Girlfriend's alcohol abuse counseler fired her, and she couldn't go a week without drinking....
 

And yet she still talks about moving in together?!

2 weeks ago her alcohol abuse counselor fired her. The counselor said that she can tell that my GF is pressured by me to attend and that she doesn't really want to stop, all she wants to do is cut back, and she can't help her.

My gf said that she would not drink at all last week to prove that she can do it. She made it until Thursday when I showed up at her place and I could tell she had a couple drinks because of the way she looked and was acting. When I confronted her about it she couldn't answer me and kept quiet.

Not to mention all the crazy mood swings. Last Wednesday she calls me at around 9pm. I hear some papers rustling so I keep saying hello and then she responds "I TOLD YOU I'M PUTTING ON MY HEADPHONES 5 F****** TIMES!!!!" Then says sorry she's angry and hangs up on me. Then an hour later texts me that she can't believe I didn't text her to see if she was ok.

I'm just tired of all of this.

I'm not comfortable at all with moving in, and I feel I am mentally and physically checking out of the relationship.

Then don't. As bad as things are now, imaging adding the proximity of living together to the chaos.

I can occasionally drive through a red light by not paying close enough attention and get lucky that nothing bad happens; but I generally don't recommend it.

Then tell her that and be done with it.

Is this how you want to spend your one precious life?

Can you accept that this is who she is and let go of any expectations that she will change?

So this is what a week is like when she has something to prove to you . . . what will it look like when she no longer attempts to maintain pretenses? Is this really how you want to live?

I think you're answering your own questions here, you already know what will and won't work for you.

It is ok to love someone but also recognise they aren't meant to be part of your story. It is ok to move on.

^^^^ Sounds like you already know what you need to do.

You know, if you stay in a bad relationship long enough, you will eventually start to detach (well the majority of people will). Pretty much everyone has some personal/mental defenses that will kick in.

I'm sure you've read around here about purposefully detaching, when you are still in the relationship. That's really just a coping mechanism to get through until you can make a plan to get out. It speeds things up - but again, it will happen for most eventually - just lots more time hurting.

Just one other observation (from the take what you like and leave the rest - kind).

When we look at relationships with alcoholics, generally, they are always on the back-foot because they are in "the wrong". In a situation such as yours, where you gf does not want to quit drinking and so basically she is just jumping through some temporary hoops to try to please, I think it's maybe wise to look at how she is doing.

For you, this is all madness and no doubt very annoying. It's also very annoying for her.

Maybe someone would judge that her drinking behaviour is "wrong", doesn't mean she does as such. You can walk away from this, instead of her trying to mould herself in to what she thinks she must be in this relationship. That's a hard way to live, for both of you.

Disclaimer: In no way am I blaming you for anything, or saying it's your fault, just sometimes both parties would be better off away from each other. She's not happy either.

Welp, she hid her drinking from me again tonight. She normally doesn't drink on Tuesday nights but had a drink hidden in the kitchen that she would periodically go a sip. Kitchen is right behind where I normally sit in the living room when watching tv. I rarely go in the kitchen in her house but today I did to wash my hands and noticed the drink. At first I thought it was just a sparkling ice since the bottle was right there. When she had her back turned, I took a sip and sure enough, mixed with vodka.

She's literally trying to play me as a fool.

I doubt very seriously she is thinking about you at all, except - how can I get a drink without him knowing. ie: not trying to get one over on you. It's about the drink, not you.

Why is she hiding it anyway? She's a grown up person, she cab have a drink whenever she likes?

She actually isn’t drinking AT you. Her drinking and lying has nothing to do with you.

She’s an addict, and this is what addicts do.

You have choices here that don’t involve her magically recovering because you want her to.

Cause she knows I'll get mad and give her crap over it. She keeps promising to do better and then continuously breaks it. I knew something was up when she had those droopy eyes.

Seems you have convinced all of us that you should walk away. Have you convinced yourself yet? I wish you well.

Again, rmusic88, this is so far beyond her promise to you. She means it when she says it. She has no tools to fight the addiction when cravings come up. It has been her friend and coping mechanism for too long.

Giving her crap over it might make you feel better in the moment, but it's not doing anything to actually curb her addiction. If you don't want to be with a drinker, move on. But sticking around and punishing her is only prolonging the cycle of unhappiness you are both in.

Ok well I'm not sure why you would (as it seems to be affecting you very negatively)? She is an addict and it doesn't look like she is ready to change right now. Even her abuse counselor confirmed this. If your boundary is you won't live with an addict, are you considering leaving?

Yes I am actually seriously thinking about having a discussion in the upcoming weeks. I just don't know when. I need to tell her that this isn't the type of future I want, and that I do not feel comfortable moving in with her, and probably don't feel comfortable with marriage after that either.

I am suspecting this will be the end of the relationship as there would be no reason to be together at that point. There are some other reasons besides the alcohol. The mood swings, her having two huge dogs that I don't want to deal with, etc. I just ultimately feel we aren't compatible.

She lives with her mother who is also an alcoholic because she can't afford to live on her own. I feel she views me as her safety net.

Why wouldn't it be? Dating because you've got nothing else to do is fine, I guess. For many, the whole point is to find a compatible life partner. I guess I'm confused as to what the 'upcoming weeks' would change.

Why would I continue to be with someone where it is clear that the relationship is going nowhere? When I can use that time to find someone I'm more compatible with? I don't date "for fun", I am looking for a long term partner.

I'm already mentally checked out. It's just hard to throw the memories away.

It is, it hurts! But neither of you are happy. She doesn't have a problem with her drinking, you do. She doesn't want to quit, you want her to quit, true? However, just because you want someone to be a particular way, doesn't mean they are going to get on board, you know? And that should be ok, we need to respect other people's choices.

I don't know what you like to do, but I'm going to guess you like music. What if she didn't, what if she said your music drives her batty, she doesn't like it in the house, can you just stop, do it elsewhere. So she comes home one day and you have music on but quickly turn it off when you hear her car door. A few minutes later you notice she glances at your phone to see what you were playing, then just looks at you.

Now, were you trying to "get one over" on her, do you think she's a fool? Or were you just being yourself - even if she doesn't like it. How would it feel if she tried to control you like that?

That's a simplified analogy of course, addiction is much more complex than liking music.

It will hurt and that can be scary, but both of you living unhappily, even though you are probably kind of used to it now, is not your best choice is it?

I don't know your story. But I was taken aback by your comment about possibly moving in with her. Do you reslly want to move in with someone who (supposedly) 'doesn't drink on Tuesday nights'?

I say this as someone eho had also been in situations where we quite rapidly come to normalise things that sre very harmful.