everytime". True that.
Much Love
Bute x

Bute

PS; we so shared a child. Forgive those numbers, I have no idea why they are there.

Leftinthedust

I agree wholeheartedly regarding keeping emotions in check. There’s a few steps that are going to possibly come back to bite me… letters and harsh words, not crafted, but blurted out of frustration and fear. All came put after finding out her plans while I blindly was hoping for reconciliation at some time during the process. The ongoing process…

Spiderweb

My divorce has been dragging as well. My lawyer was recommended as a bull dog, and while she is fighting for me, she takes so long to respond to my texts ( cheaper than phone calls!). I think the initial phase was the most exhausting- having to gather all my paperwork, figure out child support amounts, custody agreement. We are not finalized but the temporary order is in place and we have adjusted to our new normal. So, yes, you need to gather your energy for this part but it is worth it and won’t last too long. As far as proving your case- I had videos of my ex intoxicated as a back up if we needed to go to court. The day I walked out I only texted and simply told him that bc of his alcoholism he cannot see our daughter overnight until he gets help. I was told to be very clear in texts bc they can be proven, phone calls can’t. Texts also kept the emotions out of it. After a month, he signed up for an outpatient program and started AA. It is now in our paperwork that he must complete the program for our custody agreement. We were finally able to have a few civilized talks which helped us work through some logistics and is much cheaper than paying a lawyer to do so. It is all overwhelming. Take care of yourself, rest, eat well and know that it is extremely difficult but won’t last forever. You will soon be free. All the best to you and your daughter.

sage1969

There is a lot of waiting involved, it can be anticlimactic to actually receive the paperwork, and you may not be able to negotiate everything that you want. In the end, it is paperwork and symbolic for what you decide is important to you.

We all have the blessing of each and every moment being a new moment in which to create ourselves and our lives as we want to be. The added symbolism of a divorce gives you time to decide who you want to be and how you want to live. There are added dimensions as you decide what you'd like for your daughter, perhaps what you'd like for your career.

It sounds cliche to suggest on waiting to add another prospective partner to the mix, but it is helpful to give yourself the space to grieve and become healthy again. I can say that after a divorce and after the death of a spouse, both experiences left me needing a lot of time to move through emotions and become centered in myself again. "They" do recommend not making any major decisions for a full year after an life event like this, and I agree with good reason.

When your attorney drafts your paperwork, put in everything you feel you need. If it's supervised visitations, limits on staying in - state on visitation, tax issues, expected ways to contact (there are some good apps now that manage all contact and create a paper trail); whatever you feel going forward will help you create stability, ask for it now.

Leftinthedust

Sage and Spider- both of you bring great and valid points to the conversation, so thank you!

I hope I didn’t come off as I was thinking ahead to looking for anyone in my future. At my age, and with a child to rear, I meant to just state that seems like a monumental task to add to the already tall heap of stuff in front of me. Besides, I’d be so protective of my daughter it would be years before I’d let anyone have the opportunity for attachment there. I’ll take the personal loneliness and try to turn it into something positive instead by participating in joint activities with my daughter… yes, the new normal.

AlwaysGrowing

LITD
I had two kids as a single dad and it's a new normal BUT in some ways, I was already covering those bases full time and then some. After the storm, I found it easier, and routine set in.

Leftinthedust

Agreed. Getting calls in the middle of a work meeting from your kid saying “Moms here to pick me up from school but she’s acting weird” were the worst. At least that source of anxiety is at rest now.

LovelyKaya33333

I can relate to you so much. I am also in the process of a divorce to my exAH ... There was a lot in me that wanted to call him out via paperwork..I wanted to ask him for alimony ... I wanted to have him pay me back the money I and my parents lent to him... at the end of the the day I decided that I would rather live in a studio apartment then argue with him one more minute. I get it isn't that simple .... I just put that I didn't want anything from him ... Yes the paperwork still took an insane amount of time. We physically separated 5 months ago. I started the process 4 months ago and it still won't be final for 4 more months... So 8 months and we didn't have kids...I said I wanted no money and no assets... I am sending my hugs to you. I can only tell you once the paperwork is filed and you have a filing date and it is just the waiting period it does get easier... so you are 1/2 way there ...hang in there... this is so hard

Leftinthedust

Thank you so much Kayla.

dbyrer

Maybe remembering this will bring you the comfort it has brought to me. It is better to be alone than to wish you were.

Leftinthedust

That does bring me back to many, many times walking into the recurrent buzzsaw thinking “what is the point?”. Thanks for that reminder.