Red flag?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 55
Red flag?
I had 22 year marriage to alcoholic and 8 months ago ended a close friendship/situationship with another emotionally unavailable man whose coping mechanism was drinking. So I’m now trying to navigate potentially dating. I am trying to not repeat my old patterns of saying “he’s such a good guy” but overlooking the red flags.
So, at a friends yesterday and a mutual single friend is there. Everyone knows he’s a “good guy”. Most are drinking, though I’m not (I rarely drink now after these relationships as I realized for the most part I was only drinking cuz everyone else was. I prefer not to cuz I don’t really like the feeling of drinking anymore much). This single guy is having a few beers and a cigar. Nothing major it seemed.
We were taking about popcorn and he said homemade popcorn and a nice glass of whiskey is always nice. Is this a red flag? My thought goes to…he drinks alone. But maybe people have a whiskey or a glass of wine alone? I have no idea what is normal anymore.
So, at a friends yesterday and a mutual single friend is there. Everyone knows he’s a “good guy”. Most are drinking, though I’m not (I rarely drink now after these relationships as I realized for the most part I was only drinking cuz everyone else was. I prefer not to cuz I don’t really like the feeling of drinking anymore much). This single guy is having a few beers and a cigar. Nothing major it seemed.
We were taking about popcorn and he said homemade popcorn and a nice glass of whiskey is always nice. Is this a red flag? My thought goes to…he drinks alone. But maybe people have a whiskey or a glass of wine alone? I have no idea what is normal anymore.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Some people do drink without problems. None of us knows enough about this person to know whether it's a red flag or not. Personally, it's the kind of comment that would turn me off.
But the question whether or not this person might drink alcoholically, it's what are you looking for in a partner?
It would be perfectly reasonable for you to only want to date people who don't drink at all. They are out there (and worth the wait, if that's important to you). If you find yourself compromising what you want for the sake of being in a relationship, then I might suggest you're not quite in a place to be ready for healthy dating at the moment. For me, it was only when I was comfortable being alone that I was really ready to date again.
But the question whether or not this person might drink alcoholically, it's what are you looking for in a partner?
It would be perfectly reasonable for you to only want to date people who don't drink at all. They are out there (and worth the wait, if that's important to you). If you find yourself compromising what you want for the sake of being in a relationship, then I might suggest you're not quite in a place to be ready for healthy dating at the moment. For me, it was only when I was comfortable being alone that I was really ready to date again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 55
Thank you SK. I agree on the being comfortable being alone. I am finally feeling ok being alone. His few beers and cigar and comment did make me think “yeah I don’t think so”. But I just second guess that I’m overreacting to any alcohol these days. I’m still figuring out whether I need someone to be completely sober. I don’t think I do. I want someone like me. Who enjoys a drink periodically but can take it or leave it. My social circle has been around drinkers. So I’m finding my way away from them and will hopefully meet more people like me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 275
I have horrible instincts when it comes to men. After my 2nd divorce, I dated a bit but didn't choose wisely. It wasn't until I started seeing a therapist that I understood what I was doing. I'll never forget my recounting my relationship with my ex and him saying, "red flag", "red flag", "red flag" probably 25 times, and I wasn't even finished!
My therapist enlightened me in just a few sessions (though I did continue with him for over a year). I highly recommend it!
My therapist enlightened me in just a few sessions (though I did continue with him for over a year). I highly recommend it!
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
I've only recently started dating again. And I have to really force myself to identify when I get those gut feelings and pay attention.
I did date someone briefly and I ignored a gut feeling I got off the first conversation. It came up again a few weeks later and I realised I had to pay attention, and have let this person go. I've just become really clear about what is and is not going to work for me in a potential partner, something I really was not able to identify or vocalise before. I think this is because I've spent time learning whom I am and what are my boundaries, and that those matter a lot. Healing from codependency means knowing that you are an equal and important part of each relationship, and your needs and boundaries hold equal importance.
I did date someone briefly and I ignored a gut feeling I got off the first conversation. It came up again a few weeks later and I realised I had to pay attention, and have let this person go. I've just become really clear about what is and is not going to work for me in a potential partner, something I really was not able to identify or vocalise before. I think this is because I've spent time learning whom I am and what are my boundaries, and that those matter a lot. Healing from codependency means knowing that you are an equal and important part of each relationship, and your needs and boundaries hold equal importance.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2021
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by Freshstart1111 
But I just second guess that I’m overreacting to any alcohol these days. I’m still figuring out whether I need someone to be completely sober.
If it was me in your situation, I wouldn't want to start a relationship with that person but we're all different.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Freshstart1111
I had 22 year marriage to alcoholic and 8 months ago ended a close friendship/situationship with another emotionally unavailable man whose coping mechanism was drinking. So I’m now trying to navigate potentially dating. I am trying to not repeat my old patterns of saying “he’s such a good guy” but overlooking the red flags.
So, at a friends yesterday and a mutual single friend is there. Everyone knows he’s a “good guy”. Most are drinking, though I’m not (I rarely drink now after these relationships as I realized for the most part I was only drinking cuz everyone else was. I prefer not to cuz I don’t really like the feeling of drinking anymore much). This single guy is having a few beers and a cigar. Nothing major it seemed.
We were taking about popcorn and he said homemade popcorn and a nice glass of whiskey is always nice. Is this a red flag? My thought goes to…he drinks alone. But maybe people have a whiskey or a glass of wine alone? I have no idea what is normal anymore.
So, at a friends yesterday and a mutual single friend is there. Everyone knows he’s a “good guy”. Most are drinking, though I’m not (I rarely drink now after these relationships as I realized for the most part I was only drinking cuz everyone else was. I prefer not to cuz I don’t really like the feeling of drinking anymore much). This single guy is having a few beers and a cigar. Nothing major it seemed.
We were taking about popcorn and he said homemade popcorn and a nice glass of whiskey is always nice. Is this a red flag? My thought goes to…he drinks alone. But maybe people have a whiskey or a glass of wine alone? I have no idea what is normal anymore.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by trailmix
I don't know if I would be that concerned about the comment, but I would be concerned about his taste in combos of food and drink lol
Good comment
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
