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I am pregnant and resent my partner deeply for his drunken actions.

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I am pregnant and resent my partner deeply for his drunken actions.

Old 10-26-2021, 06:10 PM
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I am pregnant and resent my partner deeply for his drunken actions.

Hi all! I just stumbled across this forum while searching for answers, and while I am skeptical that my partner of two years is a full-blown alcoholic, his drinking is causing me great distress and putting our relationship in jeopardy. I am hopeful that someone on here understands my view of things and has some insight as to what I should do.. I am desperate.

To preface, I am 24 weeks pregnant with an unplanned baby boy. This pregnancy has been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, and is made so much worse by my boyfriends drinking problem. I feel as though all the moments I should have found joyful were stolen from me by him and his liquor. I worry that he will be an unfit father to our son, and partner to me.

Let me quickly backtrack. The beginning of our relationship was probably the worst. I was going through a mental health crisis and had nowhere else to go, and so I ended up at his place. The trouble began almost immediately after that.

He cheated on me several times within the first few months of us being together, but continued to lie and contact those girls until 8 months in. When I finally found out and confronted him, he excused his indiscretions by saying that alcohol caused him to be reckless, and if an opportunity presented itself to him while he was drunk then it wasn’t his fault if he took it.

He uses alcohol as an excuse for other things, too; like his aggression, impulsivity, “verbal abuse”, etc. He grew up hard, and his “support system” of friends is terrible, unfortunately. They are all trash demons who find his treatment of me hilarious and sometimes join in themselves by being vulgar towards me, calling me names, putting my boyfriend in unsavory positions simply to upset me, and sometimes even physically hurting me. My boyfriend allows this. “I’ve known them my whole life”, he says, as if this excuses their disgusting behavior. The only reason they hang out with him is to get absolutely wasted and make mistakes. They don’t come around when there’s no alcohol involved.

Although my partner has never physically attacked me, he has broken, thrown, and punched things in my presence. Once I had locked myself in the bathroom to escape him and he punched a hole through the bathroom door. Another we were at a hotel and he was trying to run home after shoving me away from him, and he punched a glass fire extinguisher case right next to my head. It shattered. He knows that I am extra sensitive to these behaviors due to my traumatic past, but doesn’t seem to see a problem with them. He has also been aggressive with our 11 m/o dog.

Aside from the violence are his verbal assaults; gaslighting, blaming, taunting, saying things that he knows cause me distress, and then never apologizing for them. He acts out like this in public too, and no one ever says anything.

ALL of these things are fueled by alcohol. Although he’s slowed down a bit (has a couple beers after work on weekdays and goes out on the weekends), I find myself absolutely disgusted by his past actions. I have no trust in him anymore, especially since I have vocalized my stance on this issue and made it clear that I won’t tolerate this behavior anymore. He’s about to become a father and needs to DO BETTER.
He can never have just one, or none at all, and it always spirals out of control.

I know he has it in him to change, and truly I just want the best for him. But I absolutely dread the weekends when I know he will get drunk and mistreat me again, no matter the promises he’s made previously. (Another thing; I’m big on pinky promises and he always, always breaks them..) He makes me feel like it’s all my fault, saying Im controlling him and trying to sabotage his friendships and life in general, when all I want to do is help…

Please, if anyone has any insight on this predicament I’d love to hear it. Is this something we can fix?? I just want his son to have a father and for me to have a loving partner that I can trust.
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Old 10-26-2021, 06:16 PM
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This is not something YOU can fix. This is something only he can fix. But from what you describe, it doesn’t sound like he even acknowledges there is anything that needs fixing.

You say you know he has it in him to change. Based on what?

For your sake and for the sake of your child, I hope you can accept that he is not the person you want him to be, and there is no guarantee he ever will be. Now is not the time to rely on hope that he will improve.

You do deserve a partner you can trust and your child does deserve a loving father. He is not that man right now.
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Old 10-26-2021, 06:40 PM
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Not only can you not fix this situation nor fix him, it does not sound safe for you or your baby.

Have you considered staying somewhere else? Do you have family or friends you can stay with? Have you considered contacting a domestic violence shelter?
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Old 10-26-2021, 07:05 PM
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Hi thatsosim, glad you found the forum.

Originally Posted by thatsosim View Post
Is this something we can fix?? I just want his son to have a father and for me to have a loving partner that I can trust.
No.

You can't fix him and his Son will not have a loving father in him and you will not have a loving partner in him that you can trust.

That's the honest truth.

His alcoholism is his to fix (if he ever decides to). This will sound harsh and is not meant that way at all - you have a problem with his drinking, he doesn't. So there is nothing to actually "fix". He's ok just the way he is. He is a liar, a cheater and an alcoholic. You deserve SO much better in your life, as will your Son.

What you want in a partner and Father is not what he is. We can't actually change people you know? He is who he is and that's not good for you at all (or the baby to be). I really hope that there is somewhere else you can stay or that you will reach out to an organization, like domestic violence, who can find you a safe place to stay.


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Old 10-26-2021, 09:48 PM
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Welcome Thatsosim, I am so sorry for what brings you here but I am glad you are reaching out. The situation you are in sounds incredibly toxic. I don't mean to be harsh but the fact he treats you badly in public and allows his friends to treat you badly shows his lack of respect for you. What will you do when you have a newborn and are vulnerable and dependent? I am sure you must be feeling trapped and are hoping he will change but as has been said many times here before hope is not a strategy. You are having a baby and you owe it to him to provide a safe and healthy environment. Please get yourself out of this place, you deserve to be treated well and respected. Again, I don't want to sound harsh or unkind I just want you to see the situation for what it is and save yourself. Hugs to you.
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Old 10-27-2021, 08:12 AM
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Your situation sounds like a ticking time bomb, he is showing you who he is, that
he is capable of violence, and even being amused by letting his friends be vulgar to you.

This is so dangerous for you, why do you think this treatment towards you is
ok? You cannot change anyone but you. This is not alcohol fueled but a severe
character defect, he does not respect you, care about you, or care about the baby.
Actions, it's only the actions to watch & his actions towards you are of hate and
disgust. You getting pregnant will not magically make him want to become a
man, a man with values and good character.

Please get yourself away as soon as possible, find a safe environment for you and
your baby. You need a good support system and when the time is right, maybe
you will be able to answer the question of why YOU tolerate this horrible treatment.
Until you know the answer, you will enmesh yourself with more men like him.

Very best wishes to you and your baby.
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Old 10-27-2021, 08:27 AM
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You need to leave that situation quickly for the sake of your unborn song and poor dog! You do not deserve this and there is so much better out there for you. Don't allow this behavior or he will just keep doing it. Please leave.
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Old 10-27-2021, 08:44 AM
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I'm afraid everything you've said only points to this situation getting worse. You may have been conditioned to think that you dont deserve better or that the situation is redeemable when the baby is born but as we all know on here, alcoholism and/or problem drinking is a progressive disease...untreated it never gets better. And nobody can initiate that treatment other than himself. I imagine that you already know what to do....ie. turn around, put your head down and run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. You wont 'fix' his behaviour, only he can do that himself and unless he WANTS to it just wont happen no matter how many emotional ties you think you can tether him to. Hoping the best for you and your baby....and for your sick partner too.
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Old 10-27-2021, 10:26 AM
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I am so sorry for the situation you find yourself in, no one should aver be treated that way. It is extreme emotional abuse, and the stress will not be healthy for your unborn son. He is clearly a man of low character, violent, and an alcoholic so will not be a good father. His behavior will not change until he gets completely sober and works a long-term plan of recovery, which is different than just getting sober. It involves work on character. He belongs in AA.

I agree that you need to get out of there and to a safe place. Contact a domestic violence hotline when it is safe to do so, for more guidance. Do not tell him where you have gone, leave when he is not around, and do not go back - as that is when these types of men are most dangerous. I also suggest that you read a book on co-dependency and more of the threads on here.
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Old 10-27-2021, 10:31 AM
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Get out!

Its hard. Do it for the baby, if not for yourself.

please, please be safe.
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Old 10-27-2021, 10:44 AM
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What a horrible person he is to treat you that way, and also encourage his friends to do so.
LOVE doesn't behave that way, and you and your little baby most certainly deserve better. No one should be subjected to that disgusting behaviour. He does not deserve you or the baby.
If you stay in this situation, he will make both your lifes an absolute misery. Get yourself out as soon as you can. Don't even tell him you're leaving! Arrange it for when he's out of the house and just go. He doesn't deserve the dog either, so take it with you. Especially if he's cruel to it.
This really isn't something you can " fix". He is not, nor is he remotely likely to be, the man you would like for a partner and loving father.
Your mental and physical health will certainly be impacted by all this stress. Remove yourself from it as fast as you can. On your own, you can have peace, and look forward to your little son coming into the world. I really feel for you, and wish you the best.
Much Love
Bute xx
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Old 10-27-2021, 10:44 AM
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I'm sorry, but he sounds like a scumbag. No man worth his salt treats a woman that way. Being intoxicated isn't an excuse for anything. The way he was raised isn't an excuse. His friends likewise are no excuse. Dump him asap. He's a danger to you and your unborn child, and it sounds like your dog as well, (which is particularly disgusting on his part). You can do better. You deserve better. Heed the advice of folks like Sparklekitty and Trailmix and contact your local DV center and make a plan. Hugs to you.
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Old 10-27-2021, 01:02 PM
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run for your life and your unborn baby boys life and future. I am sorry, but its probably hard for you to 'see the forest for the trees'. Don't go down this road any farther, for it can only bring more heartache and mental anguish, for you, and a terrible atmosphere for your baby.
get some counselling help from domestic violence professionals... they will help you to see clearly. best wishes and prayers for your safety and your future.
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Old 10-27-2021, 02:56 PM
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Please seek help and assistance from a DV agency. What you are living is full out abuse. This will only escalate once the baby arrives and his “lifestyle” is krimped further in his FU mind.
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Old 10-27-2021, 05:11 PM
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At the beginning of the relationship (when it's easiest to get along) he spent being being unfaithful.

He's mean. He's violent. He doesn't take responsibility for anything. Just spitballing here, maybe he thinks you have no options, so he can treat you any way he likes, and you'll still be there. Maybe he resents supporting you, and even more "being trapped" with a baby.

His drinking is the least of the problems. He's a toxic individual. I don't say this lightly: In my opinion, your child would be better off with no father than this one. Do you want your child growing up thinking this is the way men and women relate to one another?
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Old 10-27-2021, 06:17 PM
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Have you seen ‘Maid’,on Netflix?
watch it if you can. It may help. Please, get out of that situation, any way that you can.
hugs
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Old 10-27-2021, 07:34 PM
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I... I second and third what everyone else is saying... How are you doing today?
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Old 11-17-2021, 04:20 AM
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thatsoism...just wondering how you are...hope things are turning for you
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Old 11-17-2021, 06:10 AM
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Dear Thatso
I agree with all the others. This man is history.
If you cannot raise this child on your own, there are waiting lists all over the place of people wishing to adopt, who would give him a stable, loving home.
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