It is starting to click a bit... trying to move on

Old 10-26-2021, 01:49 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
You know it's interesting what you say above. When I read that I see someone that was included in a group even though she may not have been doing what they were doing (drinking), that's kind of a positive thing really?

Of course high school can be touchy and I know you didn't feel that way, but maybe it's time to reframe that? People wanted your company regardless of what you were up to - that's good criteria for friends at any time and reflects well on you.
I think in some ways I can see what you are saying from an outside perspective and to be able to reframe it that way would be great. It mostly always made me feel like an outcast and that I was only around to mother people that were too drunk or help people that were on drugs. I always wondered if they would see me as valuable if I “wasn’t so put together” in their eyes. Like would I still be invited? Or was I only valuable because I had an intrinsic nature to take care of people…. It’s always been an ouch feeling in a way
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Old 10-26-2021, 02:40 PM
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That's possibly true. Then again, if people were attracted to you because of your nature to take care of people, that's not a horrible trait!

The thing is, from what I have seen and heard, there aren't that many people, generally, that are that caring or nurturing, that don't have balance. I think the problems occur when you don't have those checks and balances in place (I'm sure you have already thought about that). Unfortunately, without that balance, there are many that will take advantage of your giving nature.

I've not a huge push over, but there are many times in my life where I have gone above and beyond not necessarily caring for myself, because I can be that person too. Those times never lasted that long though because my inner voice would be saying hold on - what exactly ARE you doing? And I would listen.

- The person that goes above and beyond looking out for others:

With no thought of their own wellbeing
Will catch themselves and change that but still don't really take time caring for themselves (and may therefore end up in the same kind of situations)
Will catch themselves and change that and decide it's time to care for themselves and apply that going forward

We can all have been in all these situations (I have). Where are you in this list?

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Old 10-26-2021, 02:55 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
That's possibly true. Then again, if people were attracted to you because of your nature to take care of people, that's not a horrible trait!

The thing is, from what I have seen and heard, there aren't that many people, generally, that are that caring or nurturing, that don't have balance. I think the problems occur when you don't have those checks and balances in place (I'm sure you have already thought about that). Unfortunately, without that balance, there are many that will take advantage of your giving nature.

I've not a huge push over, but there are many times in my life where I have gone above and beyond not necessarily caring for myself, because I can be that person too. Those times never lasted that long though because my inner voice would be saying hold on - what exactly ARE you doing? And I would listen.

- The person that goes above and beyond looking out for others:

With no thought of their own wellbeing
Will catch themselves and change that but still don't really take time caring for themselves (and may therefore end up in the same kind of situations)
Will catch themselves and change that and decide it's time to care for themselves and apply that going forward

We can all have been in all these situations (I have). Where are you in this list?
I think I end up catching myself and go to self care now. I don’t think I did when I was a teenager though. I would show up for people and then feel disappointed when my bday would come around for example and nothing was planned for me. I have heard from a few of my life long friends in some form or another that they just thought I was always ok and always had my **** together
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Old 11-01-2021, 03:48 AM
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I can relate to so much in this thread. After many years together my ABF recently left me. Kaya what your A said is kinda what my A tried to tell me. I couldn’t hear it thru my anger and pain. That I stole his peace the drinking temporarily gave him. My anger was pushing him away. I get it now. I would prepare for the worst before he opened the first of 20 beers. He was a nice guy until about the 10th beer. I was just exhausted from dealing with this almost daily. I knew it would be a long insane night that he and the beer controlled. But that was going to happen anyway. My anger made it worse or gave him reason to blame me. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Daily lied to and let down. So anger was maybe all I had. My anger was full of love for him and hope for us if that makes sense. I was always there for him. kept him out of trouble. Put up with his shenanigans. My friends never understood why I didn’t kick him out. Because I knew how empty my life would without him. He found a way out. I think he is happy and sober now with true love gf and all he ever wanted…. just not with me. And I can’t stop crying either.
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Old 11-01-2021, 10:32 AM
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Originally Posted by sunday9 View Post
I can relate to so much in this thread. After many years together my ABF recently left me. Kaya what your A said is kinda what my A tried to tell me. I couldn’t hear it thru my anger and pain. That I stole his peace the drinking temporarily gave him. My anger was pushing him away. I get it now. I would prepare for the worst before he opened the first of 20 beers. He was a nice guy until about the 10th beer. I was just exhausted from dealing with this almost daily. I knew it would be a long insane night that he and the beer controlled. But that was going to happen anyway. My anger made it worse or gave him reason to blame me. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Daily lied to and let down. So anger was maybe all I had. My anger was full of love for him and hope for us if that makes sense. I was always there for him. kept him out of trouble. Put up with his shenanigans. My friends never understood why I didn’t kick him out. Because I knew how empty my life would without him. He found a way out. I think he is happy and sober now with true love gf and all he ever wanted…. just not with me. And I can’t stop crying either.
sunday, why wouldn't you prepare for the worst beforehand, you knew exactly what was coming. That seems sensible to me. Your anger may have fuelled the fire, but hey, it wasn't your fire!! He is the only one who can control his drinking, you never really had any control over it one way or the other (as I'm sure you know).

I'm not sure why you think he is now living an amazing lifestyle, sober and happy, but what appears on the outside may not be what's really happening.

But regardless, he wasn't good for you. It's going to take some time to get through the pain unfortunately, that's just the truth. I hope you will start a thread too with your story.
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Old 11-01-2021, 06:40 PM
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Originally Posted by sunday9 View Post
I can relate to so much in this thread. After many years together my ABF recently left me. Kaya what your A said is kinda what my A tried to tell me. I couldn’t hear it thru my anger and pain. That I stole his peace the drinking temporarily gave him. My anger was pushing him away. I get it now. I would prepare for the worst before he opened the first of 20 beers. He was a nice guy until about the 10th beer. I was just exhausted from dealing with this almost daily. I knew it would be a long insane night that he and the beer controlled. But that was going to happen anyway. My anger made it worse or gave him reason to blame me. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Daily lied to and let down. So anger was maybe all I had. My anger was full of love for him and hope for us if that makes sense. I was always there for him. kept him out of trouble. Put up with his shenanigans. My friends never understood why I didn’t kick him out. Because I knew how empty my life would without him. He found a way out. I think he is happy and sober now with true love gf and all he ever wanted…. just not with me. And I can’t stop crying either.
Sunday... I am so sorry you are going through this. I am at the point in my journey where I know that I tried my best. I don't believe him when he says that me being angry made it worse. I also don't believe he is sober or happy or with the love of his life. I think he is and will always be "happy" on the outside while hiding a dark secret on the inside. I am sure his ex wife before me would have said the same thing about me when him and I first met... she would have thought oh hes happy... and we were until we weren't. Once he couldn't hide the level of drinking from me anymore the roller coaster began and that was over 6 years ago. I don't put much weight into him or his thoughts or what he says anymore. Good or bad... his feelings and thoughts change with the wind and it has nothing to do with being in love with someone new.. it has to do with the level of drinking he is doing. That is the only contender and until he has real sobriety anything he says does not matter...Trust me your exAB is not happy and in love... Active alcoholics don't have relationships.. they take prisioners.... And if your exAB was drinking 20 beers a day it is impossible he just "got sober" and fell in love. Anyone consuming that amount of alcohol is running fast from some internal messy emotions... it takes a long time to become a loving partner...
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