LovelyKaya33333

Hi everyone.... I am struggling still with letting go and the closure part from my marriage to my exAH. The divorce is well on its way to being almost complete ( just the waiting period now ) and we haven't seen each other in almost 5 months... We have texted a few times about logistical stuff but sometimes it goes into the "what went wrong arena"... and the I miss you (from both of us). I fall into forgetting he is still very much an active alcoholic because at times I see glimmers of who he was or I guess more honestly who I thought he was. Somedays he goes into "he knows its his fault, he is so sorry he failed us" and other times he goes into "If I could have just stopped annoying him and nagging him we would still be together"... He changes like the wind with these two. When he goes into the ladder of them I find myself so so so angry... It is like he has selective memory... here is an example of something he wrote

"You don’t know how many times I’ve wondered if I made the right decision here. Because I loved you too and I can’t see being as comfy cozy and happy as I often was with you.
I wish you would have realized this stuff in 2020. I know that I’m a mess in many ways but I did dedicate my life to you, your friends and family and your work. So often I had to listen to the reasons you were upset with me and reasons I wasn’t good enough. It wore me down. I was working so hard on that Culver City job and already stressed when I would get daily “ I’m upset about xyz” texts. It started to be that when I got a message from you I felt dread, instead of joy. I tried to warn you. I told you to stop but you couldn’t. I knew it was driving me away and that ultimately you didn’t want that to happen. Think about how we spent our time. It was at your dads, your sisters, your business, with your cat. I gave myself to you and everything that mattered to you because I loved you. Yet somehow you couldn’t believe it. I didn’t know how to prove it any other way. So I resented being told I was bad everyday. I should have worked harder and quit drinking. I’m sorry I couldn’t at the time. It’s still a thing I’m working on and making strides in." "Making Strides in... eye roll"

Here is the kicker...
1) He still dedicate time and energy to my work/business..... because for a majority of our relationship my business paid OUR bills. Including his child support and the bills for his kids

2) He did spend a lot of time with my family..BUT 90% of that time was paid for vacations to Hawaii by my parents. He also forgets that I moved 2,000 miles away to be closer to his kids for 2 years and left my family, career and friends. Like do those 2 years not account for a massive amount of time spent. We also had the kids every holiday, summer for 3 months, spring break, winter break ect.... Which is fine... it is what I signed up for ...BUT him saying that he dedicated his life to me makes me want to throw up... I didn't have an ex husband or kids ... All of our extra time and money went to them...which is fine but him leaving that out of his brain and saying he spent all his time with MY family and MY friends is just crap

3)Realized this stuff in 2020??? He is referring to how I reacted to him getting tickets for the kids to come out for 10 weeks and then getting a job that was 6 days a week 10 hour days with a 2 hour drive there and back and not communicating with me or seeing how I felt about taking care of them alone all summer... Mind you while I was still working and trying to figure out how Covid would be crashing my wedding planning business.... So he was gone from 6am-6pm 6 days a week... which meant I had to care for the kids... We didn't share an bank account, he didn't pay my bills.... but expected me to watch my step kids 24/7 all summer and never said Thank you... When I would call him and say it was too much or I was frusterated he would say I was being annoying .....

In additional to the above he drank everyday NON stop.... When he would get off work he would drive home and have had the equivalent of 4-6 drinks by the time he even walked through the door ... Then on his only day off during that time he would get blacked out...This is what he is referring to when he says me getting mad at him... I feel like I am living in coo coo land explaining basic common sense... Like YES we talked about my company... CAUSE my company PAID for our life for 4 years so you could attempt to rebuild a relationship with your kids.... I literally could throw something I am so mad ... When I tried to explain above things

he said

"Im not sure youlle ever understand or accept what I’m saying. You just change it to…. Drumroll please…….. make me seem bad. It’s so old...If you could have just stopped with all that. We could have been fine...If you could have just stopped with all that. We could have been fine..Gotta Go"

I am shaking that he can't seem to take accountability for ANYTHING and also ... The strangest part is the pendulum swinging from him telling me he is so sorry and knows he failed us...to this ****....

My best friend said it seems like he is still trying to get me attached by the I am so sorry crap just to discard me all over again.....

Why does this still bother me??? Maybe time is all that helps and going back to no contact

He also said "I told you to stop complaining, that I would leave and I knew you wouldn't like it if I left"... BARF !!! Like I am some little girl to be punished for speaking my mind???

Thank you all for listening

sage1969

When you say he changes like the wind, that's really all you can count on. The rest of the ****ed up mess, well, I guess you can count on that, too.

You aren't in coo coo land. You know how these things went down, you know what you had to juggle in order to keep it all up in the air. He's either saying whatever he thinks he needs to keep his foot in the door or he honestly has forgotten what's happened (my XABF was in blackout pretty much 24/7 when I broke up with him, and at that point couldn't remember anything about our life). Or it could be a combination of the two.

To me it feels like he knows there is still a connection between the two of you and just keeps yanking on that "cord" to make certain you're still at the end of it. You always have the choice to cut that "cord" and be free of him. You can set your intention to cut all ties, say mantras to remind yourself each time you fall into this kind of thinking. It sounds easier than it is, I know, but eventually you will be able to look back on this , perhaps always with some sadness, but the pain will become less over time, it really will. Hang in there!

LovelyKaya33333

Thank you. Talking to him ALWAYS makes me loss my **** eventually. I don't know what I am thinking ... I guess maybe I am thinking that he will get it somehow... It is such common sense stuff... Just shaking from the lack of understanding remembering everything that happened that got me to the point of said annoying bitching.... Yuck I feel off balance and gross today

dandylion

Kaya....In my own experience, Sage speaks Truth.
Kays....lol...I know that you don\t believe me, as I have already said this to you many times, already....but, yoou are Still only 5 months in----and, not really that m uch---considering that you have had som much of the wordst kind of reinforcement (intermiittent reinforcement----google it). Intermittent reinforcement throws you back into the fire (emotionally) every time you soeak to him or read his ridiculous writings.
I estimate that this part of the grieving is going to take the major part of a year---at least, 6 to 9 more months for your last contact with him. The "part" that I am referring to is the Rumination stage of the grieving process. I also call the grieving process a part of the healing process...lol.
The kind of rumination that I am talking about is the "diging up all of the old bones" of the relationship---reviewing them and reviewing them---almost every molecule of the lost relationship. Until you feel exhsudstred snd your brain is spinning.
The end result of this id that, eventually, over enough time, you will be able to reframe the relationship, in your mind, to a story or picture that you can live with in a kind of peace---a kind of acceptance of what did happen.
Most people don't talk much about the Rumination part---but, it is a real thing.

dandylion

Kaya....I apologise. I just got a new keyboard and I don't have spellcheck. I can't figure out how to correct my many typos! I am trying tofigure it out. Please bear with me.......

LovelyKaya33333

Thank you for your advice.... And no worries on your typos... I make them all the time...even with spell check

I need to get stronger in my version of the relationship. Which means I can't hear his anymore ...Which means no contact.

trailmix

You know, for all his quack, quack, quacking, he is really only talking about one thing. Himself.

What you are listening to is probably what goes through his mind. A self argument if you will.

I am a bad person
I broke up our family
I wish I could have been better
I need to quit drinking

BUT

I dedicated my life to you
I spent time working on your business
I spent much time with your family and friends
I warned you not to complain about me
I'm trying to "fix" my drinking situation
quack quack blah blah blah.

All he is talking about is "I". None of this actually has anything to do with you. I get that it makes you angry, it would make me angry too probably, at least initially. He doesn't think straight, his thoughts and "ponderings" are skewed in favour of addiction. This isn't about your relationship or you, this is about his battle with himself.

27 "I"s in this little blurb.

Honestly his diatribe is quite sickening to read. Did you also notice when he wonders if he made the right decision he talks about comfy and cozy and often being happy with you. Because god knows it's all about what's good for him.

Anyway, honestly I would go no contact with him if it were me. He has exactly zero to offer you, he's really busy with himself.

Then you can start to really heal.

trailmix

• I'd be OK if it weren't for you!

.
The addict blames his addictive behavior on his significant other, usually his spouse. He feels resentful and self-pitying about the way he considers himself to be treated and uses this to justify his addiction. Since one of the commonest causes of resentment and self-pity in addicts is criticism by others of their addictive behavior, and since the characteristic response of the addict to such criticism is to escalate addictive behavior, this process tends to be self-perpetuating. The addict is often quite cruel in highlighting, exaggerating and exploiting any and every defect or flaw the significant other may have, or even in fabricating them out of his own mind in order to justify and rationalize his own behavior.
.

• Look at all I have done for you! or This is the thanks I get!

Another "guilt trip" designed to disarm or deflect criticism of addictive behavior. References to the hard work, long hours, job stress and material status of the family are common attempts to win sympathy and understanding for behavior that has become harmful to the addict and others.

Excuses Alcoholics Make

velma929

When I read all the details, I get this:

He was willing to do almost anything to stay with you - except quit drinking.

Quitting drinking is the only thing that would have been meaningful, at that point. You were tired of living with, supporting, and walking on eggshells around an addict. (And yes, I get the fact that a lot of the issues stemmed from the fact that he was drinking. Couldn't pay his own child support, didn't thank you for the things you did, his life was a freaking mess, etc.)

I know how you feel. Sometimes people write here about the efforts their qualifiers made to actually quit. I was sad and sometimes bitter. I once posted my frustration that my husband never made a serious effort to quit, ever.

And someone replied, "He couldn't." At some point, the alcohol is in control. and the addict doesn't have a choice any more.

Now your soon-to-be-Ex's kids are learning that drinking yourself stupid is a 'normal' lifestyle.

LovelyKaya33333

You are my hero... 27 Is in this was an amazing point out... Yes it makes me ill.... Reading his words makes my grossed out at best

edoering

You are so on the right track with getting confident in your version of the relationship!

It’s a weird concept, but the one most important in my life right now. The idea of who gets to define reality. Because a lot of people want to claim that power, they want to be able to control the narrative, the version of events. Then there are some of us (maybe really nice, maybe codependent, maybe a bit of both) who tends to defer to others’ claimed version of events either we because we want to be respectful and kind or because we were always made to feel insecure in our perceptions from a young age.

From reading your posts you have done SO MUCH WORK on claiming your reality and I’m so impressed! No wonder when he throws you for a loop in that way only he can it’s infuriating. Because you know what it feels like to be firm in your own reality again without him, and losing that even for a moment feels awful. When I was starting to untangle that whole knot, people trying to deny my reality and override it with theirs made me physically sick to my stomach. I flushed and got queasy and my heart rate leapt up the wazoo! Everyday I get more sure, my body reacts less, I react less, and their quacking just she’s right over me like so much bullsh*t.

5 months is nothing when you cared deeply for someone! Feel free to thank yourself for carrying you through this much of the chaos, rather than pressuring yourself to be any further along in the healing process.

(PS if you can’t tell, I’m a huge fan!)

dandylion

Wow to edoering's first pragraph! That is such an important point. I think it is so descriptive of the invisible "snare" that so many of us get caught up in that it should be ;made into a tatoo.....lol.;

I remember, decades ago, before I took all my Power back-----my first husband had a very clever (but transparent) manuever, to claim his reality to be supreme.
On the occassions that we would have a conflict of opposing ideas, he would state. "Both of us can't be right, at the same time. Since I am obviously right---that ;mea;ns that you HAVE to be the one who
is wrong.!

trailmix

So I had to look and there is!!