coco04

Hi! Newbie here. It's Sunday night after a weekend of bargaining, pleading, wishing, crying, etc. I'm sure you know the gig. Started on Thursday, after work, he wanted to get a drink with his buddy and I would go along. We went, he got wasted, I stayed sober to drive us home. He said "the next 2 days I'm yours...sober, happy, friendly". Referring to my holiday party for work, that he didn't want to go to. My husband is not very comfortable in social situations, and has a habit of getting drunk and rude. Anyway, Friday comes, went to my parent's, good night, no drinking, and in bed by 10. Sat comes, go to my brothers for BBQ, he starts drinking. I am monitoring it from a distance (that's so much fun), he seemed to be pretty ok when we left. So we get to my work christmas party. He starts drinking a soda...great! Next he has a glass of wine, no problem. He's mingling, it's going great. Dinner time, we sit down, and I start noticing he's starting to get drunk. I ask him to slow down. Beg him. Like he ever listens, but I feel I have to ask. Next I see him drinking coffee. Great! He's set his own limit! Whew...I don't have to worry about any scenes tonight and my co-workers won't think badly of him, I am thinking. I notice some of the coffee has dribbled on his chin. As I wipe it off, I smell his coffee and find out it's half Baileys. He doesn't handle hard alcohol well...he doesn't handle any alcohol well, really. Anyway, now the familiar signs are there...he's slurring, he's making faces that he thinks no one else sees...time to go. On the way home he's turning the radio station in my friend's car and turning the volume up, not very polite. In his eyes, he's held it together because he didn't cause a scene. After my friend drops us at our car, I tell him what I am thinking. Now he thinks I'm nit picking, and asks to be dropped off at his friend's house. It's 10pm. I take him there because I don't want to deal with him, and I go home, crying. Today, he comes home but brings a friend. It's football day, so they "have" to drink beer. He's sorry, blowing me kisses, I say we'll talk later. His friend just left, and he's snoring on the couch, drunk.

I have known he's an alcoholic for a long time, but never wanted to say it. It makes the problem too real, and solidifies it as a problem. Now I love him. I've been with him for 8 years. I really don't know what I'm supposed to do. I have been reading the messages on this site, and sounds like most people are still with their "A". Is it just a matter of acceptance? I want to yell and scream and kick him out, but I know we'll talk when he's sober and he'll show me the man I love, and I'll take him back. Any advice?? Anyone out there in the same boat??

ludicrous

I don't know what to say. I was always the drunk. Don't want to go back there. It was real hard for me to be convinced that I should quit completely. I tried to quit/cut down twice, but to no avail. Finally the mother-in-law drove me crazy. My drinking skyrocketed. Drank a half gallon of absolute in two days. On the second day of the hangover I just lost it and end up in jail. I approached it as positively as possible (i even hired one inmate to be my coach to get me through it) . Some of us are just hard learners but your friend needs to know he is no exception to the hole he's digging. He can change now or later. It's the price tag that will change (just like inflation only worse). Try to convince him to get help. Show him what he's going to lose and gain. After three months sober I bought myself a diamond ring for $490, it's appraised for $700. So now I tell myself that my next drink will cost $700. It's insentive.

Good Luck and keep the sunny side up.

JennyK

My only advice at this point is to realize that YOU have no control over his choices. If you nag, you become the nag. If you remind, you become the "mother". If you negociate, you waste your breath.

You can not control it. Stating how you feel gives him a target for making it YOUR problem.

Keep reading here. You will learn. I have.

Prayers and strength you.

Jenny

coco04

I appreciate the support. I am just frustrated because this is a pattern for him. He drinks more than he doesn't. He's one of those people that once he has one beer, he is drinking until he passes out. I've seen him fall asleep with a beer in his hand. I get up in the night when I know he's gotten up to make sure he's peeing in the toilet, and not in the garbage can or the closet. I've checked to see if he is still breathing. He gets night sweats. His breath smells sweet. He's been thrown out of numerous bars and insulted numerous people, including my friends. I get tired of making excuses for his behavior, and hoping it will change. Just venting. Thanks!

noifs2day

Welcome CoCo!

I'm glad you posted! I've been there too.
In my case, when I monitored my A from a distance, I became more concerned whether he was drinking too much or making an a$$ out of himself, that I didn't enjoy the party. I excused myself from the fun I was having to intercept the trouble that (I thought) would be happeneing shortly (if I didn't hurry and "fix" it).

As for people staying or not staying with their A's... that is a personal decision. Some do. Some don't.

One thing MOST (I think most) of us do, is to find a support group such as Al Anon, SoberRecovery or CoDA group. SR is a great place to come and learn.

No one here can make your decisions. BUT... through the people here, and others you encounter in recovery... you will learn to recognize your own answers. Then... you will learn how to apply them to your life and situation.

I am an Al-Anon member. I've found a great deal of comfort in knowing that I am not alone. I am greatful to all the Long-timers who keep coming back to share a little more of their wisdom each week. The friendships that I've made in Al-Anon are better friendships than I've had in years. - Now, this didn't happen overnight, but I am thankful that I found the courage to start the process.

Today through SR and Al-Anon I am learning how to keep the focus on ME... and to create a world that I want to live in, breath in, and be a part of.

You are right... It is about acceptance. But ... It is first about "Becoming Aware", then "Accepting", then comes the "Action". For me, the awareness and the acceptance seemed to come together, though I would deny them and push it away, then, after months of denying and accepting, I finally choose to become aware and accept the situations in my life.

You didn't mention if you had children. Do you?
Have you gone to any Al-Anon meetings?

Keep Posting & Reading & Learning... the answers will come.

noifs2day

Yes, they have their pattern... and we have ours.
By the way, I've dated his twin. Just Kidding. It sure seems like it though.

coco04

z

coco04

Thank you, No Ifs! It helps me, too, to know that others have or are experiencing the same things. This isn't something I talk to my friends or family about because I don't want them to worry, and it's embarrassing. So this is a good start for me. We do not have children yet. I am 32 and have been ready for a while, just waiting on him to be done partying. That's a whole other can of worms...I question all of the time if I should have a child with him. Then I wonder if a child would help. Then sometimes I just say screw it, it's what I want, and I'll just get rid of him after I have our baby! But that's only on my irrational days. I guess time will tell. I have never been to an Al-Anon meeting. I actually was searching the web for one when I found this site. Not sure how I feel about the 12 step programs, but some support would be nice. I will certainly look into it. Already, this little bit has helped.

noifs2day

My friends did not understand the pain. They didn't understand why I wanted to stay one day and ring his neck the next. The Al-Anons understood what I felt and more importantly, I felt comfortable talking about my situation.

When you say embarrassing, do you kind of meen like... you should have known better to get to where you were, and didn't know how to get out... or something elce? For me, that's mostly what it was. Also, there was the part of me that wouldn't let him own his own embarrassment (for peeing in the garbage can... or for being a jerk...). I took on the guilt... that I thought he should have had... for doing those things before he ever got a chance to feel embarrased, therefore, never letting him be accountable for his own actions.

If you ever doubt it... then it probably isn't meant to be -- quite yet.
I am 35 with no kids, 3 nieces and 2 nephews that are my loaner-kids. Seems like the more I learn, the less I want kids. BUT .... when you are feeling maternal... there are some great parents on this site that can enlighten you about kids growing up with one or more parents who are alcoholics or addicts. It is very interesting.


http://alanon.org/meetings/meeting.html ---at your fingertips.

SJW

I, too, encourage you to keep coming here or get to an Al-Anon meeting for some support. I don't like to talk to my family or friends about my husband's drinking, either. I guess I figure they will judge me out loud. Some days that would bother me, and some days I wouldn't care. I'm sure I'm being judged because of his behavior by others, but what he does is NOT my fault. If other people don't have anything better to do than pay attention to what the two of us are doing, they must not have much of a life!

This message board is a good place to come. You get to hear stories from all kinds of people. And all of them have experienced just what you are going through. No one judges you here. They just understand and support you.

If I were you, I would certainly hold off on having children with him. Babies don't fix bad situations. You want the very best life for your baby, and an alcoholic daddy isn't the best thing for a baby. It might make you feel a little less lonely, but it will only compound the problems you encounter with your husband. Then you will have a baby to worry about, in addition to yourself. One less person hurt by alcoholism is a good thing, in my opinion.

He won't quit drinking until he is ready, if ever. Try to determine what your boundaries will be with him regarding his drinking in the mean time. One of mine is NOT to attend any kind of party with him when he is drinking. If he wants to get drunk and make a fool of himself, he can. But not with me in attendance. I also will not ride with him when he drinks.

I had a tendency to just want to stay home and cut all ties with friends because it was easier than to make the effort to be social. I have since decided that it was a reaction to his drinking, and once I decided not to let his drinking control me, I have begun to live my own life. I very often feel like "room mates" only with my A since we lead kind of separate lives under the same roof. That's sad for me to admit, but it's the truth. Until I finish school and can afford to live on my own, leaving is not much of an option. Although if I was faced with abuse, I would find a way to make it an option.

Decide how much of your life you want to give over to alcoholism, and go from there. You can live with an alcoholic. God knows we've all done it to some extent. You can have a good life, in spite of him, when you take the focus off from him and put it on yourself. You learn how to do that with the help of people at Alanon. I would strongly encourage you to find a group and get started. You're on the right track! Hang in there!

SJW

CrazyRed

Hello. I am 33 and have been dating your A's twin since I was 16.
I too used to go to the bar with my Active A and his friends, be the sober one to drive. Did the breathing checks at night and endured the stinky night sweats. My friends/family didn't and still don't fully understand the situation, but my AlAnon friends sure do. I don't go to the bar with him anymore, personal decision. Quit sleeping next to him most of the time -he stays up all night watching tv anyways.

No, the A and I aren't married. We don't cohabitate, no offspring either. We get along so perfectly while he is sober, the drunk version of him and I do not enjoy each other's company very much. His family adores me and I them. Sure I would love to marry the sober side of him and have children -again I am 33 and am running out of the energy needed to chase a toddler, among other things. I don't believe I want to be married to an active A, but I don't have to decide that today. I know that I am not in a position to want to choose to be a single parent for certain, but that is a personal decision.

I started attending AlAnon meetings earlier this year, and I met someone for the first time -that person was Me. I'm getting to know myself and what I like and dislike. It's fun and interesting exploring this person I never knew existed.

Enough rambling on my part! Keep us updated and you will be in my thoughts!

~Red