Don't know if it is depression or finally just not caring what people think anymore
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Don't know if it is depression or finally just not caring what people think anymore
I have always been more of a homebody but I think I was always kind of ashamed of it in a way. I don't know why. I have shared a little about my childhood and teen years but I grew up in an area that was known for partying in a way. It was glamorized on TV and I had friends in that scene... I always was a person who was invited yet I always felt like I didn't fit into it. Even when I was 17 I would rather be reading a teeny magazine with the fireplace lit all cozy on the sofa with my mom on the other sofa... I mean everyone considered me a social butterfly but the truth is that I loved connection but not partying. Tonight a lot of my friend are at parties... I was invited to a big one with about 100-150 people from the ages 35-60 and I honestly don't understand or relate to why someone would want to dress up and get drunk at this age. I am just about to turn 40... I do have a few really close friends that agree... but my friend that is having the party recently referred to me as a homebody and then a hermit. I for sure love the quiet and coziness of home but I don't think I am a hermit but any stretch. I mean I execute over 100 weddings a year so at least 2-3 days a week I am onsite at location for 8-15 hours each day talking to hundreds of people... I don't think I could be a hermit and have several maybe more long term ongoing friendship for over 2 decades with some of them.... Plus it hurt when she said that because I have been a bit more to myself since my exAH left me... I find I am too exhausted to put on a happy face and fake small talk... anyone else?
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Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333 
I have always been more of a homebody but I think I was always kind of ashamed of it in a way. I don't know why. I have shared a little about my childhood and teen years but I grew up in an area that was known for partying in a way. It was glamorized on TV and I had friends in that scene... I always was a person who was invited yet I always felt like I didn't fit into it. Even when I was 17 I would rather be reading a teeny magazine with the fireplace lit all cozy on the sofa with my mom on the other sofa... I mean everyone considered me a social butterfly but the truth is that I loved connection but not partying. Tonight a lot of my friend are at parties... I was invited to a big one with about 100-150 people from the ages 35-60 and I honestly don't understand or relate to why someone would want to dress up and get drunk at this age. I am just about to turn 40... I do have a few really close friends that agree... but my friend that is having the party recently referred to me as a homebody and then a hermit. I for sure love the quiet and coziness of home but I don't think I am a hermit but any stretch. I mean I execute over 100 weddings a year so at least 2-3 days a week I am onsite at location for 8-15 hours each day talking to hundreds of people... I don't think I could be a hermit and have several maybe more long term ongoing friendship for over 2 decades with some of them.... Plus it hurt when she said that because I have been a bit more to myself since my exAH left me... I find I am too exhausted to put on a happy face and fake small talk... anyone else?
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LK.......As I understand it, you sre more comfortable staying home---but, you are hurt because you felt judged by being called a "hermit".
In addition, you say that you have laways been a homebody.......
If this is true, I wonder why you ask if this id depression.....? Why would you think it might be depression?
I am wondering what your thersoist days about this.
Do you think that you have just aleways been a natural introvert?
In addition, you say that you have laways been a homebody.......
If this is true, I wonder why you ask if this id depression.....? Why would you think it might be depression?
I am wondering what your thersoist days about this.
Do you think that you have just aleways been a natural introvert?
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Originally Posted by dandylion
LK.......As I understand it, you sre more comfortable staying home---but, you are hurt because you felt judged by being called a "hermit".
In addition, you say that you have laways been a homebody.......
If this is true, I wonder why you ask if this id depression.....? Why would you think it might be depression?
I am wondering what your thersoist days about this.
Do you think that you have just aleways been a natural introvert?
In addition, you say that you have laways been a homebody.......
If this is true, I wonder why you ask if this id depression.....? Why would you think it might be depression?
I am wondering what your thersoist days about this.
Do you think that you have just aleways been a natural introvert?
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kaya........lol...I am not any kind of expert, but, I have read a lot of research articles on introversion...and, about social anxiety and temprementald shyness, etc.
To me, your self description sounds almost like textbook introversion.
I can see why your therapist thinks there is nothing wrong with it.
Why would you question if it is "depression", thoolugh?
To me, your self description sounds almost like textbook introversion.
I can see why your therapist thinks there is nothing wrong with it.
Why would you question if it is "depression", thoolugh?
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Originally Posted by dandylion
kaya........lol...I am not any kind of expert, but, I have read a lot of research articles on introversion...and, about social anxiety and temprementald shyness, etc.
To me, your self description sounds almost like textbook introversion.
I can see why your therapist thinks there is nothing wrong with it.
Why would you question if it is "depression", thoolugh?
To me, your self description sounds almost like textbook introversion.
I can see why your therapist thinks there is nothing wrong with it.
Why would you question if it is "depression", thoolugh?
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Kaya......yeah, I get it---sometimes, our friends can say something that hurts our feelings---and, be totally oblivious as to their own carelessness---or insensitivity. I know it has happened to me, before.
I am wondering if you have just outgrown your role with her, so some extent.
As we make changes in ourselves, it seems inevitable that our relationships with some people do change, also.
lol...I think that is a part of the rock in the pond metaphor.----which says that, if you toss a single pebble into a still pond, the ripples will, eventually, reach every single part of the pond.
That---if you change o ne part, it will bring change to every other part.
I am wondering if you have just outgrown your role with her, so some extent.
As we make changes in ourselves, it seems inevitable that our relationships with some people do change, also.
lol...I think that is a part of the rock in the pond metaphor.----which says that, if you toss a single pebble into a still pond, the ripples will, eventually, reach every single part of the pond.
That---if you change o ne part, it will bring change to every other part.
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Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
I've always had an introverted personality, and as I've become more comfortable with that through the years, it's really just a label . . . yes, I've had therapists over the years ask me about depression, and what that looks like to someone else, well, they can have an opinion but what matters in my world is my opinion. I've come to understand that for me, my energy that I'm comfortable with, is very even and low - key, possibly because I'm sensitive to other people's energy, so if it's just me, I keep the energy level where I'm comfortable.
I just don't do drama, especially if it's other people's s***. I just don't. And I don't do small talk. If there's something to be said, sure, I'm the first to jump into a conversation, but there's so much in this life beyond what comes out of my own mouth.
So, my thought here is that you should be how you are comfortable being, Kaya. JADE comes into play here. And if someone shares their opinion, bless them for sharing, and let it go, because that opinion of you is really all about them. (My sister is constantly telling me how worried she is about me. I don't have to play that game anymore. I'm good. And I tell her that. And I go back to whatever it was that I was immersed in, and I'm happy).
I just don't do drama, especially if it's other people's s***. I just don't. And I don't do small talk. If there's something to be said, sure, I'm the first to jump into a conversation, but there's so much in this life beyond what comes out of my own mouth.
So, my thought here is that you should be how you are comfortable being, Kaya. JADE comes into play here. And if someone shares their opinion, bless them for sharing, and let it go, because that opinion of you is really all about them. (My sister is constantly telling me how worried she is about me. I don't have to play that game anymore. I'm good. And I tell her that. And I go back to whatever it was that I was immersed in, and I'm happy).
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Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333
my friend that is having the party recently referred to me as a homebody and then a hermit.
I agree with dandylion that you have probably changed from what she expects of you - being that "anchor" if you like, the friend that is there for her at the party or anywhere, so that's disappointing to her. If she had asked you why you don't want to do this anymore, are you ok, just not feeling it? That would be nice, that's not the case.
Sometimes people trying to stick a label on you just means - you are not what I need you to be or the way I want you to be and I don't like that. The better you get to know yourself and what you like, the more you like yourself, the easier it will be to brush off comments like that. It's what SHE would like you to be, nothing to do with you personally.
I 100% understand the being around people, even if it's a work situation, then needing to just relax away from people. That is so normal (and good for you).
Maybe her observation is just you being you, taking care of yourself - so good on you for that!
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Introvert here. Nothing wrong with it. I LOVE being in my home especially now is free from any alcoholics being here.
We introverts are awesome.
I wonder why your friend felt the need to pass judgement on you. Something going on within her. Usually is when people judge others.
Boy, I wouldn't go to a party ever!! The noise, people shouting and not listening to each other. Awful.
I love one to one deep connection with a friend. Now, that is my idea of a "party".
We introverts are awesome.
I wonder why your friend felt the need to pass judgement on you. Something going on within her. Usually is when people judge others.
Boy, I wouldn't go to a party ever!! The noise, people shouting and not listening to each other. Awful.
I love one to one deep connection with a friend. Now, that is my idea of a "party".
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A party that big wouldn't ordinarily appeal to me either. I'll happily attend a wedding where vows are exchanged and people go from being single to being married. Sometimes there are political things Current Partner and I have gone to. I like real parties where people got to know one another, and enjoy one another's company.
Actually, the last party I went to was fun. A bunch of people knew one another well enough to converse, and there were actual party games that encouraged people to talk to others and interact. It was fun.
I'm not especially worried about COVID but...a big party like that in times like this, just to get together...I wouldn't necessarily go either. Add to that, my pet peeve is people using the word 'party' as a verb: euphemism for drinking one's self into oblivion. One of my old neighbors used to have loud 'parties' and invite dozens of people. We sometimes had to call them and ask them to turn the music down so we could hear our own TV. Their house was, no joke, maybe three or four hundred feet away. Someone asked if we were jealous because we weren't invited. I said, no, they don't care who they invite. She looked at me funny. "They turn the music up so loud they can't possibly talk to one another. It doesn't matter who's there" I said. A gathering like that is just an excuse to drink, and heck you're not drinking alone, so it must be okay.
You may have simply outgrown the need for an excuse to drink. You don't care. Nothing wrong with that.
Actually, the last party I went to was fun. A bunch of people knew one another well enough to converse, and there were actual party games that encouraged people to talk to others and interact. It was fun.
I'm not especially worried about COVID but...a big party like that in times like this, just to get together...I wouldn't necessarily go either. Add to that, my pet peeve is people using the word 'party' as a verb: euphemism for drinking one's self into oblivion. One of my old neighbors used to have loud 'parties' and invite dozens of people. We sometimes had to call them and ask them to turn the music down so we could hear our own TV. Their house was, no joke, maybe three or four hundred feet away. Someone asked if we were jealous because we weren't invited. I said, no, they don't care who they invite. She looked at me funny. "They turn the music up so loud they can't possibly talk to one another. It doesn't matter who's there" I said. A gathering like that is just an excuse to drink, and heck you're not drinking alone, so it must be okay.
You may have simply outgrown the need for an excuse to drink. You don't care. Nothing wrong with that.
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Kaya, I'm so OK w/spending time by myself, and my idea of a lovely evening is a good book and a pot of herb tea, maybe some tasty little snacks. Spending an afternoon with my crochet hook and latest project or at my spinning wheel is what recharges my batteries, NOT going out to be with a bunch of people. I do need contact, of course, and I have a handful of people I talk with, but "going out" just isn't my thing.
I don't think there's anything at all wrong with your situation. Some of us are "extro", and some of us are "intro", and there is a wide spectrum.
I don't think there's anything at all wrong with your situation. Some of us are "extro", and some of us are "intro", and there is a wide spectrum.
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Join Date: Mar 2021
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Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333
She has been a really good friend of mine for 22 years but always had to be the center of attention and is a big partier/drinker now... so I think she really just misses me being her quiet friend taht she can be loud around and I simply don't have the energy to play that part anymore
I know when I am faced with realizing someone is not as trustworthy or “there for me” in a healthy way as I previously thought, I get weirdly upset at me, instead of them. Like I feel uncomfortable thinking those uncharitable thoughts about a friend, even guilty. I’ll run the thought exercises of “maybe it really is me and I should be a better friend to them” or “maybe they really meant it well and do have my best interests at heart…” But really I know I’m standing up for myself and what’s best for me better than ever before and it turns out this friend doesn’t actually know how to be my friend when I put myself first and not them. And it sucks to think about that. To see it clearly.
Plus I’m team-Hermit all the way. 😄😅 In Tarot, the Hermit card represents someone willing to go their own way to find inner wisdom, and true enlightenment, and grow as a person, even if it involves going off the beaten path. Why is that a bad thing? Hermits are often wise mentors in fairytales and mythology, they just have no patience for bullsh*t 🤣
TL;DR: maybe you have better boundaries and your friend is a little upset/uncomfortable with that and is pushing back.
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Kaya, I don't think there is anything wrong, whatsoever, with your choices.
I'm another hermit! And happy to be so. I don't particularly enjoy parties with large groups of people. I find drunk people annoying, I always have done. I don't mind people being "merry", but that p*ssed drunk stage, I can't stand at all. So I choose not to be in that kind of environment.
Like you, my work life involves constantly interacting/talking with others, so I love my quiet time to chill out and recharge.
There will always be people who make assumptions, when we veer away from the things that "everybody does". Perhaps they should question themselves, as to why they have to follow the crowd?
Much Love
Bute x
I'm another hermit! And happy to be so. I don't particularly enjoy parties with large groups of people. I find drunk people annoying, I always have done. I don't mind people being "merry", but that p*ssed drunk stage, I can't stand at all. So I choose not to be in that kind of environment.
Like you, my work life involves constantly interacting/talking with others, so I love my quiet time to chill out and recharge.
There will always be people who make assumptions, when we veer away from the things that "everybody does". Perhaps they should question themselves, as to why they have to follow the crowd?
Much Love
Bute x
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Originally Posted by edoering
Little bit out-of-left-field thought here—but maybe her comments really affected you because some part of you is realizing she’s not as good a friend as you’ve maybe thought of her as before, and with all this awesome work you’ve been doing on your own boundaries and your own needs and your own self-worth you can see it more now.
I know when I am faced with realizing someone is not as trustworthy or “there for me” in a healthy way as I previously thought, I get weirdly upset at me, instead of them. Like I feel uncomfortable thinking those uncharitable thoughts about a friend, even guilty. I’ll run the thought exercises of “maybe it really is me and I should be a better friend to them” or “maybe they really meant it well and do have my best interests at heart…” But really I know I’m standing up for myself and what’s best for me better than ever before and it turns out this friend doesn’t actually know how to be my friend when I put myself first and not them. And it sucks to think about that. To see it clearly.
Plus I’m team-Hermit all the way. 😄😅 In Tarot, the Hermit card represents someone willing to go their own way to find inner wisdom, and true enlightenment, and grow as a person, even if it involves going off the beaten path. Why is that a bad thing? Hermits are often wise mentors in fairytales and mythology, they just have no patience for bullsh*t 🤣
TL;DR: maybe you have better boundaries and your friend is a little upset/uncomfortable with that and is pushing back.
I know when I am faced with realizing someone is not as trustworthy or “there for me” in a healthy way as I previously thought, I get weirdly upset at me, instead of them. Like I feel uncomfortable thinking those uncharitable thoughts about a friend, even guilty. I’ll run the thought exercises of “maybe it really is me and I should be a better friend to them” or “maybe they really meant it well and do have my best interests at heart…” But really I know I’m standing up for myself and what’s best for me better than ever before and it turns out this friend doesn’t actually know how to be my friend when I put myself first and not them. And it sucks to think about that. To see it clearly.
Plus I’m team-Hermit all the way. 😄😅 In Tarot, the Hermit card represents someone willing to go their own way to find inner wisdom, and true enlightenment, and grow as a person, even if it involves going off the beaten path. Why is that a bad thing? Hermits are often wise mentors in fairytales and mythology, they just have no patience for bullsh*t 🤣
TL;DR: maybe you have better boundaries and your friend is a little upset/uncomfortable with that and is pushing back.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Kaya......yeah, I get it---sometimes, our friends can say something that hurts our feelings---and, be totally oblivious as to their own carelessness---or insensitivity. I know it has happened to me, before.
I am wondering if you have just outgrown your role with her, so some extent.
As we make changes in ourselves, it seems inevitable that our relationships with some people do change, also.
lol...I think that is a part of the rock in the pond metaphor.----which says that, if you toss a single pebble into a still pond, the ripples will, eventually, reach every single part of the pond.
That---if you change o ne part, it will bring change to every other part.
I am wondering if you have just outgrown your role with her, so some extent.
As we make changes in ourselves, it seems inevitable that our relationships with some people do change, also.
lol...I think that is a part of the rock in the pond metaphor.----which says that, if you toss a single pebble into a still pond, the ripples will, eventually, reach every single part of the pond.
That---if you change o ne part, it will bring change to every other part.
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Originally Posted by Bute
Kaya, I don't think there is anything wrong, whatsoever, with your choices.
I'm another hermit! And happy to be so. I don't particularly enjoy parties with large groups of people. I find drunk people annoying, I always have done. I don't mind people being "merry", but that p*ssed drunk stage, I can't stand at all. So I choose not to be in that kind of environment.
Like you, my work life involves constantly interacting/talking with others, so I love my quiet time to chill out and recharge.
There will always be people who make assumptions, when we veer away from the things that "everybody does". Perhaps they should question themselves, as to why they have to follow the crowd?
Much Love
Bute x
I'm another hermit! And happy to be so. I don't particularly enjoy parties with large groups of people. I find drunk people annoying, I always have done. I don't mind people being "merry", but that p*ssed drunk stage, I can't stand at all. So I choose not to be in that kind of environment.
Like you, my work life involves constantly interacting/talking with others, so I love my quiet time to chill out and recharge.
There will always be people who make assumptions, when we veer away from the things that "everybody does". Perhaps they should question themselves, as to why they have to follow the crowd?
Much Love
Bute x
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Originally Posted by honeypig
Kaya, I'm so OK w/spending time by myself, and my idea of a lovely evening is a good book and a pot of herb tea, maybe some tasty little snacks. Spending an afternoon with my crochet hook and latest project or at my spinning wheel is what recharges my batteries, NOT going out to be with a bunch of people. I do need contact, of course, and I have a handful of people I talk with, but "going out" just isn't my thing.
I don't think there's anything at all wrong with your situation. Some of us are "extro", and some of us are "intro", and there is a wide spectrum.
I don't think there's anything at all wrong with your situation. Some of us are "extro", and some of us are "intro", and there is a wide spectrum.
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Originally Posted by velma929
A party that big wouldn't ordinarily appeal to me either. I'll happily attend a wedding where vows are exchanged and people go from being single to being married. Sometimes there are political things Current Partner and I have gone to. I like real parties where people got to know one another, and enjoy one another's company.
Actually, the last party I went to was fun. A bunch of people knew one another well enough to converse, and there were actual party games that encouraged people to talk to others and interact. It was fun.
I'm not especially worried about COVID but...a big party like that in times like this, just to get together...I wouldn't necessarily go either. Add to that, my pet peeve is people using the word 'party' as a verb: euphemism for drinking one's self into oblivion. One of my old neighbors used to have loud 'parties' and invite dozens of people. We sometimes had to call them and ask them to turn the music down so we could hear our own TV. Their house was, no joke, maybe three or four hundred feet away. Someone asked if we were jealous because we weren't invited. I said, no, they don't care who they invite. She looked at me funny. "They turn the music up so loud they can't possibly talk to one another. It doesn't matter who's there" I said. A gathering like that is just an excuse to drink, and heck you're not drinking alone, so it must be okay.
You may have simply outgrown the need for an excuse to drink. You don't care. Nothing wrong with that.
Actually, the last party I went to was fun. A bunch of people knew one another well enough to converse, and there were actual party games that encouraged people to talk to others and interact. It was fun.
I'm not especially worried about COVID but...a big party like that in times like this, just to get together...I wouldn't necessarily go either. Add to that, my pet peeve is people using the word 'party' as a verb: euphemism for drinking one's self into oblivion. One of my old neighbors used to have loud 'parties' and invite dozens of people. We sometimes had to call them and ask them to turn the music down so we could hear our own TV. Their house was, no joke, maybe three or four hundred feet away. Someone asked if we were jealous because we weren't invited. I said, no, they don't care who they invite. She looked at me funny. "They turn the music up so loud they can't possibly talk to one another. It doesn't matter who's there" I said. A gathering like that is just an excuse to drink, and heck you're not drinking alone, so it must be okay.
You may have simply outgrown the need for an excuse to drink. You don't care. Nothing wrong with that.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
You're not a hermit, you may be a homebody when you aren't with 100 people at work! Nothing wrong with that. I would hate to think what your friend would make of me lol (I spend a lot of time alone - and not when I don't want to).
I agree with dandylion that you have probably changed from what she expects of you - being that "anchor" if you like, the friend that is there for her at the party or anywhere, so that's disappointing to her. If she had asked you why you don't want to do this anymore, are you ok, just not feeling it? That would be nice, that's not the case.
Sometimes people trying to stick a label on you just means - you are not what I need you to be or the way I want you to be and I don't like that. The better you get to know yourself and what you like, the more you like yourself, the easier it will be to brush off comments like that. It's what SHE would like you to be, nothing to do with you personally.
I 100% understand the being around people, even if it's a work situation, then needing to just relax away from people. That is so normal (and good for you).
Maybe her observation is just you being you, taking care of yourself - so good on you for that!
I agree with dandylion that you have probably changed from what she expects of you - being that "anchor" if you like, the friend that is there for her at the party or anywhere, so that's disappointing to her. If she had asked you why you don't want to do this anymore, are you ok, just not feeling it? That would be nice, that's not the case.
Sometimes people trying to stick a label on you just means - you are not what I need you to be or the way I want you to be and I don't like that. The better you get to know yourself and what you like, the more you like yourself, the easier it will be to brush off comments like that. It's what SHE would like you to be, nothing to do with you personally.
I 100% understand the being around people, even if it's a work situation, then needing to just relax away from people. That is so normal (and good for you).
Maybe her observation is just you being you, taking care of yourself - so good on you for that!
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