Scared
 

Help please, ex bf but still good friend slapped me across the face 10 days ago and apologized profusely until he got wasted on rum and coke tonight. Told me how much he loved me for keeping him smiling and staying straight until he became completely wasted. It’s his home, he owns it and I just started living here when my mother died a month ago. Since my mother’s passing I’m having a very difficult time but I don’t know what to do and I’m scared he’ll hit me again. I suffer from anxiety and this scares me. 😞

Hi Kittencat,
I'm so sorry you've experienced physical abuse from someone you should be able to trust, and at a time when you are already coping with very difficult emotions. I'm sorry for your loss of your mom, you are going through a lot right now.
A long time ago, I was backhanded by an Abf and then he raged at me. He calmed down a while later, told me he loved me, said all nice things and I thought he was truly sorry, and he would never do it again. A few weeks later, he got angry again. That time he didn't hit me, but raged at me and threatened to take our daughter away from me. I left him, as soon as he left our home, and it was safe to leave.
I talked to a domestic violence worker, and I've never forgotten what they said - that abuse happens in a cycle, and that the cycle NEVER stops happening, but gets increasingly worse over time. There will be an incident of anger and possibly violence, then a "honeymoon" when things are calm, and the abuser is saying sorry and making nice. Then tension builds until there is another violent episode.
I experience chronic anxiety, and what I've learned about anxiety is that its my body's response to danger, and that I will keep experiencing anxiety until I'm in a safe place (I'm still working on getting to a safe place myself) - I hope that you can find a safe place as soon as possible, because this is a really horrible way to live. And it's exhausting.
Do you have another friend you can stay with? If there's no where to go, you can phone your local women's shelter and they will help you. Sending hugs
:grouphug:

kittencat, very sorry to hear about your Mom.

You can't stay there, you know? It's not safe. He will continue to hit you. Is there anywhere else you can go, friends? Family members? Even as a short term measure until you can get your own place.

If you have no where else to go, please call the Domestic Violence hotline and speak to them, they will be able to direct you to a shelter. They also have a lot of contacts and will also be able to advise you how to get out safely.

In the meantime, try to fly below the radar as much as possible. Don't argue with him, don't antagonize him. Keep your answers short and to the point if you must speak to him, "you may be right" "uh huh", "you might have a point there" - that kind of thing.

DV contact information is here:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...out-abuse.html

If he gets violent, please call the police right away.

I agree - its not a safe place for to be KC - please look at the link trailmix posted.
I hope you find other lodgings ASAP.

D

You have to leave. You need to find a room mate, a house-sitting job, or something.

This is domestic violence, even if you're not romantic partners. Assault is a crime, but it's unrealistic to charge him with a crime and insist on continuing to live there.

If you had parted on unfriendly terms, where would you have gone?

Thank you so much for all of your advice and condolences. The strange thing is it happened in the morning, after he drank whiskey the night before. He woke me up with a slap! He barely remembers it, but admitted it happened to my sister even though he has no idea why he did it. So last night he was drinking some dark whiskey and cokes and I could not sleep due to anxiety all night. He had a blackout and fell asleep outside on the porch. He called this morning and will see his alcohol counselor tomorrow.

I’m still leaving. I can’t trust him anymore.

That’s good to hear—be cautious and don’t make it obvious or confront him in any way.

Best to get your stuff and get out of the house when he is gone if possible.

Whatever you do, don’t go back to the house once you leave—violence like this only escalates as you can see already—please be careful and update us when you can.

Very wise kittencat, you're right, you can't trust him anymore. Much better to leave and let him get on with anything he says he will do.

I'm glad you are leaving. Take everything you need and don't go back. It's also helpful to go no contact.

Let us know how you're doing, dealing with an alcoholic qualifier and domestic violence is a double whammy, and support really helps.

Thank you all so much again! <3

He had is alcohol counselor actually call me Wednesday and yeah, he can’t drink anymore. He turns into a dingbat. He has no anger issues but I’m still leaving in a few months anyway, I had planned to before this happened anyway. I have neighbors I can go to if he drinks again so I’ll be safe until I leave.

How are you doing, kittencat?